I no longer think I might go anorexic. The sad truth, the horrible truth, is that I think I just wanted it. Why would I want such a hell? Well, I'm drawn to hells, in general. Drawn to horrible experiences, traumas, hard feelings, chaos and self destruction. I don't know why, it's just the way it is.
My mind wanders again. To hugging K, as usual. It's a common fantasy of mine. Those long, tight hugs you never want to release from, you know. If we ever end up hugging again, I hope I won't get too clingy. That has recently become a slight problem for me. Yes, I said "again" cause we have hugged already, twice. No, there are no words to describe how it was, except everything that rhymes with "wonderful". I'm so excited about meeting him again! So nervous already and since I don't know how many months ago. The longing just increases the closer we get to each other through chat. Damn.
My stomach does those little skips, you know. Like as if the butterflies are imbued with acid and they went crazy from it. Or like back-flips sort of. I can't stop thinking about when we're gonna meet and all I need to prepare for that. All the circumstances and planning. I don't want to say what it's about, so it's a bit hard for me being cryptic right now. A little tired, perhaps.
Still worried though, about where things could lead to when we meet. Don't know what I worry about the most though; if it's rejection or that nothing at all would happen cause I'm too damn shy and he could be completely clueless. That usually happens. I make advances and leave hints like leaves falling off a tree in the autumn but my interest ends up utterly surprised when they find out about my intentions.
I suck at flirting and that stuff just like most people, or at least I know I'm definitely not alone in this. I wish I was better at it, and I wish that it was easier for me to interpret other people's signals they're giving me. Is it friendship, love or are we just aquaintances? How should I know without a direct answer? I need for people to tell me, but I admit that that sometimes I tell them instead. Like "sure we're friends!" or "this isn't a relationship" or "we're not really friends, we hardly know each other".
That doesn't mean that I can tell where we stand, just that I clarify what it is I want and how I see that person from my own point of view. So, as far as I can tell when it comes to K, is that we are friends, no doubt about it; but I want more and I can't for the life of me figure out if he wants more too. Long distance relationship, or I could just pack my bags and head off to wherever he lives. It's all the same for me, but I'd prefer to be near him more often of course.
Just once a year, it's killing me. Violently, shaking me to pieces every single day, it's like I'm deprived from oxygen and I'm slowly dying. Hope. Only hope keeps me going. Without it I don't know what I would do. Without it I can't live. He is just as important to me as oxygen is for every living creature. I'm not exaggerating. Cause isn't that what love is? When your love for someone reaches a certain degree (yes, I do believe there are not just different kinds of love, but also different degrees of it; I've known that since when affection to another human being entered my mind in 2nd grade, even though it was too conditional to be called actual love) that certain someone can become your whole world, your life essence.
Today has been a good day, and I thrive in my love for him, sunlight, warmth and the smile on my face. I passed time playing computer games ther than and including WoW. Those free ones you can find of gametop.com really are something special. The graphic, the details, the stories behind every game at hand. And then I played with my old blood elf paladin in WoW as I realise that I have now "mastered" 5 different classes. Druid, hunter, priest, warlock and paladin - in that order. Next up is rouge, death knight or monk. I do so-so in those classes. I mean, I survive and got them past level 60, death knight past level 68.
Oh shit, I need to fix up my hair before I go to the main country. Re-bleach it and use white toner, stuff like that. It's just a little more than a week before I go. Yeesh how time flies, right?
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