Who am I

In school, I don't care about anyone there. I lie to them, keep information about myself to myself. They open up about childhood traumas and tell their open and honest opinions - and I can't even say that I have an eating disorder.

I shut up, close the doors and stay on the outside. I think about this quote: "I want all of my secrets back" and I'm scared that if I do open up, I will regret it. I used to be an open book. I really did. Everyone knew everything about me, down to every last embarrassing little detail. More than they wanted to know. Some literally shut their ears when I opened my mouth.

Who am I now?

I just wish I could somehow change back, but I don't know. I just want to avoid people altogether and why am I even going to school now again? I have a sensation already now that it's not gonna work out in the long run. I don't even want to be there. But I tell everyone that it's going fine. Well, almost everyone. It's always group activities and if you could read my mind at those times you'd hear nothing but loud sighs. But I need to be more open with them but I don't even know when or how to start.

And some things are just so... ugh, I don't know, it's hard to be me I guess. Like we had a discussion in a group of 5 people today and they brought up how they thought rapists and child molesters should be tortured and killed. And I'm like... ugh, they really shouldn't know certain stuff about me. Like anyone ever should. But it just made me feel so uneasy allover because of what I've done in my past. Like I can't take it back, no matter how much I want to. It's there, my dark secret that will doom me for the rest of my life and if there is a hell worse than this, I know I'll be going there because of that. Nuff said? Cause I'm feeling the twists and turns in my stomach allover again.

I'm not a bad person, anyone could agree with that, but I've done things that could be described as down right evil and among the worst things you can possibly do. Two dark secrets actually, where as one of them I've actually told someone, on an online forum, but it was under special circumstances and if that would (God forbid) come out... nothing can happen to me because of it, except I might lose friends and possibly even family members. But the other thing... if that ever comes out, I don't even want to think about it. It happened over 16 years ago, but I'm pretty sure it would shake things up quite completely and possibly ruin my life.

With that said, I can definitely at least say that I was young and stupid when that first thing happened. Just me and one more person know about it. It's like... if anyone, I would possibly eventually tell K, if he trusted me enough. Cause I trust him, but I don't want him to hate me because of it. I would definitely not tell my mother. Ever. She just CAN'T ever know.

One classmate told the group that they had been sexually assaulted in their past and it just fueled the discussion even more. I wanted to say that I have been too, but with my dark secret on my mind I was too disgusted to say anything at all. I don't want to sound like a fucking victim when I at the same time... I just don't. Let me gasp for a while as I decide if I should even post this.