Fragmenting

"How can learning be a purpose? It's a preparation, but a preparation for what?" - late night thoughts about the meaning of life, while stumbling across something I needed to hear on youtube. Somehow he tells me that I'm just like those SJW's, but in a different way and with a different target. Or that's what's suddenly clicking in my head. I hold on, desperately, to a community that I've never felt like I belong to, and I try to fight for their rights when most of them don't even agree with me. Is it pointless? I vaguely remember something I thought quite some time ago. I think I was on the balcony to one of my illegally rented apartments in Uppsala when I had that thought. It was something like "I want the whole world to end, and I don't care if it starts with me."

Now it has found its way back to me, like a barely voiced reminder whispering: "you wanted this, you wished for it, then why fight it?" I really should learn to be careful with what I wish for. Like really, it's having devastating effects on my life. What if both God and Satan are both fulfilling my wishes in different and sometimes opposite ways, and it's causing a fucking harrowing mess. I don't dare to believe I'm truly that powerful, it would be insane. And I'm not saying that I do believe that. It's just a thought that hit me, and I don't put any weight on it. I don't see how my blatant, nihilistic, depressive and selfish wishes throughout my life have somehow affected the entire world around me, no matter my origin, and no matter my relationship with either God or Satan. That's absurd. But it also feels eerily absurd that these things happen after I've made those wishes. I think all I'm saying is that I'm probably reading way too much into coincidences, at the same time as fearing I might have some kind of divine power that I really don't want nor could possibly handle the responsibility over. If I couldn't even handle the thought of having the responsibility over one human child, then a whole world...? Almost as frightening as immortality.

It reminds me of how I all the more feel like I'm losing my grip over myself, which that guy in that youtube video talks about too. He does give me the impression of being highly intelligent and quite enlightened too, but I'm starting to wonder cause as time passes more other people seem to become smarter in my eyes as I just seem to become dumber. It feels like my mind is rotting. How I struggle so much more than usually to find words, sentences, anything, to describe my thoughts, feelings and experiences. They fall apart before they even begin. I feel like I'm losing my language and I can't pull it back to myself. Maybe I've been lying and manipulating myself and others too much until I don't know what is true anymore. I feel relieved and empowered by the darkness at the same time as I feel it's breaking me.

I don't have any solutions, as usual. It's 4:30 in the morning so I'll probably continue watching that video later on after I've gotten some sleep. I know that what I did in the quite recent past last year and beginning of this year is and has been affecting me more than I'd like to admit. Not so much on a directly emotional level, but intellectually as well as on a deeper level I don't know exactly what to call. How my nightmares as I sleep seem to be trying to tell me messages that I either forget as I wake up again or refuse to acknowledge, how I feel as though my mind is somehow fragmenting and I jump to odd conclusions and extreme explanations that really don't explain much of anything at all, how I'm grasping at straws but keep falling into the water, and how much hatred is filling up within me these days. I don't know where that hatred comes from, or if it's mainly targeted at myself or the world around me. I wonder if the way back to myself is forward.

But I still hold my belief that something, I don't know what, is trying to keep me from finding my way back to myself the way I was. That I'm supposed to want to enlighten and develop as a person but I object it and I refuse it unless it leads me to where I actually want to be. I'm not really talking about other people wanting for me to want something that I don't want, but this powerful force that may come from within myself or from somewhere in the cosmos for all I know, that is making me suffer from the choices I've made. It feels more like some kind of mental punishment than anything related to what I think or feel. I still don't feel remorse or empathy, but I don't make sense either. I can either keep on going or back down, and I'm probably not gonna do the latter, but I think this means that I'm gonna face more and other forms of resistence than I had first counted on. Not only do I set my own morals which society does not agree with, but apparently nature and my own subconscious don't agree with them either. But can I go against my own mind? Suddenly, the thought of how strong my willpower is gets an entirely new meaning.

Paths to ruin

I had a couple of dreams that were a bit more intense than usually. They were connected, but I got them separately. The first one at night just before I was abruptly awoken by some damn sales-woman calling me on my phone around 11 am (then calling me 3 times more later on as I hung up on her mid sentence), and the second one while I was napping some amount of hours later.

In the first one I was someone else, a random girl I didn't know, and she was tortured by some psycho killer or whatever. Some unknown type of person whom I never actually encountered. However he was poisoning her/me which gave a set of nasty symptoms. First all the teeth would fall out, but it wasn't like they just popped out, no it was much worse. I remember the crunching sound of them breaking in my mouth, the taste of blood, the intense pain and how it was impossible to bite down because of the intense pain and discomfort. There were metal needles sticking out from my gums (about a cm long, sharp) from between where each tooth had once been and I wonder if it was some kind of braces. There were sharp pieces left of some of the teeth that I kept hurting myself on. My entire mouth started swelling up and I was uncontrollably screaming and crying out in horror.

Then I switched to being another person, presumably the actual me, and I was a bystander. The girl was still in the dream, but I wasn't her anymore. Now she was the girlfriend of some random friend of mine. No one I know in reality, just some guy. However, the girl who had lost all her teeth now started to really deteriorate from the poison. She lied down on a dirty mattress in the dark, dirty room we all were in (these kind of gloomy spaces often appear in my dreams as the setting or scene) as she slowly lost conscience and her skin started to blacken in various places. Eventually she didn't move or respond at all, but was still alive. The boyfriend was extremely upset and desperately tried to find solutions and keep her alive, but to no avail.

Somewhere around that point I woke up by that stupid phone call, and I wanted to know what would happen to the girl if I had not been interrupted and kept on dreaming. In the next dream, the girl was around again, but it was my sister this time, and this was now some time after what had happened in the previous dream. Our parents had somehow managed to save her from the poison, and she was recovering. Still fragile, scared and always either upset or apathetic, she was well enough to walk around, eat food again (don't know how without the teeth) and interact with her family. We were all having dinner at one point when I for some reason lashed out on her and attempted to hurt/attack her.

My parents got both angry and scared but they didn't need to stop me, as I quickly realised what I was doing and fled the room and ran out of the house. Slammed the door so hard that the handle fell off on the outside. My parents yelled at me from the kitchen window. They yelled what was I thinking going to attack my sister, as well as telling me that they can't open the door again now, that I was locked out. I was mostly upset cause I had left my cigarettes indoors. Then I woke up from that dream too.

I think it might make sense that the girl in these dreams were supposed to be Anna. I know that all people in one's dreams are always the dreamer him-/ or herself, meaning all people in my dreams are me, but Anna is somehow a part of me, so I do think it's possible that my subconscious can make that distinction too. What strikes me is that yeah, I'm probably gonna hurt Anna more and more in the future, for various reasons, but the thing is that there is no solution to make both of us content and not suffering. In the end, one of us will always be hurt by the other. Or such is my belief. And I'm done sacrificing my own peace for hers. I need it to be reversed, much rather than that.

However, I realise that either way, there will always be conflict and if I hurt her, I subconsciously hurt myself in the process, because we're linked and joined. If I'll drown her, I'll start breathing water too. I've chosen a certain path for this life, that will most likely ruin me in the end. I don't regret anything, but somehow the thought "maybe I shouldn't have" sneaks into my mind from down below in the murky depths of my mind, like a faint whisper.

That's one of those thoughts that are too heavy to hold for too long; that carry too much, too intense meaning; capable of tearing up all the wounds at once in a heartbeat. I have to handle it very carefully. All I've ever seen is paths to ruin, one way or another. I need to keep up keeping myself divided from Anna, and view us as two separate beings. I don't want to become who I should have been had we not split. I resent it like nothing else. I'm scared of what that kind of future would mean. So I can't have us integrating, and that I just know, would be the only way to heal. So ultimately, I'm choosing to discard healing. That's what I mean by "path to ruin" like I'll always carry content and satisfaction in one hand for the choices I've made, but incredible pain and conflict for the consequences of those choices in the other.

More bottom surgery thoughts

So, I just got a surgery consultation booked for May 31st, which is in about 4,5 weeks from now. I'm quite excited for that! Same surgeon as who did my mastectomy 3 years ago, by the way. That does bring me some sense of comfort, because I got a good impression of him, the few times I met him in the past, and I'm very pleased with the result of that operation. However I have no idea how/how well he does bottom surgery as he's not really anywhere to be found online and only practices in Sweden since he moved from Iceland like 10-15 years ago or so. I haven't seen or heard of anyone else who's been operated on by him.

But I'll talk to him, and ask for pictures and what not of his previous patients if he has any/wants to/can provide me with that kind of material. I do know that getting bottom surgery in Sweden is a bit different to how it is in other countries, it seems. Like there are very few surgeons who do it, and finding out information about their procedures isn't so easy, and you can't really just pick and choose which surgeon you want to go for cause of the lack of them in combination with the long waiting to get scheduled for surgery.

I've also seen websites not recommending trans people to get surgery in Sweden cause of "low quality of the results" or whatever. That falls more into the bullshit category of statements though, cause almost every trans person I've met and or talked to here have not been disappointed in their surgery results at all. I don't even know where that statement could have come from. But whatever.

I've been starting to research it a bit more again as of lately. Always having that gnawing feeling that I should be able to find more information if I just dug hard and deep enough. But getting to and past that point of only finding what I already know no matter what I search for, and nothing about what I don't know but want to know. But one more thing that I did find was a book, that I ended up buying off of Amazon about a week ago, and it arrived this Friday. It's called "Hung Jury: Testimonies of genital surgery by transsexual men", was released in 2012 and contains information about both metoidioplasty and phalloplasty (it focuses on surgeries on external genitalia but mentions the other procedures and parts of transition as well), has a chapter about Lou Sullivan who was the first gay ftm to get bottom surgery and he was also an activist for trans rights, mentions briefly Michael Dillon who was the first ftm to get phalloplasty back in 1946; and as the title suggests, has a lot of testimonies of different trans men who's had bottom surgery sharing their thoughts, feelings, past and future in regards to that part of their transitions. Then later in the book than I have gotten so far, it also includes their partners thoughts and feelings about that.

Already a good amount of interesting phrases have hit me on a deeper level. One sentence I even underlined (with graphite pen, of course, not ink). About how people often view genital surgery for trans men by comparing them to cis male anatomy: "And they arbitrarily adopt an idealized view of the appearance and functioning of non-transgender men's genitalia as the only measure of success."

I think that really hit the head on the nail, much in why I think those surgeries are not that bad at all. Cause I don't compare them to an idealized version of cis men's genitalia, but to what they generally actually are like, or even what they only sometimes are like when they're a bit further from "the ideal" than the average. What is an ideal package, anyway? I have asked myself similar questions before. I don't think I even have the same presumed ideal as the majority seem to have. At least when it comes to size and shape.

However, when it comes to function I can say that I do want it as similar to how it is for most cis men as possible (also taking my age and general health into account somehow), without even being remotely close to expecting or demanding that. It is very different when I look at what I would want if I could have anything I wanted - and what I want realistically considering the options that are available. They might not be the same, but they are actually quite similar. However I don't exactly cry rivers over the few details that I want but cannot possibly have.

So far I really like the book (I've gotten about halfway through it). I find it inspirational, thought-provoking, amusing at times, and even tear-jerking every once in a while. Cause not only is it informative, I do relate a lot to the people in the testimonies and how they describe how they felt at those times. And also reading about how how complete and at ease they said they felt afterwards does hit a nerve or two within me. I do come across that word "complete" quite a lot as I read on, and I feel a certain conflict as I don't know how to relate to it in this context.

Sure I want to feel complete, but is it even an obtainable state? I wonder. I tend to prefer using words like "aligned" or "more together" in regards to the distance between my body's biological sex and my mind's gender, and bringing them closer. I even question if they can be brought completely together, if they can get totally aligned. I don't know if that's possible or exactly what that would take to achieve. However I'm actually not overly concerned with being "100%" in that sense. I'm more concerned with decreasing my dysphoria enough to make life less of a struggle when it comes to me being trans.

I don't want to keep hating my own body, its functions and hate being trans so to the point that the hatred runs like poison through my blood, weakening me, every day. I know that a lot of trans guys can live their lives just fine without bottom surgery, but apparently it doesn't work like that for me, as for many others. I've always had very bad dysphoria that's decreased if that aspect of my body has been changed accordingly, and worsened over time if it hasn't been changed.

No I don't have dysphoria over exactly everything gender specific/related about my body. Like I don't care about that my hands and feet are very small, and I like my short stature. However I also have dysphoria about parts that most don't seem to pay much attention to. Like that my neck is so long and thin (I notice having long hair hides that a bit which gives me some comfort and is a big reason for why I don't like having my hair short or tied up in a way that reveals my neck shape), and my jawline and chin which I think are too weak/undefined and feminine but I hide that quite well with my beard. Er, or so I want to believe.

Those things are more like inconveniences than major problems for me though. Like they're not that important and actually rather manageable. At least for now. However my hip and crotch situation are less manageable on my own. Especially the latter. I don't know how to possibly handle my bottom dysphoria without surgery, whether during sex or not during sex, that doesn't involve packers. My issue is that I can't "connect" to a prosthesis because it's not a part of my own anatomy. It feels fake, it feels embarrassing and ridiculous even. Especially during sexual situations (more so with strangers, but also with people I know), like I'm wearing a mask for my junk.

And I disconnect from my own parts, whenever possible. It's not always possible, and those situations are undoubtedly the hardest to cope with. I don't remember when I became aware of the options of bottom surgery, but probably sometime during 2008 or 2009 around the time I re-discovered my gender, came out, looked up transition related stuff online and talked to other trans people for the first time. I don't really remember much of the details of what went on in my life back then, or most times of life, I guess. It's a bit blurry.

But I do remember that I was interested in getting bottom surgery already back then, but it was more of a curiosity, a "maybe later in the future" -kinda thing. Or rather, I was very early into my transition and knew it would be years before I could get such an operation, so I didn't even bother reflecting over it much. But I did reflect over it a little, and already at that time I was far more interested in metoidioplasty than phalloplasty. I did most certainly have negative opinions about phallo, but not like I ever really voiced them, or if I did, I did so very carefully to not speak negatively about anyone who had had that surgery or wanted to have it, or even just considered it.

I often ended up in conversations with others, mostly cis men, about my bottom surgery options in the future, mostly while drunk at various parties, while I still lived in Uppsala. That was usually when other people asked me very personal questions about my transition and me being trans, and I gladly answered them. No one really had a bad or negative reaction to my own thoughts about possibly having bottom surgery in the future, and they seemed to agree with me that meta would be the better option. I especially liked talking about it with cis men because of them being male too and being able to relate to wanting to have a dick, as was different with cis women, obviously.

They could also provide me with a more realistic view of what it's like for them, since I don't have the experience of being a cis guy and what that's really like in how they relate to their own bodies. But I think I've gotten a more clear idea on that since then, at least in theory. I've never felt as if anyone's been trying to talk me into having bottom surgery, whether cis or trans. More like the opposite, if anything. Not exactly, but closer to that, I guess. I mean, I often get told that "it's not necessary" or that I should "be okay with what I have" as if that's just a switch-button that I can click off to change my entire view of my body.

Oh, I really should have that talk with my friend with benefits, at some point soon, by the way. Sure I've told him about my wishes and plans to have surgery, but I think I should be more clear-ish about what it may actually mean when time draws more near the event of the surgery actually happening. I still can't know if it will happen in like a year from now, or maybe even as early as later this year (like fall/winter then), and if it will happen in one, two or more stages. It's kinda important to talk to him about it if we both want to keep having sex. Especially since I will need some time in celibacy during the healing time and what not.

Oh, I've also bought a quite cheap device for pumping, that part of my junk which kinda needs some size, so I plan on starting with that as soon as that device arrives since I bought it online yesterday. I have no expectations for it to work at all in increasing its size, but I just thought it could be worth a try and you never know before you try.

I wonder if I will even go back to smoking again after surgery. It's weird, but as of lately, smoking cigarettes hasn't been enjoyable for me. It's just another need that I have to take care of and it's more of a burden now. The first drag of a new cigarette is usually nice, but then barely halfway though I just want it to be over with. All the time. I never look forward to smoke, unless I'm stressed out or fighting some anxiety, or want to escape from something social. I don't really enjoy the taste or the smell anymore either. I'm at an average of around 10 cigarettes a day now, and it feels like it's 10 times more. I would like to decrease my consumption to about half my daily amount, even way before surgery, but I just never quite get around to it.

Also I'm feeling like crap these days. It feels like a mild migraine, or somewhere between a slight fever and a hungover that is freaking constant and 24/7. I hate the fuck out of it. I'm blaming my medication, and me hassling with that medication, on this. Now I'm paying extra attention to taking it first 100 mg in the morning (around 10-ish am) and then the remaining 100 mg at night (around 10 pm then) cause I think me having taken it both pills at the same time just once a day has made me feel shitty for a while and now it's gotten worse. But if this won't work in about a week or two, I'm scheduling an appointment with my medication doctor to talk about this shit and what can be done about it. I'd consider switching medication, or even medicating this nasty side-effect. Anything, as long as it has the potential to work.

This messes with my work-out plans as well, cause I'm literally not feeling well enough to even pick up a dumbbell, let along keep doing that repeatedly for an hour. And when I finally get a little space in time when I feel almost normal again for a few hours, I need to focus all of that energy on cleaning my apartment and dirty dishes that have been piling up for a good amount of days or even weeks, go grocery shopping or take out the garbage, which does come before working out. Cause I don't want to live in a freaking gross mess. But then I could say exactly the same thing about my body.

However I'm also putting more effort into keeping my newly fixed circadian rhythm (sleeping pattern) at least somewhat in order, taking vitamins, fluid replacements, drink more juice, drink less coffee (seriously can't really get that shit down with all this nausea anyway), eating something every day, stay away from alcohol (cause a hungover on this feels like 10 hangovers piled on top of each other) and trying my damn best to keep the temperature down in here and the amount of oxygen up cause it feels like I'm suffocating. That balcony door is almost always open now, day and night, and although I can't turn the heaters off they are on as low heat as possible. It doesn't get cooler than around 23 degrees in here though.

I'm just fed up with feeling like shit, this "I can't do anything" -feeling that is smothering me from within. I still feel rather well mentally, but physically I feel like a train wreck.

Fears and worries

There might be another reason for why I'm so against non-binary identities, which is that I feel threatened by that phenomena, and what becomes of its popularity. And I tend to react violently towards what or who I feel threatened by. I'm just spinning more on some previous thoughts, as I haven't really been able to let go of this topic. I have gotten the feeling that the more non-binary identities become established in society, the more people in general don't take transsexuals seriously. That suddenly gender is a performance, a social construction, something that essentially doesn't matter. That that's how the general population sees it.

So then my maleness isn't even considered real and transsexuals get lumped together with those who claim to be non-binary. And the idea that gender is a choice also hints that being transsexual is a choice too. It makes me go all defense and offense in attempts to protect my own validity. All my freaking life I've been fighting to be taken seriously, and for a brief moment in history transsexuals were almost considered real and okay in society, until the non-binary wave hit the fan. It scares me, what will become of the majority of people's opinions and views on transsexuals over time as non-binary gets all the more established.

I'm also worried about being mistaken for non-binary myself. I remember that during the early stages of my transition a lot of other people saw me as some kind of third gender, a neither male nor female kind of person. Some even thought it was a compliment when they referred to me as something gender neutral but it felt just as wrong to me as being referred to as female. And now it seems one has to be super masculine and male-looking to be considered actually male according to how people view non-binary identities. That the slightest bit of femininity would somehow make me something other than male, or both male and female. And I don't want to be/look 100% masculine to avoid being misgendered based on people's ill-placed assumptions.

So, what I'm trying to say is that how other people choose to identify or not really doesn't matter much at all to me, but the impact it has on society, that matters to me. I feel threatened by the phenomena of non-binary identities because of how society reacts to it, how it interprets it, and how I as a binary transsexual may suffer from the consequences of living in that changing society. So I defend myself, foolishly, carelessly. Jump aboard the "truscum" -train and the anti-sjw train in desperation. I know I'm most likely not thinking clearly about my stand point, it becomes an emotional attack to not fall victim myself.

However, if society had reacted differently to non-binary stuff, and if sjw's hadn't been a thing often combined with it, I don't think I would have reacted quite so badly myself. What bothers me the most about the whole concept, is that most people see non-binary people as crazy and attention-seeking people, and they lump them together with binary trans people, as if we were all the same. I've got a huge thorn in my side about that. Now I'm sure not all non-binary people are like that and it's never been my opinion that they would be, but that's not my point.

Of course the best would be if we could all just live side by side and not fight about who belongs into which category, but humans do have a tendency to categorise everyone and everything and sometimes they can do immense damage by doing so without meaning to. I do not know of a solution, and not would it matter if I did. But as far as I'm concerned, it's the sjw non-binary people and their impact on society that I'm against, not actually the non-binary concept in and of itself. Although I still don't understand it. However, my opinions on the sjw's have coloured my opinions on the non-binary concept with or without the sjw bullshit wrapped around it, because it seems most people who are non-binary also are sjw's. But not all of them, and I try my best to keep reminding myself of that, but I keep forgetting it as my own fears and worries rise within me.

I've been thinking of changing my name again. Or rather just add a new first name onto the pile of names I already have, however I might want to remove Eli, but that's not so overly important. I've never felt like John is a suitable or very interesting name for me. I took it mostly cause it was the best I could come up with at the time, and because I back then wanted a neutral "no-name" -name, something non-personal. And now I want something that is personal, interesting and more rare. I would want to change it to Lamont instead, or rather keep John as a middle name then, and add Lamont as a new first name.

I will think about it quite some more first though, before making impulsive decisions about it. Also there's new law about name changes here in Sweden coming out in July, which will mean that the cost to change one's name will go down from 1000 kr to somewhere around 250 kr. So it would be wise for me to wait at least until then. I wouldn't care all too much about which name my friends and family members would choose to call me then though, if I do change it again. I know it would likely drive them nuts if I would tell them they'd have to use that new name then, so I'd like to go easy on them and not demand such a thing. It would be for my own sake anyway, and it's not as a big deal to change my name from a male one to another male one - as it was to change it from a female one to a male one. So it wouldn't be as important.

Mostly I just want a nicer name, something I can feel a bit proud of having. And I did specifically choose a name that starts with an "L" because of my surname starting with that letter, so they'll sound and look nice together. Also, not having the same initials as my sister would be a good thing too. Lamont is of Scandinavian and French origin, and means "lawyer" and "man of law" which would be a bit ironic for me but I kinda like that. Also only 17 people in Sweden have it as their first name, according to random sources online. But whatever, I haven't decided for sure yet, I'm just playing with the thought for now.

Aversion to reality

Slacking with the writing as of lately. I don't have the right words within me, the right sentences or the right topics. Been drawing more again, I've both missed it and I haven't. Now it feels good to draw again, at least some days. I think I need to re-dye my hair again but it's not so easy to see as my natural hair keeps growing out darker. That's what I want, so not really complaining though. Also my body hair grows out darker too, at least that on my stomach. It's nearly black now. Magic works? Kinda.

One strong reason why I want especially for my head hair to grow out black is because I want to be able to see when I start getting grey hairs. I won't be able to if I keep dyeing my hair. Although I know it's probably at least 20 more years until I can get to have greyish hair naturally, but still. But that means there's no hurry in magically changing its colour. Don't know if I can actually make it jet black that way, but heck, it's worth a try. It's gone from some kind of light/medium brown to dark brown now though, over the course of 5-ish years or so.

It's quite a lot I've altered about my looks since my birth, I come to realise. Eye colour from greyish blue to green, hair colour from light brown to dark brown, weight gain and loss, change of hormones and top surgery, tattoo, piercings. I think that's all but I could have missed something. I only count the permanent/semi permanent changes that I altered magically, medically and through body mods; so hair dye/bleach, makeup, nail polish, clothing styles and such don't count.

I don't think I'm really chronically unhappy with my looks, cause I'm pleased with the changes that have been made so far and don't want to keep changing the same areas. I just hate my genetics and never really liked much of my original looks. I think I will come to an end of wanting to change more, eventually. Or maybe rather, come to a point where I only have the flaws I can't possibly change left to change. Mostly my bone structure, that is. Of having too wide hips and not wide enough jaws.

The latter I manage somewhat with my beard, actually. Somehow I think it does create a bit of an illusion of a more defined jawline and a little less weak chin, but I'm always reminded of how much I'm not pleased with that particular part of my face.

I've been losing my wanting to sleep around, a bit lately. It's both to do with my dysphoria getting worse and my sex drive getting lower. If they're related I don't know for sure. Cause all of the guys I've been in contact with, whether I've actually slept with them or not, just want to fuck me in my front hole and I can't even manage to be clear enough about how I very much do not want that. So those I have been with (just 2 so far) have been poking around in there despite me not wanting to, due to miscommunication and it caused me so much distress I can't even.

It has put me off, and I'm raging inside at a loss for what to do. I'm trying to make things work as they currently are until I can get them changed to something better, but what if I just can't make it work? Life isn't having it my way. It tears up holes within me that weren't there before. It's not unreasonable to think that maybe this is what's causing my sex drive to decrease. Cause if I can't enjoy it, then what's the point?

It's getting more difficult with masturbation again as well, it disgusts me again. Not because of the act but because of the way things look and feel. I don't like getting reminded of how wrong it and gross it feels, and how much I can't do anything about it on my own. Instead I'm stuck here waiting for an appointment with a damn psychologist who's gonna evaluate if I'm mentally ready for such surgery or not or whatever the fuck they'll want to know. They really want to make sure they're not making any mistakes, huh? Like I've already gotten my diagnosis (GID), got cleared that I was stable enough to go on hormones and have top surgery, and got my legal gender and name officially changed, lived full time as male for the past 8 years, so what damn more do they want from me to give me bottom surgery as well? Isn't it just another part of my medical transition?

I don't even get why they value my genitals more than any other part of my body. My body, not theirs. I don't think I value my genitals more than all other parts of my body. In fact I'm pretty sure I value my face and my hands a fair bit more. Is sex and reproduction really all that important to other people? I don't get it. However I certainly am not saying that it's completely unimportant either, obviously. I mean it's one of the most important things about my body, and I think only my face and hands are more important to me, so the rest of my body isn't.

The only reason someone would want to get such bottom surgery is if they're trans and have dysphoria in that area, which the trans team should already know about me by now. Ugh, I just hate the entire Swedish health care system to the bone. I hate how they're always complicating everything and drawing it out in time too. I remember when I just started my transition, and other trans people told me that the whole process would take around 2-3 years. What a damn joke. 8 years later and I'm still not done.

At some point later in my transition, I wished to myself that I would at least be done before I'm 30. Maybe I can still be, I don't know. I've never even heard of anyone else who's had a decade long transition, which is apparently what I'm looking at here. It does feel endless. I'm shifting between losing my patience and holding onto my hopes. Or maybe I do both at the same time, always. But if I can't make shit work at least halfway decently until that day, I don't know how to manage. I need a temporary solution of some kind, but I can't find one.

I keep running into problems with no solutions and the only thing I can do is waiting them out and hope for the best. It's tiring, it's exhausting and it's pissing me off. I feel an aversion to life and reality. It feels like I'm trying to swim against the stream in a storm. Of course I'm being dragged backwards no matter what I fucking do.

Somewhere down there

Just watched an episode of American Horror Story. Managed the whole first episode of the 4th season, Freakshow. Although it wasn't easy, but it was interesting. I don't know what's up with me watching videos longer than 10 minutes. I don't really space out or get bored, and I don't lose focus either, but I keep wanting for it to get done and I get impatient, like I just need a break without knowing why. My nicotine addiction isn't quite that bad, I can manage an hour, sometimes two, without a cigarette. Depends on my mood, mostly. If I'm nervous or stressed I feel a greater need to smoke. If I'm calm or tired I don't really have much of a need for that.

However, I did watch that episode and I did relate a lot to the twins. Don't remember their names, but one was Betty, I think. They reminded me of me and Anna, on several points. And I liked that they were portrayed as two very different people, and not like being identical, like twins usually are portrayed in movies. First thing that kind of hit close to home for me was how one of them just spoke without the other one liking it and begging her through thoughts to shut up. Then the masturbation thing was very relatable too, as Anna really doesn't like it when I do that. She too, shies away and draws back then. However I can't say which one of the twins more closely reminds me of me or Anna. It was different depending on the aspect.

I know our situations are vastly different. Me and Anna are not conjoined twins, we're a multiple system, and my situation is invisible to the outside world. Only thing that might give it away from time to time might be when I talk out loud to Anna when others are around to hear it. I tend to get confused looks, especially if I'm angry at Anna, and usually that goes in English. Most of our discussions and arguments are in English nowadays, and have been for several years. We adapt to each other as we both change and grow with time.

She's not immune to change, just much more reluctant to it than I am. Her personality seems to be fixed, but her opinions are not. When provided with new information, or problems she can't find solutions to, she does sometimes change her views. Like she was very much against me smoking and drinking in our late teens, but a few years later, she started craving that too. Now I think she's more addicted to nicotine than I am, or maybe something else that I've thought of, is that I think she is more connected to our body than I am.

I mean, it's always she who first notices and tells me when it's time to eat, sleep, smoke and so on. Like she somehow gets the signals before I do. I don't think much about our situation these days. I'm preoccupied with my sex obsession. Much to her dismay, I suppose. I never really figured out what happens to her when I engage in sex with other people. I think it's traumatising for her, but I don't know what happens to her. She just disappears during it, and comes back sometime after. Never talks about it, never shows any kind of emotion.

I think it's likely she carries another part of our common burden regarding the sexual abuse we went through, and that she put me through. I think she's more damaged in that department than I am, or we're just damaged in two very different ways. While I get obsessed with sex and addicted to masturbation, she's completely repulsed by it. So to the point that she can't even fight me or try to stop me when I'm at it. She just draws back until it's over. She never draws back for anything else.

I did tell my mother, by the way, over the phone some hours ago. Because she needs to know why I don't want her to bother me next weekend when I'll have a guest, and she needs to know why I'm suddenly having guests, as just pulling the "friend" -card really wouldn't work for such a recluse as me. Also I wanted to buy more condoms in Visby tomorrow and she's going to drive me there and tag along so she needs to know why I suddenly need condoms. She didn't freak out about what I'm up to these days, she barely even had any questions about it. Suits me fine. I thought it would be easier to say it over the phone than face to face when I'll see her tomorrow.

Think I'm gonna drag my ass over to the bathing/swimming house here in Hemse someday soon (this week, that is) and have myself a little chat with the staff there about my locker room issue, cause I think it would be nice to go swimming a bit, if at all possible there. I mean I would prefer using the men's locker room and showers but with my downstairs situation that might not be what anyone else there prefers.

So I'll need to talk to the staff about what the flying fuck to do about that, since I would want to swim a few laps there every so often as some kind of light/moderate exercise because walking bores me. And I need to find my swim shorts first, maybe. Found them in a drawer. Then finding my way to that place will probably be a bit of a hassle. But whatever, I wrote down a direction I could take that seems like the least complicated. No of course it's not in the center but a bit off. But I think I'll find it. Eventually.

I'm probably gonna mix up the names of my hook up's quite a lot later on. Right now just trying to learn their names. Well the ones I know at least which is just two guys now. Then a third who's real name I don't know yet. Don't know if I will. He keeps saying that he wants to meet me, and I keep suggesting days but then he's quiet for a while until he writes back saying he was too busy and that those days wouldn't work for him. I don't know what's up. I'll just wait and see, no need to stress about it. Also I did tell the guy on the main land who wasn't into hook up's the truth now though, to not lead him on further, before it spirals out of control. Before I hurt him too. Maybe I should make it more clear on my profile on that chatsite that I'm not looking for a relationship. But just how clear do I really need to be? Soon it will be my entire autobiography if I just keep adding more stuff about myself.

It says what I'm looking for there, as two different searches, or what to say. One says that I'm looking for chatting and friendship with all kinds of people; and the other says that I'm looking for sex with older guys/men; and that's it. Says nothing about me looking for a relationship anywhere. But I'm guessing some people may think that I'm just looking for sex in hopes of deeper connections, or friends in hopes of deeper connections.

I don't know what people think. Not everyone wants deeper connections with other people. I only really want shallow connections nowadays. I don't want others too deep under my skin, or into my mind and heart. Keep a certain distance, even when sharing such intimate moments like sex. Keep things on a need-to-know basis, and just a notch deeper for the sake of conversation and having something to talk about before and after.

I should probably be clear on that point about not wanting a relationship with at least some people I meet from there, to hopefully avoid misunderstandings at least. Then of course feelings can arise in either them or me anyway, especially if we keep contact for a while and keep meeting up for more. The guy I met last Thursday did contact me again yesterday, asking if I wanted to meet up again soon. I said yes but wasn't sure about the days I'd be available. Tomorrow I'm busy talking to my therapist, on Thursday I'm gonna need time off and clean my laundry, Friday to Sunday I'm having another guy staying over. So, a quite busy week which basically only leaves Tuesday and Wednesday. But he did quite up front suggest that I could be his "porn haven" under the condition that we get along well and enjoy each other. Sounds exciting.

Yeah I'm booking up a lot and seeing several different guys, but so far it's working out quite nicely for me. As long as I don't mix them up too much and keep protecting myself. I really am constantly horny and wouldn't mind seeing someone almost every day, or at least several days a week. I would need some time to mentally re-charge, cause even though my body is constantly up for it, my mind isn't. However making that actually happen that often isn't as easy as it may or may not sound. They're not always available. Travel needs to be considered. I'm not always available. They're indecisive and stalling. So on and so forth. Also I do like the excitement of switching between partners, it keeps it interesting and more unpredictable.

The guy coming to visit me next weekend might not become a regular, cause he lives on the main land and I can't afford to travel much, however he doesn't seem to be all that tight on money. Having a decent job and all. Wait, why is he still working, by the way? He's over retirement age. Hm, that thought didn't cross my mind before. Not that it really matters to me, but still. I'm sure one can continue working even after 65 and that retiring isn't something one has to do at that specific age, and he's only 2 years above it, but I really don't know all that much about that kind of thing. It's not like I've ever had to worry about it myself.

Yeah there's a bit of an age gap between us. When I said at some point that I like older, I really do mean older. Like a hell of a lot older. But it's not all that incredibly important to me. I prefer them being over 45 but even if they aren't that wouldn't be a roadblock for me. If there's an upper age "limit" in any way for me, it might be somewhere around 80 but I'm really not sure, so I say that very carefully. There might not be a limit. My lowest age limit is somewhere around 20, however. But I doubt I'd actually be interested in a 20 year old. I do have several different reasons for preferring older and not just because I think a more mature guy is more sexually attractive. But of course that is a reason too, and a pretty strong one at that.

I did get very popular on that hook up/dating site quite suddenly, cause I'm one of very few young guys who specifically and openly look for older guys for sex, and the reversed is much more common there. Also my nudes really did help along in making me popular there. But whatever, I'll go to bed soon. It's 5:15 am but I'm not really tired. Just a little, but doubt it's enough to fall asleep. Think it might be too late to take meds for that now, since I need to be up again at latest 12 tomorrow. That's less than 7 hours from now, and if I take Lergigan I usually sleep quite heavily for at least 9 hours. So yeah. I'll get as much sleep as I can, then crash and nap when I get back home again.

About labels

I've seen you reblog it twice now and I can't help but feeling it might be directed at me, it itches in my fingers too much to ignore it now. "As soon as you believe that a label you've put on yourself is true, you've limited something that is literally limitless, you've limited who you are into nothing but a thought." -Adyashanti.

Let me tell you what I think about that, my honest truth. This might get a little cranky-sounding and disrespectful at some point or another though. A fair warning. Labels are not definite road blocks. They're not always harmful but can be there for protection as well. A label does not necessarily rule out everything else. Like just because you say you want to keep a piece of paper white does not mean you can't put colour on it later on. It just means you don't want to put colour on it now. And it informs people about that, so then it can make you feel more secure and less pressured to colour it when you don't want to. But you can still put colour on it anytime you want. Labels are not definite, they're meant to help with communication, to be better understood and to understand yourself better.

Labels don't define me, I use them to simplify my language and communication with others. They're simply tools for me, just like any other words, and I use them as guides. And also, about the aspects of me in regards to being trans, I do use words and terms and labels in a way to make communication easier and more flowing with cis people, which does quite often tend to make other trans people uncomfortable. Like I do use words/terms like sex change, female to male, female born, biologically female, becoming a man, and other such that I know are problematic one way or another simply because my main concern is to be understood, not to make a politically correct statement. I only use such terms to describe myself though, not other trans people.

But aside from the trans aspect, I do use labels as a way for me to avoid long and complicated explanations when they're not necessary. I hate having to explain things in detail when I can just use a simple word that is close enough instead. So it's for convenience and anxiety-reduction. But I know they're not 100% correct, most of them at least. That doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't use them. That doesn't mean it's problematic or wrong of me to use them. It means I don't want to hassle myself through a damn maze when there is a shortcut.

Sure I can say about my stupid sexual orientation, for example, that I'm almost exclusively attracted to men whether they're cis or trans, but once in a blue moon I find myself attracted to a woman, cis or trans. That attraction may or may not be real, and it never lasts long enough for me to have time to act on it before it's gone, and also I don't feel it would be quite nice of me to do so as it might very well make that woman feel like I'm just using her as some kind of experiment or an exception. And I haven't ever had sex with a woman yet because of those reasons, as well as not being terribly wanted myself. So I should call myself some kind of homoflexible, mostly gay but open to experiment but it's just damn more convenient and simple to say "gay" and that's it. Why make it so god damn complicated when there's no need to complicate it?

And well yeah, I do think non-binary is bullshit and I wouldn't ever again consider myself pansexual (or queer for that matter) again, as there are only males and females in my world. And confused males and females who think they're something else. And no, even if I would end up with someone who identifies as non-binary that wouldn't make me change what label I use for myself. It wouldn't be a terribly good idea for anyone non-binary identifying to be with me, honestly. I would advice against that, for their sake.

Basically if they're male-born and look male or see themselves as mostly male as female-born but has had some kind of medical transition changes whatever I'd put them in the male category and if they're female-born without any medical transition changes or male-born but leaning closer to being a trans woman I'd put them in the female category. However rude or horrible that would be of me, I wouldn't keep my opinions from that potential person, I wouldn't give the impression of being more accepting than I am. So them wanting to be with me if that should ever happen would most likely be problematic, and a pretty bad idea.

So yeah, I do mostly go by looks, name, sometimes preferred pronoun, gender presentation and how they act - not how they "feel" that they're not just either male or female. So I did drop the pansexual label because I changed my opinions on non-binary identifying people. And as I do only think one can be either male or female, that does mean there basically are just four different sexual orientations and a spectrum between them. Gay, straight, bi and ace. So yeah, I do think there's a spectrum between gay and straight, and between sexual and asexual, but that's about it. And I will with all likelihood always fall somewhere between gay and bisexual, but now a hell of a lot closer to gay.

So no, I don't say I'd refuse to be with people who aren't male, but that doesn't mean I can't call myself gay when it is males I primarily want like 99% of the time. The label doesn't limit me, it explains the limits that already existed to be begin with. Meaning, my limits came before the label I chose for myself. That's always the case with me.

About me labeling myself as a submissive bottom, it's not 100% limiting either, but it is also a way for me to protect myself, to avoid misunderstandings and make things run smoother sexually. Why should I not limit myself from things I don't want to do? Just because you're up for anything doesn't mean I am, or are you? I don't think you truly are, but regardless, maybe I'm up for less than you are. However I'm pretty much just as much a bottom as I'm gay, meaning it's closer to 99% than 100% and I would maybe want to try topping or being the active partner at some point in the future again, but it's unlikely that I would want to and I will certainly not let myself be pressured into it, as that's kinda rapey. That doesn't make me less of a bottom however, that I might be up for trying in the future. That's actually how it seems to be for most who identify themselves as bottoms, and tops or that matter. Very few are super exclusive, 100%.

And as far as my psychiatric diagnoses go, I really don't get so hung up about them at all. Mostly I only really use them for the sake of not having to explain that shit in detail cause it's frustrating and boring and makes me want to rip out my brain and stomp on it for being such a damn disaster. And I self diagnose only because it helps me better understand myself. Like sorting a whole bunch of papers into different piles to get a better overview. That's basically all there is to it for me, it's a sorting system. It's not perfect but it's helpful.

I can't just sit and decide what I'm into or up for trying left to right, it doesn't work that way. Do whatever you want with whatever labels, I don't give a fuck. But I will continue using labels for myself as it doesn't harm me in any way, it's actually damn helpful for me. I don't know if I need them or not, but I want them, cause they're a comfort and makes talking to people easier. Or well, perhaps everyone but you then. I always did find your aversion to labels more worrying than my liking for them.