Somewhere down there

Just watched an episode of American Horror Story. Managed the whole first episode of the 4th season, Freakshow. Although it wasn't easy, but it was interesting. I don't know what's up with me watching videos longer than 10 minutes. I don't really space out or get bored, and I don't lose focus either, but I keep wanting for it to get done and I get impatient, like I just need a break without knowing why. My nicotine addiction isn't quite that bad, I can manage an hour, sometimes two, without a cigarette. Depends on my mood, mostly. If I'm nervous or stressed I feel a greater need to smoke. If I'm calm or tired I don't really have much of a need for that.

However, I did watch that episode and I did relate a lot to the twins. Don't remember their names, but one was Betty, I think. They reminded me of me and Anna, on several points. And I liked that they were portrayed as two very different people, and not like being identical, like twins usually are portrayed in movies. First thing that kind of hit close to home for me was how one of them just spoke without the other one liking it and begging her through thoughts to shut up. Then the masturbation thing was very relatable too, as Anna really doesn't like it when I do that. She too, shies away and draws back then. However I can't say which one of the twins more closely reminds me of me or Anna. It was different depending on the aspect.

I know our situations are vastly different. Me and Anna are not conjoined twins, we're a multiple system, and my situation is invisible to the outside world. Only thing that might give it away from time to time might be when I talk out loud to Anna when others are around to hear it. I tend to get confused looks, especially if I'm angry at Anna, and usually that goes in English. Most of our discussions and arguments are in English nowadays, and have been for several years. We adapt to each other as we both change and grow with time.

She's not immune to change, just much more reluctant to it than I am. Her personality seems to be fixed, but her opinions are not. When provided with new information, or problems she can't find solutions to, she does sometimes change her views. Like she was very much against me smoking and drinking in our late teens, but a few years later, she started craving that too. Now I think she's more addicted to nicotine than I am, or maybe something else that I've thought of, is that I think she is more connected to our body than I am.

I mean, it's always she who first notices and tells me when it's time to eat, sleep, smoke and so on. Like she somehow gets the signals before I do. I don't think much about our situation these days. I'm preoccupied with my sex obsession. Much to her dismay, I suppose. I never really figured out what happens to her when I engage in sex with other people. I think it's traumatising for her, but I don't know what happens to her. She just disappears during it, and comes back sometime after. Never talks about it, never shows any kind of emotion.

I think it's likely she carries another part of our common burden regarding the sexual abuse we went through, and that she put me through. I think she's more damaged in that department than I am, or we're just damaged in two very different ways. While I get obsessed with sex and addicted to masturbation, she's completely repulsed by it. So to the point that she can't even fight me or try to stop me when I'm at it. She just draws back until it's over. She never draws back for anything else.

I did tell my mother, by the way, over the phone some hours ago. Because she needs to know why I don't want her to bother me next weekend when I'll have a guest, and she needs to know why I'm suddenly having guests, as just pulling the "friend" -card really wouldn't work for such a recluse as me. Also I wanted to buy more condoms in Visby tomorrow and she's going to drive me there and tag along so she needs to know why I suddenly need condoms. She didn't freak out about what I'm up to these days, she barely even had any questions about it. Suits me fine. I thought it would be easier to say it over the phone than face to face when I'll see her tomorrow.

Think I'm gonna drag my ass over to the bathing/swimming house here in Hemse someday soon (this week, that is) and have myself a little chat with the staff there about my locker room issue, cause I think it would be nice to go swimming a bit, if at all possible there. I mean I would prefer using the men's locker room and showers but with my downstairs situation that might not be what anyone else there prefers.

So I'll need to talk to the staff about what the flying fuck to do about that, since I would want to swim a few laps there every so often as some kind of light/moderate exercise because walking bores me. And I need to find my swim shorts first, maybe. Found them in a drawer. Then finding my way to that place will probably be a bit of a hassle. But whatever, I wrote down a direction I could take that seems like the least complicated. No of course it's not in the center but a bit off. But I think I'll find it. Eventually.

I'm probably gonna mix up the names of my hook up's quite a lot later on. Right now just trying to learn their names. Well the ones I know at least which is just two guys now. Then a third who's real name I don't know yet. Don't know if I will. He keeps saying that he wants to meet me, and I keep suggesting days but then he's quiet for a while until he writes back saying he was too busy and that those days wouldn't work for him. I don't know what's up. I'll just wait and see, no need to stress about it. Also I did tell the guy on the main land who wasn't into hook up's the truth now though, to not lead him on further, before it spirals out of control. Before I hurt him too. Maybe I should make it more clear on my profile on that chatsite that I'm not looking for a relationship. But just how clear do I really need to be? Soon it will be my entire autobiography if I just keep adding more stuff about myself.

It says what I'm looking for there, as two different searches, or what to say. One says that I'm looking for chatting and friendship with all kinds of people; and the other says that I'm looking for sex with older guys/men; and that's it. Says nothing about me looking for a relationship anywhere. But I'm guessing some people may think that I'm just looking for sex in hopes of deeper connections, or friends in hopes of deeper connections.

I don't know what people think. Not everyone wants deeper connections with other people. I only really want shallow connections nowadays. I don't want others too deep under my skin, or into my mind and heart. Keep a certain distance, even when sharing such intimate moments like sex. Keep things on a need-to-know basis, and just a notch deeper for the sake of conversation and having something to talk about before and after.

I should probably be clear on that point about not wanting a relationship with at least some people I meet from there, to hopefully avoid misunderstandings at least. Then of course feelings can arise in either them or me anyway, especially if we keep contact for a while and keep meeting up for more. The guy I met last Thursday did contact me again yesterday, asking if I wanted to meet up again soon. I said yes but wasn't sure about the days I'd be available. Tomorrow I'm busy talking to my therapist, on Thursday I'm gonna need time off and clean my laundry, Friday to Sunday I'm having another guy staying over. So, a quite busy week which basically only leaves Tuesday and Wednesday. But he did quite up front suggest that I could be his "porn haven" under the condition that we get along well and enjoy each other. Sounds exciting.

Yeah I'm booking up a lot and seeing several different guys, but so far it's working out quite nicely for me. As long as I don't mix them up too much and keep protecting myself. I really am constantly horny and wouldn't mind seeing someone almost every day, or at least several days a week. I would need some time to mentally re-charge, cause even though my body is constantly up for it, my mind isn't. However making that actually happen that often isn't as easy as it may or may not sound. They're not always available. Travel needs to be considered. I'm not always available. They're indecisive and stalling. So on and so forth. Also I do like the excitement of switching between partners, it keeps it interesting and more unpredictable.

The guy coming to visit me next weekend might not become a regular, cause he lives on the main land and I can't afford to travel much, however he doesn't seem to be all that tight on money. Having a decent job and all. Wait, why is he still working, by the way? He's over retirement age. Hm, that thought didn't cross my mind before. Not that it really matters to me, but still. I'm sure one can continue working even after 65 and that retiring isn't something one has to do at that specific age, and he's only 2 years above it, but I really don't know all that much about that kind of thing. It's not like I've ever had to worry about it myself.

Yeah there's a bit of an age gap between us. When I said at some point that I like older, I really do mean older. Like a hell of a lot older. But it's not all that incredibly important to me. I prefer them being over 45 but even if they aren't that wouldn't be a roadblock for me. If there's an upper age "limit" in any way for me, it might be somewhere around 80 but I'm really not sure, so I say that very carefully. There might not be a limit. My lowest age limit is somewhere around 20, however. But I doubt I'd actually be interested in a 20 year old. I do have several different reasons for preferring older and not just because I think a more mature guy is more sexually attractive. But of course that is a reason too, and a pretty strong one at that.

I did get very popular on that hook up/dating site quite suddenly, cause I'm one of very few young guys who specifically and openly look for older guys for sex, and the reversed is much more common there. Also my nudes really did help along in making me popular there. But whatever, I'll go to bed soon. It's 5:15 am but I'm not really tired. Just a little, but doubt it's enough to fall asleep. Think it might be too late to take meds for that now, since I need to be up again at latest 12 tomorrow. That's less than 7 hours from now, and if I take Lergigan I usually sleep quite heavily for at least 9 hours. So yeah. I'll get as much sleep as I can, then crash and nap when I get back home again.