I have to admit I'm in a sexual low now where I just can't get into that mood. For masturbation, yes, but not for sex with other people. I know why, but it's something I can't do anything about and it's frustrating me like fuck. It's because I can't fuck without boobs. I just feel so much that I need a pair of those on my chest to be able to enjoy sex with other people. Or rather, the fact that I don't have any boobs makes me too upset to even contemplate having sex with anyone. I'm trying to think like "but can't I just keep my bra on or something?" but it doesn't work. I tried that once but I just wanted for him to touch my chest... the boobs that weren't there. It hurt even more than being bare-chested. Masturbation works cause well I'm addicted for starters, but also cause in fantasy I can have boobs.
I hate it for every time I have to dig into this pain and admit it's fucking with me. On multiple levels. Sex while having a flat chest only worked before I detransed because I had not yet acknowledged these feelings and they were kept hidden deep in my mind where they couldn't bother me. Now that I've brought them up to the surface, they won't rest and I can't ignore them anymore. And it worked those two times after detransing cause those feelings hadn't yet shown me their true, ugly face, and I still managed to suppress them somewhat, by holding on to how it used to be before. But now I can't anymore.
I think that time has passed and my old methods are useless now. I think now the only way I could possibly make it work again before breast reconstruction, would be if I could find other strategies, to cope with this new dysphoria that has surfaced to stay. I don't even know what methods though, if wearing a bra doesn't work at all. I'd absolutely hate it if this shit forces me into yet another period of unwanted abstinence... well it's been a couple of months of it already and I've just kept trying to ignore my feelings, and work around them somehow, but no matter what I try I can't. Just can't make myself see anyone for sex. But I need and want sex... fuck this stings.
Cause I just embraced being bisexual and am finally trying to date other women for the first time ever... and now this?! No. Just no! I won't accept that. I just won't. It could be years until I can get that surgery... I need to think of something I can do to help coping in sexual situations until then. I wonder.... if I was with someone I could feel safer with and maybe even trust to some degree. Maybe that could make me feel good enough about my chest to enjoy sex and find that mood for it again. Could I really aim to get a girlfriend on that sort of premise though? And am I even ready for another relationship? Oh god, it would be so hard... but it might actually be worth it. I can't deal with dating men now, and uh, call me bigoted if you want to, but I think I only want to date cis women now. Bi or lesbian doesn't matter to me though.
And no, I would not feel great about possibly having to ditch a trans women for that reason alone... but FUCK I need a damn break from anything and everything trans in my dating life, especially for long term stuff. It would be too strenuous now and this detransing sucks the everloving life-force out of me. The last thing I need is a living breathing trigger of a girlfriend. Yeah I hate using the word "triggers/triggered" in terms of social stuff, but that's also something I have to admit. That I'm almost constantly actually getting triggered by trans people's transitions now, both ftm and mtf, because of my detransing.
I just cannot handle seeing or hearing about people wanting to change their bodies that way, or having changed them already. It gets my heart in a knot. Each to their own and all of that, but for myself, I need to take a distance from that stuff. I don't know how though. I don't want to stop talking to my trans friends who can't stop talking about their transitions or wanting to transition but at the same time I've also become so incredibly biased that I can't even possibly be encouraging of them doing that. I get silent or say something else instead, or keep it as brief as I possibly can and then feel like crap about it cause it got into my heart. I'm sorry but I'm in too much pain, cause transitioning is literally what caused that pain for me. And then getting myself triggered by it like that over and over and over again and again... it's not good. It feels like scratching open the same wound over and over, preventing it from healing. It needs to heal before I can scratch that area again. I need to say stop and take a step back, but even that I don't know how to.
So yeah, in dating I really need space from that stuff. Especially in dating. Cause nothing is as intimate and up-close as that. Also considering my most recent ex was Y, so that's a rather fresh scar as well. I think I really, really want to connect and build a beautiful relationship with woman who doesn't have any history of transitioning and isn't struggling with anything trans now, who's confident about her body and gender. Whom I could just curl up close to and hold softly tightly with my entire body and feel comforted by her warmth and calmness, without worrying about accidentally triggering some god damn random dysphoria that I was not aware of. And to explore her unaltered, natural body that's beautiful and sexy just the way it is... cover it with my kisses, every inch. And she'd not be insecure about showing me her every inch and let me close enough to touch, kiss and love all of her. And only then, I think I could do the same and feel good about it. No fuck, I think I'd feel absolutely amazing about it.
I need the influences of a woman like that... and then just hope I'll have something good I could give her too. I mean, except from my love, care, passion, kindness, charm and teasing. Perhaps I need to find someone who really needs those things as much as she can give me what I need. Well, wish me good luck with that, I guess... But a confident cis woman who's not intimidated by me, would be a good start, I think. Then take it from there.
I think maybe if I was loved like that, and treated gently, I could both enjoy sex intensely with her and my own arousal, as well as feel much less worried about being "bad in bed" as it would be my first time with another woman. Perhaps she'd even feel honoured by that I couldn't give away my lesbian virginity to just about any woman... that it had to be her, specifically. Whoever she may be.
I think I long for love and romance much more than I may want to admit. That too. So yeah, maybe I'll try to get into some actual dating, I dunno. I'll need to be careful, and keen on listening to myself. Also keep working on my half-assed meditation so I can learn to relax again, and trust my own body. That too, I think would also be very important for a relationship. I'm literally too disconnected from my own body and mind to truly connect to anyone else's body and mind. But I know I can change that, if I just try and give it a chance or two, and keep working on it. So I'll do that, as well as working on my communication skills or lack thereof. Someday soon I'll hopefully be dating material as well.
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