Disconnected

Sometimes... I don't know what I am anymore. Am I a demon, or an ex-demon? Am I human, or will I never entirely be human? It's like I'm something in between. Like I have all these memories that have been forming me so powerfully ever since I was a little kid, and all these latent feelings that connects me to my former demon self. A ravenous hunger, something that makes me drawn to evil deeds, but I never really step over to that darkness.

It's true, that I have in the past, I have looked darkness in the eyes and said "I belong to you" but truth is I don't know where I belong. It's like I'm stuck in the shadows, in between light and dark. I don't know my place. Dala is no more, I don't belong there anymore. But I don't belong here either and I don't feel human.

What I can relate to in this reality is very limited and comes in short supplies. Certain things, here and there, small and mostly insignificant. I have a purpose, but I feel disconnected from it. My undying curiosity for humans is dying.

My wish to learn about them is fading, it feels forced and fake. Like I'm performing someone else's wish, someone else's purpose. I'm detached, uninterested and wish to be left alone. I can't keep up with these humans, I don't feel like I'm one of them, but they look at me and they see a human being and I'm just silently whispering "no, you're wrong" under my breath. I don't want them to hear, don't want to cause a scene, don't want for them to have questions I can only answer in riddles.

Who believes me? I feel like an alien trapped in a human shell, unable to go back home again, a home no one else, or very few, has been to. I would like to meet someone, just one person, who has seen the emerald green grass fields and the skies so bright but never hurt your eyes. Someone who also could speak the language that I have now forgotten, someone who also remembers what it's like to be something other than human.

Cause I can't connect with humans anymore. Why? Cause they're boring, cause I can't relate, or simply because they are not him. Maybe it's my love for K that has blinded me lately? But I can't even reach out to him. I cry and stretch my arms out into the air but he's several hundred miles away and it all feels so terribly hopeless. And I know he's my last chance. How many more months, or even just weeks, can I carry on living like this?

I feel so empty, yet filled with every emotion known to man and some others that knows no name. And I'm so lost. This loneliness has really taken the best out of me and left me like this, unable to connect, to feel connected to anything anymore. I distance myself, but others take distance from me too. I can feel everything and everyone are just slipping away from me.

I know that I will never return to live on the main country again. It's a pretty dream, but it's not gonna happen. I lost everything when I moved here. All but my family. My heart isn't in anything anymore. It's just broken shatters, the remains of a heart that once could give people a sodding chance. Now I'm just a liar and a deceiver. I'm keeping to myself even when I'm around people and honestly, I don't know how I feel about school or going there. I've been lying from my very first minute there. They can't know the real me. No one can.

I don't even talk to people anymore, just three, and I don't talk much to those three either. It's K, my best friend and my mother. Well, that's something, right? I don't know what it is, but I feel like they're slipping away and I don't know how to hold on to them.

I try, god knows I try, but I still don't know how when I at the same time don't want anything to to with them. My heart aches and bleeds for them, to be near them, like we used to be before or like never before. The loneliness is breaking me down, yet protects me, but prevents me from reaching out again. I've lost touch with humanity and I don't know how to find it again.

I don't know my place in this world, I don't know who I am anymore, my life is slipping away from me. Nothing means anything to me, I'm not holding on to anything. I really don't. I just go with the flow and see where it takes me. To hell, probably. Another bigger piece of hell that I haven't yet seen. I fear it, and I can feel it breathing down my neck. Something big is coming and it's coming soon. I don't know what it is yet, but I'm sure it will destroy me and everything I am, everything I can pretend to hold on to. Whatever it is, it will be the end of me.

I turn 26 this spring and I have less than 2 years left, according to the prophecy and Satan's words. I feel like I'm dying, or more like I'm living on borrowed time. All I know is that time is ticking and I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to do. Everything just seems so pointless or like it requires too much effort, time and money that I don't have. How do you make your life meaningful without money or even a grasp of sanity?

You can't. I've found out it's impossible in my case. I've given up on finding a meaning with it all. I can't wait for it to just end. But waiting I do, and I think that might be the only thing I ever do.