I just randomly started thinking about my past relationship with M, and that "turning point" when I went from being viewed as a straight girl when I was him, to being viewed as a gay guy holding the same person's hand in public. It was... weird. I hadn't ever viewed myself as either gay or straight, and it did catch me by surprise. During that relationship, I saw it as that I was in that "awkward phase" of halfway passing and halfway not passing as I was early in my transition. Age 21-22, year 2011. Now I only vaguely remember that day when some random strangers yelled "faggots" at us somewhere in the middle of Uppsala. I was like "huh?" and didn't quite understand why for a moment before I did catch on, like "oh you mean me and my boyfriend?" as I was hit by the obvious.
I still find it difficult to listen to music that reminds me of past loves. Even if it's a really good song. I keep seeing that person's face in my mind with a lingering sadness, either coming from them or from within myself distantly hinting at what caused us to break up. I can only distance myself partially, I cannot freeze myself entirely ice cold to the memories. That, I can only give the outward impression of that I've done.
Can I see my truth from my own lies? Sometimes. Some truths about me I have never hidden behind lies. I've always stood up for those, thus I know I can trust them to be true. And vice versa some lies are so definitely made up and have required a lot of work for me to keep up for decades, those I can trust to be blatant lies. But there is definitely a big grey mess in between those extremes. The subtley polished truths, the vague lies that could be true if things had just been slightly different. Do I even know what I truly feel when I've been lying to myself every day for most of my life about my emotions as some kind of coping mechanism? Some make do with just bottling up, I do that and then twist and shake and poison the content until it's changed colour, taste, smell and texture. Now that's become somewhat of a routine.
I do not lose sleep or shed tears over my mess of a love-life, but sure I do often take a step back and glance at the disaster behind me, wondering why it turned out that way and how to prevent it from repeating in the future. I never come up with even a hint of an answer. Nothing. A shrug at best. Should I just leave it then and hope for the best? No, probably not. But I'm in that kind of state where it's either "dig your own grave of unsolvable issues" or "take things as they come" and I choose the latter. For now, at least. I have more issues than I can even conceive of, but I think most of them stem from my trust issues, history of sexual abuse, my selfishness/narcissism with contradicting self esteem issues, a kind of mixed superiority/victim complex haphazard. Ironically quite similar to how SJW's are often described, but with an entirely different outcome.
Am I better than them? Never said I was, never intended to imply it. For me, pointing out a group of people's faults doesn't necessarily put me above them. It only means I see their faults, not that I in any way deny my own faults. I like my own faults better, but it only means I'm another kind of shitty. I disdain their hive-mind mentality for the destruction of modern society, while I work privately for the destruction of individual lives. Better? Not quite. Just different. This has nothing to do with me being demonkin, but it's just something to liken it to that I think is of some relevance: I heard many times in otherkin communities that demonkins usually don't mix well with other demonkin people. It made me think. Taking the "evil" or malicious stereotype out of it, and placing it roughly over this situation, maybe there is something to it that maybe people in general who have dark intentions also don't mix well with other people who have dark intentions, unless their agenda is the same? And maybe that's why I hate SJW's, they hate me, the KKK doesn't give a fuck about anyone else and ISIS just wants everyone dead.
I wonder if an entire world of dark personality type people would just be one giant, endless war. No one getting along, everyone wanting destruction in their own way and doesn't give a fuck about anyone else. Some work in groups, others work alone. It would be a disaster. Glad the world isn't like that. I wouldn't want to live in a world only filled with people as poisonous as me or even more. Me liking my own nature doesn't mean I want for everyone to be like me, and that's probably what differs me from the SJW's, except from the obvious that we have entirely different views and I just can't agree on anything they stand for. No, I like the diversity that they claim to fight for but are ultimately actually fighting against.
However, I obviously don't put myself in the same kind of bad as serial killers and rapists, although my mind tends to be kind of similar to what theirs have been portrayed as in modern psychology. That saying about "actions speak louder than words" probably has a lot to do with why I don't think I should be considered quite as dark as them. Cause logically, thinking about committing murder isn't the same kind of bad as actually committing murder. And having assaulted people in the past because of having self control issues also isn't the same as committing murder or rape over and over for the thrill of it. Regardless of my reasons for not having done such things, the important thing is simply that I haven't and I don't intend to. However my lack of concern for human and all life, and that I have done horrible shit to other people in the past without really feeling much of any remorse other than being overwhelmed by the consequences it could have on my own selfish ass, and relentlessly keep repeating the same and new, similar "mistakes" with little to no care for others, does put me in a darker category than those who most certainly have done bad things themselves but actually feel remorse for that and don't repeat the same and other, similar, acts later on.
A quote I've been stumbling upon several times as of lately is: "When you repeat a mistake, it is not a mistake anymore: it is a decision." and it always kinda makes me cringe a bit, making me mumble in defense while no one else can hear me: what do you know about it, really? How can something that is involuntary be a decision? Or did he also include subconscious decisions? Cause if he did, then I actually would agree. The subconsious mind is a damn tricky mine field full of shit that science and psychology can't even begin to grasp. A subconscious decision would be anything from running out in traffic to save a kid who ran out right in front of a moving vehicle - to repeatedly enter one abusive relationship after another as the victim. And a whole lot of other shit, like always going for the same taste of tea every morning despite having several different options at home but you just didn't think about it. Or always ending up sleeping on the same side of your big bed even when you're having it all to yourself and you don't think about it. Really, a subconscious decision is technically any choice you make without paying attention to what you're doing, for a wide variety of reasons. It is habit, reflexes and mindlessness.
And I think it can also be applied to things like bad habits in general, at least in some cases. But can it be applied to me? Thinking about it more clearly... kinda not, actually. For me, I think what's happening is that I continuously end up in situations that I'm responsible for fucking up, unintentionally, but upon realising, I take the wrong route and mess it up more, finish what I started - instead of backing away, stop what I'm doing, apologising if applicable (it actually hasn't always been, since well, neither property nor animals would have been helped by my apologies), and turn the fuck away from it all before it escalates. But instead I let it escalate. So it could potentially be a subconscious decision to keep ending up in those situations, but it's a conscious decision to make the situations worse on purpose, which would in turn make the next such decision a little less subconscious. "I don't want to be forgiven." -I keep repeating that sentence to myself as some kind of cold comfort. I guess maybe that's why I don't stop before it is too late.
And I think as of rather lately, it has also become a way for me to push people away from myself when I can't handle the situation/relationship anymore. Violence as misdirected self defense. If I want to distance myself from someone and I can't communicate that to them in a kind and mature way, I attack them instead hoping it will be just as effective if not even more effective, when it's reached that breaking point in which I've essentially given up on my own verbal ability to communicate. I have a way of not being able to verbally communicate what I actually want. I tend to soften my expressions and minimise the problems like I might say "I might need some space soon" when I actually need to say "I definitely need a whole lot of space right fucking now and it's non-negotiable". There's a huge difference and it leads a whole lot of miscommunication. It has actually gotten a slight notch better since a few years ago, but it's not nearly good enough yet. That is rooted in my trust issues, quite definitely, cause what I can't get out of my imagination is that if I'd say what's really on my mind, I expect getting reactions like: what you mean, you want me to leave? what have I done? Have I hurt you? Is something wrong? (Yes but I don't want to talk about it) and so on. Basically, I fear what I would consider to be an over-reaction or a counter attack that I wouldn't know how to handle. And whenever there's something I feel I can't handle, I'm gonna try to avoid it at all costs. I am somehow a very private person, at least in real life, but like giving the impression of being the opposite because of the perks that come with it, but apparently backlash is a thing and it hit me hard.
Yesterday I did some reading up on how sexual abuse can affect one's sexuality afterwards, and on a particular website it listed a few different outcomes, although this one in particular sounded familiar: "Other survivors act out or become promiscuous believing that they are only good or loved for sex. He or she then fulfills this legacy sometimes with total disregard for his/her own safety. They feel they cannot say no to sex and end up having sex with anyone that wants them." However I don't feel that I'm only good or loved for sex, I know perfectly well that people can and do love me regardless of if I fuck them or not. It's more of a compulsion for me that I can't explain the "why" of. But the following two sentences completely describe me. I don't care about it being safe, in fact I prefer it not to be. And I don't say no to anyone who wants me, usually. But then not everyone I've had sex with were the ones to approach me, a few of them I kinda coerced.
This line woke me up a bit from my late night, not sure if I'm really awake, state as well: "Also here is the fact that many survivors find one-night stands sexually enjoyable. This is because they are disconnected with any emotional or intimate feelings regarding sex." And also: "As an adult, sex with an intimate partner may become a “skin crawling” experience. Many have noticed that the deeper the relationship became, the less they wanted sex with this person. They may feel so confused as to why they enjoyed sex before but suddenly can’t stand to be touched by the partner." - "This then becomes a pattern. They can meet someone new, enjoy sex for a time and then as the relationship goes to a deeper more connected level, the same thing happens. They can’t stay disconnected from sex in an intimate relationship and they can’t connect sex with love." That's exactly what I described in an earlier blog entry a while ago. That's spot on. That website is basically repeating my own words. I just didn't connect it to my past experiences of sexual abuse, for some reason. I have too much going in my life/head, I don't know which waste bucket to throw which kind of junk into.
And then fucking tumblr wants to slap one of its fancy stupid labels on that as well, as I recently came across the made up term "fraysexual" describing exactly this (would be the opposite to "demisexual"). Are they making the severe aftermaths of sexual abuse into a trendy "sexual orientation" now too?! Fuck I've had enough of their shit.
The thing that confuses me is that when I was with R, I could and did connect sex with love, in some way, and I did enjoy sex with him even after having reached that connected deeper level. However, the fact that I was sexually abused again years after may of course have implemented that kind of pattern afterwards as a result. I have to realise that for every time I've been through one sexual trauma it's brought on more shit to my mental health than the one before that did.
I read further down the page into the comment section. Someone said this in an answer to one of those comments: "If you have had sex forced upon you when you were too young, too small, too inexperienced, too unprepared to know how to deal with it, then shutting down emotionally and letting it happen could actually be a very efficient coping mechanism. But continuing with a sex life without emotional attachment as an adult with loving partner is not healthy and will ultimately lead to the collapse of the relationship." Although I wasn't technically raped as a child (at age 9, it was sexual assault but not rape) that was exactly what I did at 17, and still a virgin by common definition. And the emotional detachment in future consensual sex acts I definitely recognise myself in. But I didn't use to phrase it like that in my past. I said that I "focused on the feeling" meaning the physical sensation, and it was, as I saw it, mostly my way of coping with my gender dysphoria. Of course that gets thrown into this mess as well. A lot of different things fuck up my sex life. But I think those two are the major ones. Sexual abuse and gender dysphoria. Then miscommunication, expectations (that I have on both myself and my partners), are also often around and stirring up that already existing mess.
Maybe I've become too desensitised when it comes to rape. My mind trying to turn it into a good thing by making all of my sexual fantasies being about rape, at this point just reading or hearing the very word turns me on. But although I know the reality behind it doesn't, it has done something to me. Something quite disturbing. At this point, when I'm with a guy and he does something sexually with me that I very clearly said "no" to before, I'm... drawn to it, of being violated. But then I shrug it off and just call it a not so great time as it kinda hits me. Or more like a nudge. It could have gone better, but I'm not losing sleep over it and I'm not calling it rape, even though maybe it technically was. I guess I wouldn't know for sure. This was pretty recent, a few months ago. But then does it even matter if I was raped again if it doesn't even bother me? Me not being bothered confuses me, and that's why I eventually decided to write about it here, but that's about it. Although I've been trying to make sense of that event before.
I don't even understand the concept of "wanting" anymore. Essentially, wanting something that I don't want, is a paradox. Maybe it's more like I feel drawn towards that particularly illegal way of being dominated, that I want to be forced for the thrill but I don't want that kind of sex. And I use my own aversion to it as a way of basically harming myself psychologically. As it's been spinning in my mind as a repeated fantasy for over a decade now, maybe it's warped my sanity. This might also have something to with me feeling all the more out of control in my life otherwise, that I feel like I don't have control and it's pushing me to the brink. Sex is the only aspect of my life in which it is completely reversed. I can't even stand having control then, and now I've been taking that to the extreme even further beyond what's considered healthy.
It's really unhealthy as fuck. That me making myself even more vulnerable in sex might be a way for me to try to take back control over the rest of the aspects of my life, but obviously failing miserable. Cause it doesn't work that way. If anything it will have the opposite effect. Sure, bdsm can work great for that, but willingly submitting myself to getting raped? That's a whole different chapter of a whole different book. Coming back to the subconscious decisions. But is it even rape if I subconsciously decide to have sex with someone in certain ways despite not consciously wanting to? A part of me wants it. Not the part that says no, but the part that willingly lets it happen for the thrill of the fear. This was not about freezing up, it was me letting go and not caring about how I actually felt. Staying in the moment, subjecting myself to the agony. It feels like I'm trying to mend broken glass by smashing it against the wall. I can't think of anything more contraproductive. And I have no idea what my sense of logic even is.
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