They're destroying my thoughts. Creating unessecary feelings. Dreams from my past are haunting me. The truth of today leaves an empty space. Trying to find the gap to see through, only to find there's nothing there to create a gap. The darkness scares me sometimes. Reminds me of the truth: it's nothing there. The night resembles the empty space inside of me. I try not to tremble, I try not to cry. Too often I misjudge. A strange sound, a gasp in the air, echo of dogs howling in the distance.
The kitchen once so cosy and bright, now left empty with a pressuring silence. I don't feel safe in here, I feel anything but safe. But what am I afraid of? What is the emptiness trying to tell me? Is it the people who lives here not meeting my needs, or is it me not meeting theirs? Holding on to my heart, the only home I know. Want to get rid of this feeling, but still I wanna identify it. Desperate for a diagnose, am I willing to risk my life for it? What life do I have to risk?
My eyes cannot trust what they see, my ears cannot trust what they hear, my body cannot trust what it feels. Is it all just in my mind, am I just making all this up? Once more I feel the need to escape.
New words, new combinations of words that I try to find meaning in. Try to analyze the moment and understand why I'm here. How did I get here? Why did I get here?
Why am I so obsessed with the thoughts in my mind, the feelings in my heart, the now and the past? Why do I cling on to broken images, why can't I figure out what's wrong? I'm just spinning in circles. Feels like I'm stuck in a wheel, just running faster the more tired I get. I live in a fantasy world, but the dream broke years ago. I'm living in the ruins of fantasy world.
I can't finnish what I started cause I can't remember why I started it. The currents are getting bigger, the water is getting colder, the night is getting darker. The feeling I get is similar to drowning. How much darker can it get? Where am I supposed to go?
The questions are driving me nuts, I can't get rid of them. No matter how hard I try.
The feeling resembles a mixture of what you feel when losing someone or something you love, the feeling you get when you realize you've tried everything a houndred times but you can't fix it, of being misunderstood, abandoned and of just not understanding a shit. How did I get so messed up?
A sour taste in my mouth. Is it the cigarette or my soul rottening? It could be both. I can't remember either taking a shower or brushing my teeth since I got here. I can't even remember what date I got here.
I've lost the count of years of misery, given up the hope of ever getting better. Still willing to try anything, it's not like I've got anything to lose. But it feels like I'm just wasting my breath.
Counting time in minutes, scars and cigarettes. They say every moment is a chance to turn everything around. I wonder how that's possible. Must be somthing about my attitude, even though that's the only thing that has changed.
I can take risks. I do it all the time. But I'm losing far more than I'm gaining, and I don't really have that much left to gamble with.
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