The worst that could happen

I sold my soul to the devil for his love, he can't not love. I swear I'll stop being a Satanist if that is so, because then it was all just a sham. But maybe I would need Satan more than ever if he rejects me. I've been thinking about that too. I've been thinking about a lot of things, but it's never enough.

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I fall apart, rise up again and fall apart even harder the next time and so on. It's so painful and I'm tired of fighting. I can't even deal with seeing other people in love, couples, or even just hearing people talking about it. It hurts too damn much and I hate it. Whenever there are people kissing I have to look away, but it still stings like I'm being stabbed.

Why am I feeling this way? Why am I always such a fool for love, why can't I ever get to be happy if I'm able to fall so hard for someone? What is it all good for, or is it just meant to hurt me? I give and give and give but there's nothing for me to take. I know what it's like to love someone so much that it hurts just to breathe, that they mean the whole world and beyond it to me, that it doesn't matter what they do think or say I'll still love them unconditionally, I know what it's like when love devours you completely and you're so lost in it you don't know how to act or think straight. I know it like the back of my hand but what do I get in return? Nothing.

Absolutely nothing except maybe a pat on the back and a wish of good luck next time. Yeah, right. There won't be a next time, I'll make fucking sure of it. Cause no matter how happy I am, I can't live with this heart of mine. I wanna tear it out of my chest and smash it into something unrecognisable before I end my own life. Cause if this doesn't go well, I'm done, I'm so fucking done. I know I talk about this a lot, but I just want to make sure that you understand the huge risk it means for me to tell K what I feel for him. I will jump off and either I'd fall or fly. There is no in between, there is no third option. He makes my life worth living, what would I be without him? Do you understand how dangerous that is?

Maybe, if I would survive it somehow... I don't know, cause I think that would be worse than death. I'd lock myself up somewhere, far from anyone I know, in complete solitude. Screw my family, screw my friends and screw LSS. To never be near another human being ever again. That, or I'll just stop feeling anything entirely. Become a shell. Because it's too scary for me to think about jumping off a building, because I don't want to do it. I'm not suicidal, I'm just trying to figure out a way to deal with the worst that could happen. I love him so, so, so much that I can't accept that I won't ever be able to be with him. I just can't.