Close enough

I only broke my smoking schedule once yesterday, so I still smoked very little, only 12 cigarettes. Instead of 11 that was my plan. I won't blame myself for that mistake, it's actually more surprising that I made it as good as I did.

Today I'm only allowed 9 cigarettes, which will probably be 10, but that's okay. It might even not reach to more than 8. Depends how good I am at distracting myself, and how bad my anxiety becomes at night.

So far I've also figured out which ones are the most important for me. The first one in the morning and the last one right before I go to bed. I'm "lucky" to only have two important ones, but it will be extra hard to let go of them at the end of the week.

Otherwise I think this will be doable, since my motivation is almost 100%. Almost, because I'm never exactly hundred on anything at all, and I've never been. If it's something very important it can land on something so close to hundred I count it as that. Like right now it feels like something close to 9,9999999% and that my dears, is fucking close enough.

I think I figured out what I am, or what is me. My personality, parts of my emotions, my past present and future. The deepest of my feelings, those that don't go away. Not the strongest emotions, just the deepest, if you know what I mean. Like my homesickness, longing, long lost love and such. My personality is what defines me, though not all of it.

I am not my thoughts, or at least so I believe. That thoughts come after emotions, that some thoughts aren't even mine, that they come from somewhere else. That might be schizo talk, thinking my thoughts are someone else's. But I believe that however.

Okay, that cigarette ended way too fast. Now I have at least five more minutes until that hour long car trip to Visby. I'm gonna see my speech therapist for the second time, yeah it's new one. Focused just on how I perceive my voice and what I can do to become more comfortable with it, and not so much on the trans aspect.

Impossible dream

You have no idea what I'm going through. I have no idea. I'm torn apart, in pieces. Between Dala and this life, between Caspian and my love in this life. Between my past and the present. Good thing there is no future to worry about. Yes there is, on second thought. And it worries me too, but not so much, not the near future anyway.

I thought so much, I wrote so much. And all it did was bring me to tears. A fucked up fantasy about my love being Caspian and we both found out about each other, falling deeply in love more than I ever thought I could imagine. If that is my dream, then it's even more impossible than I first thought.

Kill my dream already, kill it. Cause it's killing me. My fairytale dream about perfect love, a love so strong that I've never felt. This conflict between my past and now seems to entangle more and more. Caspian is dead. He's long gone and his ghost is visiting me at night. He's dead, damn it, he's dead. Stupid fucking dream, it's destructive.

It's so typical. Once something good finally is about to happen in my life all this old crap comes out with a new twist. That twist that became a knot in my heart, threatening to tear it to pieces again. It's been 24 years, almost 25 and I still can't let go of him? I don't think I ever will, not entirely.

I notice that I actually some times confuse my love for Caspian and I feel very weird when I refer to him as "my sweet prince". I don't know why I do that, or why I can't stop.

My heart is in shreds. My soul is screaming for its home. It's the scream inside me, the scream that will never ever silence. Deafening, blinding and controlling.

Well, I kinda knew it

Arghhh, I knew it wouldn't be that easy with the surgery, I just knew it! Just spoke to them yesterday and everything seemed fine, they were just gonna send some information papers. The things mentioned in them (just got the papers) are things I was supposed to have done two weeks before the surgery. They should have sent me a frigging time machine as well! Fuck!

Now I'm having doubts they will take me in on Tuesday... I soooo want it done and then all this crap comes up and things just got really complicated. I'm still smoking and I took salicylic acid (Treo) which is thinning my blood, I could bleed to death in there. Damn, I thought things were going a bit too well...

Just raging now. I put my mother on the phone with them cause I just can't stop shaking, could barely even hold the phone when I spoke to my mother and my voice was trembling. Now I just have to wait for her call and my final judgement. Fit for surgery or not?

I could probably have lied a little if I could muster calling them myself, but I don't know if that would have been to my winning. If my bad habits can kill me on that table or lead to horrible complications it wouldn't be worth it, no matter how damn much I want that surgery.

Being healthy isn't exactly easy for me. I'm a ball of anxiety and reach for anything, however destructive I can, just to survive. They should have told me these things long before, already at the consultation in August. What is it with people not giving out information in time, just expecting everyone to know that stuff? I've never had surgery before, I didn't know anything of that.

Still waiting for my mother call back, and I can't calm down. I'm hysteric, allover the place and can't even breathe right. I need to eat, need to go to the drug store. Need a shower. Close the window, but even that I can't muster. Just writing, only writing and smoking. Rocking myself as I lose sensation in my fingers due to the coldness in here. Just breathe damn it, just breathe...

I didn't know this was gonna come up. All I got was a vague feeling there could be a problem. A very vague feeling. Why can't these stupid instincts work when I really need them?!

Just some more rant

Smoking to keep myself awake for an interesting conversation online. My words know no end, I think that conversation can go on all night. But I wouldn't mind, though I am getting kinda tired. Pills. Pills raging in my blood stream, trying their best to make me fall asleep. Oh no, you don't. I'm getting random again, the words entangle and I forget what I meant with what I said. Now I'm rocking myself too, and it's hard to keep my eyes open. I really need to go to bed soon.

I think maybe I'm enjoying my last day of excessive smoking today. Just can't stop smoking, even now my throat is numb and the taste clings to my gum. I wanna play some WoW before I go to bed, but no, cause guess what, it's Wednesday again. That damn weekly maintenance. If I wasn't too tired to look straight ahead, I would probably be mad. But now I'm not.

I'm gonna go for a third bleaching on Saturday, is my plan. One more hair wash before and it will be one and a half week. I just wanna do it before the day I go to Stockholm. Maybe I will look a little blonder.

Distant

David Bowie's voice caresses my soul. I didn't know it needed to be caressed. The day turns to night and I realise the world outside is getting further away from me the every day. Every time I scroll past a piece of news online, every time my mind wanders to the depths of my thoughts and I forget that it's snow under my feet.

But do I want it to go away, or did I just forget how to care? The world at large holds no interest to me. What happens nation wide, about politics, the nature or welfare. Birds fly past me, sunsets glow in my shadow, far behind me. The real world but a distant photograph, buried in the past.

I live in a bubble completely secluded, away from the society. Even when I'm present with another human being, I'm not really there. If I find what's been spoken about in a conversation to be boring I just stop listen. Only answer vaguely if I'm asked a direct question about something I find uninteresting. It might even be interesting, and I still disappear into my thoughts. It's like I find my own mind more fascinating than the world outside of it.

I think it's this lovesickness, it has made me change. Because I shut out the whole world, lie to everyone to keep them at a distance, everyone but him. I've locked myself in this bubble where no one is allowed in, except him. It's like there's no space left for anyone else.

I've always known that for every time I fall in love, the next time will be stronger and more intense. But I could never even imagine it would get quite like this. I have gotten tunnel vision, and I have a sensation that much will get lost if I can't stop it before it's too late. Relationships will fall apart, contacts will be broken off, friendships will end, trusts will be broken.

I know I say that I don't want to be around anyone right now, but I'm clearly insane and not myself these days. Obsessive love for eight months is starting to take its toll. On my emotional life, my social life, in private and in public. Being so obsessed with only one person on the whole god damned planet has seriously fucked me up. Don't get me wrong, I was certainly fucked up since long before that, just that this is something else.

There's why reason people compare love to insanity, and as an insane person deeply in love... well, you get the math. But when I say I'm not myself, I don't even know who me is. Yet again, I can't look further than to my own nose. Only describe what's inside my head, I only know about that world.

Perhaps I'm not the only self absorbed liar trying to escape reality on this planet, but I just don't like what I've become. What love has made me become.

The waiting is over, soon

Still spending most of my time living in Azeroth, (my second home, haha) and today I finally reached revered reputation with the faction "The Order of the Cloud Serpent" and purchased the recipe for the Sapphire Panther for 150 gold. So now it's just the fun things left... farming for gold and materials. Maybe I'll head off to Northrend for a little while, and continue to make gems to sell at the auction house.

I'm writing a specific journal or what to call it for everything I accomplish in WoW now, starting from the 22nd this month. It's nice to see the progress.

I still haven't decided if I'm gonna take that surgery appointment the 4th, but it's leaning to a yes. My instincts say I should, but my logical mind says I shouldn't. Which to trust? Of course I should trust my instincts, they are always right. Always.

I've decided, I'm going. I just knew it in my heart that it's gonna happen in early February, I knew it from the beginning. Everything is gonna be alright, I just know it.

I just gonna call the hospital as soon as they are available to ask who that surgeon is now again, and then I'm gonna tell them that I accept their offer. Writing down a few questions that I need to ask. Damn, this is exciting! I don't worry all that much to be honest. Something just tells me it's gonna be fine, and I trust that feeling.

Those magic like feelings still appear all the time, and they are so real it's impossible not to believe. It's something in my gut, it is THE gut feeling that has just miraculously grown immense and it's almost constantly there. Whether it's about WoW, my lighter, what I'm gonna write on Tumblr, or huge events in my life like this surgery.

I've never had surgery before, never been sick. And now when I come to think of it, I haven't been cutting for a week or so, so I'm all healed up from the last time. This will be quite an experience, I can assure you. Wow, I'm a bit sweaty and nervous already. I don't think a shower will solve that problem, I think I'll be nervous for a whole week now. A good kind of nervous, filled with excitement and expectation. A glimpse of a dream come true.

I know I shouldn't jump into conclusions with too high expectations, but of course I still have some expectations, it's hard not to. Just lower them a nudge. I might need more surgeries after (that gut feeling of mine tells me it will be two altogether), or there might be complications. What do I know.

There is much that I don't know, but there are some things I just know without being able to know, you know? Sorry, that sentence was just too fun to change. Anyway, need to relax a little now as I wait for the secretary or whoever at the hospital to become available. I have about an hour.

Controlling energy

I just thought of something. Maybe only crazy people are given magical powers? So that no one will believe them. Cause that would just be so typical for this dimension. Yes, I do say there is real magic in this world, but it's rare and very well hidden to most people. I think maybe you have to be a bit crazy to believe in it. And how can you get magical powers if you don't believe in magic? You can't just get them cause you want them, you know.

Much lies beyond, in other dimensions or very far back or forward in time. Magic does too. It's almost like it's not supposed to be here where nature and human technology rules. But it slips through. Here it's not the kind of magic that I was used to back in Dala, but I do think that I brought with me some of the energies from my home place.

You see, I believe in the possibility that energy in its purest form can transfer between different dimensions that exist and co-exist in our universe. Like auras, I think mine is different from others because of where I come from. Not entirely different of course, and it's something that can never be proven or dis-proven. I just sense it, know it in my soul somehow. And I think that is why I can do the things I can do.

I don't think anyone would truly believe in magic unless they are the ones performing it. It's one thing to see someone else perform it, cause how can you tell if it's actually real? It's most likely an illusion, or a trick. But imagine that you hold that power. With will, instinct, spells or faith, you can change things that aren't supposed to be possible to change. Would you believe it then?

Honestly I don't know what to do with my powers. They're like this little hobby project that I can't really control. Gah, I wish there was a Hogwartz in reality! No kidding aside, it is fairly complicated and I don't think I even understand it most of the time. Still asking myself "how is this even possible?" like five times a day. Yeah, it's become that much lately. Small things, but still.

Most of it I can't really describe, it's more like instincts I guess, just that they magically work every single time. That I just know what will happen if I do a certain thing. Like I get this feeling that if I do something specific I guarantee that what I want for the moment will happen, and it does. But I can't control that feeling to "appear" whenever I want it to. It's always sudden and very strong, like I get a signal from somewhere, a command that I can choose to act upon if I want to.

And then the stuff about changing my appearance. It only works if it's something small, and over time. I can't make instant changes, but they will be permanent, I think. I've never tried to change it back. When I decide to change something, I have to concentrate a lot for a few minutes every day or so, and over the time of perhaps a week it changes. Maybe it's some sort of energy manipulation?

It's not like I see it right before my eyes, it's slow. Like a sun tan or something. Maybe I'll be able to make instant changes one day, but as I said, I don't have that much control over it yet. Patience, it truly is a virtue.