Intrusive thoughts

Dear Y, it's been silent from you a while now. I just want you to know I'm still patient and I don't mind you taking your time. But I keep thinking about you and wondering how, like everything, is going for you.

I kept wanting to tell you something but couldn't find the words, any words. Sad, isn't it, that sometimes I have to drink in order to become more expressive? I think it is but I don't know what you think. Perhaps I should by now? I keep feeling disconnected from you, not wanting to be. I keep asking myself what I'm doing wrong, knowing that what's wrong is probably out of my control.

I cannot help who I love and not, who I love more intensively than the other. And I don't know when would be the time to tell you, but I keep getting these intrusive thoughts... that things aren't what they seem to be.

My mind constantly keeps battling itself ever since sometime in late December and I don't know how much of it I should announce or not. These intrusive thoughts are not very nice, they're really quite bad and I guess that's why I'm holding back telling you about them, I just can't sort them out.

Maybe it's just in my nature or I don't know what to blame it on, cause yeah I realise that's what I'm trying to do, to question everything. But either way I am questioning everything. And I subconsciously criticise so brutally.

I wish I didn't, but I'm thinking it might be either necessary on some level or it's me just being too damaged. To never fully 100% completely trust a single soul. No, not even K, not even my mother, not even you. And I do have a sensation that doesn't come as a surprise to you, as I think we both know we both have some form or degree of trust issues.

I just don't know how to handle those thoughts, and without telling you exactly what they are, cause I don't think I'm ready yet, I just want you to know they do exist and I'm trying to reason with them. To look at them logically, emotionally and try to understand them. But the thing is I've been trying for months now and I'm getting nowhere.

When I think it's time to let you know, I won't tell you like this though. But, as you know me, I just have a hunch that you already know what I'm talking about by now. I wish I was as connected to you as you are to me, but I guess wishing takes me nowhere, so instead... I don't know, but I'm like just trying to let it come to me in a way? I don't think that's something that can be forced.

But if I'm not completely wrong, I think, that if what's gonna happen this spring actually does happen (cause you never know) it might bring me closer to you. Or further away from you, cause for all I can tell from here, my criticism might take me further and it could potentially... fuck everything up. I really hope not.

But I feel it stinging in my gut like acid and I can hope with all my heart it won't become that way, but again, what good does it do? I cannot know much about the future as I try to let it go and let it just happen cause it's gonna happen no matter what, but you know that my thoughts, fears and obsessions tend to get in the way of things.

Now I haven't written anything to you in a while, but I did not neglect you. Partially I couldn't come up with anything to say, partially I thought maybe you'd write to me soon and I could tell you then. But I don't mean to interrupt you or say that I'm sick of waiting cause that wouldn't be true at all; I only wanted to give you some of my thoughts now that I'm finally able to write them down. I don't really know how life's treating you lately (like this past week then) but I hope it's not too bad. You are in my thoughts.

/John