So I meant to post this on Thursday when I wrote it but I didn't so I'm posting it now instead. Mostly I've just been too lazy to edit it or thought of it too late during the day and been too tired. However, now I'm neither too lazy nor too tired, so I'm finally going through it. This is that second insight I wrote about earlier. I've been spending (way too much) time thinking about this ever since but haven't actually really gotten anywhere with my thoughts. I might add them lastly but we'll see.
The tension is real at school now. That only other guy in my class is acting like a jerk and the teachers had to stop him from constantly interrupting the classmate that I like the most but he likes the least. Damn, I feel I'm starting to hate him or something. I've been feeling more strongly for people around me in general lately. I'm not just mediocre casual friends with everyone anymore. No, I favourite, love and hate in all directions. And one more thing, I realised just this morning, is that I'm scared I might be falling for my favourite classmate.
Yeah, she's definitely my type, if I have one of those, personality wise mostly. No I know I rarely develope feelings for women, but it does and can happen. She's in a relationship since 10 years back and they might be married but I'm not sure, but she does have two children with him too. Just to point out how utterly chanceless I would be. And also she's about 10 years older than me and says she would never date anyone as young as me. I'm not thinking as far as that I would want to date her, no, it was just... the thought just hit me when I looked at her during our coffee break ("fika" though) early this morning.
Like, I just thought to myself "I could fall in love with her" without me even being fully aware of my own thoughts. If I do though, just if, I'd most likely keep it to myself and not let her ever know about it. What good would that do? Telling her, I mean. I'm just trying to prepare for the worst, I guess. And no, it seems I can't possibly fall for someone who could ever love me back, or someone I could stand even an ounce of a chance with. My heart is so fucking annoying I can't even...
Yeah, I am scared of that happening, especially since it would mean I'm still polyamorous and being in love with K offers no fucking protection from further heartbreaks what so ever. Then it doesn't matter what I do, I can't control my heart. Maybe, what I'm fearing the most is losing that imagined control, rather than having my heart broken again. Cause I'm so used to heartbreak it's just not such a big deal anymore. But another thing I fear is things getting even more intense at school for me.
Even if I'd never let her know, I'd still be carrying the tension within myself whenever I'm there, whether she is too or not. I think I've used the letter "F" as a name/pseudonym for her here on my blog before, so I guess I could continue saying that instead of "my favourite classmate" which undoubtedly does sound a little creepy. I don't know, what makes me so drawn to her. But that she's brutally honest, very straight forward, has no shame or guilt it seems, she's kind and loving in a quite quirky way, has known darkness and knows how to thrive in it, she's just so damn fierce how can I not like her?
If I do have a type specifically aimed at women, it would be someone like her. A woman who's not afraid to speak her mind and stand for what she says, who can take care of herself (well I don't mean being hysterically healthy, but more like someone who knows how to stand on her own two legs without constantly leaning on others) and at the same time is charming, kind and has a good or at least decent sense of humour. If I'm digging any deeper now I'd probably say she would be a perfect example of how the perfect woman would be like for me. Like the type of woman I've always been looking for. And I have to move on, cause it doesn't matter how damn right it all feels like it could be, I don't stand a chance and I need to just stay back.
Yeah I am more focused on her personality than her looks, in case you didn't notice that I haven't described her looks much at all. But yeah, she's about my height, could be slightly heavier but not by much and honestly I don't even know how big or small I am compared to anyone, but she's not overweight nor underweight. Covered in tattoos that I have to force myself to not gaze at day in and day out cause they're so awesome. Short hair with sidecuts and undercut, dyed in a dark purple/red shade. Cute, even beautiful, but no she doesn't look like 20. Dresses almost only in black and I almost always like what she's wearing. We do have a very similar taste in clothing and such. Sometimes she wears lots of make-up but not always. So that's about the most decent summary I can come up with. Hopefully she's not reading this right now... then Satan can fuck me over a million times if I don't kill myself first, haha.
I feel as though I've always been strangely drawn to her even from the start of the fall term. Back then she had like a shield around her that screamed "don't fucking come near me" and I did act with much caution but I wasn't afraid. I believed she had good reasons for disliking people and being put in a group full of strangers, and it turned out I was right about that. I simply gave her time and space as I just kinda slowly showed that I meant no harm what so ever. I just, somehow knew we would end up liking each other as friends and good classmates.
I do feel as though we just keep getting closer but I do also know that there's a limit. I keep my distance, she keeps hers. And I know I still haven't exactly told her the story of my life yet, and I don't know if I ever will. This may be my last term at that class/course while she'll continue to go there at least one more term I presume. I don't know. I will need to sort out this chaos before I can even begin to understand what's going on with me. Could my heart hold love for two unobtainable people at once? And what's that supposed to be good for? Why can't I just fall for someone obtainable instead? Why this? I just don't understand what the bloody point would be, and I'm tired of messes like these. Have I not suffered enough...?
No, of course I haven't, and I never will have. That much is clear to me. But then, if I turn it around, maybe I'll also never feel joy and happiness enough too. That it will never be too much happiness, if I just keep going. I don't know, I guess I'll keep going either way, whatever's in store for me. I will know eventually. And I will try to tackle this as well as I possibly can, no matter what it might or might not turn into. Yet I only have a very vague sensation of which direction things might be heading, it's almost like a hunch kinda. All I know is that there's something shooting tiny sparks inside me, and it could lead to it becoming a crush. I'll keep an eye out, and thank the higher powers or my heart (or whatever is to blame) for the warning. I think I needed it.
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