Release me

Finally, my new Promarker pens have come! So now all of those kind of pens that I have won't room in the plastic container that the first 13 I got came in. I solved that problem by emptying my make-up bag and using it for the pens instead. Fits perfectly. So now I can finally draw light skinned humans, blood elves, gnomes, dwarves and so on without leaving the skin completely white or using pink or orange which to be honest looks pretty awful. I have three pens for "normal" skin tones now: brown, some cola/beige-ish and ivory which is very light/pale.

The make-up ended up in a cardboard box, by the way. I rarely use it and if I need to bring some of it somewhere I can put it in another bag for that particular trip. And I don't even use all of my make-up.

It's like I've lost the ability to care about most things again. Like something is slipping away from me, but I don't know what it is. Something vague, like a flicker. When I was at my parents' place again for about a week up until today, I didn't eat for three or four days there. I wasn't offered food and there was nothing that I wanted to eat. I just didn't care. Deafened the hunger with coffee and cigarettes so that was all I had those days. Only three or four cups a day to keep me going and my stomach silent. It worked like a charm.

But I was tired, irritable and fragile all the time. Like a ticking bomb just waiting to explode at any second. Sometimes I did. Other times it just drowned me. Mixed with sadness and sorrow, guilt and fear. Fear that I had fucked up, fear of something I couldn't touch. Guilt, sorrow and sadness over the same something. It tore me apart a few times, thinking there had to be something I could do but couldn't figure out what that could be.

I watched "Angel", played WoW, drew WoW characters and tried to not think about what was tearing me apart, but I couldn't let go, and I still can't. There's only one thing that I care about and it's taking up so much space that I can't breathe. Can't do anything, I'm just locked up trying to function but failing miserably because I can't stand my own fucking feelings.

I'm torn between wanting to increase my medication massively and stop taking it altogether. I hate the mist, but I want to disappear in it. Call it emotional suicide or whatever, I just don't want to feel anymore. Anything at all. Yet... I want to notice the world around me, I don't want to depend on medication, I want to see what it's like to be me fully and completely without the mist that the pills give me.

But it's not the time for that. For now, I can't unleash the ghosts in my head and the pain in my soul, cause it would be like releasing a flood by removing the barricades. It would drown me and everything in its way.