Started decreasing my
cigarette intake a few days ago and figured out a very effective way
of smoking often enough for me to not go crazy while still smoking
less: half a cigarette at a time. Might go down to a third of a
cigarette at a time in a few days or so, as I'm only decreasing it by
one per day. Although having been awake across midnight many times, I
don't know when to stop counting for the day before and when to start
counting for the next day. And sometimes when I'm awake barely 10 hours it's easier to smoke a lot less, while other times I'm awake
over 20 hours and then it's significantly harder to stay within the limit
that I've made for myself. I try to fix my sleep pattern but as of
now it's utterly useless and futile.
Yeah I do use nicotine patches but I don't think they're quite strong enough, cause a few days ago it had passed 3 hours since a last half a cigarette and I had started getting shaky. That to me seems like a symptom of a deficiency I'm trying to avoid having. My plan is to be smoke free, not nicotine free. I'm on the strongest dose of patches, but I can't know how much of it my body actually absorbs. It says on the box they'll last for 24 hours and I did have that one on for somewhere around 8 hours at that shaky point, so it shouldn't have started to have less effect already. Not reasonably, at least. So, my solution to that was to slap on two patches for each day instead of just one, which has proved to be a lot more effective. Now I can go 3-4 hours until I smoke my next half a cigarette and it doesn't give me abstinence. I'm not nearly as psychologically addicted to smoking as I used to be as I don't feel much of a wanting to smoke and it's more simply a need, which does make quitting easier, as long as I get a sufficient amount of nicotine in other ways, that is.
Yeah, I'm decreasing my cigarette consumption to eventually quit entirely, as my hysterectomy is coming closer, presumably. I don't have a set date for surgery yet, but the surgeon I saw on May 31st for bottom surgery in general sent a referral to a gynecologist in Stockholm and about a week ago I got a bunch of medical health history papers to fill in for a hysto, as well as a letter saying I'm gonna be scheduled for a consultation with a gynecologist as soon as they get those papers. So it could be weeks, it could be months, and I want to be prepared. Although I'll probably be having one smoke or another every now and then at least until I know more about when that operation will most likely happen.
However it didn't say in the information papers I got that I have to be smoke-free for the surgery. Only that it would be good if I am cause of the healing process, and that I can't smoke at the hospital. That's mainly why I decided to quit smoking for it, to speed up/aid the healing process. Another reason is just in case the gynecologist will tell me I have to be smoke-free despite the info papers not stating that. And the third reason I have is to make it easier to be smoke-free for the metoidioplasty later on. As far as I can "plan" ahead now, I'll try to stay smoke-free for at least the first 2 months after my hysto, then only smoke as seldom as I can manage until metoidioplasty is getting closer. Like maybe one cigarette a week or whatever.
As far as I know, standard is to have to wait at least 6 months between a hysto and more lower surgery (or any surgery for that matter unless it's urgent), to make sure it's completely healed up, fine and dandy and what not. So, will all likelihood I won't get meta done until at earliest mid winter, whether that be late this year (unlikely cause of Christmas being in the way, however I actually wouldn't mind having surgery even on Christmas Eve if that would be possible) or early next year. But I'm preparing myself for that next spring might be more realistic, cause of maybe ending up in a queue/waiting list for that surgery cause the medical system sucks and surgeons are busy people. But I think I should be able to get to have a consultation with that surgeon way before then, who's name is Gunnar Kratz, by the way. I've heard of him being talked about among other trans people on the Swedish online forum at forum.transsexualism.se years ago, back when I visited it frequently and before I forgot my login. But of course I don't remember if what people said about him back then was majorly positive or negative. And I'm getting nowhere trying to research him.
Never mind, I'm getting somewhere. As I just found a Swedish blog post where a trans guy said back in 2016 that Kratz is "en av de främsta" (could be translated to "one of the most respected/best/most preferable" but it's difficult to find a one good translation) surgeons when it comes to genital operations in Sweden. That he had him as his surgeon for meta and was very delighted about that. I then went on to read more about his experiences in his other blog entries and he seems pretty pleased about the outcome, except he's still having issues with complications in the most recent post about it from a month ago. Then I found another entry from which it appears we actually have sex in pretty much the exact same ways and with the same type of people. Interesting...
Okay that's all I can find on that surgeon except from another website of women discussing breast augmentations made by him and a radio website with an episode in which he just explains what the different genital surgeries for both trans men and trans women are. Not much to go on, but it's also not nothing.
I'm actually not overly excited about the hysto, but I do look forward to be free of ever having a period again since just being on testo apparently wasn't enough to reduce that risk to zero, and to not have the slightest risk of getting pregnant. However apparently vaginal bleeding right after surgery is to be expected, as well as after vaginectomy when that's done at the same time as meta (so not during the hysto), so entirely free from the occasional crotch-bleeding I won't be yet for a while. But after everything has healed up after both surgeries, then no more bleeding from that area unless I'd get stabbed there or something. Just the thought of it gives me a deep, calm feeling of relief. To be rid of my female parts, I mean, not potentially getting stabbed in my crotch in the future.
I'm pretty sure what to have removed with my hysto, but I would need to clarify it and ask about it with the gynecologist as it hasn't been specified yet. Sure I'm certain about getting my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes removed which is pretty standard. But would I need to keep my cervix? Probably not but that's something I'm not sure about. But if I'll have that removed too, then I'd probably have to mention that it would likely be for the best to keep as much of the actual vagina up to the cervix as possible, only for the reason that I have no idea how much vaginal tissue or from how deep inside the surgeon doing my meta will need for the urethral lengthening. And I tend to think that the "better safe than sorry" -approach is a pretty good one when it comes to irreversible surgery, as ending up having had too much tissue removed in that situation might not be so good for the final outcome.
It very much feels like I have to be an expert on these kind of procedures to avoid having missed bringing up/discussing some details or misinterpret what the actual experts tell me during consultations and what not. And of course being an expert on my own body as well. At one point a week or so ago I ended up on an English website describing various kinds of genital surgery on females when I looked up vaginectomy, but holy shit I didn't understand half of what was written. A lot of to me very strange words I had no idea what they meant. It was anything from various tools used during surgery to academic words to describe various tissues that looked more like latin than English. Perhaps it was latin, I have no idea. I've noticed that often times such websites do tend to use latin words when referring to different types of blood vessels, muscles and whatever can be found underneath the surface that most people who are not working in the medical field don't often use.
I didn't understand much of what was said on that website despite it being very neat and with drawings to accompany every text that described each part of the procedure. However what I did get was that it's not the type of vaginectomy that is most often performed on trans guys who have no medical issues warranting such a procedure other than being trans, but was more so geared towards people who had vaginal cancer. The difference is that with cancer they have to make sure they remove all tissue affected by it if surgery is required, so with that method they described basically scooping everything out and closing it up or creating a neo vagina if the patient wanted that. But for trans men who don't have cancer in that area but want that procedure done (hence, me) then they do it in another way in which they collapse the walls on the inside and let it heal together, then sometimes they close up the remaining opening which can be up to a couple of inches (5-ish cm) but not every surgeon does that.
So with that method I guess the vagina is still technically in there, but not as a hole but just some goop of tissue that is merged together inside of the body? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter to me as long as it wouldn't cause problems, like tissue death or whatever. This is however said to be a safer method than the more cancer treating geared one, as it's a little less invasive and has less risk of complications. The complications I'm aware of are infection as with any type of surgery, bleedings to varying degrees that also last differently long for different people, bladder and rectum issues as those are close to the area and can accidentally get damaged during surgery, and the wound opening up again at some later point if the entrance/opening remains is closed probably due to movement and/or infection during the healing process maybe. Fair enough, everything comes with risks. But I wonder if I'll get mine closed up or not, cause I still have no clarity on that particular detail. I'll have to ask the surgeon whenever that consultation is gonna happen.
However, back to my hysto thoughts. The reason why I'm not overly excited about the hysto is because it won't change the way I look, apart from some additional scars on my stomach. Apparently they're gonna go for the laprascopic method or try to and if it doesn't work then they'll open me up through the abdomen. Knowing how tight and rigid my front hole is, it might have to come to that, which essentially only means bigger scar and longer healing time. Which would be a bit annoying but whatever. It kinda feels a bit more like "taking out the trash" rather than transformative like mastectomy did or metoidioplasty does/will. But I'll hold onto that future feeling of relief as a motivator for quitting smoking. I wonder if I'll mourn losing my ability to have children. I mean it can happen that I'll feel a certain amount of sorrow over that even though I know I don't want children, ever. More as a natural response to not having that ability anymore, than as a case of actual regret then, I mean. And I know I can't have a vaginectomy and leave all that stuff in there at the same time. Sure, I could theoretically keep one ovary for that reason, but I'd still be unable to carry my own child then, and I know that if I had wanted a child, I wouldn't have it any other way. No, I'm not having doubts, I'm just sharing thoughts that I never did share before but already have gone through several months ago, and writing this down now doesn't even affect me emotionally. Writing a shopping list makes me more emotional. Also years ago. So they're not new for me and I've gone through them and made my decision based on those thoughts as well.
Lowering testo after my hysto. I kinda slightly fear I might have to go back to using testogel then, if nebido is already giving me very high levels of testosterone despite me only taking it once every 14th to 15th week. At the end of each interval (when I'm just about to have a next shot), I'm very close to the max limit of what's considered healthy testo levels for a man. I feel reluctant to having to go back to the gel cause I know I'll most likely forget my daily dosage quite often which would mess up my levels and I remember the hassle of having to apply it every single day. And I'd like to avoid that shit. I know I didn't "officially" take testogel, but only as self medication before I was prescribed anything hormone by an endocrinologist, but I still took it in the recommended dosage and followed the instructions, so as an experience, it counts. But if I can't keep taking nebido after my hysto, I don't think there is any other solution than to go back to the gel. Nebido only comes in 1000 mg per 4 ml vials here according to the universal Swedish medicine list website "fass.se" which lists every medication available, and some outdated ones, as far as I know.
Yeah I've thought of this several times before, for at least the past 7-8 months or so, but it's not like I can actually research how my body is gonna respond to my injected testo after a hysto when my natural estrogen levels will be close to zero. Not even a doctor or endocrinologist can know that before that hysto. It's a wait and see kind of thing. I've actually never heard of any other trans guy who strongly prefers injected testo over gel, so to the point of being reluctant to use gel if he has to. The other way around is much more common, as so many seem to be scared of needles. I'm not scared of the gel, but am reluctant because of having to use it every single day instead of once every third month as I so comfortably do with nebido, making it a kind of hassle that my memory eventually starts to become selective about.
It's the same with my daily medication, that I try to remember taking, but frequently forget because I don't want to take it. But I still very much want the effect. It's a problem I don't know how to work my way around, regardless of what it is I need to remember. Same goes for eating food, sleeping, showering (although that's more an every other day thing, but same principle still applies) and even just using the toilet. Just because of the act itself being so much of an inconvenience and hassle that I subconsciously block it out of my mind without intending to. Having alarms or other reminders don't help because I block them out or ignore them cause of my extreme reluctance.
This pretty much only goes for things I need to do daily (except from showering then) because of the frequency combined with the repetition frustrating me, and because I don't enjoy doing any of those things. And I can't ignore that frustration, I can't talk myself into it often enough to even make it a habit. It's common for most people to have a more difficult time making themselves do necessary things that they don't enjoy, compared to doing things they have an interest in doing, but for me it's very extreme and I'm almost incapable of doing things I do not enjoy without a lot of talking myself into it and forcing myself every single time, even if my life so depended on it. Like with food for example. Apparently that's a very common symptom of adhd and add, which I likely have but haven't been properly tested for yet (I'm on waiting list). And even if I do manage to make it a habit for as much as several months, it's still very likely I will break that habit way too easily again and I'm back at square one. This is essentially why my sleep pattern has been a complete mess for the past 15 years.
I really don't want to mess with my hormone levels like that again, but I just know that if nebido won't work for me after hysto, I will have no other choice cause there just isn't one. If my testo levels sky rocket on nebido and I'm already taking it extremely seldom (it says on fass.se that it's meant to be taken between every 10th and 15th week) I don't think I can reasonably just take it even more seldom and expect that to work. And it doesn't come in smaller dosages. So then I'd have dangerously high levels probably converting into estrogen for I don't know how long after a shot, until it eventually goes down to healthy levels and then take the next shot and it sky rockets again, and so on. I don't think my endo would be completely fine with that situation, and neither would my body. So then alternatively I'll be on a constant fucking roller-coaster of varying testo levels essentially forever until I die of old age while taking the gel cause I can't make myself take it often enough to keep the levels steady instead. Lovely. I guess I'll deal with it then, but I've been wanting to express this concern of mine with my endo, however I don't think I'd get an appointment with her just for that. But maybe I or someone else should inform her about that I am going to have a hysto relatively soon so that it won't come as a complete surprise for her afterwards as it will affect my hormone levels and warrant a new appointment and for more blood tests to be taken again, cause that is an issue that is on her table. So yeah. I don't know.
So there's quite a bit of question marks I kinda need to straighten out at some point or another, but it's either just details about the different surgeries or post-operative stuff I can't possibly know about yet. So it might sound like those are big concerns of mine, but over all it's more like "I'll deal with it". I just wanted to kinda share my thoughts as they go in my head, but there really isn't much of any emotion attached to them, so in the end I kinda shrug instead of worry. This is more just to clarify I've thought of the stuff that might be important to at least have considered, so you know they won't come as a shock to me at some point or another. That I'm aware and quite prepared for all sorts of things by now. Although probably not everything.
I came across a youtube video of/by another trans man who I subscribe to which made me wonder about bottom surgery and its prevalence among other trans men in general again. He pretty much rambled for 10 minutes about that he has bottom dysphoria (it's a very recent video) but doesn't feel comfortable packing and not packing and doesn't want any kind of bottom surgery. It surprised me how often I see this in other trans men about their relationships to their own lower halves, but when it comes to their chests it's pretty damn simple and straight forward: I have chest dysphoria so I'm gonna have top surgery. But when it comes to the lower region, they're very often running in circles, trying to figure out ways to handle their dysphoria other than surgery. I honestly don't get it.
Sure, I had a pretty long period (6,5 years) where I had bottom dysphoria but decided to not go for bottom surgery at that time, but I knew I wanted it someday, because of my dysphoria. I just needed to straighten out my thoughts, feelings and future goals first. I had barely come out of the closet in 2009 when I knew that I wanted to have meta and hysto one day, but I hadn't even begun taking testo yet at that point, so I knew it was very far ahead for me back then. And I didn't re-visit that thought again until sometime in early 2013, when those thoughts of "wanting" to have a child popped up out of nowhere. I hated that it meant I had to reconsider my future bottom surgery plans, so when the time came that I had been on testo for several months, had had top surgery and went to see my surgeon for a follow up and he asked me about bottom surgery, I simply had to tell him that it wasn't of interest to me at that point. It stung saying that to him then, because it was of interest to me, but essentially I couldn't have it because I thought I wanted to get pregnant and have a child.
All the time I knew I actually wanted bottom surgery more than I wanted to have a child, but that surgery would obviously make me infertile so I would have to have the child first, but then it was never a good time or place for that to happen. So I tried to make amends with my lower regions while I waited for the right time to have that child, without being able to find such peace. Instead it got worse, slowly over time until I reached a significant breaking point. And conveniently enough my feelings of "wanting" a child started to wear off at roughly the same time. Perhaps somewhere subconsciously I knew that it wasn't even worth it anymore. My dysphoria was making a hell of a lot more of a mess of me than I could possibly deal with. Waiting any more than absolutely necessary simply wasn't an option. So perhaps that timing wasn't a coincidence. Maybe my extreme increase in bottom dysphoria helped killing off my assumed wish to have a child, along with me simply realising that parenthood was not a responsibility I ever wanted to have or be completely tied to for a very large portion of my future life, that I still actually don't even like children, and to prevent myself from becoming an abusive parent which I could very likely have become if I had decided to continue going for that route. But of course I did lie both to myself and others about how very likely I thought it would be that I would become violent towards my own child if I would have one, to justify having one.
The only thought about that which still somewhat haunt me is: what if Caspian is meant to be my child? In that case he can't be born, ever. Or his soul will bloody have to find another way of getting born here, if he isn't already here somewhere. Souls aren't attached to a certain set of dna, as far as I know. And I'm not giving up bottom surgery a second time for the extremely slim chance of my offspring being him, cause what if it isn't? Adoption next please? People could call me an irresponsible twat for far less. Would I date my own child though? Well, if it actually would have been Caspian, and I'd wait with anything inappropriate until he'd be of legal age, then fuck yeah I would. But it's not going to happen cause I'm getting myself infertile, so chill if you're getting worried now, whoever's reading this. I can openly fantasise about taboo shit that's never gonna be possible in reality, without it hurting anyone in the slightest. Me having biological children is never gonna happen cause I'm not even gonna freeze any of my eggs prior to my hysto and I don't have any frozen ones as of now or from before. So I can fantisise whatever shit I want about my imaginary child, because that child is never possibly going to exist in reality. Thus, no harm can ever come to it, no matter which disturbing places my thoughts may lead me to. I get that it might still be creepy though.
Yeah I do use nicotine patches but I don't think they're quite strong enough, cause a few days ago it had passed 3 hours since a last half a cigarette and I had started getting shaky. That to me seems like a symptom of a deficiency I'm trying to avoid having. My plan is to be smoke free, not nicotine free. I'm on the strongest dose of patches, but I can't know how much of it my body actually absorbs. It says on the box they'll last for 24 hours and I did have that one on for somewhere around 8 hours at that shaky point, so it shouldn't have started to have less effect already. Not reasonably, at least. So, my solution to that was to slap on two patches for each day instead of just one, which has proved to be a lot more effective. Now I can go 3-4 hours until I smoke my next half a cigarette and it doesn't give me abstinence. I'm not nearly as psychologically addicted to smoking as I used to be as I don't feel much of a wanting to smoke and it's more simply a need, which does make quitting easier, as long as I get a sufficient amount of nicotine in other ways, that is.
Yeah, I'm decreasing my cigarette consumption to eventually quit entirely, as my hysterectomy is coming closer, presumably. I don't have a set date for surgery yet, but the surgeon I saw on May 31st for bottom surgery in general sent a referral to a gynecologist in Stockholm and about a week ago I got a bunch of medical health history papers to fill in for a hysto, as well as a letter saying I'm gonna be scheduled for a consultation with a gynecologist as soon as they get those papers. So it could be weeks, it could be months, and I want to be prepared. Although I'll probably be having one smoke or another every now and then at least until I know more about when that operation will most likely happen.
However it didn't say in the information papers I got that I have to be smoke-free for the surgery. Only that it would be good if I am cause of the healing process, and that I can't smoke at the hospital. That's mainly why I decided to quit smoking for it, to speed up/aid the healing process. Another reason is just in case the gynecologist will tell me I have to be smoke-free despite the info papers not stating that. And the third reason I have is to make it easier to be smoke-free for the metoidioplasty later on. As far as I can "plan" ahead now, I'll try to stay smoke-free for at least the first 2 months after my hysto, then only smoke as seldom as I can manage until metoidioplasty is getting closer. Like maybe one cigarette a week or whatever.
As far as I know, standard is to have to wait at least 6 months between a hysto and more lower surgery (or any surgery for that matter unless it's urgent), to make sure it's completely healed up, fine and dandy and what not. So, will all likelihood I won't get meta done until at earliest mid winter, whether that be late this year (unlikely cause of Christmas being in the way, however I actually wouldn't mind having surgery even on Christmas Eve if that would be possible) or early next year. But I'm preparing myself for that next spring might be more realistic, cause of maybe ending up in a queue/waiting list for that surgery cause the medical system sucks and surgeons are busy people. But I think I should be able to get to have a consultation with that surgeon way before then, who's name is Gunnar Kratz, by the way. I've heard of him being talked about among other trans people on the Swedish online forum at forum.transsexualism.se years ago, back when I visited it frequently and before I forgot my login. But of course I don't remember if what people said about him back then was majorly positive or negative. And I'm getting nowhere trying to research him.
Never mind, I'm getting somewhere. As I just found a Swedish blog post where a trans guy said back in 2016 that Kratz is "en av de främsta" (could be translated to "one of the most respected/best/most preferable" but it's difficult to find a one good translation) surgeons when it comes to genital operations in Sweden. That he had him as his surgeon for meta and was very delighted about that. I then went on to read more about his experiences in his other blog entries and he seems pretty pleased about the outcome, except he's still having issues with complications in the most recent post about it from a month ago. Then I found another entry from which it appears we actually have sex in pretty much the exact same ways and with the same type of people. Interesting...
Okay that's all I can find on that surgeon except from another website of women discussing breast augmentations made by him and a radio website with an episode in which he just explains what the different genital surgeries for both trans men and trans women are. Not much to go on, but it's also not nothing.
I'm actually not overly excited about the hysto, but I do look forward to be free of ever having a period again since just being on testo apparently wasn't enough to reduce that risk to zero, and to not have the slightest risk of getting pregnant. However apparently vaginal bleeding right after surgery is to be expected, as well as after vaginectomy when that's done at the same time as meta (so not during the hysto), so entirely free from the occasional crotch-bleeding I won't be yet for a while. But after everything has healed up after both surgeries, then no more bleeding from that area unless I'd get stabbed there or something. Just the thought of it gives me a deep, calm feeling of relief. To be rid of my female parts, I mean, not potentially getting stabbed in my crotch in the future.
I'm pretty sure what to have removed with my hysto, but I would need to clarify it and ask about it with the gynecologist as it hasn't been specified yet. Sure I'm certain about getting my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes removed which is pretty standard. But would I need to keep my cervix? Probably not but that's something I'm not sure about. But if I'll have that removed too, then I'd probably have to mention that it would likely be for the best to keep as much of the actual vagina up to the cervix as possible, only for the reason that I have no idea how much vaginal tissue or from how deep inside the surgeon doing my meta will need for the urethral lengthening. And I tend to think that the "better safe than sorry" -approach is a pretty good one when it comes to irreversible surgery, as ending up having had too much tissue removed in that situation might not be so good for the final outcome.
It very much feels like I have to be an expert on these kind of procedures to avoid having missed bringing up/discussing some details or misinterpret what the actual experts tell me during consultations and what not. And of course being an expert on my own body as well. At one point a week or so ago I ended up on an English website describing various kinds of genital surgery on females when I looked up vaginectomy, but holy shit I didn't understand half of what was written. A lot of to me very strange words I had no idea what they meant. It was anything from various tools used during surgery to academic words to describe various tissues that looked more like latin than English. Perhaps it was latin, I have no idea. I've noticed that often times such websites do tend to use latin words when referring to different types of blood vessels, muscles and whatever can be found underneath the surface that most people who are not working in the medical field don't often use.
I didn't understand much of what was said on that website despite it being very neat and with drawings to accompany every text that described each part of the procedure. However what I did get was that it's not the type of vaginectomy that is most often performed on trans guys who have no medical issues warranting such a procedure other than being trans, but was more so geared towards people who had vaginal cancer. The difference is that with cancer they have to make sure they remove all tissue affected by it if surgery is required, so with that method they described basically scooping everything out and closing it up or creating a neo vagina if the patient wanted that. But for trans men who don't have cancer in that area but want that procedure done (hence, me) then they do it in another way in which they collapse the walls on the inside and let it heal together, then sometimes they close up the remaining opening which can be up to a couple of inches (5-ish cm) but not every surgeon does that.
So with that method I guess the vagina is still technically in there, but not as a hole but just some goop of tissue that is merged together inside of the body? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter to me as long as it wouldn't cause problems, like tissue death or whatever. This is however said to be a safer method than the more cancer treating geared one, as it's a little less invasive and has less risk of complications. The complications I'm aware of are infection as with any type of surgery, bleedings to varying degrees that also last differently long for different people, bladder and rectum issues as those are close to the area and can accidentally get damaged during surgery, and the wound opening up again at some later point if the entrance/opening remains is closed probably due to movement and/or infection during the healing process maybe. Fair enough, everything comes with risks. But I wonder if I'll get mine closed up or not, cause I still have no clarity on that particular detail. I'll have to ask the surgeon whenever that consultation is gonna happen.
However, back to my hysto thoughts. The reason why I'm not overly excited about the hysto is because it won't change the way I look, apart from some additional scars on my stomach. Apparently they're gonna go for the laprascopic method or try to and if it doesn't work then they'll open me up through the abdomen. Knowing how tight and rigid my front hole is, it might have to come to that, which essentially only means bigger scar and longer healing time. Which would be a bit annoying but whatever. It kinda feels a bit more like "taking out the trash" rather than transformative like mastectomy did or metoidioplasty does/will. But I'll hold onto that future feeling of relief as a motivator for quitting smoking. I wonder if I'll mourn losing my ability to have children. I mean it can happen that I'll feel a certain amount of sorrow over that even though I know I don't want children, ever. More as a natural response to not having that ability anymore, than as a case of actual regret then, I mean. And I know I can't have a vaginectomy and leave all that stuff in there at the same time. Sure, I could theoretically keep one ovary for that reason, but I'd still be unable to carry my own child then, and I know that if I had wanted a child, I wouldn't have it any other way. No, I'm not having doubts, I'm just sharing thoughts that I never did share before but already have gone through several months ago, and writing this down now doesn't even affect me emotionally. Writing a shopping list makes me more emotional. Also years ago. So they're not new for me and I've gone through them and made my decision based on those thoughts as well.
Lowering testo after my hysto. I kinda slightly fear I might have to go back to using testogel then, if nebido is already giving me very high levels of testosterone despite me only taking it once every 14th to 15th week. At the end of each interval (when I'm just about to have a next shot), I'm very close to the max limit of what's considered healthy testo levels for a man. I feel reluctant to having to go back to the gel cause I know I'll most likely forget my daily dosage quite often which would mess up my levels and I remember the hassle of having to apply it every single day. And I'd like to avoid that shit. I know I didn't "officially" take testogel, but only as self medication before I was prescribed anything hormone by an endocrinologist, but I still took it in the recommended dosage and followed the instructions, so as an experience, it counts. But if I can't keep taking nebido after my hysto, I don't think there is any other solution than to go back to the gel. Nebido only comes in 1000 mg per 4 ml vials here according to the universal Swedish medicine list website "fass.se" which lists every medication available, and some outdated ones, as far as I know.
Yeah I've thought of this several times before, for at least the past 7-8 months or so, but it's not like I can actually research how my body is gonna respond to my injected testo after a hysto when my natural estrogen levels will be close to zero. Not even a doctor or endocrinologist can know that before that hysto. It's a wait and see kind of thing. I've actually never heard of any other trans guy who strongly prefers injected testo over gel, so to the point of being reluctant to use gel if he has to. The other way around is much more common, as so many seem to be scared of needles. I'm not scared of the gel, but am reluctant because of having to use it every single day instead of once every third month as I so comfortably do with nebido, making it a kind of hassle that my memory eventually starts to become selective about.
It's the same with my daily medication, that I try to remember taking, but frequently forget because I don't want to take it. But I still very much want the effect. It's a problem I don't know how to work my way around, regardless of what it is I need to remember. Same goes for eating food, sleeping, showering (although that's more an every other day thing, but same principle still applies) and even just using the toilet. Just because of the act itself being so much of an inconvenience and hassle that I subconsciously block it out of my mind without intending to. Having alarms or other reminders don't help because I block them out or ignore them cause of my extreme reluctance.
This pretty much only goes for things I need to do daily (except from showering then) because of the frequency combined with the repetition frustrating me, and because I don't enjoy doing any of those things. And I can't ignore that frustration, I can't talk myself into it often enough to even make it a habit. It's common for most people to have a more difficult time making themselves do necessary things that they don't enjoy, compared to doing things they have an interest in doing, but for me it's very extreme and I'm almost incapable of doing things I do not enjoy without a lot of talking myself into it and forcing myself every single time, even if my life so depended on it. Like with food for example. Apparently that's a very common symptom of adhd and add, which I likely have but haven't been properly tested for yet (I'm on waiting list). And even if I do manage to make it a habit for as much as several months, it's still very likely I will break that habit way too easily again and I'm back at square one. This is essentially why my sleep pattern has been a complete mess for the past 15 years.
I really don't want to mess with my hormone levels like that again, but I just know that if nebido won't work for me after hysto, I will have no other choice cause there just isn't one. If my testo levels sky rocket on nebido and I'm already taking it extremely seldom (it says on fass.se that it's meant to be taken between every 10th and 15th week) I don't think I can reasonably just take it even more seldom and expect that to work. And it doesn't come in smaller dosages. So then I'd have dangerously high levels probably converting into estrogen for I don't know how long after a shot, until it eventually goes down to healthy levels and then take the next shot and it sky rockets again, and so on. I don't think my endo would be completely fine with that situation, and neither would my body. So then alternatively I'll be on a constant fucking roller-coaster of varying testo levels essentially forever until I die of old age while taking the gel cause I can't make myself take it often enough to keep the levels steady instead. Lovely. I guess I'll deal with it then, but I've been wanting to express this concern of mine with my endo, however I don't think I'd get an appointment with her just for that. But maybe I or someone else should inform her about that I am going to have a hysto relatively soon so that it won't come as a complete surprise for her afterwards as it will affect my hormone levels and warrant a new appointment and for more blood tests to be taken again, cause that is an issue that is on her table. So yeah. I don't know.
So there's quite a bit of question marks I kinda need to straighten out at some point or another, but it's either just details about the different surgeries or post-operative stuff I can't possibly know about yet. So it might sound like those are big concerns of mine, but over all it's more like "I'll deal with it". I just wanted to kinda share my thoughts as they go in my head, but there really isn't much of any emotion attached to them, so in the end I kinda shrug instead of worry. This is more just to clarify I've thought of the stuff that might be important to at least have considered, so you know they won't come as a shock to me at some point or another. That I'm aware and quite prepared for all sorts of things by now. Although probably not everything.
I came across a youtube video of/by another trans man who I subscribe to which made me wonder about bottom surgery and its prevalence among other trans men in general again. He pretty much rambled for 10 minutes about that he has bottom dysphoria (it's a very recent video) but doesn't feel comfortable packing and not packing and doesn't want any kind of bottom surgery. It surprised me how often I see this in other trans men about their relationships to their own lower halves, but when it comes to their chests it's pretty damn simple and straight forward: I have chest dysphoria so I'm gonna have top surgery. But when it comes to the lower region, they're very often running in circles, trying to figure out ways to handle their dysphoria other than surgery. I honestly don't get it.
Sure, I had a pretty long period (6,5 years) where I had bottom dysphoria but decided to not go for bottom surgery at that time, but I knew I wanted it someday, because of my dysphoria. I just needed to straighten out my thoughts, feelings and future goals first. I had barely come out of the closet in 2009 when I knew that I wanted to have meta and hysto one day, but I hadn't even begun taking testo yet at that point, so I knew it was very far ahead for me back then. And I didn't re-visit that thought again until sometime in early 2013, when those thoughts of "wanting" to have a child popped up out of nowhere. I hated that it meant I had to reconsider my future bottom surgery plans, so when the time came that I had been on testo for several months, had had top surgery and went to see my surgeon for a follow up and he asked me about bottom surgery, I simply had to tell him that it wasn't of interest to me at that point. It stung saying that to him then, because it was of interest to me, but essentially I couldn't have it because I thought I wanted to get pregnant and have a child.
All the time I knew I actually wanted bottom surgery more than I wanted to have a child, but that surgery would obviously make me infertile so I would have to have the child first, but then it was never a good time or place for that to happen. So I tried to make amends with my lower regions while I waited for the right time to have that child, without being able to find such peace. Instead it got worse, slowly over time until I reached a significant breaking point. And conveniently enough my feelings of "wanting" a child started to wear off at roughly the same time. Perhaps somewhere subconsciously I knew that it wasn't even worth it anymore. My dysphoria was making a hell of a lot more of a mess of me than I could possibly deal with. Waiting any more than absolutely necessary simply wasn't an option. So perhaps that timing wasn't a coincidence. Maybe my extreme increase in bottom dysphoria helped killing off my assumed wish to have a child, along with me simply realising that parenthood was not a responsibility I ever wanted to have or be completely tied to for a very large portion of my future life, that I still actually don't even like children, and to prevent myself from becoming an abusive parent which I could very likely have become if I had decided to continue going for that route. But of course I did lie both to myself and others about how very likely I thought it would be that I would become violent towards my own child if I would have one, to justify having one.
The only thought about that which still somewhat haunt me is: what if Caspian is meant to be my child? In that case he can't be born, ever. Or his soul will bloody have to find another way of getting born here, if he isn't already here somewhere. Souls aren't attached to a certain set of dna, as far as I know. And I'm not giving up bottom surgery a second time for the extremely slim chance of my offspring being him, cause what if it isn't? Adoption next please? People could call me an irresponsible twat for far less. Would I date my own child though? Well, if it actually would have been Caspian, and I'd wait with anything inappropriate until he'd be of legal age, then fuck yeah I would. But it's not going to happen cause I'm getting myself infertile, so chill if you're getting worried now, whoever's reading this. I can openly fantasise about taboo shit that's never gonna be possible in reality, without it hurting anyone in the slightest. Me having biological children is never gonna happen cause I'm not even gonna freeze any of my eggs prior to my hysto and I don't have any frozen ones as of now or from before. So I can fantisise whatever shit I want about my imaginary child, because that child is never possibly going to exist in reality. Thus, no harm can ever come to it, no matter which disturbing places my thoughts may lead me to. I get that it might still be creepy though.
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