Still holding on... I think

I don't have anything to live for, but neither anything to die for. This is a problem!!!

Staring into the night, trying looking for stars in the sky, but the fog lies thick in the air. Another deep breath of cigarette smoke, hold it in for as long as possible before I slowly let it out. I write my life with big capitals, but still feel as if I missed all the important things out. How many times is it possible to fail at something so simple and trivial, until I break apart for the last time? Misery holds me tight, telling me I'll always break more, fail more, die inside once more and feel more pain as long as I'm alive. As long as I'm alive. And that's the only end of anything, and everything. The way to stop feeling, needing, wishing, losing, loving, thinking and judging. Those parts of life of which I have no control. What so ever.

"when everything's upside down

and I'm trying to fill the spaces

all those memories, of lost

feelings, moments and faces

can't breathe cause of all

the pain thriving deep inside

and I can't see, all I lose

is what I push aside

when love is killing me

and sex equals only pain

how easy is it to not focus

on the thoughts eating my brain

flashbacks of old memories

making them real again and again

living on borrowed time

guess I'm practically in sane

so caught up on believing

that I'm damaged from within

and how much I'm failing, like

the carved in words in my skin

try not to scream, but wonder

what is left to believe

if everything one can imagine is real

and silence is the answer I receive"

I fantasized the other day, about the day I die no one will know the cause of death, yet everyone would agree on that it was a miracle I stayed alive for that long. If the soul dies, would the body just give cause it can't live without the soul? Is that the explanation for all unexplainable deaths? It doesn't sound unreal to me, you know. The power of thoughts and feelings is strong, you can die of a broken heart. So maybe that is true, somehow.

But right now (and we all know that I only live in the moment) I feel like I wanna see just how corrupted I can get. I guess I make it a competition to see if my lungs or my liver dies first. I guess the liver, it's so easy to kill. A bit too easy, even. But with my smoking habit I'd give my lungs about ten-fifteen years if I continue this way.

I have a new celebrity crush as well, I just can't get him off my mind. So gorgeous my eyes almost bleeding. Just browsing through internet I even found out someone else wrote a book about their obsession about my "crush"...

Other than drooling over images, my days are spent killing bed bugs and watching movies. They're fucking everywhere! I woke up around noon all full of bites all over my body, and it's itching like hell. And I've probably killed at least ten that I found crawling around on me or nearby me just yesterday. Yesterday I went shopping twice, the first round was just around the corner to get groceries, the other further away to buy sheets and bedlinen preferably bug free and clean. But it bugs me (no pun intended) that I get so damn tired just by doing more or less nothing at all.

I guess nights are kinda between dates for me. Cause now it seems like it's neither Saturday or Sunday. I think about Saturday as yesterday and Sunday as tomorrow. Don't know why really. But these fucking neighbors gotta have a worse diurnal rhythm that I do, cause they're up chatting loud, cooking and playing loud music half past three in the morning...

I make the right rules but I'm lost within...