Fragmenting

"How can learning be a purpose? It's a preparation, but a preparation for what?" - late night thoughts about the meaning of life, while stumbling across something I needed to hear on youtube. Somehow he tells me that I'm just like those SJW's, but in a different way and with a different target. Or that's what's suddenly clicking in my head. I hold on, desperately, to a community that I've never felt like I belong to, and I try to fight for their rights when most of them don't even agree with me. Is it pointless? I vaguely remember something I thought quite some time ago. I think I was on the balcony to one of my illegally rented apartments in Uppsala when I had that thought. It was something like "I want the whole world to end, and I don't care if it starts with me."

Now it has found its way back to me, like a barely voiced reminder whispering: "you wanted this, you wished for it, then why fight it?" I really should learn to be careful with what I wish for. Like really, it's having devastating effects on my life. What if both God and Satan are both fulfilling my wishes in different and sometimes opposite ways, and it's causing a fucking harrowing mess. I don't dare to believe I'm truly that powerful, it would be insane. And I'm not saying that I do believe that. It's just a thought that hit me, and I don't put any weight on it. I don't see how my blatant, nihilistic, depressive and selfish wishes throughout my life have somehow affected the entire world around me, no matter my origin, and no matter my relationship with either God or Satan. That's absurd. But it also feels eerily absurd that these things happen after I've made those wishes. I think all I'm saying is that I'm probably reading way too much into coincidences, at the same time as fearing I might have some kind of divine power that I really don't want nor could possibly handle the responsibility over. If I couldn't even handle the thought of having the responsibility over one human child, then a whole world...? Almost as frightening as immortality.

It reminds me of how I all the more feel like I'm losing my grip over myself, which that guy in that youtube video talks about too. He does give me the impression of being highly intelligent and quite enlightened too, but I'm starting to wonder cause as time passes more other people seem to become smarter in my eyes as I just seem to become dumber. It feels like my mind is rotting. How I struggle so much more than usually to find words, sentences, anything, to describe my thoughts, feelings and experiences. They fall apart before they even begin. I feel like I'm losing my language and I can't pull it back to myself. Maybe I've been lying and manipulating myself and others too much until I don't know what is true anymore. I feel relieved and empowered by the darkness at the same time as I feel it's breaking me.

I don't have any solutions, as usual. It's 4:30 in the morning so I'll probably continue watching that video later on after I've gotten some sleep. I know that what I did in the quite recent past last year and beginning of this year is and has been affecting me more than I'd like to admit. Not so much on a directly emotional level, but intellectually as well as on a deeper level I don't know exactly what to call. How my nightmares as I sleep seem to be trying to tell me messages that I either forget as I wake up again or refuse to acknowledge, how I feel as though my mind is somehow fragmenting and I jump to odd conclusions and extreme explanations that really don't explain much of anything at all, how I'm grasping at straws but keep falling into the water, and how much hatred is filling up within me these days. I don't know where that hatred comes from, or if it's mainly targeted at myself or the world around me. I wonder if the way back to myself is forward.

But I still hold my belief that something, I don't know what, is trying to keep me from finding my way back to myself the way I was. That I'm supposed to want to enlighten and develop as a person but I object it and I refuse it unless it leads me to where I actually want to be. I'm not really talking about other people wanting for me to want something that I don't want, but this powerful force that may come from within myself or from somewhere in the cosmos for all I know, that is making me suffer from the choices I've made. It feels more like some kind of mental punishment than anything related to what I think or feel. I still don't feel remorse or empathy, but I don't make sense either. I can either keep on going or back down, and I'm probably not gonna do the latter, but I think this means that I'm gonna face more and other forms of resistence than I had first counted on. Not only do I set my own morals which society does not agree with, but apparently nature and my own subconscious don't agree with them either. But can I go against my own mind? Suddenly, the thought of how strong my willpower is gets an entirely new meaning.