Stay with me

I try to reach out but you're so far away. Figuratively and literally. All I want to do is let you know that I care about you so incredibly much you have no idea, that it pains me when you're in pain and that I'll always be there for you. That I promise to do the very best I can to make you feel better. If you take my hand I will never let you go. But you won't believe me if I told you, cause I don't think words would be enough.

I'm afraid I could lose you, that one day you won't be here anymore, the unspeakable isn't unthinkable. I would die if you leave. I'm scared and I shiver in this heat, but I'm calm somehow. Cause somewhere in my heart I don't think you would do it. You wouldn't leave your pet or the few friends you have that actually care about you, would you leave me? Here you have a person who is completely devoted to you, always listens and is there for you at all times. Even if you don't love me, even if anything, I won't let you go. You're the most amazing person I know and that is saying a lot.

I think you know that I care about you, somewhere in your heart, even though you don't say it. This isn't about me or my stupid feelings for you, it's about you that I cannot live without. You shouldn't have to suffer, my love. I want to be near you, but if you want me to stay away I will do so. But if you try to push me away cause you think I don't really like you, then I'll stay put and make sure you know the truth before I do anything else. You need someone who stays with you in your darkest hours and I want to be that someone, no matter how hard it would be. If you'd only let me.

I want to tell my best friend about this, how your suffering affects me so badly, I need for her to understand how hard this is for me. I'm tired of discussing it with my mother, tired of talking to her about anything important. I've heard her opinions a thousand times and I need my best friend in her place. But I don't know if it's okay for me to mention that to my best friend. I shouldn't jap my mouth about you, or your suffering. It's yours and I don't think you would want me to tell the whole world, or just one person.

But I can't deal with this alone. My shrink doesn't understand, when I walk out from her office after a session I just feel empty. Drained, tired and even more clueless. Perhaps it's a problem no one can do anything about, perhaps it's all on me. All I care about is you and your well being, so to the point that I sometimes forget about my own well being. And I can't reach out to you. I just write to you and then sit here and feel utterly helpless. This distance is killing me; I can't go to you, I can't look you in the eye and give you my promise, I can't take your hand and sqeeeze it lightly, I can't let you see my tears; and I just want to be there for you but I don't know how. You're pushing me away, but I can't stand back. I can't, I just can't.