Competing with myself

I got a card from school, it's some kind of certificate, at the start of this term and now I see that my teacher has written the wrong personal identity number on it. Sigh, it's gonna follow me forever and ever that old personal identity number of mine that connects me to my previous legal gender. I don't think I'll ever use that certificate though, so I try not to be bothered by it. But I can imagine if I'll ever have to use it, it won't work cause the number on it doesn't match the number on my ID card. I legally became a new person, sort of, so yeah.

It's just so frustrating that that old number is still following me even though it's been over a year since I had it changed. It's like a persistent ghost that keeps haunting and taunting me. And I keep wondering if it will ever stop and just leave me alone. I don't want that shit being dragged up all the freaking time. It's like my past is trying to remind me of the obvious as if I'd ever manage to forget, or something. Like I do know that's something one just doesn't "forget" cause it's a constant reminder every single day.

I wish it wasn't that way. I still wish I had just been born with a male body and I fucking hate being trans. I don't see any pros with it at all, but that's a lie cause I do, it's just that the cons weigh so much more. The only pros I can think of is that I've got slightly more insight in things regarding gender. Like what it's like to be seen in society as both female and male, separately and simultaneously. And also what it's like to be seen as neither. Cause some people just would never accept me as a "real guy" and not as a "real girl" either. I don't know what they saw me as, but probably as some kind of freak of nature or something.

No one's been hostile towards me about my gender. Not even once during my transition. Although some took the opportunity to bully me a bit about it when I was still in elementary school and still trying to figure things out. But that never went that far, luckily. No, the worst kind of response I've gotten as far as I can remember, is people simply not accepting me as a guy. Those that said stuff like "you're always gonna be a girl to me" or "I still see you as a girl" and that shit. But I mostly let that be without trying to change their minds, knowing I wouldn't succeed to.

I mean their opinions might be shitty, but it's their opinions nonetheless and they can have them. What do I care. Then not everyone actually expressed what they thought about my gender/expression/transition and that was fine with me, although I have to admit I was curious to know their thoughts. I never pushed them into telling me though. I never even asked. What I did ask a lot of people who knew me though, was often why I didn't pass as male to them. I wanted to know so that I could change and pass better next time.

Maybe that's sad, I don't know. Like I was trying to conform into something so forcefully, almost as if it was an act. I'm not saying being male was an act, not at all, it's never been, but being masculine most certainly was, most of the time. I wanted to wear lots of make-up, have long hair and androgynous clothes, but if I did, before testosterone, I was not gonna pass and no one would have taken me seriously. So I did wear make-up sometimes but just a little bit of messy eyeliner, I kept my hair long but just long and not in a hairstyle and often in a pony tail, and my choice of clothes was mostly baggy bondage pants combined with t-shirts and hoodies.

So I compromised, picked something between the stereotypically masculine and something more androgynous goth-ish. Mostly it was my body language and my voice that made people think I was female though, before testosterone. And the funny thing is that for a long time after I started with hormones, it was the other way around. Then people thought I was female until they heard my new, deeper voice and they were like "oh, not female then". Maybe cause I ditched most of that masculine clothing style and went more androgynous looking again.

I don't know, but I think, if I really try and mostly I do, I'd say I pass to about 90% now. It's usually young kids and elder people who still think I'm female no matter what I do. Though I guess I pass better when I have some facial hair going on. This time though, as I plan to save that out again, I'm not doing it for the sake of passing better, but simply because I miss it and think it looked nice. Although I think I'll not make it as wide as I had it last time, I think it shouldn't be wider than my mouth. And I wish my hair would get longer so I can have it in a middle parting and save out some sideburns too. That's where my beard is the thickest and darkest and I even get a shadow there when I keep it shaved.

It's still slowly filling in on my cheeks and further up on my chin (like the soul strip part kinda) but still no mustache. I wonder if I'll ever get one. I do want one cause I think it would be nice to have like a 3 days stubble going on but not without a mustache stubble if you know what I'm saying? I just think a stubble looks weird on me cause I have most of my facial hair under my chin. Ahaha, I actually hate shaving the stubble that grows on my chin, that specific area, cause it's sooo thick and coarse it's hard to get it off with a simple razor. So that's like a side-note reason to save it out there again too.

I'll likely dye it dark brown as I did before, once it's grown out a little bit, cause I just think it looks weird/bad on me with those stray blonde hairs in it. I don't think sideburns would look good on me with a sidecut in my hairstyle. So that's my reason for not saving those out as of now, but it has been kind of a dream of mine to have sideburns, ever since I was like 12 years old. It's weird cause I didn't even know I identified as male back then. I just... I was so jealous of a classmate at the time who got facial hair at that early age, or if it was a couple of years later.

I was so envious of the other guys in my class during elementary school. Of their bodies then, certainly not of their (in most cases) shitty personalities. It was mainly other guys who bullied me back then and I didn't connect to any of them in any way. If I connected to people of any gender, it was the girls. I felt I was more similar to them even though I could not see myself as one of them. Obviously I'm not actually all that similar to girls in general, but I don't know, it was a shitty school and honestly I only connected to one other person there which is my best friend.

I can't believe it's almost been 7 years since I came out now, as it was sometime during March 2009. I always keep thinking I should have gotten hormones a hell of a lot earlier than August 2013. Those 4 years was the worst waiting of my entire life, and yeah, doctors really seem to know how to make hell out of your life. It was... painful, to see other trans people that I knew, come out after me and get their hormones and surgeries long before me. I got my hormones years after they had already had their gender legally changed and all I could do was just watch them get more and more comfortable with their bodies and who they were, while I felt like I was rotting internally for something I started to think was never gonna happen.

I think that was one of the main reasons I stopped going to those meetings for trans people back in Uppsala, all those 7 years ago. Eventually, it got too painful watching them get what I never seemed to get. They were on their ways forward in life while I was just... rotting, hating myself more and more until I couldn't stand the mirror anymore. I think, most of all, what that waiting for hormones so kindly gave me, was more self hatred. A self hatred that I'm still fighting to "get over". The doctors' precaution killed a part of my soul, basically, it made everything so much worse.

I still look back and I can't figure out if I hate them or my body the most. What they didn't do to help me when they were literally obliged to help me. I had my stupid diagnosis, I was not too mentally ill, they had zero reasons to not give me hormones, yet they refused. The only thing I truly do hate about Uppsala, and the only really good thing about moving to Gotland, when I switched from Uppsala's trans team to the one in Huddinge in Stockholm. The only thing I don't regret about my decision to move here. If I had stayed... I don't know if they would ever had let me physically transition.

I think my transition was one of the most painful and horrible things I've ever gone through, but only when I still lived in Uppsala, that waiting time when absolutely nothing happened. I was dying, fucking dying inside cause my self hatred had reached a point that I had become dangerous to myself. It reached a point where I had decided I would rather die than continue living with how my body was before hormones and surgery. If I ever get the chance, I'd like to personally tell the team in Uppsala what they did to me during those years, that they caused damage that still hasn't healed. And it's now been almost 4 years since I moved from Uppsala and switched teams.

4 years and I'm still wondering where the confident and self-loving John went. I could have reported them, sued them or something, but I'm more of an eye for an eye type of person. I don't believe in the crime and punishment system and it all sounds very complicated to me as well. Legal issues never made much sense to me. I don't even know if I have/had a reasonable cause for suing or reporting them either. I just think what they did, or rather what they didn't do, was wrong and it damaged me significantly. Also they didn't do what they were supposed to do. Everyone I talked to about this during that time (friends and my parents) thought they did wrong as well. They, as much as myself, couldn't understand why the team refused to give me hormones when I was entitled to that.

But as far as I'm aware, it was because of my mental state, that they didn't think I was stable enough. I don't even know why cause I lied about my mental state in every psychiatric situation ever. I might not have been the best liar back then, but I never spoke of my almost constant suicidal thoughts, my self hatred, or why I was such a mess to begin with. I didn't say much at all, just denied I had anything to do with self harm or negative thinking. I was trying to assure them all of how 100% certain I was about wanting to transition. I felt it was basically all I could do.

But looking back, I should have switched teams already when things started to get out of hand, sometime after spring 2010 when I had gotten my diagnosis officially and then nothing more happened. It was during the summer of 2010 that I got testosterone off the black market sort of and started self medicating with it. That was when I had started giving up on that trans team to ever give me hormones legally. I should have looked it up and at least tried to switch teams if at all possible. Cause you're always allowed to get a second opinion. And I should have gotten one.

Yeah I know all of that is old shit by now, but obviously I can't seem to let it go. So much suffering and pain just because my body somehow decided to develop into the female direction before I was born. And I hate nature for what it gave me, but I do believe it would have been easier, at least a little bit, if I had gotten help earlier. I believe this is one huge reason as to why I was a complete mess while living in Uppsala. With all that self hatred and constant insecurity and never getting the help, it's not so strange nothing else worked out in my life.

From one thing to another. It suddenly struck me as a little odd that I haven't either dated anyone or had sex for almost 3 years now. I am so safe from sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies it's almost ridiculous and a little sad. I'm fine though, but I do get a little romantically frustrated at times. And by "a little" I mean so freaking much I think I'll dissolve. I'm still in love with K and I think that's one of the reasons I haven't really been interested in anyone else. I seem to switch between being polyamourous and monogamous, and for the past 3 years I've been more to the latter, but still somewhat "open minded" about it, or what to say.

Like I just know K probably won't ever want to give me a chance, but I still don't want to let him go, but it's like I can be open for something else while still loving K. Of course it would have to be someone who could at least somewhat accept my half obsessive love for K, which I believe wouldn't be so easy to find such a person. And I'd have to be interested back as well, so yeah. I'll probably die single and heartbroken. But I don't always see myself as too lonely to deal with, I mean, I do wish for some romance but it would have to be under certain requirements. Like most likely little to no sex, and that possible future partner must not be suffocating me. But if they would be male, female, both neither, cis, trans I really don't care.

But all in all if anything I'd just aim for finding someone I could love and who could love me back preferably without any obsessions involved and I really don't care much about what gender they would or wouldn't be of. Let's just say I have a tiny preference but it's really not a mandatory one. Personality and chemistry always, always comes first for me. Just that it's a lovely person who could at least tolerate me. And I usually have no problem finding lovely people left to right, but finding someone I could like spark with is indeed difficult for me.

Especially since I'm already in love with most of my heart and soul occupied. Although I do believe there's infinite space for people in there, but yeah. Maybe my love for K is blocking the entrance or something, I don't know. I just miss good company and romance, I suppose. I miss sharing all of me with someone that way. And part of me is still hoping for just one time having a decent relationship with someone. Which doesn't involve abuse of any kind or a whole lot of misunderstanding. It doesn't have to be perfect at all, just plain fucking decent.

A healthy relationship, that's all I ever ask for. It can involve fights, in can involve difficulties of almost any kind, as long as we'd get along in the long run and accept each other for our flaws. I usually have no trouble accepting other people's flaws, it's just that they usually can't accept or even understand mine.

I still think about the future and I try to not only be negative in my thoughts. Things I still wish would happen within a reasonable time from now and things I wish would just happen at all. Some things can take literally forever and I don't mind, while other things I'm calmly impatient about. Like not showing my impatience outwards, but it's still there. I still wonder what dating could be like post transition. I've never had anyone touch my flat chest, and that somehow makes me... I don't know, feel stuff. I wouldn't let just anyone that close to me either though. But it's something that's been on my mind from time to time, that I've never been with anyone since before the surgery.

And I guess it's something I'd kinda want to explore, in lack of better words. It's a thought that excites me and makes me a little sad too. Like I know I didn't have the surgery for anyone else but myself, but still, it's something I would like to share too, in a way. Well, it's only been two years (in a month) so I guess I shouldn't worry or anything. And I don't, it's just that the thought is there nonetheless. And I wonder about other aspects too, regarding dating someone post my transition. Like being seen as male in a relationship for example. I thought I was back when I was with my latest ex, or how to put it.

Back in 2011, the non-abusive relationship but I don't think I was in love with him. However, I though he saw me as male or I just wanted to believe that he did, but there were a lot of indications as to him not seeing me as male. I had been on hormones for about a year (self-medicated) but still looked very feminine and well, all of my female parts were still intact. Ew, but however that was the way it was back then. And I could tell, that even though he never really said it, that he wanted me to keep those parts. I had no interest what so ever in keeping anything the way it was and I still don't by the way, but I couldn't even tell him that.

On the other hand he told me several times that "when he got rich" he would pay for all of my hormones and surgeries if the doctors still wouldn't give me that, since all that stuff is basically free here in Sweden if you have the diagnosis and stuff like that. I don't have the words to explain it in a good and or understandable way, but it's free cause the state or something pays for it with our tax money, like any other health care. However, my ex at the time literally offered to pay for all of that should the doctors not help me, but he was undeniably broke and we both tried to scrape by on my allowance and my parents' money as he was trying his best looking for a job.

He did, at least on some level, see it as we were a gay couple, or at least anywhere outside in the world. I think he mainly had all good intentions but that he was struggling a bit with accepting the whole thing about me being male but still looking like a female. So I don't see it as that I did experience what it was like to be seen as male in that relationship, because there were just too many indications that I wasn't. And I don't want to go into too much details, but yeah, I had some real struggles with our sex life and I did not feel accepted at those times. I felt as if he wanted me to be what I was not because of how my body looked. It disgusted me and eventually, I could simply not deal with it at all.

I know, I know, I should have talked to him about it, but I never really did. I tried a few times, but very subtly and carefully. He didn't take the hints and I was just frustrated and lacked words to describe what it made me feel like without hurting him. It was just something that I felt was hanging over us like a dark cloud and that it ruined things. I both blamed him for not listening to me when I had tried to talk to him and I also blamed myself for not daring to speak up. I don't feel as though it damaged me on a significant level or anything though, it was just hard to deal with back then and I still think about it, but it's not like it traumatised me or anything like that.

I know he had good intentions and never wanted to hurt me, it's just that the whole relationship was built on misunderstandings and bad communication and that just never ends well. Although, that relationship did end well. We're still in contact and we don't think bad about each other or about that the relationship ended. I don't really regret anything, or well, I don't regret entering the relationship or ending it. I might regret some of what happened in between, like that about me not speaking up about what really didn't work out between us, for example.

And I don't know, but I think it's still sad that that was the best relationship I ever had so far. It felt so empty, so shallow and half the things never worked out, it was like none of us really gave it a chance, and it was the best I ever had. So yeah... I do feel as though I'm missing out on something. I'm just not done with romantic relationships, even though it might seem that way cause I've been single for so long. Like, those I tell about that I've been single for 4 years now, they all seem to think I've given up or something, but it's not true. I just haven't found anyone to be with during all that time.

It's been harder for me to connect with new people lately and well, I still don't know anyone on this island except from my family, and I'm not gonna date them, ew no. But I've been slightly starting to connect with new people, meaning my classmates and teachers. Now I don't particularly see any of them as dating material or how to put it (cause that sounded gross but I can't think of a better way of phrasing it) mostly cause 1. I'm not attracted to them in any single way other than to have them as friends, and 2. most of them are already married or dating someone else. But maybe I'd be more likely to connect to other people too now, I don't know.

So I just rested on the couch (fell asleep there eventually) and thought about all the plastic surgery I'd like to do if I had the money/got offered to have it done. And how unfair I find it that trans girls get so much such offered to them in their transition but trans guys do not. Like, where is my facial masculinisation surgery option? Not here! And all that extra fat on and around my hip area that does not belong there, why wasn't I offered to have that removed as a part of my transition? As if I could ever afford that myself, now or in any kind of future.

I wouldn't want to do anything terribly invasive about my face, I guess. But I do hate my weak chin and lack of jawline. Sure I would like some kind of eye lift too but I just wouldn't trust anyone, even a skilled surgeon, to get that close to my eyes with a scalpel. And I do think my nose is too big but I like its shape and I don't even know if it would be possible to keep its shape just make it like, closer to my face or something, and also I think it would look better as it is if I just had a stronger jaw and bigger chin.

So well, I wouldn't be unrecognisable if I could get any surgery I wanted, just slightly different, I guess. And of course, from my perspective, slightly better. And I've been so mad at how I could not get any surgeries except from top- and bottom surgery. Like maybe I'm demanding/asking for too much but it's my body and my genes completely suck. I don't think my hormones did a very good job in changing my appearance and yeah, it still pisses me off.

But yeah, I'm trying to stop wishing for impossible things to happen cause worst case scenario, they make me cry and hate myself even more cause I'm so damn concentrated on what I consider to be my flaws.

Ended up on youtube watching make-up videos again. I can assure you, that if you're ever looking for foundation tips, contouring and such, there is an ocean of tips there. I mostly look at videos of very light skinned people with acne doing tutorials on how to cover it. Simply because I might be interested in the products and if the person in the video has much darker skin than me, chances are their products don't even come in my shade. Most products don't.

Oh my god, this coffee is revolting. However, I do mostly put on make-up just to hide my acne, but I also do a fair bit of shaping with contouring and highlighting, getting us back to the topic of my not masculine enough face. I do contour my cheek bones in what's considered a more masculine way, like in a downward curved bow instead of straight (diagonally) or an upward curved bow which is considered more feminine, apparently, according to make-up artists. Then I also bring out my jawline quite a bit with pretty harsh contouring and highlighting. And then also I highlight my chin to make it pop and seem like it stands out a little bit further.

I do also contour my forehead and nose but that's just cause I think it looks better for no apparent reason. I don't think my forehead is too big and I'm not really trying to make my nose look smaller. Maybe I'm just giving it a bit more dimension, I don't know. Oh, and I do highlight my cheek bones too but I just don't think it makes them pop or anything really. Don't know what I'm doing wrong there. Maybe it's because I literally don't have prominent cheek bones at all and it's hard to create something that just isn't even there to begin with. My face is so flat like why...

I wish I could do my make-up a lot better than how I do it right now. I still think my pores look huge, it looks cakey and far from natural in daylight. It looks much better in photos, trust me. I can't show a picture of how it actually looks in real life, and I would want to. Cause it just feels... I don't know, but sort of fake to show my make-up and it doesn't even look half as good in reality. Reality sucks and I wish to escape it, alright? But instead I have to put up with its crap.

It's like, really not that much about how I look that I feel okay with. I do basically everything I can to look a certain way because I hate my entire body. I alter my clothes to fit a certain way to make my hips look smaller and my upper body look bigger, to hide my fat stomach and give me a more straight and slim silhouette. I put on a crap load of make-up cause I hate my acne and facial features or lack there of. And I guess my hair is the only thing that becomes more of a creative outlet than something to alter my over all looks.

I realise I put in sooo much time and effort in all of this, from what colour pants I wear to how I contour my face and literally everything is so extremely and carefully planned out just to make me look a little bit better. I don't think I would pass half as good if I didn't put so much effort into it. I know it's worth it, but damn. It can take literally weeks for me to just think of and make a new outfit that I haven't worn before, also hence why I hate shopping for new clothes. Because everything has to work in this insane harmony to make me look that certain way.