I just remembered that my psychologist asked me, yesterday at our meeting, what my nightmares usually are about when related to the trauma I've been through, and I just couldn't say the Swedish word for rape. I do have my next meeting with her on the 12th of February, which is just two days before the dreadful day, and maybe I'll be able to tell her then, I don't know. It's like... the more I feel secure or safe with someone, the harder it is to tell them. I don't understand the logic behind that.
No wine today either cause I went shopping too damn late. But at least I got to the grocery store. It's soon been two weeks now. I can't believe that time somehow passed by so quickly. And I'm still comfort eating various types of cake. Chocolate, Daim, almond... but I cut down on food so I guess the calorie count isn't spiking off too far. I'm slowly getting somewhere with my drawing of Bellatrix Lestrange and I'm mostly working on her hair at the moment.
I just drank a cup of coffee and had a slice of cake so I should be both caffeinated and high on sugar but I still feel extremely tired. It's just 17:27, I can't be too tired to draw already. I'm just tiredness, numbness and exhaustion these days. And I can't get anything done after 5 pm. Although, I think I'll still keep on working on my reply to your message Y, as I started on it yesterday. But it might take a few days before I'm finished with it. Just so you know where I'm at with that.
Funny how my lucid dreams and nightmares follow the same theme... Yeah I just spent about two hours lucid dreaming on the couch and woke up from a rape scene that I had literally chosen to dream about. My level of actual consciousness when being asleep can be discussed, and so can my sanity. I mean something must be somewhat fundamentally wrong with me to choose such a dream. I sure did dream other things too, but they weren't exactly nice and sweet those either.
Mainly, I tried to make myself sleepwalk, or well not technically walk in my sleep, but do things, and the first and only thing I came to think of was masturbating. Maybe that's why it led to a rape scene. No, I was neither the victim nor the the attacker, I was just a bystander watching it play out. I think I at least halfway managed to make myself fall asleep as well, as I've developed sort of a technique to "bring myself under" somehow. Like I push my senses into some form of sleep state. And then I started lucid dreaming right away.
But I was very close to the surface so I had to be careful not to wake myself up again. Until I gave up and just sat up in the couch as if nothing had happened. I'm not even sure if that was actual sleep at all, or if it was some other type of state that I entered. I'm thinking in terms of meditation, but I don't have any more precise words for it. Cause I somehow managed to bring myself down to that form of consciousness whatever it was and had lucid dreaming right from beginning to end. I'm pretty certain I haven't done that before.
But oh, my choices of dreams are really questionable... I must be thinking and feeling in a whole different way when I'm not conscious, cause I would never choose that type of dreams in an awake state. It's gross and disturbing at best. Macabre and horrendous most times. Sometimes even worse. Like that's the type of dreaming you'd expect a serial killer or rapist would choose. I'm darker when I'm down under, apparently. Cause I guess I then let go of petty human emotions like remorse and care. Live out some of those really dark fantasies I probably should not admit to having.
But how can I explain my lucid dreaming if I never mention what I choose to do in them? Should I be scared of what my readers might be thinking of me? I know I'm fucked up. No one can tell me what I don't already know. Oh, but I should get back to my drawing now as I've rested a bit, and had a 5th or if it was a 6th cup of coffee. I've lost count. Just did my first attempt to draw a black quilted fabric, which was Bellatrix's sleeve that shows slightly on my drawing. I'd say it turned out pretty good.
Right, now I've been writing a fair bit more in my reply to you Y, but I will need a bit more time to finish it. I hope you're still patient with me. It's now 0:26 and I'm getting too tired to do anything. I do sort of place what to do at different times of the day depending on how I generally feel and what works best. I draw best during daytime so I put my drawing hours there, then might draw later too but then it's not a priority. Then I put my writing at evening cause that's when I write best and that's a pretty good system for me. Grocery shopping ended up right in between today.
So yeah, I had my day pretty neatly planned out and it worked out neatly too. Perhaps I'm getting to know myself a bit better? I don't know, but it's something, I guess. Now I'm just gonna try to finish this off, read it through, edit and post it. I've had enough of coffee for today and will let my tiredness eventually bring me to sleep. Might take around an hour or so, or longer or shorter. I practically don't know. It's been a pretty good day however, although I'm still feeling numb. I won't be needing all of tomorrow to finish my drawing of Bellatrix, or that part of my drawing, as I only have a few things left here and there now. But I won't be able to finish that today.
As I study the photo I use as reference, I start to notice that tricky thing about rim light. That it's reflected light, basically. I do draw some of that on her hair. Mostly I don't really use the reference photo for drawing her hair, it's too difficult for me to follow, but I do a little bit or much as I can. Now I've been writing a shit ton about that drawing today, I think maybe I should stop that soon. But anyways, I'm aware of that I made her hair slightly too red and perhaps also not quite dark enough, but it's far too late to change that now. It will just have to do as it is now. It's almost done too.
Mostly I've been drawing hair today. Part by part until I know it like the back of my hand. I'm still not tired of it though. But it will be quite a relief to start drawing something else tomorrow, when I get to Lucius instead. Hopefully he'll turn out just as good as she did, and then I'll probably start drawing Snape by next weekend or something. So it's a very time consuming project indeed. It will probably take me more than a week to finish it.
I'm trying to remember if I started yesterday or the day before yesterday, but I clearly remember having done some colouring when my mother visited me yesterday afternoon, and I also remember having finished the sketch the day before I started colouring, so it must have been the day before yesterday that I started... confusing. So it will take more than three days to just draw Bellatrix. Hell yeah I'm dedicated. I might not be the biggest Harry Potter fan though, I've just always liked it for various reasons. I don't even have the books or the movies, but my family does.
Okay, now my brain is starting to get mushy. Time to finish this text whether I know how to or not. I think I'll write something shortly for tumblr as well though, but yeah. I do like doing those little summarises for tumblr. Sometimes it's hard to make all those million thoughts into such short texts, and other times I literally can't think of anything to say. Anyhow, this will be the last sentence here for today.
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