All the way back from my psychologist's office I thought about having a child, and I thought about it in every possible angle during that 45 minutes long car ride. No matter how I twist and turn it, bottom surgery will have to wait. Another couple of years or more. Cause, let's say I decide to go for having a child, I'd first have to find someone who could make me pregnant, preferably a future partner or a friend, and that could take years from now. Then I don't know my body when it comes to that, meaning I have no idea how easily I could get pregnant or if I even can at all. So that could also take years.
I guess I've pretty much decided I can't just ignore that wish to have a child. It's going to stay no matter what I do. But I have to be at least somewhat smart in how I'd go about it. And I've been living with that wish for 3 years now without having gone and done something stupid, so for as long as I'm still live, why should I not be able to give it more time? If I don't die this spring or anytime soon, I think I could technically give it a few more years before I dissolve from my impatience.
I also don't know how long my organs can take all this testosterone, so I should and do keep that in mind as well. I wish there were more, or any studies on that in medicine. That science knew more about it so I wouldn't have to guess how much longer I could keep my organs intact while still being on testosterone. Cause I really don't want to pause my hormone therapy right about now for something that can and probably will take years. I would suffer too much if I had my original estrogen levels back in my body again.
No, I'll wait until I find a decent person who could and want to make me pregnant, then I'll pause my hormones. And of course go back on them either when I've had the child or when giving up on ever being able to get pregnant if it turns out I can't. That's the plan so far, at least. Pretty vague, but it's something. So, what I'm probably gonna do right now about it is simply just wait. Wait, wait and wait until I can find that person whoever it might be. It might be a new person, someone I don't know yet, or it could be an old friend for all I know.
I would though, try to save it for when I have a decent partner, as I think child raising would be easier if I had a partner to do that with. And of course it would help if that person had that equipment, but if they won't, I'm sure we could solve it some other way.
How sad isn't it, that I thought to myself long ago that I wouldn't go looking for a cis guy again, and then if I want a child, a cis guy is probably the type of person I should be aiming for? Knowing of course that not only cis guys are equipped that way, I'm not stupid. But most people with that type of equipment are cis males. I don't think I have much other options than doing it the way nature intended it or how to put it, because I feel that's the only way no one can stop me. I just don't think this shitty society would want me to have a child on purpose. I think a lot of people would try to stop me, by reminding me of what a wreck I am and how disabled I am. How throwing in a child into my life would not be a good solution to any of my million problems.
I think they're wrong in that case. I think, that maybe it could actually be somewhat of a solution. Not like a cure, absolutely not, but something to give my life some purpose and meaning again. I don't think love, which is what I associate with having child is, would do me any kind of harm. Sure, it would be difficult, maybe even impossible, but I still think it would be worth it. I still do. Despite everything, I think it would be worth it. But I don't think society would agree with me. In my opinion, I think society only thinks stable people with a decent job, a good relationship and who are in good health physically and mentally, should have children. Then if they're terrible people society seems to care less about. But that's just what I think.
I might not be a very good person, but I do believe I have good intentions and know a thing or two about how to treat children growing up, although I haven't had much practice, to be honest. I'm patient with people in general, I'm good at dealing with fights and disagreement. What I'm not so good at is setting rules or being a good example. My child would probably be such a rebel, open minded and not give a damn about what anyone thinks. My child would probably not be very obedient either. A pain in the ass to others but the most perfect person to me. Perhaps I wouldn't be the only parent with that kind of reasoning though.
I do still think a lot about it, and it's possibly the only far into the future thing I would like to do with my life. It's been 3 years now, as I first started thinking in the terms of wanting a child sometime during February 2013. And it's still with me. Sure, in periods I've been trying to reason my way out of it, but it didn't succeed much, now did it? Maybe I should just give into it, as it's apparently what I truly want. I haven't known what to do with that wish for all this time, constantly bearing in mind that I wouldn't be fit for being a parent, that throwing in a child into my life just wouldn't be such a good idea, and also not having much of anyone to discuss these thoughts with.
I don't want my family to know, because let me put it this way: if they think I'm unfit for getting a driver's license, why would they be okay with me having a child? They wouldn't, at all. And my psychologist would only focus on the practical aspects of it, or make a huge deal about how fascinating it would be with a transguy giving birth to his own child and all that fun stuff. I don't want it to be a big deal, I just want a child, that's all.
But I know, I do very well know, that if I do get pregnant it's gonna become a big deal, cause it wouldn't exactly be something I could just hide. Like, also if I do have my own child and walk around with it, well anywhere, and people ask me who the mother is, what would I say? Yeah, I either have to lie or tell the truth. Sure, perfect strangers have no business knowing, but what about friends, classmates, old classmates that became friends? People I like and know but who don't know about my background?
And those that do know about me would definitely make a big out if it. Some would be fascinated and happy for me while others wouldn't understand it at all. I do know all kinds of people. However, I do feel I don't really have anyone to share all these thoughts with, except from anyone who reads this, that is. I did talk about it with my former therapist or whatever her position was, the one I really didn't like and stopped seeing during the summer last year. Yeah, her. And she made a huge deal out of it. So to the point that I regretted having said anything at all about it.
Of course, I could talk to my best friend about it, but it's just that we don't talk that much at all these days. And maybe I'm scared she would think I shouldn't have a child at all because of all my difficulties. But yeah, she wouldn't make a huge deal of it, she wouldn't be grossed out by it or anything such. I'm sure she would also understand it from another perspective too, that she might want a child too one day. I know she's hinted at that. Haha, I've actually wondered who of us might be first to have a child. I would have loved to raise mine in Uppsala, with her by my side, but I'm thinking that's not gonna happen.
I'm not saying I would need her to help me out with whatever, just that it would be lovely to have her by my side. For her to see my child grow up and be a part of their life, however much they would both want that. Same as I'd want to be a part of her possible future child's life in the same way. But you never know, I might still be able to move back to Uppsala one day, but that's probably years from now if I survive this year. And by then I hope I will already have my little family. If only at least just the start of one.
I have so many thoughts about this I can't possibly write them all down, not right now at least, and some are secrets I can't share too, as those thoughts involve other people and their secrets. And I'm careful with not giving you hints of those. Cause a part of me wants to tell you about that too, but I just can't. Oh damn I'm so tired after that meeting with my psychologist, should I drink more coffee and try to stay up or give up and crash on the couch? Oh, these damn decisions...
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