I had a lot of wacky dreams last night. This many hours later I don't remember much of what I dreamed, but in one dream in particular I was dressing up as female and everyone said "she" about me, and I didn't mind. I liked it. Knowing that I'm still a guy, I started having doubts in that dream. It freaked me out a bit when I woke up.
And later when I played as a female character in WoW other people from the guild called me a girl and I didn't mind it. I really don't have any doubts of any kind, and I think this thing in WoW just means that I'm getting comfortable enough to not react negatively when I'm being misgendered when I actually appear as female.
Cause I would still get furious if someone misgendered me in real life. If I didn't do drag then. Perhaps. I've only done that one time in public and everyone were just confused then. They didn't know how to gender me, knowing my back story and all. I told them that for only that night they could gender me however they liked, it didn't matter. I suppose transvestitism is a bit rare among transguys. Doing everything we can to appear as male, it's a bit out of the ordinary to want to be seen as female every once in a while without it invalidating our male identity.
I've been tapping into the otherkin stuff again lately. My curiosity about the subject still remains. Although not as strong as before, I guess. I wish that some day people will become more accepting and understanding of it. Mostly just accepting. That one day when I tell someone they will know what it is and accept that I am that way, and likewise for others who are also otherkin around the world. There will always be strange subcultures evolving in the world, so why does it have to be so damn hard for people to admit that?
You don't have to believe me, and certainly not approve of it. Just accept that that is my belief, just like with any other sort of harmless beliefs that I may or may not have. It is harmless and it doesn't really change who I am or how I act around you. I'm not threatened by my otherkin identity, and it isn't a threat to you or anyone else.
Being otherkin does not have an impact on the people around me. Other than my belief in itself. It's like an explanation for things I've already been doing my entire life. It's a "common" misinterpretation that I would start acting out and being my kin self full time all of a sudden, that I would use it as an excuse to do stupid things, whatever those could be. Like, okay I'm a demonkin. Demons are usually evil in the eyes other people, so that could cause them to think that I think I'm evil. But I don't, and I'm not.
I don't know if it's a delusion. I'm back on the lower dosage of my antipsychotic drugs and my ghosts are slowly coming back to me again. I hear them whisper that I should stop taking all of my medications. They say I don't need the meds, that I can get closer to them then. I do want to get closer to the ghosts, they're interesting in a boring world and I want to hear their stories. I'm thinking of lowering the dosage of some of my medications by the time I get back home from my trip to the main country.
It would be catastrophic if I was to stop taking everything all of sudden and all at once, I need to scale down a bit first. See how it goes. I hate being dependent on drugs and I want to explore myself further without the mist making it hard to see clear. I want my old self back, and I've been hooked on various drugs for almost nine years now. I've almost forgotten what it was like without them, before almost everything, in junior high.
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