Pick a hell and go with it

I need to ask myself this but fuck I don't want to... Have I really tried enough? Cause the fatality of my mind is that I keep trying my very best yet failing miserably. But can I afford to fail my own body? Is the price not too high to pay? Fucking hell.

Cause I keep stumbling across Buck Angel's posts on facebook as he makes them rather often and they're on my feed. And it feels as though it's a sign that I shouldn't disregard his message as not applicable to me. But all of my essence wants to disregard it as inapplicable. Every essence of me! How should I approach this?

Cause I can't ignore it anymore. One more try, I have to. Am I desperate? Am I trying too hard, or have I not yet tried hard enough? Of course I'm desperate. But the second question I do not know the answer to. I'm spinning in circles and cannot find a way out. I'm dizzy and nauseous with existential dread. Buck's message, for all this time, has always been: embrace your vagina. But how can I? How can I even just try to imagine being like this forever without crying? Without wishing I'd rather be dead? I can't imagine cancelling surgery without it tearing me up from the core.

But maybe I have to. If it's really all or nothing, as I keep saying, and I'm struggling more and more to think having the surgery will actually improve my life, and I like having sex with my vag again... perhaps it would be better to just cancel it all off and keep my genitals as they currently are. Just writing that sentence gave me a literal chest pain and made my head spin. I have to face this; I have to be honest with myself. Hear out my own, real, true, honest thoughts and feelings that I'd rather not acknowledge. That I wish weren't there at all. How can I, how could I, now what do I do? Breathe, that's always a good start. And stay calm.

It's just a thought; it can't hurt me. But hell, it makes my heart race and ties my stomach into a knot. I hate my pussy but it's obvious I can't truly live without it. I hold onto it for dear life. The dick I crave to have, I can't have. What use would I have for metoidioplasty anyway? Did I ever ask myself that? Cause no, I bloody didn't. What would I do with it? Too small to penetrate with and likely too small to stand up to pee with as well. Then what? A dick doesn't really have any other functions. If I'd get that surgery, I'd only limit what I can do with my genitals more, for looks. Is that even worth it? No it's bloody not!

Maybe I should, for two seconds, focus off from my vag and consider the rest of that vulva mess for a bit. I hate that I have a pussy, in general, cause I'm a guy and there just should be a dick there instead. But there isn't one and you know what? Ftm SRS fucking sucks. I wish it was better, that it could give me a fully sized, fully sensate and fully functional dick. But all I have to choose from is a tiny, fully sensate dick with little to some function that looks good - or a fully sized, not very sensate and somewhat functional dick that looks bad. It's not good enough, and I hate to say it, but it frustrates me to no fucking end. That I just can't get what I need, and I don't think what's available would suffice. Because it's not a replacement... it's a reduction.

Fucking hell, even if I opt out of it, I still need to get that damn hysto. Cause I need to stop my ever so constant anxiety about possibly ending up pregnant or my uterus getting a random hiccup again and causing periods to happen. I've had constant anxiety about that for at least the past almost 2 years now. So getting that stuff thrown out of there is something I never have any doubts over. And I should get it done before I'm starting to doubt that too, cause I should NOT be reproducing, and I've always wanted to stay on testo forever. So I need to get that trash taken care of, whatever else I do or don't do.

This means something else though, doesn't it? If I'd go that route, I won't ever be able to open up to a therapist about my dark past. Not if I still want to have the option to possibly have SRS later on when techniques get better or whatever. My entire body suddenly feels so heavy in my chair, like it's trying to sink through it and through the floor as well, and hide itself in the dirt beneath the building. But all I can think and truly feel about my vag, especially right now, is "I want to keep it, I need it in my life" whether I hate it or not. To hell with you, to fucking hell with you...

It's not really my choice, you know. All I can do is measure my random feelings and see which one wins. Using logic is really just a way to calculate those random feelings to make sure the calculation is correct, but the choice is not mine. The choice, is my random, unchosen, subconscious feelings'. And it breaks my heart, it breaks it, it shatters it. Knowing that, stings even more. For fuck's sake, I need to stop flinging myself into mental walls like this. The pendulum can't swing further than this, it's making 360 turns at this point. No damn surprise that I'm dizzy...

Dare to try... imagine the unimaginable... despite my entire mind fighting it. I have to, if it will so make me literally vomit. Go out for a smoke. Bring a bucket. Let that thought rape my mind a bit. It's not like I haven't put myself through worse. I'll handle it. Somehow. Well, at least I opened that pandora box, although I didn't really dare to step into it. Only dipped my toes in it. I got so close to the finishing line, I don't want to realise that maybe there is no finishing line for me. That I might need to just keep going. The thought is drowning my flame. It would be very difficult to keep it burning. The lyrics of the song playing right now just hit me like a brick wall in my face: "One of these days you're gonna realise just what you've thrown away." It has me gasping.

If I don't do it, it's gonna ruin me.
If I go ahead with it, it's gonna ruin me.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't...
I should just pick a hell and go with it.

But I can't do it! I just can't... and I can't live with myself if I do it and then regret it... then I'd rather keep it, wish I had done away with it, cause then I could still potentially do it later. But I probably shouldn't, considering how inconsistent I've always been about this. It's the one decision I cannot possibly make. It's not a difficult decision, it's literally impossible. Cause it's been nine years, nine fucking years, of trying to make this decision and I'm still back at square one. To hell with it then. If I can't decide, I shouldn't do it.

I suddenly feel so lost. Life... where do I take it now? Well yeah, I still have to try to start whoring, cause I know I'd rather have sex with my current equipment than what I'd have post-op, and I guess just that says quite a lot. That I wouldn't even enjoy having sex with my post-op parts, or at least I don't think I would enjoy it as much. Having sex with a pussy of my own, I think will always be more fun than if I had a dick instead. At least that's somewhat of a pale comfort. I shouldn't cry, I should try to embrace it instead. It feels so good to get that pussy fucked. Embrace that, and enjoy it wholeheartedly. Don't care so much about gender. I look mostly male and pass clothed. If I just worked harder to start exercising and building more muscle mass, I could look really good and manly. I'd have a lot higher chance of making success in the sex work industry if I still have that "bonus hole" as I do enjoy that kind of sex now. Post-op trans guys really are not a hit in that line of work.

Fuck, if Buck Angel can look like a total man while still having a pussy and be the bloody king of tranny porn, then so can I and I'll be the prince of tranny porn. If I just gave it a damn chance. Yeah, practicing karate, going to gyms, swimming pools and what not, will be difficult to manage. That's the biggest hurdle of them all. That's what I can't make myself do at this point. I'm too self-conscious and feel too vulnerable. I guess I need to toughen up some more, huh? Leather skin isn't enough, bring on the steel. Oh hell, it's gonna hurt to get there, but it might just be worth it. Cause no, I can't trade in my 1st class pussy for a 3rd class dick. I just can't. Not with my passion for sex. You get that right? I have a passion for sex. It's my 4th interest, but I never recognised it as such, or noticed it, until recently. That's why I can't draw or write or play WoW these days, cause I'm too occupied with my 4th passion. And that, not the surgery, but my passion for sex: is what I realise I can't throw away.

Give me more time, I need to be sure, as I keep saying. But now I've flung myself in the complete opposite direction of last time's conclusion on this topic, that I should probably cancel the surgery entirely. Not do vaginectomy and not do metoidioplasty either, but I will and still want to get the hysterectomy done. However, if I'd cancel all the other stuff, then I'll probably have start over and get the hysto done at another hospital which could happen sooner, but not likely if I'm gonna keep at it like this up until the day I get a surgery date booked... I've never thrashed myself so bloody over a single decision before. But, not a single physical wound have I caused myself over it. I'm okay... somehow. And these days, I dare to put myself through the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings I never would have before, because I know they can't harm me, and because I'm stronger than before. That has me almost believing, that I might make it even without the surgery. And I might make it better. But it would be even harder.

That flying from a cliff metaphor I used last time I wrote about this, doesn't seem so fitting anymore. Cause I don't think those wings will carry me. It was just wishful thinking. I'm gonna have to climb down that cliff and walk towards my goal instead, or I might hurt myself really badly. As much as it hurts to know, humans can't fly. But I still know there are other means of traveling. Cause that's the real reality that I don't want to face. There's no fucking fantasy fairytale ending, and I can't treat my dysphoria. I'm just gonna have to learn to live with it. Now I really want to break something.

Self-exploratory therapy, part three

Let's call this part 3 then. I did get another experience of experimenting with my vag yesterday, however I was a bit tipsy, so I'm taking it with a grain of salt. Cause drunk sex (whether masturbation or with someone else) is different from how it is sober. Most importantly it's less likely to be painful due to my dulled senses. I've noticed something else though, with the atrophy, which is that even when I'm being super careful and super over-lubed, penetration does cause micro-tears and I bleed a little. Like extremely small amounts of blood, it just makes the lubrication slightly pinkish in tone and doesn't cause any pain. However, that might be another sign of its fragile state.

I have a doctor's appointment for my runny nose issues at the local health district here in Hemse on Thursday (29th) and my thought is to go to the pharmacy (in the same building) after that appointment and see if I can swallow enough of my pride to actually buy that "Vagifem" stuff, cause I'm pretty sure they have it. But oh dear... I've got my heart all the way up in my throat about how extremely dysphoric I'd be buying that stuff, and people seeing me buy it, and staff asking me about why I intend to buy it. Cause I look like a cis guy and those don't tend to have vaginal issues, or vaginas at all. I don't want to out myself as trans, but might have to. I don't want to talk about having a vagina or having such issues, but again I might have to. And it turns me into a ball of anxiety. But at the same time I think that route would be easier for me to handle than going to a gyno about it. And also quicker than waiting for an appointment.

But, it is an experiment, and I'd see it as such. But I also wouldn't consider trying it if I didn't think my issues could be treated with that stuff. I've heard enough about trans guys and their vag issues while on testo, and about local estrogen treatments as a good solution for it, to feel confident enough that that's what I might be in need of myself. But I also am aware of the sketchiness of taking medication for a self-diagnosis, and that I should go to a doctor about it first, and not just go on a freaking hunch.

I just want to be more sure about if I even want to keep the vag or not before I start to invest more publically in it, if that makes sense. Cause again, I don't want for it to become an issue with whether I'll have it removed or not. Like if I'll start telling gynos and what not that I think I'll keep the vag but then it says somewhere in my medical file that I plan to have it removed, that could get tricky. So, I'd rather be more certain that I might want to keep it enough to at least not worry about the surgeons or other staff at Linköping's hospital to find out about my vag-doubts.

I guess I'm worried about surgeons thinking I'm being indecisive and shouldn't get the surgery at all, if I'm acting indecisive all of a sudden. So I want to act like, if I'll change my mind, to be very clear and secure about such a decision.

If my vag would turn out to be useless for sex after surgery with the UL and all, there would be no point in me keeping it around. And getting rid of it then, would be better, as far as I see it. However, I also need to think about that. Like would I really take such a huge risk? That having the surgery could make the vag useless, so would it really be worth that risk if I'd prefer to keep it? If I really would want to keep it for the sole purpose of getting it fucked, then keeping it with the risk of never being able to do that again, might be a bit backwards. But also, if I'd skip out of the UL as well, then it's honestly starting to come to the question of: then what's the point of getting surgery at all? And then I've made a 180 in circular logic with dysphoria face-slapping me again.

The point of having surgery at all is for me to alleviate as much of my dysphoria as possible, but preferably without fucking up my sex life too much. And that's a very difficult, if not impossible, act to balance. I feel like I have to take some risks. My thought is to go ahead with the UL which is used with vaginal tissue, but then also be quite quick (but not too quick) in the healing process to soften and stretch the scar tissue after that and hope it won't be too big of an impact. But I'm not dumb. I know I already have issues with being too tight and too rigid, having both those aspects worsened further would be a huge fucking issue. I might not be able to ever get anything thicker than a pinky finger in there. That alone, stresses me out to no end. But I need that fucking UL! Argh... And no, of course they don't do the mouth tissue grafts for that here in Sweden. It's vag tissue or no UL at all. I want to rip my issues in pieces and stomp on them.

They've passed the point of being annoying. Now they're aggravating and distressing. And I need to come to a fucking conclusion on what the fuck to do about my damn pussy. Jeez. It's been 9 years, NINE fucking years, and what have I figured out in that time? "I'd like meta, but I also like my pussy. I have severe dysphoria that severely impacts my life negatively, but I really like taking a good pounding in my pussy cause it gives me really awesome orgasms. I can't choose. Please help me before I do something regrettable." Because the issue is that I can't keep it as it is, and I can't get rid of it either and it tears me apart trying to come to any damn decision.

I need to know what my heart is trying to tell me. And I don't just want to hear some frantic "keep it, keep it, keep it" but I also need a solution to what to do about the dysphoria, if I would keep it. Cause listen here you fuck up of a heart: I can absolutely opt out of one or some other or all surgical procedures, but only if you can give me another solution to my issue of having constant, severe, soul-crippling dysphoria, which you seem to happily ignore. And if you can't give me any other option than any or all surgical procedures but just keep flailing at me, then I'm going to ignore you and go ahead with the surgery as bloody planned, capito?!

Yeah, trying to reason with an emotional blob of a heart, huh. I don't know how to interpret my emotions. I don't know what they truly want or how to possibly both treat my dysphoria and keep the vag at the same time. Because I don't think that's possible. It makes me want to tear my heart out. That annoying, bloody emotionally overloaded fucktard of a blob. I wish I could just throw it out of my body and live without a heart. Believe me I've tried, at least figuratively. I need to have a functional sex life, whether I'd want to use that as for a profession (sex work) or not. I can't possibly be or become mentally healthy with a sex life that's ruined forever. But I also can't get mentally healthy with untreatable dysphoria. Cause by the looks of it now, it seems I really do have to choose between treating my dysphoria but ruin my sex life - or keep my sex life but get ruined by my dysphoria.

Who can ever make such a decision without beating themselves bloody over it? That's like having to choose between your mental health and your physical health. I don't think you'd want to live without either of them. I feel trapped in an impossible situation. Up until recently, I've been trying to force myself to just go through with it for the sake of treating my dysphoria before it kills me. But now my heart is screaming at me at a deafening volume that that's somehow the wrong decision and I'm lost. Because the only other decision is not working either, because I'm living in it already and it's going straight to hell.

I've always swung between extremes. Now I'm stuck in the middle of two extremes, unable to swing to either direction. The sheer irony of that, beats my fucking head in. It's so incredibly hard to throw away something you've cherished and loved and still somewhat do, cause it's causing you a lot of harm. You know you have to, but you can't make yourself give it up. I wonder if people who have had to get a limb amputated go through a similar struggle to this. I've no idea if it's even remotely comparable, cause I've never had to give up a limb for medical reasons. Not a limb I'd rather keep. So I don't count my tits, because I never felt any kind of attachment/connection to them, and losing them wasn't hard at all. It was only a relief, even though I did get some post-op dysphoria about the scars. I never regretted or thought I would regret losing the tits themselves. So that's not comparable, even though that was me technically "losing limbs" because it wasn't a mental struggle.

But making a decision about my vag has me struggling harder and more rabidly than anything ever has before. I'm so extremely conflicted about it I don't know what to do at all. It feels like I need to get rid of it cause of the medical condition dysphoria severely impacting my life quality negatively - but I don't want to lose it cause of how nice it feels to have it used sexually. Both sides of that conflict are growing equally stronger and more heartbreaking by the day. Fight, fight to the death, and then tell me which one of you two survived.

I need to cry about this, at some point or another. I'm gonna need to release this immense internal pressure eventually, cause it's making me implode when I need for it to explode. It's turning me into a black hole that just keeps sucking in more tension the more I bottle up. I'm creating more monsters into my subconscious. I'm not good at handling my emotions or being honest with myself, and I'm very likely gonna get some very hard lessons in both of those, and I'm likely gonna learn it the hard way. If I'll go for having the vaginectomy, it's gonna fuck me up. But I might not have any other, better, choice. It might be the only reasonable thing I can do. But at the same time also the most emotionally painful and upsetting thing I ever could put myself through. Just keep those razorblades, knives and nooses far, far, far away from me. And provide me with lots of tea and hugs.

I feel such a heavy, huge lump in my chest the size of a basket ball made of lead, at just the thought of choosing the vaginectomy. Now knowing I can enjoy that kind of sex again... throwing it away forever, weighs very heavily on my heart. Don't fight it, don't fight it, John. Let yourself feel. It's the only way to get past it, and over to the other side. No one's here to see you crash anyway, so no need to hold back. Don't hold back. Release that pressure, or it won't go away, but only increase. Perhaps a cigarette on that.

An extreme amount of self care, and the best ever kinds of it, will be extremely necessary. I don't know how to possibly handle it. I fear it. I hurt for it. But I can't cry. I can't release that internal pressure. I'm so, so, so sorry, my heart. I mean it, I truly do. I don't have words to express how sorry I am. I'm aching with you. I'll hold you all the way through, I'll care for you as well as I possibly can. I'll let you release whatever you have bottled up inside you. I won't fight you, I'll stroke your tears away. You have every right to be upset. But I can't just take your request and go with it. It's not a solution, and I'm in a desperate need for a solution. Without an alternative, I have nothing. You know as well as I do that we've tried everything else already and nothing has helped. You know that the decision to get surgery did not come out of the blue, you know we tried everything to avoid it. You know it's the last, absolutely last, resort. And it's terrifying that we have to go for that last resort, but please, trust me. I would never go for it if there was any other solution. We have to.

Cause it pains me so much, to give that up. Permanently. With irreversible surgery. It's more than just terrifying to say "yes" to such a procedure knowing I'll miss it, not being able to ever get it back again. Such a sacrifice, it shouldn't have to be made. And the irony of causing myself such tremendous emotional pain for the sake of easing emotional pain, is not easy to wrap my head around to begin with. It has me lost and nauseous. It makes my head spin and ties knots in my heart and stomach. It makes me want to vomit. But there's just no other way. I'm gonna have to find other ways to get sexual release without the existence of my vagina. I'll miss it tremendously, but I know I'll be at peace without this dysphoria. I'll be sad, but I'll be alive. And now, very symbolically, my pussy hurts too. Perhaps it too knows, that it can't escape what's coming.

Making this decision really made me rabid. I know I made up my mind long ago, but I can't for the life of me accept my own decision. I'm fighting it furiously, despite knowing it's the only good thing I can do. It's not about being "male enough" or being accepted by others. It's about being accepted by myself and finding peace within myself. It's about reducing the horror of living with this incurable medical condition that I got a very severe degree of, and trying to solve a seemingly impossible conflict between contradicting emotions that fight each other bloody. So it's not even my emotions against my logical reasoning, it's two different aspects of my emotional side that can't agree. It's a fight between two equal opponents that both refuse to lose. It exhausts me so much to be in the middle of. I need for the fight to stop just as much as I need to alleviate my dysphoria. Cause it's hell to live with, and I can't continue down that road. I don't want to lose such an integral aspect of my sex life and pleasure, but I know I have to give it up for the sake of alleviating that dysphoria. I know there's no other way. I wish there was, oh fucking hell, if only there was another way...

And every time I come back to the decision of going with getting the hole closed up, it hurts and pains me more and more each and every time. It feels like for every time, something more breaks inside of me. I can't think of a time in my life I've had to make a more difficult decision. Not even breaking up with Y can top this. Not even remotely. That was a small hill compared to this massively massive mountain.

I know that the more I play with my pussy and like it, the more difficult it is to say goodbye to it. But I also know that I would hate myself afterwards if I hadn't made the most if it while I still had it. So I'm gonna use it, I'm gonna try to give myself the best possible orgasms and the best possible pleasure with it, for as long as I still have it. As well as trying to deal with the ever increasing dysphoria. The wait for surgery is strangely extremely stressful yet something I'm equally as impatient for. It almost stops time. No matter how much more difficult it will make it to give it up, I will use it like never before and enjoy it as much as I possibly can. There is no painless or simple way out of this, so I might as well take my pussy for the ride of its life, an unforgettable adventure, then cry rivers upon rivers over losing it forever. Like killing a best friend, because it's also my worst enemy. My life is pain, always has been. It wants for me to get the most intense possible experiences, to get the most powerful lessons. I know it does, cause I chose it. I wanted the crash course, now deal with it.

I just watched a video on youtube, some philosopher who talked about the struggles of making hard decisions, and it made me realise something. Perhaps it's not the decision itself I'm struggling to accept... but the person that I am, and the feelings that I have. I mean, I was certainly on that track, but perhaps worded it differently. Cause I think it's pretty obvious that I struggle to accept myself, but maybe I didn't connect that struggle to the decision, but rather saw it as a separate struggle. That philosopher also said that when struggling to choose between two difficult decisions, most people end up going with the easiest one.

But I know I'm a bit further ahead and know myself better than most people know themselves, which is probably why I'm heading for the harder decision of my two choices. Because I've already learned that the harder choice is usually the one to give you the best and most worthwhile experiences. I know and have already accepted (although reluctantly) that "the hard way" is the most valuable way to learn anything. While maybe most other people, at least those of around my age, have not yet come nearly as close to accept that.

She also talked about that often times it's not even about which choice is "the best one" cause they can't be measured scientifically, but in value. One of the issues with my own philosophical thinking, is that I go very far, but unintentionally skip important steps on the way. Like heading from point A to point K but skip points C, F, G and J on the way. Cause I just miss or don't see them. And then once I've gotten to point K I realise that I can't manage to get over to point L cause of the missing points before. So I have to go back and check what went wrong or do it all over from the start again. But I can't steer the directions of my thoughts without a compass. They just end up wherever they happen to end up, and usually there is no stopping them until they run out of fuel.

I know that when I come back to the point of deciding to go for the vaginectomy, I'm back to where I'm supposed to be. So no, it's not really that I can't make the decision whether to keep it or get rid of it. It's that I struggle to accept the harshness of reality. So I keep falling back into trying to find ways to keep it even though I know that's not a wise decision. It's the old back-tracking, the old keep trying to make the impossible work. The two year old me furiously trying to put together two puzzle pieces the wrong way, over and over, expecting a different result each time. Refusing to accept the reality that no matter how many times I clink the two pieces together in the wrong way, it will never work.

It's strange when I think about it like that. That I can so very perfectly compare the behaviour I presented as a 2 year old toddler to the behaviour I'm exhibiting now at age 28. It must be a permanent glitch in my mind somehow. A glitch in the matrix that just keeps repeating itself on a constant loop in different situations of my life, but in pretty much the same way. And nowadays, I'm trying beyond hard to find ways around that glitch. To stop myself in my tracks and ask myself "What makes me think it's gonna work this time? Or do I just want for the impossible to be possible? How about we work with what actually is possible instead?" and I feel like I'm at somewhat of a crossroad in my life now, where I'm forced to stop trying the same thing in the same impossible way, forced to look myself in the mirror, take the two puzzle pieces, turn only one of them and put them together the only one way they're intended to connect. And that brings me to yet another realisation: I'm one of those puzzle pieces, the world around me is the other, and I've been trying to turn the world but all I can do is turn myself to face the world.

I've always struggled to change myself for reality. It comes with the territory of loving yourself but hating the world. You don't want to change yourself then, but want the world to change for you. And forcing myself, that I love, to change for the world, that I hate, is the hardest thing I can do. I don't mean changing for other people. I mean changing aspects of myself to fit with the reality I didn't choose to be in. As in me changing my body to fit the reality of my mind. But of course the same notion can be applied to many different things, but ultimately comes down to wanting to change what you cannot and not wanting to change what you can. I think that's why my heart is screaming, hurting and crying so badly right now. Because I can't change what I want to, but can change what I don't want to. And that has me lashing out in all directions at once like some kind of fucked up rabid dog on acid.

Because the world is wrong. Because reality is wrong. And my refusal to accept that things are the ways they are has me ripping in pieces and spinning in circles. I don't know if I should just try to force myself to accept it, or try to come to some kind of acceptance. But at least this has given me a lot of insight about myself. Now I see why this is so hard for me. And it dates all the way back to when I was a toddler... Exploring my sexual vag pleasure probably won't lead to much of any revelations. I think I was digging in the wrong part of my brain. It's not really the body part or the sex aspect or the gender aspect that are the real issues in my struggle with this decision - it's my refusal to accept the reality for what it is. That I have severe dysphoria that is not gonna go away without the surgery that will remove much of my sexual pleasure. It's harsh. It's a very cruel reality to accept.

That is the cruelty of the reality I'm in, but no matter how much I kick and scream about it, it won't change that reality. All I can do is try to find peace within myself, mourn my past, and do the best I can of the future ahead of me. Yes, it will be for the better, but it will also be an immense sacrifice to make for that greatness. See it a bit like having to jump off a cliff in order to fly, and you're extremely scared of heights. You know you won't fall, you know that as soon as your feet leave the edge your wings will lift you. But your fear of that height itself holds you back. It makes you dizzy, nauseous, like you need to vomit, your head is spinning, but you know you have to or you'll spend the rest of your life on that cliff edge, wishing that you could fly. And I've lived my entire life so far on that cliff edge, I can't do it anymore, I can't stay here. So if I so have to go out crying and screaming, I'm gonna take off from that edge. Cause I know my wings will carry me. I won't fall, I won't die. I have a future ahead of me out there, and I need it, I want it, my entire being yearns for it. I can't let some fear of heights stop me from reaching that future. So I'll do it. But fucking hell it won't be easy.

Self-exploratory therapy, part two

Okay, round two... here we go for the second time. Or went, cause I'm writing about the experience afterwards. And damn. Damn! Got a little change of plans, cause it didn't work out practically how I had decided upon yesterday. With a plug in my butt and half the double dildo in the front. That thing isn't as bendy as I'd want for it to be, and nor is my vag. So that was an ouch and a nope. So I just thought, why not use the double dildo as intended instead? So I did. However still with the thinner half in the front and the thicker in the back, cause well my body is weird, I guess. Cause its intended use is the other way around, for some reason. But whatever.

And holy hell what a ride it was. Immediately I was in awe at the sensation of getting plugged in both ways at once... and oh my was that a sensation made in heaven! And combined with the vibe, it brought me to a sensational orgasm, way stronger than the one I got yesterday and that says a lot. Not only could I not keep quiet, but I also really couldn't sit still. Not like I tried to, but I wanted to at least not fall off the chair. Did I mention something about a "potential with double penetration"?! I still didn't expect it. Seriously, mother of hell, I don't have words for such a feeling... I'm scrambling for words to describe it.

Like... try to imagine a really amazing clit orgasm, then a damn good vag orgasm, then the softest and most lingering anal orgasm and slap them all together in the most amazing triple sandwich feast you can imagine. I'm lingering in a dream... that was heavenly. And has me begging for more. Next time I'll try it lying down, might allow for more movement. But damn I might need to look at better DP dildos. Like with a suction cup. But problem is, when I'm orgasming like that, I can't fucking stand on my legs or support my weight on them. So standing up, whether I'd have the dildo attached to a chair or wall, might have me falling over from orgasming too damn hard. Cause I convulse too hard in the most delightful way imaginable. That kind of convulsing definitely doesn't hurt, not in the least. It's the direct opposite of hurting. But supporting my weight on my legs/feet during it, just isn't possible. It has me toppling over quite quickly. Unless I had something to hold on to, maybe, Like a very sturdy piece of furniture, or possibly a door handle. Something that can handle a bit of pulling and won't topple over with or one me. I'll ponder over it.

My orgasms are not always that strong, but when they are strong, they're far beyond incredible. If "incredible" had a roof I'm shooting off into outer space, spinning around the galaxy and dancing around the sun before I'm falling back softly on the bed again. I'm not sure how it's possible, but maybe I've got magic in my nerves. Or just an astounding connection between them and my brain. And I love letting go for the feeling like that, just letting it all go and let my body do exactly what it wants to. Maybe that's why it gets so strong, cause I'm not holding it back at all, and I really don't care about what it may look like or how weird I might sound. Cause all that matters in that moment is that feeling and to be in it completely. I think it's the only time I can really let go like that and let my body do what it's undeniably best at.

That is something I would consider to be a talent of mine. Cause I didn't practice it, not really. It seems to be just somehow built-in inside me somewhere. An ability I was just born with. An ability to reach otherworldly intense orgasms, and yeah I'm insanely proud and grateful for that truly extraordinary... gift. I don't think I've seen it as a gift before. But it absolutely is. It's not something I've worked for, or bought or acquired on my own in any way. It's just always been there, within me. And all I need to do is literally just tickle some body parts in just the right way and boom, extreme pleasure as though the whole universe explodes inside me.

In this moment, the thought of losing my vag terrifies me. And makes me sad. I don't think I wanted to know this... but it seems it's my G-spot that gives me the greatest orgasms. My clit barely goes halfway in intensity, ever. And anally... I don't know, it tends to vary a lot, but generally it is less intense than clit but can get more intense sometimes but not as intense as vag. Cause I think I might be reaching my G-spot from my ass as well, but just not as directly so the feeling from that area is a little less intense. I want to keep it, I want to work with it somehow... if only I could...

Perhaps it wouldn't be unreasonable to hold off with the vaginectomy, if I'm not ready to lose it. I really don't want to make such a grave mistake. But I need the UL with my meta, so... I'll likely then just have the first stage and skip the second stage. Maybe. I don't know, it grosses me out somehow, to have the vag and male-looking parts at the same time. The thought of having to have a split scrotum makes me cringe, cause they're not supposed to look like that. However, the surgeon said that isn't likely to actually show at all. It could maybe be nice... to have what at first appears like just a male looking package, but with a secret hidden within it. I should think about that some more.

That vag is gonna need a lot of work either way if I should decide to keep it. It's gonna need a buttload of local estrogen, and stretch it a lot too. Me getting UL with vaginal tissue and the labia minora removed would of course give me even more work to get that vag functioning in a peachy way again, but if I've been this persistent about finding a way to make it work for literally the past 10 years, I don't suppose I'll give up anytime soon, huh? Like someone could stick a machete into it and I'd still not consider it dead. Now I've been trying to talk my way around it in previous entries, but I think I should just write what I really feel instead, even though I struggle to be that very honest. Let's get even more real.

It pains me so much. Like I have to let go but I don't want to. Like I clutch at it with all the strength I've got but I don't want to feel this way. It has nothing to do with my gender at all, it's just flesh. But it has everything to do with my pleasure. And I don't want to lose that. I don't think I can consider my pussy to be a male body part no matter how I twist and turn it, but it's always been a part of my body, and I've had a lot of use for it. I wish I could discard it and be fine with that, but right now, I don't think I can. I don't think I could have a satisfying sex life without it. And sex matters to me, but does it matter more to me than my gender? I cannot choose. I refuse to, I bloody well refuse to choose between those! But I'm forced to, and it shatters me.

What matters is the here and now: can I risk losing some or most of that high, to look more male and have a lot less dysphoria? "No!" -that feeling inside me is screaming, over and over. "No, and absolutely not worth it!" I think I need to listen to that feeling, cause how can I first write about how much I really love that truly extraordinary orgasmic gift, and then in the next breath agree to throw it away? I can't. This feels like the hardest decision of my life, I have no idea which way to go. Keep or toss, keep or toss, keep or toss, keep or... it has me spinning in endless circles. Maybe if I spin fast enough I'll just fly in any direction eventually. I think that's what I'm hoping for to happen.

It feels like my vag has been screaming at me for a decade to listen to it, but I kept ignoring it until now. And it keeps screaming at me still cause it wants for me to know exactly what it needs and it's really fucking mad at me. It wants to live. And it wants to live out loud. I've been suffocating it, but I cannot kill it. I do not have the heart to.

Self-exploratory therapy

I'm feeling nauseous... after having looked up some vaginal tablets containing estrogen with the jolly, not at all dysphoria triggering, name "Vagifem" and a whole lot of also totally not dysphoria inducing information. I think if I just coughed hard enough my uterus would come up with the snot. And that each ovary would plop out a nostril each. Cause why not? I'm trying to give a cringy and painful enough mental image of lower dysphoria but I'm not managing it very well. But I guess, it would be better to picture those parts as one thing together, writhing and thrusting around in there as it tries to escape in any direction it can manage, like a wild animal trapped in a cage that's being zapped with electricity every time it gets close to the bars. And I'm trying to contain it, I'm zapping it. I want to release it, but the cage is my body and self-exploratory surgery is a very bad idea. That wild animal is scratching my insides and adds extra weight to me.

But anyhow. Yeah, we all fucking get it, my dysphoria is hell in my own body and there's no escape. But reading up on that medication was just so... nauseating. Like it made it a hundred times worse temporarily. But I've been thinking I maybe should look into at least just trying it out. Or you know what? Why not some kind of numbing lube instead? Why did I never think of that before?! It's genius!

Or maybe I won't need to... I'm at a loss for words. Cause prepare for the fucking tmi but this is important. Earth shatteringly important. I just masturbated with a dildo in my vag and a vibe on my clit and it was amazing and I got the strongest orgasm since I literally can't remember when. It was impossible to keep quiet. The sheer pleasure made me whimper and moan, hungering for more as I struggled to fuck myself fast and hard enough to keep up with my need. It was beyond mind-blowing. When I was done I just sat there, staring, jaw-dropped, wild-eyed and so completely satisfied. Eventually I managed to make myself move again, enough to pull the dildo out of my vag again, collect my stuff and get up. I stopped for a moment, leaning onto the table with one hand while still breathing heavier and the words that slipped out of my mouth gave me chills... I said "I haven't felt this for ten years".

Those words speak of truth. Cause although I've enjoyed vaginal since after I was 18-19 years old, it has not been pain-free, pure pleasure since then. Did I ever truly give it a second chance though? Or was I too lazy, too despondent, too tired, too torn apart, too dysphoric to truly care?

Now what do I do now? Can I still, really, throw away what I know I actually treasure? What if it's not my vag that I hate, but its carrier? Or simply just the disconnection itself? I learned to love it once. I know it keeps nagging at me, cause it feels like I might be making a terrible mistake to have it removed. I think if I keep doing this it's gonna tear me apart. But I have to. I have to, quite fittingly, get to the bottom of this mess. How, I'm not sure. But my general "plan" is to keep using my vag sexually in various ways and with various things in mind, and then carefully analyse afterwards how it made me feel before, during and after it. Then also check in later on in the future to see if I've found some new thoughts or feelings about the experience. Try to go about having vaginal sex with other men as well, cause just masturbation won't be enough for a proper study of it. Because how I feel pleasure and what kind of pleasure are extremely different with another man compared to solo play. It's a completely different kind of experience, and I think, a much more important one to study.

I'd call it a form of sexual therapy, self-therapy and also soul-searching. Perhaps it sounds lovely and pleasurable, but the whole process of digging around with a tooth pick in my own mind after every such sexual experience at least up until the point of surgery, is likely also gonna be very frustrating, stressful, difficult and I think also emotionally painful and draining. Like trying to solve a puzzle with pieces you have to pull out from inside your stomach one by one while under a barely working local anesthesia. And you have to get all the pieces out before you can stitch up and start trying to put them together. Perhaps a better name for it would be "self-exploratory therapy" as it's highly experimental. It feels like I'm gonna play Tetris with my own thoughts and feelings. Hopefully I'll find what I'm looking for before I run out of time. Why do this all by myself though? Because actual, "professional" therapy sucks ass.

Now I'm too tired to think more and need sleep, but I know that if I'll leave this un-posted now I won't get back to it again later on. So I'll post this un-edited. I hope I didn't make any grave mistakes or errors with my spelling and grammar. If so, I might edit the already posted entry tomorrow.

Accepting the decision

I'm working on a list of things I want to bring up/ask my surgeon about getting metoidioplasty, relating to both the first and second stages. I don't think I have any questions about the hysto. But otherwise things I should have brought up at the consultation but for some reason or another didn't. So I thought it could be good to contact the surgery department at Linköping's hospital about my questions/thoughts before I'll actually have the surgery. Cause not knowing this stresses me out. It's mostly just practical stuff that I'm curious about that keeps nagging at me, like what size of testicular implants I will/would/should be getting, ask about mons resection, and what method of the vaginectomy would/will be performed.

As far as I know about that latter one, there are at least 3 different methods that are used on different patients and all of them come with different amounts and types of risks. They also do provide with slightly different visual results as well. Even though the visual aspect most likely won't be much of a bother for me as that scar will likely end up under my balls and therefore not show at all. Others, who get the newer "v-y method" of scrotoplasty instead will have that scar showing then (like in the perineum, between balls and ass) as their balls end up higher up and more hanging. I'll be having an older method of scrotoplasty which will leave them being further back and "tighter" like closer to my body. The "v-y" method is not being performed in Sweden, only the older one, so I didn't have any choice in the matter compared to trans guys in other countries, but I also don't really care much about that detail. I only mention it now cause it's relevant to that my vaginectomy scar most likely will end up being completely hidden, or at least partially hidden.

But the risks invloved with each type of vaginectomy method and just not knowing what will happen stresses me out. Maybe also because of how emotional I am about having that particular procedure, which I will rant more about further in this entry, I need to try to calm my mind about it in any and every way I possibly can.

1.) From what I know, there's one method called "coplectomy" which is a half closure. As far as I understand it they remove most of the internal tissue but leave a bit at the opening which makes it (somehow?) safer than option nr. 2 but not as safe as option nr. 3 which I'll get to later on. This method leaves you with a little bit of a dip there (up to a couple of cm deep) and it's the kinda medium safe/risky one of these methods. Risk of internal bleeding is somewhat high-ish and other issues can happen too but not so high risk.
- I'd be okay with getting this method, as the dip most likely wouldn't show on me due to the placement of my balls and the risks are not unreasonably high.

2.) Then it's something I'm not sure what the technical term for is, but commonly just referred to as "vaginectomy" which is a total closure but not a good one. They practically remove all vaginal tissue in there and it's unsafe to do so, and *should* only be done on patients with severe vaginal cancer that can't otherwise be treated, in my humble opinion. It doesn't leave a dip in the area but has a fairly high risk of re-opening again. But more importantly it has high risks of issues such as internal bleedings, puncture/rupture of both the urine bladder and the rectum and what more in that general area. It's the most risky of these methods.
- I'd like to avoid getting this particular method done if possible, but I guess I'd survive it if given no other option. However then it would be damn good to know so I could be extra cautious to heal well!

3.) And then it's one called "colpocleisis" which is also a total closure but a good one. They don't remove the internal tissue but cauterize it and then stitch it up from the top to the opening. It's been highly recommended for trans guys who want a vaginectomy, and is most commonly practiced on elder women who have vaginal issues and don't have that type of sex anymore. There's some/low risk of getting bladder/rectum punctured and fairly low risk of internal bleedings as well. It doesn't leave a dip at where the opening used to be, but usually a vertical scar and the surface gets flat, with little to no risk of it re-opening again during healing time, as far as know at least.
- It's the least risky and safest method, so this is the method I'd most prefer to have done, if I'll have the option then.

So, it's not just "sewing it up" or simple/easy like that. When there are at least 3 different ways a surgeon can go about it that all affect both safety/risks and looks in different ways. I'm getting myself into nerdy levels of SRS by now... but at the same time it just stresses me out to not know what's gonna happen to my body down there in that aspect, like I just need to know regardless of which and what more. The more I know, the more calm and at ease I will be about it.

I'm still thinking I should go ahead with having that procedure done, cause it's really just on a few odd days where I feel uncertain and nostalgic about that, when dysphoria isn't as bad as it most often is. And knowing that dysphoria has only gotten increasingly worse and worse over the years, it's just not gonna get better. And holding onto that junk for the sake of nostalgia while it still causing dysphoria is just not a solution in any capacity. But sure, I'll think extra hard about it between the first and second stage, as by then I'll know if that hole is even still usable after it having been a bit used and abused by the urethral lengthening/hookup procedure and possibly also by the hysto, which I do not want to opt out of regardlessly.

And also there will be scarring around the opening from where the labia minora will have used to have been (am I Englishing that sentence right? "will have used to have been" sounds weird as fuck, but talking about the present as though it was the past in the future is hard to English, okay? I don't even know how I would say it in Swedish) and that kind of scarring might make it difficult to access that hole and use it then. So, I'll have to give it more thought then, like if I would consider trying to dilate it with "toys" or whatever they're called (dilators, but they look like smooth dildos) by the time everything's healed, as well as use some kind of topical estrogen stuff for the atrophy that is likely the cause of the physical pain in there, and then just hope it could work without me psychologically dying of dysphoria. Which it most likely just freaking won't. More likely me fidgeting with it much more with topical estrogen and dilators would increase my dysphoria massively.

Cause at this point, all I ever do with that hole is like putting a dildo, dick or fingers in it on a whim at most 2-3 times a year which leaves me feeling emotionally traumatised and physically in pain afterwards. So go figure, if I'd start poking around in there like every day, I'd probably be in constant panic brought on by dysphoria. I'd be close to suicidal, and probably begging for instant death until just giving up on that hole and wishing I had gotten it closed up instead of leaving it open. I'd likely regret not having done it then. Even though there's an extremely small chance it might get better physically and that might decrease the dysphoria panic enough to roughly how it is now, and I might be able to enjoy getting my pussy pounded in sexual situations but still be as dysphoric as I am now about it all the other times. And that's about the best I think could ever become of that. And 99% of the time, or at least 80% of the time (if I'd be really fucking a lot), I'd not be having sex, but instead (not) dealing with this crippling dysphoria. It doesn't feel worth it, it feels like a whole lot of work and a whole lot of pain, for a whole lot of barely anything at all. Like spending several years and lots of hard work to build a beautiful, strong house but all you end up with is an ugly tent.

But then if I'd rather just go ahead with getting it sewn up instead, I might likely be very sad and upset about not having that option anymore despite how useless it is, and I'd likely beat myself up over that decision, regret it, wish I hadn't done it and hate myself over it. But that I'd also feel relieved that it's gone at the same time, but struggle to appreciate it. I think I'd struggle hard to come to terms with it, that I'd forget why I made that decision in the first place and call myself a complete fucking idiot. I'd probably cry a lot over it too, and try my best to hide my emotional reaction from doctors, therapists and family members. Although I might talk about it with a therapist to just have some way of calming the fuck down about it and stop flailing.

Cause if it's done then it's done and having a temper tantrum about it wouldn't solve anything. But I'd know that then, but would also need to release that angst first before I could calm down and be more logical and reasonable about it. Then I'd likely have a lot of work with my issues around that, and exactly how it would impact my sex life I'm not sure, but I think I'd feel like something's missing and I might struggle to orgasm cause of that likely emotional block of no longer having what I've always used in my fantasies to reach orgasm. And then likely having to throw myself right into sex work while still having a temper tantrum about my discarded vag... sounds delightful. But eventually, I think the end result would be a much calmer, happier me with little to no dysphoria. Just that it will likely take a while and a hot struggle to get to that point. But if I'd opt out, I don't think I could ever reach a point of being either happy, calm or free of dysphoria. So I'm saying, either which way, I will most likely go through an intense emotional struggle, with either dysphoria or regret. But regret I might "get over" in terms of finding ways to let go and move on eventually, but dysphoria won't disappear or be relieved for as long as I still have that hole.

The questions are not "will I regret it or feel relieved if I have it removed? Will I die of dysphoria or find a way if I keep it?" but rather it's just this one question: "what would be the worst: stuck with crippling dysphoria forever, or stuck with regret forever?" which is exactly why I completely fucking hate this shit. Cause it could be so bad that if I do it, that I'll always regret it, which I'd need to somehow mentally visualise and prepare myself for. Cause at this point I just see one misery or another no matter which decision I go with. And I know I can't keep living with this dysphoria cause I'm constantly at the freaking verge of breaking down. Knowing I'll soon have that surgery is the only thing that keeps me from breaking down completely. The hole is what I'm literally the most dysphoric about down there and altogether. Much more so than the labia or the uterus or the ovaries, the lack of balls or having a small dick-like clit. Arguably equally as much as my wide hips though, depending on the day and what I'm doing. Together with my hips, that leaking hole is what the absolute most makes me want to rip my skin off and set it on fire. And of course my vag is also the part I'm the most ambivalent about.

That stresses me out, makes me severely frustrated and has me bouncing between and smashing into two opposite walls. Like a pendulum slamming back and forth with nowhere else to go. So, in two opposing ways I feel very strongly about my vag. I hate it, I hate it so much. I hate it both for the pleasure and for the pain. I feel like I'm stuck with an impossible choice. That I will suffer no matter what I choose. But I know that if I'll go with having it removed, at least there is a chance it will make me feel better at some point later on if I can work through my issues with that nostalgia. Cause maybe, hopefully, nostalgia is not quite as incurable a condition as dysphoria. But it would be taking a chance... an irreversible chance, at that... Oh my god, I'm scared.

But that is ultimately why I think I will go with it, despite this ambivalence and the quite high chance of feeling regret afterwards. Because the only other option is to do nothing about it. There's nothing else I can do, no halfway or third option. It's only either or. Permanently keep it or permanently close it. And closing it cannot be undone. The decision itself is murdering me. This might seem silly, but I think I really do need to write this little letter:

"Farewell, my vagina. You've given me amazing pleasure that ended, and incredible pain that never ends. You've tormented my mind to no end. You didn't get along well with the testosterone, and I know I need testo more than I ever needed you. You keep begging for mercy, for me to let you live and thrive, but we can't have it both ways. I know you crave dick more than my ass does, but you never like it while my ass almost always likes it. You don't communicate what you actually want, only what you think you want but never do. It's time you snap out of your fantasy. Dysphoria killed you, testo beat your corpse, and what I'll do is simply bury you. And I'll give you the proper funeral that you deserve. You can hate me however much you want, but it won't help and I need to move on. You have to let me move on. Please. How could we ever agree? You know we can't. Please stop crying, your tears are soaking through my pants. Please let me go, as I do not want to, but have to, reluctantly, let go of you. Thank you for the good times we had, they were truly awesome. I'll treasure them always. May you rest in peace."

Writing that made me cry a little, I'll admit. But this is what I mean by mourning my vag. It might seem silly, but I don't think I can just cut such emotional strings without crying a bit. And I should be respectful and caring of both my body and my mind. Not try to brute my way through this. "Precious and fragile things need special handling" I can fittingly quote from a song by Depeche Mode. Now I need a smoke.

I've got another idea for what could be going on with my internal conflict about my vag (to keep or not to keep), or at least a partial reason to consider. And it always comes down to sex, doesn't it? Well, with me it seems to. The idea I got is that maybe I've been struck by convenience and it's messing with what I actually want or not. Cause like 99% of all the guys who have shown sexual interest in me have only been interested in my pussy, not my back door. So maybe a big reason as to why I started being okay with receiving front penetration again was mostly, sadly, for convenience sake and not really cause of wanting it. But also that combined with having had a few weeks of less extreme dysphoria which made it doable. My dysphoria is back up at its usual extreme levels again now though, as I can't even make myself take showers on most days, and the only masturbation I can manage is with my vibrator cause then I don't need to directly touch any part of my pussy with my hands. But of course, what I said before definitely still stands as well.

Because I know, that if I could have it my way, look beyond my tragic reality of going with literally any guy who's interested in me and letting him decide what kind of sex to have as long as it's sex at all, cause apparently I'm that damaged - would be to just move on from my vag as though it was never there to begin with, and enjoy sex as though I had been born male and was just a gay cis guy. To forget about it and start over, without this crippling dysphoria of having mismatching genitals that are a complete fucking eyesore for me. The more male I've begun to look, over the years with testosterone, surgery and just plain old ageing, the more comfortable and happy I've gotten with how I look and how my body feels. The more right and connected to me, it feels. And also the psychological changes from taking testo have a been a sweet blessing that have also further made me more comfortable with myself. Like I really, definitely, absolutely, most certainly know that being and looking male is exactly what I've always needed.

And I know that my pussy is that last thing that keeps chafing against my otherwise new-found maleness that I feel so comfortable and satisfied with. It's that one last puzzle piece that doesn't fit and needs to be carved into a more fitting shape, for me to not feel agitated as though I'm carrying a nasty disease between my legs, as I keep trying to make that piece fit into the rest of the puzzle with all the power and futile efforts I can manage. Like telling myself that "it doesn't need to look or be male to fit... if other trans guys can do it, why can't I?" and there I unknowingly just hit the nail on the head, why it's taken me so long to accept that I do need bottom surgery and that it's the only right decision for me. As I've kept telling myself that I shouldn't need it. That's what's been haunting me all this time, since early on in my transition and I started to get to know other trans people and their thoughts and feelings about their medical journeys: if other trans guys can be fine with their vaginas, then why can't I be fine with mine?

It's made me angry at trans guys who are fine with their parts, as though everytime they say so, it makes me feel like that makes me wrong for having a different idea about my own body. As though me thinking my pussy makes me less male is somehow wrong and something I should be shamed for. I know many if not most non-lower-op trans guys think those who want surgery should have it, but I also keep hearing that they often times also think that them having a pussy doesn't make them any less than 100% male which is a direct contradiction to why most trans guys who want SRS feel a need to have it: because we don't feel 100% male with our pussies. At least, many of us don't. It makes me feel like I'm somehow "wrong" for needing a full transition and can't happily settle for a halfway transition like they can. And they are in the majority. But at the same time I'm also furiously angry at them cause I envy their lack of lower dysphoria, or that they have a lot less of it than I do.

It's made me feel as though I'm being outdated and regressive in my own feelings about my own gender and transition choices. Because I don't feel like I'm male enough with that wrongly shaped piece between my legs. I'm fumbling for the rightly shaped one but it's not there. It never was. And what I was cursed with instead was made for females, not for males. I feel as though I cannot be completely male while still being possessed by pussy or anything that appears female. And I cannot possibly make that inherently biologically female part somehow male in my own brain, cause my brain just says "nope" and that's its final word on it. My heart and soul also echo the same firm "nope". But yet I keep flaundering about with a desperate "but what if I just tried harder?" cause getting invasive surgery on your genitals is a fucking scary thought. It's a last resort -kind of thing. Not a first you do -kind of thing. And it scares me, cause I'm out of all other options, tried everything else. Yet I keep scrambling for more options that simply do not exist.

And that's why I need to pull my head out of my arse and yell at myself that "Enough is enough! Stop trying, it's futile!" and I feel the emotional fever rising within me, cause what if there is another option out there that I just haven't found yet? There isn't. Stop. For the love of everything you hold dear, please, please stop scrambling, I keep telling myself. If only I could reason with my emotions, but I simply can't. All I can do is pick if I should go with my logical side or my emotional side and hope I make the right choice. Cause on this topic, they're highly disagreeing with each other, and beat each other bloody over it. It's tiring, and it's not getting anywhere, seemingly.

I made a list, several days ago, on my pros and cons with having a vaginectomy, as I was inspired by another trans guy who had done the same thing and shared it in an ftm bottom surgery group on facebook. Inspired by the concept, I mean, not so much by what he wrote. As I thought, the pros got much more and stronger than the cons on my own list. But I added quite a lot of things to both sides. Here it is:

Pros of having vaginectomy:
1. Not having any female organs/parts anymore, which would make me feel more complete/aligned (bio sex vs. gender)
2. No more of that icky 24/7 lubrication
3. Not being scared/worried of sexual acts happening that I don't want/be less stressed out about it during sex
4. Looking and feeling more male down there
5. No risk ever of ending up pregnant (there's still a very small risk after a hysto, if a released egg is trapped somewhere or whatever)
6. Not being grossed out by my genitals
7. Easier to keep things clean down there
8. Less bad odour
9. Getting to have dry underwear
10. Not having my underwear getting permanently discoloured by that lubrication
11. Might make masturbation easier (as I prefer it dry)
12. Can have UL with potentially fewer/less severe complications
13. No need to rethink how/if to have UL (with vaginal tissue used)
14. Not looking trans, and more likely to be able to pass for cis, also in sexual/naked situations
15. Not feeling so vulnerable in sexual situations, or potential such, like at a gay bar or sauna, etc (although very similar to point nr. 3, there's slight difference in how public/private the situations are)
16. Never ever having to worry about getting vaginal health issues (such as cancer and less severe stuff like internal symptoms of std's and other infections, once it's healed from op)
17. Possibly smaller risk of getting UTI's after healed and post-op, cause of no vaginal bacteria getting into the urethra, I mean

Cons of having vaginectomy:
1. Missing how good it used to feel, and not being able to try again
2. Sex with others might become more complicated (but I'd learn eventually)
3. More difficult to find sex partners (possibly, because most cis guys I've come across and/or heard of who want a trans guy are crazy about pussy, for whatever god damn reason - and most gay cis guys are not into guys with tiny dicks)
4. Might make becoming a sex worker and maintaining such a job more difficult too, for the same reason as the one above
5. Being dependent on only being able to receive penetration anally (no second option)
6. Easier for sex partners to tell if I'm aroused (with the wetness that I hate, it's still a pretty good signal for partners that I'm enjoying things, and as my dick is/will be tiny, a boner doesn't and most likely won't be showing much, compared to how clearly it does on most cis guys. But if my boners will show more clearly after op, then that will be a good enough sign of arousal post-op)

I just now added two more things to the pros than I had originally written, and explained a few things further among both the pros and the cons. That stands with 17 pros and only 6 cons. I know I've made my decision to have it done. But I still have not accepted it. And internally I'm still, probably very obviously, fighting it. I hate to make either decision but a decision has to be made nonetheless. Reality is cruel and doesn't care. I don't think I can take my chances with having surgery as planned but to have the vaginectomy much later on or hanging in the air. I think I need to decide that if I want it then have it with the other procedures as planned, or opt out of it entirely. And reality demands an answer. So, nauseous, dizzy, almost crying, with my stomach in a knot and my heart in my throat I make my decision: have it sewn up. It would be for the best, but it won't be easy.

Quite poetically, and literally, I need closure.