Sexuality shift

A fair warning ahead: this gets kinda sexual cause my brain just... yeah, it's hopeless. Still got quite high sex drive these days! It's just hiding a little more.

I've started to notice more of a shift in my sexuality recently. I'm almost exclusively fantasising and thinking about women. It's my number one go to. Those fantasies are totally sweet, loving, sexy, intensely sexy... A good lesbian fantasy makes me cum so much harder than a good straight one. I wonder if I'm just in a period of being more attracted to women than ever before, or if I might actually have a preference for the same sex. I don't know, cause I've been in denial for so long. That finally letting those feelings blossom freely, might be leading to them showing me their true colours. My true preference.

Or maybe I'm just hoping I actually prefer women cause I don't wanna date men again anytime soon. That is totally possible too. And that decision might be causing me to kinda subconsciously choosing to prefer women, in a sense. That I just focus my fantasies on them and get uninterested whenever a guy pops up in my mind instead. Like nah, don't want that guy there!

Also another interesting thing about my sexuality that I've also kinda recently discovered... which I think is kinda awesome... It's very likely I'd be versitile with women. Meaning, I'd like to top as well as bottom. Or at the very least I really want to try topping another woman. Like take charge a little bit, giving, pleasing, and fucking her with a strap-on. Cause I think I'd really like that, as a woman myself. Cause when I stopped thinking of myself as a man, then topping as a concept became kinda... not so scary anymore? And with another woman, I feel there wouldn't be as much of an unequal power dynamic going on. I still would not want to top a man though. Cause there's an unequal power dynamic just cause of being different sexes. Or genders, or actually both.

I think for me to feel "equal" genderwise in a sexual relationship I'd have to be of both the same sex and same gender as my partner. As in, before as a trans man cis men were the same gender (how I saw it back then) but not the same sex, and vice versa with women they were same sex but not the same gender, which both made me feel it was unequal and therefore I couldn't stand the idea of me being in any sort of "leading" role sexually. That with women it would have been "too much power" on me as I saw it, and with men it would have just been weird and awkward, like as if I'd be pegging him. Well technically that's what it would have been.

Call me old fashioned if you wish but women being dominant over men, and sexually penetrating them, creeps me the fuck out. And that's what I saw in my own, slightly transphobic head when I thought of myself topping a guy. It creeped me out. But of course I have nothing against other people, other couples, being into that. It does have a cuteness factor to it when I take myself out of that picture. So it's totally fine when others do it, but not if it would be me. Just noooo way. It's such a turn off! The concept fascinates me, cause it's so unconventional, and maybe I want to be into it, but I'm just not, so yeah.

But with women it's different. Probably cause it's much more socially accepted for women to like being sexually penetrated in general, while for men it's still very taboo and considered gay. Even when it's a straight guy who only likes it with women! But even so, my feelings tell me I really don't see how it should matter which one penetrates who in gay relationships, whether male+male or female+female. Like if I'd date a woman who's much taller, bigger, stronger and more masculine than me... I'd still wanna fuck her! Same if she was much smaller, shorter, more feminine and dainty. Cause none of that stuff matters. It doesn't matter for which role you take on in bed. But yeah also cause pussies are much easier to fuck than asses. They're cleaner, more open, wetter... unf, sorry got distracted! And yes, I think pussies are way sexier than buttholes. So I'd much rather penetrate someone's pussy, although I wouldn't at all be against playing with a sexy woman's anus if she wanted that. I totally like ass too, it's not that. They're just... a little messier. But I'm not that squeemish... I'd totally love sticking my tongue into someone else's ass. Just saying.

But just... how could it not make me crazy turned on just thinking about lying on top op of a sexy woman and feel her entire body against mine, naked and horny for me, wrapping her arms and legs around me and really enjoying me fucking her? Myeah, I'm feeling my pussy responding very eagerly to that! And my hips... Fuck I'm gonna need to do something about that reaction! It got a little intense. Also I'm super tired so can't stay awake much longer anyhow. So I'll go fuck myself to sleep with that amazingly hot fantasy, I think. This entry got more sexual than I had intented, but what did I expect, huh? Oh well!