Highs and lows

Too tired to draw now. I finished Legolas and started sketching Aragorn and that's as far as I've gotten. I'm stuck being focused on K and can't think of anything else. In May I will have been in love with him for 3 years. Somehow I can't grasp that concept, that it's almost been 3 years. Loving in misery, that's how I would describe it. It's been more painful than wonderful. More obsessive than sweet, more crude than a crush. I had a crush on him just the first couple of months or so, then it developed into an obsession by the time of fall 2013. So that happened kind of quickly.

And I'll hold to him forever and ever, I'm never letting go. If that means I'll live the rest of my life pining for him, so be it. I'll get used to it. I've already gotten used to it. In fact it's like I've never known anything else by now. Do you think that's sad? I think it is. I really didn't want to fall in love with him, back almost 3 years ago, cause of my previous heartbreaks, I was scared of getting heartbroken again. But I had no choice. I felt like I was forced to fall, pushed and shoved. I don't regret it cause it's not something I can regret. It wasn't my choice, it just happened.

And I guess I'll write more about this and repeat the same words as we get closer to May. If I even live that long, I don't know. I feel this heavy, unnameable feeling right now when I think of this. Like where did those years go when I drowned in my endless obsession? Usually my obsessions are short lived and intense, but this one is forever and extremely intense. It literally owns me. I feel like I'm my feelings' puppet and they're controlling every inch of me. Especially my feelings for K. They're like a god or something, a huge power that I have no grasp of. And I don't know if I ever will be able to grasp them, or gain any sense of control over them.

Most likely not. If that's not their purpose, then I might. This spring is daunting to me, yet exciting, yet I don't care either way. The prophecy is losing its power over me, I believe in it less and less. I believe whatever happens will happen whether I have a stupid prophecy hanging over me or not. I see it more as a warning than an absolute truth now. I just know, think, believe, that something great will happen and I don't know if it's something that I will survive or not. It could be several events too, and my suspicion is that K will somehow be involved in it. If it's actually him things will happen to - good or bad - and it will affect me greatly. But it's just a suspicion, a theory. I don't know anything for sure.

I do have my fears of what it could possibly be, but I can't think about that right now. There's no use in over analysing it anyway. I'm too sad to form words and I don't even know what's saddening me. It's just 8 days until February 14th but I haven't really felt that pain yet. I guess I'm still too numb for that. But my eyes form tears as I google the date so I guess I'm not completely alright either. Just wanted to know which day of the week it was back in 2007. I thought it was a Sunday but couldn't have been more wrong as apparently it was a Wednesday. My memory of that day isn't exactly 100% complete. And maybe I should be grateful for that.

But I wonder how school will be for me next week. Like the whole week. Will I be functioning at all? Or just sit and rock myself in a corner telling people that I'm still coping with a 9 years old trauma that I don't really want to talk about? I don't know, but I always have that nagging feeling that it's considered more okay for women to talk about having been raped, than it is for men. Like too many people still think that men can't be raped, and sure my situation could be considered slightly different as I wasn't openly male when that happened, but still. It's none of my classmates' business anyway.

But if I'm a complete mess and it's way obvious, I guess I'll have to say something. Give them some kind of explanation that isn't a complete lie. And I know a lot of my classmates are victims of sexual assault, so I'm guessing even if I would mention it, they would be, at least some of them, understanding. I don't know. My two favourite classmates might get the honour to know. I don't know. It all depends on the circumstances and my ability to talk at that moment.

Maybe they wouldn't be surprised. They know how the topic of rape causes me to feel extra awful. I still recall that day when our teacher (!) brought up that topic during our coffee time right before all the lessons one morning, and literally half the class left the room, including me. Although I tried to stay at first but then I was like nope, can't deal with this, excused myself and went out for a smoke where rest of the half of the class were already gathered.

I think I'm pretty much as "over it" as I ever can get by now, where it doesn't hurt me much most days of the year unless someone brings up the topic. I can handle it better if I'm drunk though. But I can't and won't drink at school. I'll just have to suffer through it somehow. If I live another year, I'll be "celebrating" a 10 year anniversary. Then it will have been a whole decade. Where did all that time go...?

Yeah, I've finally found a way to play mage in WoW. That took... like 7 years. I'm going arcane and instead of just always first hitting my target with arcane barrage and then spam arcane blast, I'm focusing more on building arcane charges and using arcane missiles. That way mobs die faster and my character lives longer. Or, so far so good at least. Only problem is that the arcane charges time out a tad too quickly and I'm getting mildly stressed when going from mob to mob. But it's also fun to be a little stressed and I speed up with blink and blazing speed between mobs if I need to.

Just got my highest level mage character up to level 27, which I know isn't much but last time I tried playing mage I deleted that character at level 28 without even giving him a chance. This time I've explicitly forbidden any kind of deletion of this particular character cause I'm totally in for learning how to play arcane and I'm not giving up. I mainly chose arcane cause it's funnier and cooler than frost and fire. I mean, frost was just boring me half to death and fire seemed too complicated and also too similar to destruction warlocks in my opinion. I mean, arcane seems like nothing else and I like that.

So... if I can learn how to play mage, then it's only warrior that is the only class I really can't play. Also, having cloth intellect heirlooms really helps me with the mages. I believe it would have been half impossible for me to even survive past level 5 without heirlooms. I don't have any mail or any other armour value heirlooms with strength that I could use for a warrior, so that's one of the reasons I'm not even gonna try with that class at the moment. I'm like... half assed half decent with almost all classes but kinda good with destruction warlocks and balance druids, and suck at warriors. I'm like mediocre at everything, haha. Cause I need the constant variation I can't just go all in with one class and stick with it.

And also, it seems Blizzard keeps changing the classes all the freaking time, or it feels like it cause I've been playing for soon 8 fucking years, and honestly I can't keep up with them. But ah, mages are so fun now, I'm gonna create 10 of them of different races and genders and just arcane all over the place. I have 3 right now, I think. A human female, a blood elf female and then the blood elf male which is my highest level of them.

I counted to that I now have 47 characters altogether, and for some reason Blizzard won't let me create 3 more even though the max limit is 50. It bothers me but as long as I can keep deleting and creating new characters that way, I guess it's no biggie. Wow, this song is so feel-good I'm getting hyper! It's "Hunting high and low" by Stratovarius. Thank you K for the tip, I will play this song on repeat for ages now until I'm so tired of it I can't think straight. Also keep listening to "Wild is the wind" by David Bowie that Y posted somewhere as well. I must have heard that song before as I've heard virtually every song by him but can't remember it from my memory. So it was nice hearing it as if it was new.

I don't have that specific cd that that song is on originally, but then I only seem to have a handful of his cd's. Like I'm sure I had both "Tonight" and the soundtrack to Labyrinth but I can't find either of them anywhere among my belongings. Maybe having moved 5 times for the past 6 years may have something to do with it, me constantly losing things, that is. But right now I'm listening to that song by Stratovarius instead, mainly cause just hearing Bowie's voice makes me cry and I don't know, maybe I need it in small doses or something.

I'm pushing away my worry for K and focusing on mages in WoW instead. Is that awful of me? No wait, I don't really care if you think it is, cause it's something I need to do to not crumble myself. It's enough with one of us crumbling, I mean. I still hold on to the thought that I should be strong for him, if I can and if it's not hurting me in the process. I know darkness all too well, and well, a lot of the things he's going through I can recognise myself in. I've been there too so I know how painful it can be. Yet it's hard to reach out, to say I know cause I've been there or currently am there too, cause you know what? Just because I've been through or am going through the exact same thing, doesn't mean that it IS the exact same thing.

We're two different people with different minds and different hearts, we do not experience the same things the same way. And I've always gotta keep that in mind somehow. This might come off as slightly weird and creepy, but if I stare long enough at pictures of K, it kinda looks like he's breathing. Like the pictures start moving, just very little and sort of in a rhythm. I don't really find it scary or anything, I think it's just some kind of optical illusion because I'm literally staring my eyes out. It might make me a creep though, but who is it hurting?

Now I think I'm reaching the end of this entry and I don't really know what was the point with it. I wrote this just the past few hours or so, so it's not a complete illustration of my whole day, just my evening and beginning of the night. Most of the day has been alright but I don't remember having done much. Some drawing, some WoW, went shopping and that's about it. Nothing out of the ordinary. I'll probably stay up a little bit longer before I crash in bed, but this will be my final words for today.