I keep coming back to this dream. I just went through it all for a second time now. First time was maybe 6 months ago or so. The whole dream is a very high resolution, graphic video game that you step into and literally become your character. Much of it is similar to world of warcraft as some places and races and fighting styles comes from it but it's all also completely different. Like, it is a world. A whole different world that I can't even begin to describe.
But all the time I'm so incredibly sad and depressed while in that world. At first, I am with my father and my sister, we basically show him around and do cool tricks with our characters that we do have full control over. Like I turned myself into a bat (the animal) and flew around near a waterfall. I was trying to find my way to a specific place that I had unlocked earlier on but had forgotten where it was and what it was called, but it was in Draenor so that's taken from WoW.
This is gonna take some time for me to describe this dream, but I think it's just so cool, sad, dramatic, mysterious... I just have to share it. In about the middle of the dream my father tells me I should go take a shower while he will try to catch up with my sister who flew away somewhere also turned into an animal but it was not of an Earthly, or WoW sort. I don't know how to describe it. However, I head over to my temporary room or home within the game and start to undress after trying to shield myself off with a drapery to not be seen naked by the three older women who were in the same room. Then something happened, I woke up and when I fell back to sleep and was pulled into the dream again, I got the news of someone throwing a bomb into the room where I was.
So I decided finally I had my chance, so I hid under my bed when they evacuated the area and smiled when the bomb went off and I was blown into pieces. Then I watched the scene as a ghost or something, how my father rushed to the small house that was now scattered in ruins and not much was left of it at all. Random people in uniforms stumbled through the ruins and told my father to not come any closer. He randomly screamed "is my son there? is my daughter there?" or something similar, switching between pronouns and the people in uniforms asked my father if there was anything particular about the way I looked, perhaps my hair?
My father responded that I had black and green dreads and that's when I knew the uniforms had found my body. Now, this dream was perfect in terms of all the surroundings, exactly how I want the actual WoW to be like, yet I was so happy that I could die in it by being blown up into pieces.
The rest of the dream is fading now, I did not have enough time to write it all down. But I did linger around in that game as some kind of ghost for a while, I felt so at home there, like second best to Dala. I followed a weird blood elf couple that would merge into one person whenever they saw love because their own love was impossible. And another blood elf woman who was so obsessed with beauty that her looks had become the most horrendous that my mind could create at that time and place. It was kinda heartbreaking to see her.
And a very young couple (children) that looked somewhat human but also not, maybe like some kind of broken elves or forest people, and the male one of them was expecting their children. At first glance the babies looked like horrible monsters through his transparent belly, but the closer I looked, the more cute and adorable they appeared until I saw they were baby dragons.
All these people, and my father being basically what I always wanted for him to be like, just leave me with this very strange, sad yet calming, upset yet complete feeling. And I love this dream like a lost part of a forgotten past, I think it has so much to tell me, this second time, that it couldn't tell me the first time. I hope it never leaves me, but I think, I'm done dreaming it now. Cause now I got the message. I just have to interpret it now.
It just hits me, that I have so many happy places that I can never actually visit and that it saddens me so much. Nothing sweet without bitterness? Perhaps then, nothing's bitter without a bit of sweetness to it as well. Maybe that's what makes my life somewhat endurable, in the end. Knowing that even the darkest and gloomiest parts has some light in them as well. But also I can never find peace or feel free, or ever fully comfortable, because what's light always has a bit of darkness in it.
Maybe that's why I'm lingering, feeling stuck between the real world and the worlds that exist only in my mind. Cause in the real world I always feel the weight, the darkness, death and fate and responsibilities hanging over me, making me not wanting to stay in it. So I flee into my own worlds, either through daydreaming or actual dreaming, where I can feel that freedom I so long for, that comfort, to be myself so utterly and completely, but I can't stay in those either. I wish I could. Damn, I wish I could completely vanish into myself and never ever leave my dreams. All those magical places that I subconsciously create, or remember from past lives. To completely live in my own imagination. Be completely shut off from the real world.
I am doing better, I really am, but that dream awoke something within me. That longing, for my own twisted sense of what freedom is. To be free from this world. I believe that's why I don't think I could ever feel free while I'm still alive, because the way I view life, is literally like being in a prison. The only thing that could break my cage open is me dying. And I believe in it so strongly, that I have no doubt I always will. No matter what. It's been imprinted in me since early childhood at least, that death is the only real freedom. I can't believe in anything else.
What I'm doing now, making dreads, drawings, writing, go to school and whatever, I'm just passing time. It has no deeper meaning. It still feels shallow. Activities to get life going in the only direction it can: towards death. I still dream and fantasise about dying, just not as much and I'm not thinking about it that much either. I mean, up until now I hadn't thought about it for weeks, but now that I do, I realise I still want death more than I want life. I'm still not gonna attempt anything, but probably wouldn't turn down the option if I was given it.
So that's how I'm living, truly, and I couldn't say it before because I didn't even know it. My words are coming to an end but it's been quite a good couple of new insights today. I might tell you about the other one I had early this morning, if I feel up for going through that text. Yes, it's already written, it just needs some brutal editing before I'm posting it. I don't want to say too much, cause it involves another person. But more about that later. Now I need to rewind and do something else for a while.
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