My bisexuality, and sexual mindfulness

I wrote the majority of this text yesterday, and intended to post it before i went to bed, but the power went out so I was unable to. The power was out from 9pm to 12am (midnight) by which time I had already gone to bed cause I had gotten bored with solving cross-word puzzles in candle light. However, the power must have gone out on the entire island, cause even the street lights went out. That made the night very, very dark. I went out for cigarettes 3 times during that intense darkness, with just my cell phone as a light source. And looked up at the sky... the most amazing black sky riddled with beautiful stars! And I saw two falling stars! I tried to take a picture of it, but the stars didn't show up on the camera at all. But damn it was pretty.

Anyhow, let's move on to the actual entry. But first a warning: this contains sexual content, especially in the last third, and may cause (un)wanted arousal. The topics are: first 2/3 is about my bisexuality and last 1/3 is about my sexual healing with masturbation.

Alright, yesterday I applied to join a few bisexual groups on facebook. One's a humour group about "bi culture", one's a support group that allows all LGBT people to join and is very trans-inclusive (but the vast majority seems to be bi cis), and one's a group only for bi and lesbian women over 18 but I'm unsure of its exact purpose. I've now been accepted into the first two of those three groups, but no notification yet from the last one. Okay I looked it up again and it appears my request to join must have been denied? Cause it doesn't say "request pending" anymore, it just says "join group". It doesn't say in the description or the rules that it only only allows Americans to join, but considering they asked where I'm from in the "questions to join" and I said Sweden, the only reason I can think of is that I was denied for my location. Or that they might have been suspicious of either my gender, age, sexuality, or my reasons for wanting to join. Or denied me because of personal info about me on my profile, such as my political- and/or religious stance. It's iffy, but yeah whatever.

I dreamed about my bisexuality this night. I don't remember the details of the dream but I remember the feelings from it. That I was ashamed, scared, worried, embarrassed, confused, and felt judged. Since joining and looking into the bisexual support fb group, I did notice there are quite many there who struggle with denial and accepting their sexuality. Someone even made a post about having been in denial about it for most of his life cause of childhood trauma and dissociation, and that it took a lot of extensive therapy for him to finally come to terms with it and accept it. And there was an entire thread where several bi women expressed insecurity and shame for not having been with women yet despite being "old". The majority of them are at my age, around 30. Some even younger.

I want to write a story, fiction, that includes female bisexuality somehow. Maybe also detransition. Possibly wanna include a trans woman somewhere as well. If it's gonna centre around someone detransing, I think it would make sense that person has a lot of trans friends and/or connections to the trans community. However if they're a detransing woman, would be more likely that character has trans men friends rather than trans women friends, but could of course have both. Maybe I'd also wanna include DID stuff. Yes, and trauma. But I've no ideas for an actual plot.

In movies etc about DID I do recognise myself in what it's like having an alter, in living with the long term effects of trauma, in having a very "split" or fragmented sense of self, in not recognising yourself even when you look into a mirror, etc. Severe dissociation can do that by the way, and I've always felt like I'm looking at a stranger in the mirror, regardless of which gender it shows me as. It's not about the gender. Like obviously I recognise the face and know it's mine, but I feel a very strong emotional detachment to it, that makes it feel and look "unreal" like "I don't actually look like this but I've no idea why or how". And yeah, having transitioned with testo has massively increased that detachment. I always feel like a "who are you? I don't know this face" every time I look in a mirror or look at a picture of myself. I recognise it, but I do not recognise it as mine. It's not a panicky or scared disconnect, it's a calm confusion. It doesn't spark fear, and quite often it actually is a kinda good feeling that I can very easily emotionally reject my own face as my own by just... kinda agree with the dissociation and letting it do its thing. It allows me to not deal with how I actually feel about it.

Actually, when I first thought of writing my story about Malik and Tarsem, the "Suburban night watchers" story, it sprouted from just one sentence. I was out for a cigarette some evening a few weeks before I started writing it, when I suddenly thought to myself: "I wanna write a story about a guy who falls in love with a rapist" and that was my first idea that eventually led to that entire story and those characters.

But back to my bisexuality cause that's what I really wanna write about. I don't think I have at any point previously. Or, at least not in depth. I think about my bisexuality and inevitably it leads me to all of my intimate/flirting experiences with woman. There has been a few, but none of them led very far. They all feel to me like "failed attempts" at connecting and getting something good out of it. I don't think I had high demands on any of the women I tried to connect with, but I wanted sex and often got the hint or even the promise, that it was gonna happen, but then it never did and so... yeah, that disappointed me. But even more so, their deceptiveness and playing with my feelings bothers me more. That, I think, has probably a lot to do with my reluctance and discomfort with pursuing dating women. Cause I have tried, and it not go well.

My first kinda gay experience was when I was 17 and the guy classmate I was having my first few straight sexual experiences with at the time, who knew I was bi, asked me one day if I would be interested in a threesome with him and a female friend of his. She was 16, kinda cute and kinda hot but not like extremely so. Blonde, a bit overweight but not really fat. She had beautiful curves, but I don't remember what her face looked like anymore. I didn't feel much for her at first, but when her clothes came off I was definitely attracted. I've forgotten her name. He had invited her over when I stayed at his place one day. It didn't become much of a threesome, cause I was barely even included. I was still uncertain of giving up my virginity to him and still at that point I said "no" to him penetrating me, which he accepted despondently and went ahead to fuck her instead while I watched them. She let me kiss her and touch her breasts, and I kissed him a bit too, but ultimately it was them having sex and I was just there.

But I really did enjoy kissing her and touching her boobs. I think I kissed her nipples too. Like they were just soooo soft and incredibly sexy, I was in total awe. It was the first time I had ever felt another girl's breasts. They were large, maybe DD- or even E-cups. But she was uninterested and it eventually started to feel like she just let me do that to "give a show" for him, so when I started noticing her disinterest, it put me off. She didn't touch me at all and she barely responded to my kisses. At first I didn't know if she was just shy and nervous, but then I figured out that she wasn't there for me at all... and I felt, yeah, really fucking rejected and unwanted. Like I had expected that she agreeing to a threesome meant she wanted at least some intimacy with me, but that was clearly not her intentions. I don't think I was acting rapey at all, I mean come on I was 17 and truly thought she wanted my touch, and as soon as I noticed she wasn't into it, I stopped. I don't know if she was even into women at all, but I got the impression that she was not. But of course it's possible that she was just not into me. Either way, that "threesome" was a total flop.

Then in my early 20's, meaning the entire span of ages 20-23-ish, I did end up making out with a few women at parties, but they too, were never actually interested. Like it was just them being drunk straight women who thought it was exciting to kiss other women at parties and touch each others' tits, but they could never do pussy. I was out as a trans guy at that point, but I didn't exactly pass (my voice always revealed I was female) and I always told everyone that I had a female body, simply because I wanted sex. So they did reject me because they were not into women, even though I was living as a guy.

Then I met her, the woman who ended up in a relationship with one of my crushes at the time whom I had a vaguely sexual relationship with at parties. We three agreed that we were all allowed to kiss each other and make out, but nothing directly sexual. But then one day I ended up going on an Åland cruise with them and another mutual friends of ours. And when we got back to Uppsala after that cruise, I ended up agreeing with the couple to have a threesome with them. Apparently I had not learned from my previous threesome flop mistakes, and this second one became much the same. Before we went to bed she said that she thought I had already fully transitioned, to which I didn't really know what to say cause I had never said anything such and thought she knew, and it caught me off guard but I said something like "no... I'm barely even on testosterone..." either way, I was honest with her. She was disappointed by that but still seemed to want me in bed with her and her boyfriend. I tried to shake it off, but from then on I knew I could just throw all of my expectations and wishes in the trash.

And well. They had sex with each other while I lied next to them, but they were both keen on not showing their private parts to me. I displayed myself fully. Of course I respected their choice but it felt very unequal and like we should have discussed the "rules" first. I kissed him and touched his chest a bit, and I kissed her too. But that was it. I asked them if I was allowed to do any actual touching and they said very hesitantly "no" while really beating around the bush about it but I wasn't stupid so I took the hint with the sugar-coating and kept my hands to myself. She had told me at some point much earlier that she was bi too. But that was the biggest god damn lie ever. An actually bi woman would not be disappointed to know someone she's clearly attracted to has a female body, and show such clear disinterest in any sort of female on female intimacy. I knew it wasn't just her not being specifically into me all of a sudden, she lost interest because of me having female parts. So I'm promptly revoking her "bi card". At least her boyfriend was openly honest about being straight and confused about his attraction to me as a trans guy at the time. And for that, I respect him much more. But oh well. So that "threesome" was another total flop.

And sometime after that I started feeling an internal anger towards women who literally fooled me to think they were into me when they were actually straight women who didn't wanna go near my pussy or have their pussies anywhere near me. I felt duped and used. Like they just "used" my bisexuality to get some "gay experience" like it was just some sort of game for them. And I categorise these kind of women as a term I've only rarely heard used by others: "bistraightuals." Meaning straight people pretending to be bisexual. They're usually women wanting male attention by kissing girls but sometimes I think it's really just them thinking it's harmless party fun. How they're different from "bicurious" women is that these particular women KNOW they're not into women, but give a very deceptive perception of that they are.

Bistraightual men seem to be far more rare, but I've met a few of them too. They're the ones who've pretended to be into men out of courtesy when they've been attracted to me (as a trans guy), to then later on come clean and admit they're actually only into women. I've been upset by the male bistraightuals as well, but not so much cause ultimately they were attracted to me and lied with good intentions, but the female bistraightuals have really upset me with their god damn lies and games. Maybe I'm a total party pooper, but that's just assholery, really. If straight women wanna do that with each other cause it may be a quick way to get dick, I've got no problem with it, but for fuck's sake don't play games with actually bi and lesbian women's feelings.

It's almost bordering to being homophobic, or at least very insensitive to people with a same sex attraction. It almost implies that these sort of people view homo- and bisexuality as a "lifestyle" or a fashion statement. But really, just don't tell and show people that you're "very sexually interested" in them, to then ten minutes later slither away with a "oh I'm not even into your bio sex at all, it was just for fun, no hard feelings" cause I swear to Satan... that's the kinda thing that makes it harder for me to trust people, and it's what makes me lose hope in humanity.

And so I think my such experiences have made me kinda wary of women's intentions when they show sexual interest in me. I always take a step back, look them up and down to try to see if they're actually honest, and ask: are you REALLY into me? And that too makes me insecure about trying to date women. Cause I've literally had several experiences of women outright PRETENDING to be into me, and that just hurts. I really don't wanna end up with more deceptive bistraightuals on my hands. Been there, done that. Had enough of it!

But I also have to, although I know it's not entirely nice, but for the sake of my conflicted feelings, count in Y to my gay experiences. Not denying his male-aligned gender or his wish to be seen as male, but I cannot look beyond his biological reality being the same as mine. At the time I felt bad that I felt our relationship was gay, in a totally politically incorrent way. I felt that it was the gayest relationship I had ever been in thus far, both because our genders were the same (as I saw it and felt back then) and because our bio sex was the same as well. It felt double-gay in a sense that I thought he never would have wanted for me to highlight. I felt like my feelings were being transphobic, plain and simple. But I got a relief from that feeling cause for once I could actually think of a situation I was in as 100% gay and not both straight and gay at the same time.

And I always thought that the sex I had with him was kind of lesbian. I struggled with that feeling in me, and I felt like I could not express it or discuss it with him. I felt like that would have been important. As it had a lot to do with both my internalised lesbophobia and how I viewed both him and myself. And me hiding that feeling from him caused even more tension within me. Like I blamed myself for feeling that way, yet I couldn't change it. I loved him for who he was, both his mind and his body. But I also knew, that I likely would not have been sexually attracted to his body if I had not been into women. That chafed. That I loved his body as I would have loved a woman's body, but I loved his mind as I would have loved a man's mind. I saw both and loved both, but for different reasons. I felt like it would have been very dysphoria-inducing for him if I had told him that, and it felt like my feelings were wrong.

But I think that now, a little less harsh on myself, I can't say that sex with Y wasn't at least female on female sex, even though it was not woman on woman sex. I can't look beyond a female physical reality and truly think of it as male, but I can absolutely love and appreciate a female physical reality and treat it as though it is male. But I also think that the reason why I can do that latter thing, is because I am bisexual and therefore appreciate and have the capacity to love both female and male bodies, while also being able to love both female and male minds, separately and together. Which combination of either mind+body or physical traits, does not matter for my ability to love and be sexually attracted. But what my feelings tell me is that regardless of his body I still saw his mind as male, but also that regardless of his mind I still saw his body as female.

So thus, my feelings viewed my relationship with him as gay, as in between two guys loving each other, but the sex we had as gay, as in between two females. And I still feel the same way about that. However I wasn't truly male-gendered so maybe in restospect the relationship was kinda straight, but then it gets actually complicated and I don't have the energy or wish to get into that can of worms right now, so let's just leave it at that.

But I digress. I meant to only briefly bring up my stance on trans people in regards to my bisexuality, in the meaning that it is my belief that my attraction to both mtf's and ftm's is largely because of my bisexuality. I don't see it as that I'm in any way sexually attracted to neurological gender, I'm only sexually attracted to bodies. But of course I am romantically attracted to people's minds which does include how they perceive their gender. But, the way I see my sexual orientation is that I'm biSEXual, as in I have a sexual attraction to people of both sexes, not both genders. Although it includes both genders. Theoretically it includes anything anyone would want to call a gender, cause it doesn't change how or if I'm attracted to their bodies.

So I'm kinda trying to say that I view sex with anyone with a female equipment as lesbian sex but still view trans men as men and if I'd be in a relationship with one (again) I'd regard that connection as straight, as I'm a woman and he'd be a man. Because I view my sexual orientation as being towards sex and not gender and the way I simply feel about my actual sexual experiences is what's happening with the genitals. If I somehow need to explain why I'm so focused on genitals when it comes to sex: because that's literally what's being used during the act. And because sex is largely a very physical experience for me. Touch and sight are probably the senses I'm the most keen on when I'm fucking. So then if I see a dick, and feel a dick then I'm gonna zoom the fuck in on that male organ and probably forget about the rest of the person. It's not personal. Literally. It's me getting very unpersonal and I'm objectifying cis and trans and male and female people just as extremely much and equally when I'm at it.

But yeah, I just don't intend to be transphobic but if my sexuality somehow is... well, I can't help it. Hot take, but maybe the actual problem here is not how I view men and women in regards to my sexuality, but rather dysphoric people sometimes being so fucking cranky that their expectations on cis people frankly have gotten unreasonable. Like they should then get a fucking grip on themselves and stop letting their dysphoria get out on cis people cause we "don't love you the right way". We're trying. This is really just the best thing I could do about it in regards to trans people, to separate sex and gender but I still have to acknowledge and respect that my own sexuality is towards sex, not gender.

I just wanted to get a better overview on how I see my attraction going to both sexes and why I have to count my experiences with Y as "lesbian" even though I know that's wildly problematic. That I see it that way simply because I differentiate bio sex from gender. My intent is NOT to be hurtful to him or trans men in general, or to trans women cause this applies to them as well, but that I also don't think I should have to apologise for something I simply cannot change about myself when I'm trying to be as kind about it as possible.

But I think that's all I can think of in terms of my bisexuality right now, at least without going all the way down into the dissociation stuff and internalised misogyny and internalised lesbophobia and that mess. I can't really reach it right now, but I think at least what I described about the "bistraightuals" explains quite a lot of my distrust in women for dating.

But now to something completely different and far more positive and uplifting.

I just masturbated and tried something that I've never done before: fingered myself. The experience was more than just amazing, okay it felt like I was orgasming before I was even orgasming. The buildup was super intensely pleasurable and long-lasting. That I could feel my own contractions and the wet softness inside, my body's positive response sucking my fingers into myself yearning for my own touch, that I enjoyed both the touch and the act of touching hightened my pleasure in a circular, ever ramping up pattern of pleasure causing pleasure until I exploded in an amazing, wild orgasm that had me moaning and gasping and spasming uncontrollably.

And it taught me that no matter how awful I once felt about my pussy, no matter how intensely I've once hated it, no matter how thoroughly disgusted and upset I've been by its existence... I now love it unconditionally and I love loving it and giving it the most intensely loving experiences I possibly can. This is not just masturbation; it is ultimately, making love to myself. This is relishing in the inexplicably intense satisfaction and relief of a nearly lifelong wound that has now completely healed and shows no signs of even the slightest scarring. I'm at the brink of tears for how absolutely beautiful this feeling is. It feels more beautiful than any love that any other person could possibly give me. I can with complete honesty and love in my heart say that my pussy is beautiful, it is sexy and a truly amazing part of my body that I am more than just grateful for having been blessed with. I adore it. I do not think that people who've never hated their pussies could ever experience this kind of love for their pussies. And I also think that this is not just a normal experience of being cis.

It catches me thinking, in the pause of a breath, that this love... is literally because of my trauma, the pain of my past dysphoria, my mistake of transitioning and the agony of regretting it. Without all that pain, I would never have come to find and experience this love from my own caress. It tears at me, as though it's pulling me in two opposing directions. I still struggle to forgive myself for the pain I've put myself through due to denial and not listening to myself, but I can appreciate, at least partially, that pleasure that grows from pain is really exquisite and extra sweet. Give me time to forgive me for my pain, and I'm sure I'll come to appreciate it too.

But in this sense, I really do believe that I've healed a huge wound that was connected to my trauma, by jerking off. But it wasn't the masturbation itself, it was how I went about it. It was my mindset, my goals, my methods, my patience. It was that through masturbation that I learned to truly listen to my body and not reject its signals. That journey started when I began exploring anal about a year and a half ago, because I for the first time started paying utmost attention to every slightest sensation I got from my exploration, and the result I got was not just very nice orgasms, but a new, very fulfilling pleasure that was much more psychological than physical. With that, I noticed a connection between my mind and the sexual parts of my body that I wasn't really aware of before.

It might sound silly, but for several months I used buttplugs as a comfort blanket. Because me using them somehow tapped into a psychological nerve or something, it let me reach a state of relaxation and comfort that was not even sexual but much more like meditation. It soothed me to my core. But I became addicted to it and eventually I wore a plug in nearly 24/7 and only took a couple of hours break from it per week. Eventually it made my ass too sore and I had to take a longer break of several weeks. The way my mind reacted to stopping the use of plugs was intensely negative. It felt like my mind was craving a drug. My ass got better eventually, but I could never reach that feeling of inner peace from anything anal again, and I do mourn the loss of that feeling. But it did show me a possibility I never thought could exist: perfect alignment between my body and mind. It literally, temporarily removed my dissociative fog.

And it hits me now that's what I've been trying to achieve. To disperse the constant mist of dissociation and truly connect to myself. It also hits me, that it might actually quite possibly have been this meditative sexual exploration, starting already over a year ago, that was my very first hint of a step towards my detransition. In the sense that it let me start dispersing my dissociative mist, wich might likely have revealed previously hidden feelings that I have about my body and gender. Feelings that I had dissociated away from, that I then, kinda accidentally, brought up to the surface.

Then about a year after my anal adventures, I approached the same principle with my vag. But much more and more in depth. Pun not intended... Cause not only did I listen to my body's signals about the physical sensations, I also listened to my subconscious mind's signals of what it wanted in regards to my plans on srs and whether to keep the vag or not. That was my goal, to masturbate myself to a decision, but I had a very meditative, self-reflective and therapeutic perspective to my prodding. And that I had my mind fully in on it, as in a total awareness sort of thing, while exploring myself physically, it became a full-body, full-mind and both combined experience that, to my belief, completely healed my emotional wound.

Perhaps I do keep "medicating" it by keeping up with these experiences of sexual mindfulness. But I mean I really don't mind doing that! And I'd love to keep at it with the hands on self love for the rest of my life. For as long as I can physically do it, I will. Even as an old lady I'll still grab my own pussy as much and often as I want to.

I could never before willingly stick my fingers in there, let alone keep them in there. Cause it just grossed me out so bad, and it made my dysphoric feelings completely hit the roof. To even go anywhere near that hole with my hands made me feel really anxious and distressed. I couldn't even stand accidentally getting the wetness on my clit. And pre-transition I didn't even know that fingering myself was something that I could do. It hadn't struck my mind, and no one talked about it or did it on me back then. But I think I wouldn't have wanted to even if I had known about that being possible to do. I did, all the way up to until this year, feel like my genitals were "unclean" even when they were newly washed. It was a mental feeling of being tainted for simply having a pussy. I kinda thought of that area on my body as some kind of nasty swamp that just couldn't even get clean. When masturbating before, I did avoid direct contact with my hands/fingers there as much as possible. Like by using a vibe and/or dildo and not putting my hands directly on things there.

So, for me to now, for the first time ever, just reach in and feel around... and so fully enjoying it with no negative feelings of grossness at all... that was huge. And yep, of course I'll do it again!