For fucks sake! How long am going to deny this? Me of all people, have a side I'm constantly denying. Why? Because it's unrealisctic, silly, and shouldn't even be remotely possible! Not even in my world! I can't believe all this shit is constantly troubling me! Cause you know what? I'm sick and tired of it. There's always something more piling up in this hell, just constantly growing larger and more insuffareable every breaking minute.
I've cried because of this. Meny times too, unfortunatly. (Cause I hate to cry and it's just a waste of energy I don't generally have.) Cause just the mere thought of it makes me sick. It's not really a medical condition, it's not even on anybody's map - and how it got on to my map is still a mystery. And if this really is my case, I can asure you I will hate myself even more - how the fuck now that's possible - And I'm quite tired of always ending up hating myself more and more.
But I guess a part of me kind of wanted this as well. So be damn careful what you wish for, you might fucking unbelievable or not get it!!! Or maybe I was born with this curse, but it's rather unlikely. I can think of several incidents from my mid-teens that could explain this...
But I've been ranting about this issue before. Just about a year ago, in the beginning of 2010 I searched the internet for clues, information and forums for other people like me (on this topic, that is) and I found a strange page created by a complete moron and followed by more morons. I guess I can put up a link at the bottom in this post if you wanna find out for youselves. But I warn you, those people are more narrow-minded than ordodox christians... Anyways, not long after my first realisation I got other things to focus on, and I put it aside. So much that I started to believe it might not really have been the case after all. Cause there were so many traits I was missing out on, I though that I had just put my head in the clouds as usual instead of concentrating on facts. But I fell in to it once more, bounced back again och so on. I guess what really made me back away from it over and over was just because I kept on denying it deep down, scared as shit what it would actually mean to... indulge for this radical lifestyle.
So now I'm there again. And it's the same issue that has been bugging me all along: blood. Though I love the taste of it it's not really the kind of spice I want the rest of my life to be spiked with. It's so damn complicated to get a hold on, just to begin with. And I know it for real that I actually do need it now. Cause it was over six months ago since I last had some, and I've been constantly tired, just feeling sicker and sicker without any doctors being able to diagnose it. I've felt the urge for more blood several times the last six months, but haven't given in for it. Until tonight.
The result..? I haven't had so much energy or felt more alive for so long!
I have to stop denying shit like this in the future, poke me if I do, okay? The guys at the stupid website talked about what could be causing this "condition" is be a retrovirus of some sort. I don't even know whether to tell if that is dump-shit-mumbo-jumbo like most of the crap they talked about, or if it could really be worth looking into. The real problem I'm facing is that I can't be living on my own blood in the long run, cause that will make me sick. But not to worry, I will actually have to eat normal human food as well, just need som extra nutrition. So I'm gonna have to go picking up more or less willing donors in the near, and further future...
Well, I know you waited for it, so here's the pun: being a vampire sucks!
Link to the site (it does have some really good information as well, at least it's the only somewhat serious site I've found): http://vampirewebsite.net/
No comments:
Post a Comment