24/7

It's like... why am I always there for him but he's never there for me? This is the first and might as well be the last time I ever complain about this. Cause I'm literally there for him as close to 24/7 as I possibly can. I'd miss school for him, I'd neglect family, other friends and hobbies for him. I'd even neglect sleep for him. Anything really. But what do I get? Maybe one, or top two replies a week. I don't feel... necessary to him. I feel like I do matter, but not as much as he matters to me. Not even close.

And I just keep on pining for him, I keep breaking in pieces and the pieces turn to dust. I've been collecting the remains of my heart for a long time now, it was broken before I fell for him. Now he's literally my world and I don't know what to do. I can't let go, I refuse to. Not now, not when we're so close to... I can't say it, it's between us. If your first name starts with a K and your last name now starts with an H, I will tell you and only you because I trust you that much, but one one else.

I just feel so damn lost here on this god forsaken island, I wish I could go back in time and to never have moved here. I could be with him right now if I would have stayed. Maybe not, cause it would still be miles away, but still.

I sit here in my make up that has mostly run away because of all the times I've tried to purge but not succeeded, in my jacket I got from a very close friend of mine who's name starts with an M and I try not to break apart. Because I miss K so much it hurts inside me like knives all over.

I try to reach out to him, I always do, in a million ways, but he rarely responds. I know, I do know why and I respect it, I accept it but I just... I can't help how very much I crave his presence.


I really want his name tattooed on my hip. I want it so badly. But I should ask for his permission first. I'm jumping far ahead and it might scare him. I don't mean that I'll always be his or that he'll always be mine, I just want him with me for all eternity.

It's like it's not real before it's under my skin and it's like I want to prove to... I don't know who... that it truly is real.

I'm too drunk to be thinking at all tonight. I drank so much vodka and absinthe, I mean god damn... I'm gonna go to bed now, see you later, or something.