Superficial matters

I just took out my dreads again. Got bored with and tired of them. I know I rarely write here anymore but it's because of several reasons: 1) I can't think of anything interesting and new to say and my own texts bore me, 2) I never finish any texts, 3) I don't have the energy to go through and edit anything and 4) everything I say just feels so old and repeated. Mostly I'm going on about make-up, drawing stuff, dreads and world of warcraft.

Now I'm wearing my blonde wig again, still wishing my real hair looked like that. I was almost not able to save a very entangled part of my hair just now, but managed to work it out. I'm so impatient for my new black wig, dread hair and make-up to arrive now, that I ordered yesterday. But I'm gonna have to wait until at least Tuesday, possibly Wednesday. It could all come the same day or slightly different days. I hope everything lives up to my expectations...

Not much happening here these days. I still eat too much junk not knowing how to deal with that, I still am not falling apart completely but yeah. I still cry at school for no apparent reason. But mostly I'm just at home alone and either play WoW, draw or play with make-up. I want to go more elaborate with that but my runny eyes is a problem. Hopefully my new concealer will help with that when it arrives. But I'm not expecting any miracles.

And then I also long for starting making those black and red dreads for which I bought hair. I'm thinking about and trying to decide how long and thick I want them, mostly. So yeah, I'm pretty boring and superficial these days. Not really thinking about anything deep and exciting. And I do like it that way, I do find comfort in the simpler things, those that typically don't drain me... much.

Right now I'm trying to draw Emilie Autumn but it's hard getting her skin looking decent especially with that pink blush she's wearing. I decided for satin and the warm grey scale cause there's not much colour on her pale face and the shadows are mostly leaning to grey. So far I've finished the sketch and coloured one of her eyes, and a little bit of the skin in her face. Also, her hair is gonna be a massive project in red, pink and white. It's a rather bright red so I'm thinking I'll mostly use crimson, lipstick red and carmine there. But yeah, haven't nearly gotten that far yet.

And I got my highest level arcane mage in WoW up to level 76 yesterday, so that's going good. Still overly careful and tactful with what mobs I attack to avoid getting mass attacked as I use to call it. I tried to kill a rare mob in Zul'Drak yesterday when I was at level 75 and failed miserably. It killed me before I had even gotten its health down to 50%... so yeah, I'm not exactly a killing machine but I can take down most mobs as long as they're not several on me at once. And also I need a little bit of luck with arcane missiles as well.

And I do really kinda like the supernova spell but have to be careful I'm very alone with my mob cause that's an area of effect (AoE) spell. I had absolutely no use of frost nova, which supernova replaced, so that's a good upgrade to me. I actually don't even understand why I should have frost nova to begin with. I get it at level 3 but it's just so... useless? Basically what it does is freezing all targets within 10 yards or so and they can't move for a few seconds, but it breaks the effect if they're attacked. Just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. At all.

Yeah I did create like a dozen of mages across the servers and I have a male belf, a female belf, a male dwarf, a female human, a male undead, a female undead and a female troll mage as of now. Good for me that almost every race in WoW can be mages, all except tauren if I remember that correctly. Not sure about pandaren but I don't play that race so who gives a fuck.

I didn't buy any cake at the grocery store today. Instead I bought pancakes, lettuce, cheese and bread. Thinking that's a tad bit better than cake and pizza. I have until May/June to lose 5-10 kg so I'm trying to start already as I'm most likely gonna need a period of trial and error before I actually start losing any weight. Starting tomorrow cause I still have some chocolate left today that I must gorge on until it is no more. I'll still eat some of that pizza cause it's not as bad as it may seem (at least calorie wise) but just not as much and try to eat other things as well.

So, my plan is to just eat a bit better for a little while, try and find foods that work and cut back on the sweets. Then when that's working try to eat a little less for a while and start counting calories again. Maybe start by cutting it down to 900-1000 a day. Then try to start fasting again, the goal is at least two days a week of coffee fasting and then eat somewhere around 700-900 calories a day on the other days. No sweets but sugar in my coffee is still a must. It should take at least a month to get into that routine, and then be on it for at least one or two months to get those kilos off me.

Exactly what I'll eat doesn't matter much to me as long as it's not too unhealthy. Like I know I need to eat more vegetables as well as more dairy products.

However. So funny how I just bought a primer for my make-up routine and then my favourite make-up artist on youtube makes a video about primers... It's gonna take forever for me to do my make-up in the morning when I get my new products. First wash my face and shave, then moisturise, let it set, then add primer, let that one set, then foundation, concealer, highlighter, contour, powder over everything, then fill in my eyebrows and add some eye shadow around my eyes and I swear to god I can't understand why I always forget to curl my lashes!

Yeah, all of that every morning. Gonna need more than 20-30 minutes soon. But hopefully blending stuff will be easier with that sponge, so that can go a bit faster. I don't know. Gonna have to try the whole routine some afternoon or evening first and time it to see how long it's gonna take, before doing it right before school. So I'm not like "oops, took longer than expected, I'm 15 minutes late".

Ahaha, my nails look so nice now, I think I'm gonna keep them at this length for a while. Any longer and they'll be in the way and start breaking, I think. I do use my "Maximum growth" nail polish by Sally Hansen but of course it doesn't actually make them grow faster, just keeps them from breaking by keeping them slightly stronger. I bought it years ago but I still have half the bottle left so it really has lasted long. I think I bought it when I still lived in Uppsala and that was almost 4 years ago since I moved from there. I really couldn't have long nails without that polish.

Sadly, it's now gotten to the point where I don't want to leave my apartment without make-up on. I just feel like I look ugly and gross without it. Today I "just" moisturised, then slapped on foundation, did some contouring and filled in my eyebrows to keep it as simple as possible. Just for grocery shopping. I don't get that much acne in terms of quantity these days, but the few pimples I do get are often very deep and big and gross and take forever to get rid of. And they scar so bad. Like I can't even avoid scarring at all, cause if I don't pop them they'll pop themselves. It literally can't be avoided.

Now my cheeks and jawline are the worst places. Forget the the "T-zone" cause that's not my most affected area. My forehead is almost completely clear and my nose usually is too. I also get dry patches and flaky skin where the worst acne is, and I do not doubt my moisturiser is what's making it so bad. But I can't deal with having dry flaky skin AND acne, for crying out loud! Also I need to moisturise my eyebrows or they'll get some kind of weird dandruff or what do I know. I don't even...

I feel as though my face is a god damned mess but others say my acne has been worse or that it's gotten better. I don't know what to believe, but I'm soon 27 and I don't want to deal with medium severe acne anymore. I doubt it's the hormones. No, this must be some kind of cystic acne. I have thought of going back to my local doctor and bring that cream he gave me and say this shit just made it worse, give me something that actually works. But then I'm not too fond of dealing with doctors and what not. I haven't decided what I'll do about that yet.

I guess that's one of my main concerns these days, dealing with superficial shit that makes me feel like I look like shit. I mean, I'm more concerned about what's on the outside rather than what's on the inside.

Right, so I've just finished drawing Emilie Autumn's face and will soon start with the hair. I've decided the red parts of her hair to be in crimson, lipstick red, carmine and baby pink which is more like a pinkish red tone, cause it's a very light and soft red in my reference picture. Also I think that will go well with what's gonna be pink in the picture, as red and pink are usually kinda hard to match. So I tend to make the reds lean to pink and the pinks lean to red.

Also I'm very pleased with how her eyes turned out. I used ice grey 4, 3 and 1 as a base, then added white lines with gel pen and green, yellow and black lines with colour pencils. So they're kinda icy grey with just a hint of green to them. It was hard trying to figure out what eye colour she really has judging by pictures, as they were grey on some, greenish on others and blueish on yet other pictures. So I simply went with how they look on that one reference picture I'm going after.

So this is what I write about all days lately. It doesn't get more interesting or deeper. Like ever. Not even at night, then I just get tired and usually stop writing sometime around 23:00.

It's now past midnight and I'm starting to get too tired to do anything at all. That last cup of coffee did absolutely nothing as I tried to get a last spurt of energy for my drawing about 20 minutes ago. I did draw some of her hair, random red, pink and white parts of it. Then I got halfway through her fringe and couldn't focus anymore. But so far so good at least.

Now just finishing up with a few last cigarettes for today, taking my meds and maybe play some more WoW before I crash in my bed. Look through tumblr one last time and facebook too. So that's it for now.