First fall updates

September 21st:
Enjoying some vodka drinks in this late evening. The summer is coming to an end, and I have mixed feelings about that. As I want for the warm weather to continue, the further into winter time moves the more is gonna happen surgery wise which is definitely good. I finally got an appointment with that second surgeon for my metoidioplasty booked, on the 26th of September which is in 5 days from now. It's at a hospital in Linköping which is farther away than Stockholm so it's a bit more and different travel this time around. Me and my mother will take the ferry from Visby to Oskarshamn, then she will drive us the rest of the way which she's said will take about 2 hours. We've been pondering about how to go about that kind of trip when I'll actually be having surgery there and not just going for a constultation, but it's gonna be several months at least until then though.

More stuff happening in regards to surgery in the near future is that I might get the hysterectomy done on October 19th, but it's very preliminary right now. It can be delayed until sometime in November instead which I was told up front, as that hospital (in Stockholm) will need a specialist surgeon for that procedure, and they apparently don't keep those around at all times there. Then when it's more certain when, I'm gonna get a consultation/pre-op talk scheduled a couple of weeks prior. That's all I know about that for now. Oh, and I'm just assuming that I'll need to wait about 6 months or more between the hysto and first stage of meta.

Yeah, I remember the other surgeon I talked to in May said that the meta surgery will be done in two or more stages. I'm gonna ask the other surgeon (on Tuesday) about what will be done in which stage, among other things. I do have an idea of what and when after having researched it like crazy online, but fact remains that every surgeon tends to do things slightly differently, and I have no idea what this particular surgeon does and in what order, and I want to have an idea. So, might as well share here as well what I plan to bring up with this surgeon now on Tuesday.

For starters, except from the basic metoidioplasty which is just the clitoral release, I also want these procedures done:
- Urethra extension/lengthening
- Scrotoplasty with (small) testicular implants (and also need to specify that I want for the scrotum to be fused together into one sack and not separated, as it is made from the outer labia which are by default two separated things, and different surgeons do this differently)
- Vaginectomy
- and I'll ask about the possibilty and need for a mons resection (essentially is moving everything upwards a bit in case it would be too far down, which is difficult for me to tell by now by myself, hence I need some expert advice on that point, and if it can even be performed here, at that hospital, or in Sweden at all)

Then my questions and other clarifications are as follows:
- For the urethra, vaginal tissue? (this is to clarify that I'd rather go with that method since I want a vaginectomy anyways, so that tissue is basically "waste" for me so the surgeon can make some use for it, rather than the other option, which is to take tissue from inside the mouth/cheek area which would be annoying and unnecessary for me then)
- Which method for vaginectomy? (this is cause I've read/heard about several different techniques being used which all have different healing times and complications, plus I just want to know what will be going on with my own body, for obvious reasons I presume)
- What will happen during different surgeries/stages?
- Hair removal? (I really don't know how much of my forests in that general area would need to be removed and with what method (this I will ask the hysto surgeon as well))
- Waiting time, how long? (including the hysto healing time)
- Should I contact again after the hysto, or?
- If I sometime in the future after the surgery need to test for STD's, where would I go for that? (cause I've only ever known about going to a gynecologist, but that's not the place to go for someone with male parts and I just don't know, even though I probably won't be doing a whole lot of penetrating someone else kind of sex, still)

So that's my list, except from the brackets and that I originally wrote it in Swedish instead. For hysto I have a lot fewer questions that I haven't even written down yet. Then it's mostly about clarifying what to be removed and asking about the healing time depending on which procedure they'll go for (laparoscopic or lower abdomen incision), and also about knowing for how long I'll need to stay at the hospital is important due to traveling cause of booking flight/ferry tickets in advance. Perhaps even just going with the larger incision for definite would be a better option so I'll know how long I'll need to stay, or even... asking to get looked at down there so the surgeon can make a more accurate decision on which type of method would actually be possible to do on me and not.

Cause I really don't know. I don't know how "wide" or stretchy my front hole needs to be for that laparoscopic method to work. I know my atrophy there is severe enough to cause a lot of physical pain upon even just the slightest bit of touch, but I'm quite clueless about its current elasticity. I don't feel like asking previous lovers about it as much as I don't feel like force testing it on myself. I've had enough self-rape for a lifetime by now. Strangely enough I'd be more okay with a professional poking around down there, cause at least they'd know what they're doing and be quick about it.

Knowing it's getting closer in time to me being free of the various organs I hate having and getting the rest re-arranged is very damn nice, to say the least. It feels like a sigh of relief, although just a bit of that, a "finally" -kind of feeling. And knowing that it will take quite some time before it's all done (likely years) doesn't bother me at this point. Right now I'm happy as long as things are going in the right direction and not unreasonably slow or appearing to stand completely still. Unreasonably slow for me would be having to wait more than 6 more months just to get the hysto, and more than a year from then until first stage of meta. Unreasonable to me would be so many and severe complications that it would severely mess up my final result and health. I'm counting on complications, at least with the meta, but I'm not counting on severe ones, I just know that they can happen and hope that they won't.

It was so long ago since I last made a blog post I've been wondering what's happened to my writing ability as well as my thought-forming ability, as I haven't written anything except from a few youtube comments in the past several months now. Not even a single poem. Sure, my writing ability has always had its ups and downs, but this is quite extreme for me. I try not to worry about it, but every once in a while I can't help but wonder what's going on. I'm not drawing a whole lot either. The inspiration just isn't there and I have a strong "why bother" feeling that makes me drop the pens before even picking them up.

I spend my days watching youtube videos, playing WoW and listening to music, often in various combinations. On youtube I mostly watch anti-feminism related videos, or videos about random trans stuff on either side of that fence, hair styling, WoW related comic stuff, random science/medicine and history stuff. Sometimes I drink some booze (mostly just one or two drinks about 2-3 times a month), and still working on that cigarette habit. I managed to go down to as little as one cigarette a week, but then something happened (I got an e-cig) and I'm back to about one cigarette a day currently, and more when I drink. I plan on strictly decreasing that consumption starting from very end of September (after the 26th) or beginning of October to be smoke free at least a couple of weeks before the 19th of October for that preliminary hysto date. My main issue now is my psychological addiction to cigarette smoking and not really any nicotine addiction cause I don't get physical symptoms of withdrawal. It's really just a strong, mental craving for the smoke, taste, smell and sensations involved with taking deep drags from cigarettes. I'm confident I'll solve that issue somehow though...

September 24th:
It's Sunday now and I still haven't posted this. But whatever. I almost forgot to mention, that I've started stretching my ear piercing quite recently as well. I started by reading and listening to a lot of information on how to go about it, slowly and safely. Then bought myself a stretching kit of cresent moon shaped jewellery in surgical steel, saving me the trouble of having to buy both tapers as well as plugs or tunnels. Eight of them in various sizes ranging from 1,6 to 8 mm. I look at and hold the biggest one in my hand from time to time, longing to have that one comfortably in my ear. I don't know for sure at what size I'd like to stop, but I doubt I'll ever go beyond 20 mm. At this point either 10 or 12 mm seems like a good goal, but it also depends on what fancy jewellery I'll find and want in what sizes.

Anyhow, that will take forever to get there, so I don't need to over think it just yet. I also bought a cleaning water and sea salt spray and some ear lube, along with a new stud for my lip piercing cause I've lost my old ones. When it all had arrived I gently put in the smallest stretching jewellery of 1,6 mm on August 24th. It went well, and I kept cleaning it regularly. After a few weeks it felt very well healed up, wasn't uncomfortable and felt fresher than ever, so I stretched it up to the next size of 2 mm on September 14th. From then on I have and will stick to that size probably throughout the rest of the year, cause I don't want to mess with my ear more than necessary when I'm gonna have surgery fairly soon (hopefully). Also it got a little irritated from a soap I was using, so I need to be a bit extra caring of it. Nothing bad, just slightly red, dry and itchy next to the hole on the lobe, so it's not even the actual piercing hole that is affected, but a few millimetres closer to my face.

Anyhow, long time no see, and now it'll probably take a while until I'll be back here next time again, if I know myself well enough for now.