I can't deal with this. Do you love me or not? "Maybe" isn't an answer to this question, you've gotta know and you've gotta tell me. Shit I'm crying. I wish too much, dream too intense, longing too deeply, love you unconditionally and hope too high. Where are my senses? Have I completely lost touch with reality? You don't love, and I believe it this time, but I just can't kill my hopes, can't kill my dream. So I'll let you do that for me instead. I don't think I can survive yet another heartbreak. I don't want to be mean, but if you reject me, you would kill me.
I will tell you, someday I will, but I don't know how or when. I will never dare to, but I just have to suck it up and do it anyway. With lethally fast heartbeats, sweat, tears and tremblings to the point of fainting. Maybe I would pass out, but I just need to get it over with. I'm gonna see my shrink again the 12th of August, and at that time I will tell her how opening myself up to you went. That is two weeks from now. Wish me luck?
I'll try to plan around it, figure out what to say, figure out how to not faint in the process of telling you. Drink water, focus on keep breathing and what not that I'll likely forget when it comes to the true moment of the scariest thing I can ever imagine doing. I would rather go bungy jumping, jump from an air plane with a parachute, get lost in an underground cave in total darkness, or kill my family. It is THAT scary, you can't possibly imagine. Of course I will faint and you would weirdly look at me as I fall into darkness when you reject me. Please hold me and tell me we can still be friends?
I'm trying to imagine the worst that can happen, what would be the most horrible reaction to me telling you that I'm in love with you? Would it be you not believing me, attacking me in some way, break down and cry, saying something incredibly mean to me that would make me regret it, or yelling at me to leave and never ever come back or talk to you again? I don't know. I think it's more likely that you will reject me than that you would tell me that you want to be with me too, or that you would be willing to just give it a try. Heck, I could even accept the answer that you're not ready for a relationship again and that you want to wait a little while.
Damn, I want to self harm so bad right now, and not just with alcohol. I want razor blades or scalpels or knives, something sharp and possibly deadly if not handled right. "Right" as in not cutting off arteries or half my leg/arm or where ever the fuck I want to carve myself up. Thighs seems like the best place because that's the only part of my body that I always cover up now since I've started walking around shirtless and only wearing knee long shorts and sandals. Even if I'm gonna go swimming bathing suit shorts would cover up my thighs too. Well, I'm gonna have to think about that before I start digging around in my apartment after sharp objects.
If you wonder what's happened, I'm sorry I can't say, but of course it involves K and it tore me up pretty badly, even though it's probably (hopefully) nothing.
"Kärlek är som en vässad kniv
i onda händer tar den liv
Du blev blek som döden när du förstod
att det mörka röda är hjärteblod"
My Swedish speaking readers will understand that quote and if you're reading this, my best friend, you will also know where it comes from. It speaks to me right now and I can't stop listening to that song. Well, translated it would be something like this (but mind you, I'm not that good at finding good translations): "Love is like a sharpened knife, in evil hands it's taking lives, you got pale as death when you understood, that the dark red is heart blood".
I haven't listened to that song for years, I've forgotten how good it is. Love is really about to take my life, you know. Especially as I'm getting more and more used to the fact that this won't turn out well for me. As usual. I'm used to being rejected. The only two times I was loved in that way was when I accepted the offer from two stalkers. Never ever has someone I liked started liking me in that way after. I don't think it's possible. Only crazy people could think they're in love with me. I'm not very loveable and especially not by the one person that matters to me the most fucking ever. Why would he ever look at me in that way? I'm not killing my hopes, my hopes are killing me.
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