Paths to ruin

I had a couple of dreams that were a bit more intense than usually. They were connected, but I got them separately. The first one at night just before I was abruptly awoken by some damn sales-woman calling me on my phone around 11 am (then calling me 3 times more later on as I hung up on her mid sentence), and the second one while I was napping some amount of hours later.

In the first one I was someone else, a random girl I didn't know, and she was tortured by some psycho killer or whatever. Some unknown type of person whom I never actually encountered. However he was poisoning her/me which gave a set of nasty symptoms. First all the teeth would fall out, but it wasn't like they just popped out, no it was much worse. I remember the crunching sound of them breaking in my mouth, the taste of blood, the intense pain and how it was impossible to bite down because of the intense pain and discomfort. There were metal needles sticking out from my gums (about a cm long, sharp) from between where each tooth had once been and I wonder if it was some kind of braces. There were sharp pieces left of some of the teeth that I kept hurting myself on. My entire mouth started swelling up and I was uncontrollably screaming and crying out in horror.

Then I switched to being another person, presumably the actual me, and I was a bystander. The girl was still in the dream, but I wasn't her anymore. Now she was the girlfriend of some random friend of mine. No one I know in reality, just some guy. However, the girl who had lost all her teeth now started to really deteriorate from the poison. She lied down on a dirty mattress in the dark, dirty room we all were in (these kind of gloomy spaces often appear in my dreams as the setting or scene) as she slowly lost conscience and her skin started to blacken in various places. Eventually she didn't move or respond at all, but was still alive. The boyfriend was extremely upset and desperately tried to find solutions and keep her alive, but to no avail.

Somewhere around that point I woke up by that stupid phone call, and I wanted to know what would happen to the girl if I had not been interrupted and kept on dreaming. In the next dream, the girl was around again, but it was my sister this time, and this was now some time after what had happened in the previous dream. Our parents had somehow managed to save her from the poison, and she was recovering. Still fragile, scared and always either upset or apathetic, she was well enough to walk around, eat food again (don't know how without the teeth) and interact with her family. We were all having dinner at one point when I for some reason lashed out on her and attempted to hurt/attack her.

My parents got both angry and scared but they didn't need to stop me, as I quickly realised what I was doing and fled the room and ran out of the house. Slammed the door so hard that the handle fell off on the outside. My parents yelled at me from the kitchen window. They yelled what was I thinking going to attack my sister, as well as telling me that they can't open the door again now, that I was locked out. I was mostly upset cause I had left my cigarettes indoors. Then I woke up from that dream too.

I think it might make sense that the girl in these dreams were supposed to be Anna. I know that all people in one's dreams are always the dreamer him-/ or herself, meaning all people in my dreams are me, but Anna is somehow a part of me, so I do think it's possible that my subconscious can make that distinction too. What strikes me is that yeah, I'm probably gonna hurt Anna more and more in the future, for various reasons, but the thing is that there is no solution to make both of us content and not suffering. In the end, one of us will always be hurt by the other. Or such is my belief. And I'm done sacrificing my own peace for hers. I need it to be reversed, much rather than that.

However, I realise that either way, there will always be conflict and if I hurt her, I subconsciously hurt myself in the process, because we're linked and joined. If I'll drown her, I'll start breathing water too. I've chosen a certain path for this life, that will most likely ruin me in the end. I don't regret anything, but somehow the thought "maybe I shouldn't have" sneaks into my mind from down below in the murky depths of my mind, like a faint whisper.

That's one of those thoughts that are too heavy to hold for too long; that carry too much, too intense meaning; capable of tearing up all the wounds at once in a heartbeat. I have to handle it very carefully. All I've ever seen is paths to ruin, one way or another. I need to keep up keeping myself divided from Anna, and view us as two separate beings. I don't want to become who I should have been had we not split. I resent it like nothing else. I'm scared of what that kind of future would mean. So I can't have us integrating, and that I just know, would be the only way to heal. So ultimately, I'm choosing to discard healing. That's what I mean by "path to ruin" like I'll always carry content and satisfaction in one hand for the choices I've made, but incredible pain and conflict for the consequences of those choices in the other.