I miss you, it hurts inside me cause I can't stand not being close to you. You leave marks, invisible but emotional ones. I wish there was something I could do about it. You're in my veins, you're under my skin. It's like I bring you everywhere I am yet you're never really with me. I think about it quite often, that what if you could see me right now, in almost every moment I exist in.
Everywhere I go, I carry that thought with me. What would you do or think if you could see me right now, or when I'm talking to you, when I play WoW or draw or go to the grocery store. Is that silly of me? I think a lot about telling you the truth, that I like you the way I do. I think about what you would answer. Sometimes it's a positive reply I come up with, sometimes negative and only sometimes it's a neutral answer that you give me in my mind. But it's just in my mind and it's never happened, not really. Maybe someday it will happen.
But I'm so afraid of your reaction to what I someday will have to tell you. One way or another and I dread it like hell. Still I need for you to know, I need to know if I've got a chance with you or not. This can't go on forever. I can't just sit here and wish and dream and hope for all eternity as you might end up with someone else along the way. Cause that would ruin so much. Shatter me. I'm so curious and so scared. I tried to tell you before. The opportunity was right but I just couldn't.
What if... something I just thought about recently, that what if you are/will be in love with me as well and none of use tell the other and we completely miss each other? That would be so devastating you can't imagine. Cause you are my reason to breathe, you're my fucking life force. My air, my blood, my reason to stay alive. Hoping for you is what keeps me going.
And I'm also scared that you would reject me for the sole reason that we live so far apart from each other. We could work that out, couldn't we? Just a little bit of planning, trying to make our travels back and forth as cheap as possible. You could stay at my place and I could stay at yours. It could be hard but definitely worth it. Cause you're worth every trouble in the world, you are my world. I just wish you feel the same. Or that if you don't, you could in the future. Preferably as soon as possible.
I'm needy and greedy, too frail to focus, too stubborn to let it go. I could never let you go. I wish you could see me right now (back to that thought). Me writing all of this about you while waiting for your replies on chat. Constantly checking and keeping my eyes open. Constantly aware of every single detail.
This day just went from good to bad to fantastic in a matter of heartbeats. Words, they do so much to me. Spoken or written, both can be quite intense. Though spoken words seem to have a slightly greater impact on me. Mainly if I can look the speaker in the eye and see their facial expression and such. And some things are even worth dying for. And by dying I mean living. But isn't it the same thing?
So what's up now? Sorry, but I can't really tell you. Just that K said something to me that really made my day. Our words just flowed tonight, as if we couldn't stop our thoughts and as if the conversation could go on forever. Or well, that's how I interpreted it. I'll just leave it at that for now.
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