After-thoughts

I think I needed to doubt and hesitate a lot. That it wouldn't feel right if I had realised things a lot earlier. I might not even have believed it. I try to draw but my mind wanders and it's hard to focus on the ink on the paper. I keep wanting to release the air within me but breathing out is not enough. Not even after holding my breath for a few seconds first. Cause I keep forgetting to breathe. It's getting more difficult, to have these thoughts and feelings now.

I'm still overwhelmed, shocked. The tears seem to have dried though. Mostly I'm just having troubles with my breathing and I have to smoke a lot. More than usually, that is. Or I'm just clutching at my cigarettes more than usually, as I think actually increasing my consumption is not even possible anymore.

I feel it twisting and turning within me. I'm restless and it's hard to think in the masses of thoughts. They seem to attack me randomly and most of them don't make much sense. Incomplete sentences. My heart is a complete mess by now. But I'm pretty used to it being that way, so whatever. Now I'm getting dizzy too. Trying to focus on my drawing but it's getting all the more difficult.

Damn, I'm so sitting here right now with my heart slightly pounding more than usually while honestly considering telling tumblr about that I'm trans and plan to have a child in the future. But I just can't. Perhaps I should reconsider and think about it for a moment or two and not just do it on a whim? I know I can be impulsive, and my impulsion is something that I constantly have to consciously think about and reason with. Sometimes I forget though, perhaps you've noticed.

Like what would I even say? How much detail would I be comfortable with giving out? I might have to step out of my comfort zone a little bit. Oh god I can't escape the fact that I hate coming out, no matter what. It's fairly okay if it's someone I feel safe with, like if I know they're gonna accept me nonetheless, but random people? Ahaha... nope. And especially internet can be so god damn... shitty, sometimes. But I hate being stealth and I don't want to be that anymore.

I just don't like keeping important information about myself from people that I care about. And as for tumblr, I just want to be able to write freely about my dreams and struggles there. The few on tumblr that I know in real life (3 people) already know about me being trans though. It's just the other 383 of my followers and the rest of tumblr that don't know. Yeah, this should be easy peasy...

Okay I wrote the text but I need to think about it some more before I can decide whether to post it or not. Nah, maybe tomorrow. I need to sleep on it. So I just showered and I just managed to eat dinner while only wearing underwear without being too disgusted by my body. I'd call that some progress. I'll continue processing things tomorrow. Maybe then the shock has gotten calmer, I don't know.