I took off my drag clothes cause they're so uncomfortable like damn. And my corset needs some tending to, as the glued parts are getting unglued again and if I'm ever gonna wear it in public I'm gonna need to sew instead of gluing or literally everyone would be able to see my shining white bra underneath. Classy, right? Oh, and if I do, remind me to shave my chest as well cause that showed in my cleavage, haha. If I ever go out in public in that outfit it would require so much shaving I'm gonna need a whole fucking day to prepare beforehand. I am not kidding, I have become somewhat of a bear.
No I'm neither complaining nor bragging about my body hair. It simply is there and it's gonna become somewhat of an issue that I'd have to deal with if I do go out in full drag where actual people can see me from neck down. I mean, on tumblr I only ever post pictures of my face and hair. I don't know why exactly but I still keep this secret from most people I know. I haven't told my family members or anyone on facebook that don't know my tumblr. I think maybe part of why is that I'd like to surprise my friends in Uppsala whenever I go there and go out in full drag when I'm in that city.
Like I want to save it for the right opportunity. I know I've gotten more than just decent at make-up, and I hope my dread wig is gonna look nice too. Clothing is easy, I've always known how to dress to achieve certain ways of looking. I know both the extreme feminine and the extreme masculine and some of the in betweens. I know my style. So it's basically the make-up I want to surprise people with. So that's partially why I haven't uploaded any such pictures on facebook yet. Another reason is that I don't know how my classmates would react to it. I'm sure some would think it's cool as fuck, but perhaps not everyone.
I'm still probably not gonna tell my mother as I'm sure it would make her think I'm regretting my transition or she just wouldn't understand it at all. I'm not regretting a damn thing, I'm just having a bit of fun. But something that struck me, someone, a person I'm not gonna say more than that, that I know of had transitioned to male but did regret that or rather she realised it wasn't something she wanted/needed, and this is the important part: she said she started realising that when she started missing presenting as female. Something hit me there, like what if it's the same for me? I started missing presenting as female too.
But I do have my doubts about that and they are strong. Cause whenever I do doll up I do feel great, but also terribly uncomfortable and dysphoric. Why do it then? I don't know! I just can't stop and it's obviously some kind of hobby or I don't even know what. I would almost, no actually, consider it some kind of passion. Cause I love playing with make-up and looking extremely feminine. I love trying to obtain the hour glass figure with just clothes, to shape my face temporarily and that's just the thing: I know it's temporary and that's why I can let out a sigh of relief, cause neither of that changes my looks permanently and that's really good for me.
I know I couldn't stand having real breasts again, but faking the looks of having that, that I somehow like. Maybe there's always been a part of me who liked acting, and that could be what it stems from. It's like, dressing up as someone or something else and pretend, but it's not a whole way charade, I don't act like a different person when in drag. Like, I don't change my voice or act in any different way. I'm still me, just wearing a costume.
I think it could also be that I'm trying to be someone or something I am not in order to escape myself somewhat. But at the same time I'm staying true to myself cause this is what I love. I love dressing in skirts and corsets, and doing dramatic make-up all over my face. I love looking overly feminine so to the point that society calls it drag. I wouldn't even call it that, if I'm digging deep. I guess I would call it simply expressing my true self. Yes, I'm still a guy, no matter what the fuck I do with my looks.
I'm pretty certain that if I had been a cis guy, people would not have been questioning my gender in the same way even remotely. They might have wondered, yes, but they would probably not have seen me as "just a confused girl deep inside" if you know what I'm getting at. Me transitioning is just as true, I do have these two polar opposites that are both just as me. A dire need to be seen as male in society and a dire need to express whatever it is I'm expressing when I dress up in drag. I'm both.
Both sides are parts of me and I'm trying my best to understand and embrace the two of them. At the same time as I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is I want to express when in drag. Cause heck yeah I'm feminine, but it's not precisely a female side that I'm expressing. I guess I'm back to experimenting, but in a whole different way. I'm safe now, in expressing my obviously male side and that's the side I mainly want to live out. That should be my "normal" face or what to say, the face I always lean back on as a safe security in this society.
Yes, this society is hurting me with its norms and rules, but that's not why I "chose" to rather express my male side than that diffuse whatever it might be side. No, it's because I feel the most at home there, because I simply have to, because it feels the most me and yeah, if I had to choose between being male or female I would choose the former without a doubt. I know I needed those 4 years from realising the first signs of being trans when I was 15 to stepping out of the closet finally at 19 to figure that out. Yes, I loved presenting as female and dressing that way, but it hurt significantly to be in a very feminine looking body and being seen as female in society.
Like, I still shine up whenever I hear someone say "he" about me or like at school today, my favourite classmate told me she thought I was manlier than the shitty classmate who thought he was the only guy there. Yeah, he totally said it behind my back that he still thought he was the only man in our class after he had been reminded of my existence. He does not know that I'm trans and neither does anyone else there. However, the more than decent classmate said that, with the explanation that I dare to be myself, and it completely made my day. She's pretty alternative looking too and by the way she was wearing an absolutely gorgeous black, knitted cardigan today that I would just love to have for myself.
However... (I'm getting off track constantly here but please bear with me, I might come to a point sooner or later) my point is that I still love it to bits when being seen as male no matter what the circumstances and to go back to being read as female would just be a nightmare for me. It would kill me so bad. And I know that the only way I like looking feminine is when I overdo it by these extremes, which society calls drag. I think, if you want my honest opinion, that society still can't handle men in make-up and dresses so it just has to categorise us as some kind of freak show.
Do I feel like a living freak show? Ah, heck yeah! Always, always felt that way, but that, my dears, is entirely on this society. I wouldn't see it that way with my dark sense of humor, if society had been different. Essentially, what I'm trying to do, is leaving society's norms and bullshit out of my mind when trying to figure myself out. It blocks my true thoughts and feelings and makes me simply feel like a freak and it just yells freak freak FREAK! in my head.
Now I don't mind being seen as a freak, I'm a self proclaimed one, but it is most definitely blocking my thoughts and feelings. I'm mostly just trying to be okay with myself, like don't freak out so much cause I simply love dressing up a certain way. It's just make-up, it washes off! It's just clothes, they can be changed! I think it just has such an impact on me that I'm entirely wrong and everyone who is an idiot thinks I'm actually regretting my "decision" to transition by putting on make-up.
Yeah, they're idiots and sadly, I happen to know a few of those kinds of people. Even have them on my friend's list on facebook. But, I'm not impossible or anything, I am (almost) always eventually up for just calmly explaining it to them, and... wait for it... most them actually get it after I've explained. They're not hopeless losers just because they are ignorant. No, all they need is a lesson, someone to point out, kindly, what exactly they're doing wrong and they can and will change. Most people do have some degree of kindness to them, most people aren't hurtful on purpose. I'm not, definitely not, aiming this at anyone in particular. No, I'm just throwing it out there. I think it's worth a thought.
That's why I make friends from all walks of life, cause I'm so often willing to educate them, and most of them, maybe 95% of everyone I've befriended over the past 10-11 years, have literally opened their eyes and accepted what I've said. And I can't help loving it when I can see it just brightens them up completely, like their eyes just shine up and they're like "aha, is that how it is, that makes so much sense now!" and it's just so damn worth it I can't even.
But then I'm not always up for explaining things all the damn time. Why should I? When there's google, for example? I'm smoking past the point of breathing difficulties right now and also I'm getting past the point of being tipsy. I don't intend to go to school tomorrow so who cares if I drink or not. Haha, yeah I'm drinking and I ate another chicken burger but guess what? My make-up still looks just as flawless. Oh noes, it started creasing under my eyes and my left eyelids are still glued together and the eyeliner has rubbed off on the eye shadow but... my eyes still haven't started running. Yay! I don't know why, but I know it helps not having any make-up on the waterline of my eyes.
I'm running out of vodka and words. But I believe I've said a lot and some of it might be new and insightful. Or not, I don't know. My one not-so-far future thought is to try and time a visit to Uppsala to whenever the monthly party dMz is gonna be, get a membership if required (I don't care if it's so over 500 bucks I'm getting it) and go full out drag there. It's not up and running during summers, that party, so it would probably either be April or May. I don't give a shit about school, they'll fucking give me a sodding week off no matter what. I'll probably tell them that my best friends couldn't have me visiting over any of the holidays or something.
Whatever I have to do, I'm going when it fucking pleases me cause it's literally been two years since my last visit there and it's definitely time for another visit. Good thing for me, one of my best friends are members/owners of that club these days so I'm pretty certain at least he's going to aim at going there whenever I am. Although I'm not sure if he's always there, but yeah. I'm really hoping it can work out somehow. I'll soon enough tell my best friend about my plans and hope we can all three of us work something out.
I mean, it's about two or three months until I plan on actually being there so no rush or anything. I want it to be spring cause then it's hopefully not too late but warm enough for me to wear what I want to wear. And still freezing my ass off a bit, but no pain no gain, haha. And yeah... I will speak to K if I so have to force him to talk to me cause I really do want to see him as well during my visit. I don't care how long or complicated the trip to go to him, cause he really lives far out in fucking nowhere, I'll get my ass there somehow.
I really do hope he'd want to see me too, cause I really have to tell him then. And I just want to see him, you know. But yeah, I really do have to tell him or I have a strong feeling it will be too late if I don't. And I don't care if we'll do fun stuff (parties, movies, drinking, I don't know) or just sitting somewhere and talking. I'd really like to meet his cats too, haha maybe that silly I don't know. However, I do really desperately need, I mean NEED to see him before it's all too late. And I know that timing in my visit to the main land to April/May is kind of pushing it, but yeah.
So, apparently not running out of words, just getting other ones. Anyway, I do feel my damn prophecy breathing heavily down my neck and it's just a couple of months away now. Yeah, I'd be sooo beyond disappointed if nothing happens. What if? -I keep thinking. Yeah, what if... but still I try to plan around it, cause I don't know what's gonna happen. All I have is a stupid prophecy that's been wrong before and a couple of hunches.
That's it for tonight, I'm working on my 5th and last drink and I need to go through this before I get too tired. Now, where do I start? Ah, right there.
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