Supplements for chaos

This notepad is the closest to a writing program I can get right now. Need to fix a few things on this computer, but since my family's internet connections still sucks, and my own mobile internet really doesn't hold for that much either, so I can't download any programs to install. For now I'm just living on the dream that my hard drive isn't completely amaged beyond repair which will in that case, bring all my heavy work I've been writing on since December, to the grave with it. Got no back ups of course... I don't think I can deal with that right now. Just keep on pretending it will aaaall just be aaalriiight...

I'm so unstable, I can feel the ground shattering underneath me.

***

I'm living the dream,

baby, just living the dream

it's just what it seems

you know what it means

Sex, drugs and rock n' roll

I'm a prince and I'm a troll

mean words holds nothing for me

legends lives forever, lost n' free

Home is where the heart is

I'll do anything, for your kiss

but won't stay the night

cause vampires shoves the light

An endless hunger, aching need

an empty space I try to feed

an intensity like fire that lingers away

my demons are here to stay

With passion comes pain

creativity is in my vein

I've done my time

I might as well do the crime

(lyrics are mine)

***

I don't know why I suddenly started to write in English. I guess I just ran out of Swedish words. But I might go back to Swedish anytime, I don't know.

There's so much fire inside me, I can't control it. I don't wanna control it, it stimulates me. But it also mutilates me "Quod me nutrit me destruit". I feel both reborn and drawn away from life at the same time, guess I'm just stuck somewhere inbetween. I can just barely sence a strength inside of me, it wants grow and live, but something ties it down. Something so strong and dark, I can't even picture it. But if I want to live everyday to the fullest, what's stopping me? I know what's stopping me: the mental health "care" in this country, all stupid and ignorant rules and laws, the school/job system, and so much more. I just feel so impartient, and I don't have money or power enough to live the life I wanna live. I'm not unintelligent, I just have a hard time with schools, and the system that controls me. I'm not a misanthrope, I just happen to hate the human society. And I'm not against politics, I just happen to be a chaotic, communistic fucking anarchist. And I'm just so tired of it all. It doesn't matter what I do or say, it never has.

I constantly jump between polar extremes. One second I'm the king of the world, I literally see myself as some sort of anti-hero, and believe my values and strong opinions could open up the strict confided society a liiittle tiny bit. The next second I'm Mr. Nobody no one ever understands or listens to, cause no one is trustable and everyone will die sooner or later. And so will I, hopefully sooner so I don't have to mess around in this tragic mess anymore. (Soo borderline...)

It's a tragic mess indeed. But I just can't do a shit about it. I'm tired of spitting blood, being beaten down again, spit more blood just to get beaten down once more. I wonder how therapy will be this fall though. I must say I'm kinda excited about it, but of course I'm not expecting it to be good, in fact I don't expect anything. I demand it to be good. Fuck it, hopes are for pussies, and I won't give it more chances after this. You've got one shot, kill me or thrill me!

"There's a gray place

between black and white

but everyone does have the right

to choose the path that he takes" - Iron Maiden (some song).