Seeing clear

I don't wish to be happy. Is that weird of me? I want an interesting life worth living, that's all. And love, I want true love, but that isn't the same as happiness. I'd miss my sadness if I'd lose it and I don't want to lose it over something as boring as happiness. What has happiness ever brought anyone?

I believe there could lie some kind of wisdom in that statement, that I don't want happiness because I don't think I could learn anything from it. I've had happiness. Not in this life, but I've sure had it and after thousands of years or at least hundreds, what did I ever learn from it? Nada.

I've never thought about it this way before, why am I so damn slow? Of course that is why I can't be happy in this life! I took the crash course to learn about being (or trying to be) human, I haven't got time for fluffy jolly feelings. I'm not meant for it. I'm meant for suffering because it's through suffering that we learn. I might be ancient, but I'm not omniscient. Not by far, and I don't think I ever will be. But it's a work in progress, so to say. The meaning of my entire existence. It's that simple, it's that hard.

And maybe it's one heck of a realisation, that I don't even want happiness. That one thing that everyone is supposed to want more than anything. I seek wisdom, knowledge, a deeper understanding of things above everything but love.

Happiness is just a feeling, a state of mind. How can it be an experience worth dying for, worth living for? When there's so much more? And I know that I want to keep this eating disorder because of what I could learn from it. I want the experience, I want the pain and I want to be close to dying from it.

My prophecy tells me that I won't die from it, I already know how I'm going to die. I've known that for 10 years now. At the time 15:22 sometime during 2016 or 2017. However, I feel like my eating disorder could play a part in my death, even if it's not gonna be the actual cause. My sadness will kill me. And isn't it a bit ironical that I hold on to it so much then? But I'm embracing it, I accept my fate. I have become my sadness.