I refuse to choose

I don't want to live forever. It feels like I already have, and forever is a very long time. I know that I thought I was gonna live forever in Dala, that feeling was pretty strong and could apparently pierce through dimensions. When you live for that long, you eventually take everything for granted. Literally everything. In this life I certainly don't, not the truly important things. It doesn't mean I hold on to them extra hard, but that I always keep in the back of my mind that it won't last forever. Cause here, nothing does.

Not even in Dala, apparently. I was there for a very long time, until nothing there was special anymore. Towards the end it had lost its magic, but then I came here and realised that now, I've lost all the things that once meant everything to me. The thing is though, while you can never stop crying over what you've lost, you can always gain something else that you can learn to love equally much. Yes, even here in this awful hell dimension, in this prison of a life.

It took a while for me to understand that, leaving everything I held so dear behind me. For good, or for just this once, I don't know. And it still tears me apart, cause whatever I have to hold on to in this life... it's not enough. It's not enough for miles and it never will be. I can hold on, wait for my dream to come true cause I have nothing else to hope for, wait and wait and just hope that things will turn around. But that's the thing about dreams... they're not real.

I wanted to end there, I really did, but I just can't do that to whomever reads this. I might be chasing my perfect dream like a dog is chasing its tail, but it's not all that hopeless, cause don't I somehow live while that chase is going on? I don't know why I'm still alive and right now it doesn't matter. I don't care. I'm tired of living but I'm not ready to die yet.

If someone would give me that one pill to just end it all, completely pain free and without devastating consequences, I would say no. I don't know why, but somehow I'm still curious about life. I want to see my friends grow older, see what happens to them, I want to see if me and K could ever... and I know that I have to give it time, as much time as any of us have.

Cause I'm running on a low flame and he's not well. It's all I can say about him, if even that. I'm worried sick day and night but he's still the light of my life, he's what keeps that low flame burning at all within me. And I can't give up, for his sake if anything. I still breathe because of him. I think ironically, suicide is out of my hands, and sadly, it depends on him, and us. I don't even know if I should confess such a thing, but seeing as you still don't know who he is, no harm no foul, right?

I'm still trying to figure it out. Why I will kill myself one day and why I haven't yet already. But the answer, I believe, is on the other side. I've given up hope on ever being able to love, or even just like, life.

Life hates me and I hate it back. I'm just waiting for my last gasp of air without actually trying to kill myself. I don't want to live, and I don't want to die. I can't choose. I'm stuck between two options and I refuse to choose. I believe that's why I leave it up to K. It's horrible of me, I know, but that's how I live right now. That's why I'm not suicidal, that's why I at the same time don't care what happens to me. It's the only explanation that I have.