I'm not fine

Damn, I thought this was a good day, or at least not a crappy one. Guess what I just did? Threw up my food. It wasn't even that much. But I'm getting better at it. Managed at my second try. Then had one other go at it and that had to be enough. It's so disgusting I don't even... I don't know why or how I think it was worth it. Next time, or the time after that, I'll get it all up, everything I've eaten. Consider it one of my crazy goals.

Guess I kinda have EDNOS after all. Anorexics don't purge like this... or do they...? Yeah, I could still be getting anorexia, just with a binge/purge subtype, if I get thin enough. As if my life wasn't hell-ish enough. Is this a choice, or does it just take me wherever it leads me? I wonder, cause didn't I just ponder, should I go and throw up my food or not? No, I didn't do much thinking, I just got the idea in my head and went ahead and did it. Almost as if someone or something forced me to do it. Shit, that's rather scary.

I fear that I'll continue, now that I'm getting a hang of it. That maybe I'll develop something in between anorexia and bulimia, restricting but not that much and purging when I've had enough of not being able to restrict more. Maybe all I want is to avoiding binge eating disorder (BED) so I find a way around it by starting purging. Though I know that purging only once in a while won't get me to a lower weight. I have to do it much more often, like every single day that I eat more than 700 calories. Consider my life officially over.

I've been suppressing my darkness, telling myself that I'm closer to "fine" than I really am. I don't know, honestly, how far I truly am from that word. I don't want to know. So when people ask me how I am and I want to give them an honest answer, I can't. Even when I can feel this huge lump in my throat, even when I've been drinking for 12 consecutive days, just decided to try purging every day and the most depressing music I can find doesn't even bother me. I don't know how I'm feeling, but it's not fine.

Mostly, it's because I try to be strong for K. I need... I just need to be available for him 24/7 and if I'm a wreck then how can I be there for him? But I am a wreck, and I've been going down hill again for the past 6-7 months or so now. My eating disorder started in September last year but I was already in a pretty bad shape about a month before. Can't remember why though.

I haven't been fine for a long time. I don't know if I ever have been.