Slacking with the writing as of lately. I don't have the right words within me, the right sentences or the right topics. Been drawing more again, I've both missed it and I haven't. Now it feels good to draw again, at least some days. I think I need to re-dye my hair again but it's not so easy to see as my natural hair keeps growing out darker. That's what I want, so not really complaining though. Also my body hair grows out darker too, at least that on my stomach. It's nearly black now. Magic works? Kinda.
One strong reason why I want especially for my head hair to grow out black is because I want to be able to see when I start getting grey hairs. I won't be able to if I keep dyeing my hair. Although I know it's probably at least 20 more years until I can get to have greyish hair naturally, but still. But that means there's no hurry in magically changing its colour. Don't know if I can actually make it jet black that way, but heck, it's worth a try. It's gone from some kind of light/medium brown to dark brown now though, over the course of 5-ish years or so.
It's quite a lot I've altered about my looks since my birth, I come to realise. Eye colour from greyish blue to green, hair colour from light brown to dark brown, weight gain and loss, change of hormones and top surgery, tattoo, piercings. I think that's all but I could have missed something. I only count the permanent/semi permanent changes that I altered magically, medically and through body mods; so hair dye/bleach, makeup, nail polish, clothing styles and such don't count.
I don't think I'm really chronically unhappy with my looks, cause I'm pleased with the changes that have been made so far and don't want to keep changing the same areas. I just hate my genetics and never really liked much of my original looks. I think I will come to an end of wanting to change more, eventually. Or maybe rather, come to a point where I only have the flaws I can't possibly change left to change. Mostly my bone structure, that is. Of having too wide hips and not wide enough jaws.
The latter I manage somewhat with my beard, actually. Somehow I think it does create a bit of an illusion of a more defined jawline and a little less weak chin, but I'm always reminded of how much I'm not pleased with that particular part of my face.
I've been losing my wanting to sleep around, a bit lately. It's both to do with my dysphoria getting worse and my sex drive getting lower. If they're related I don't know for sure. Cause all of the guys I've been in contact with, whether I've actually slept with them or not, just want to fuck me in my front hole and I can't even manage to be clear enough about how I very much do not want that. So those I have been with (just 2 so far) have been poking around in there despite me not wanting to, due to miscommunication and it caused me so much distress I can't even.
It has put me off, and I'm raging inside at a loss for what to do. I'm trying to make things work as they currently are until I can get them changed to something better, but what if I just can't make it work? Life isn't having it my way. It tears up holes within me that weren't there before. It's not unreasonable to think that maybe this is what's causing my sex drive to decrease. Cause if I can't enjoy it, then what's the point?
It's getting more difficult with masturbation again as well, it disgusts me again. Not because of the act but because of the way things look and feel. I don't like getting reminded of how wrong it and gross it feels, and how much I can't do anything about it on my own. Instead I'm stuck here waiting for an appointment with a damn psychologist who's gonna evaluate if I'm mentally ready for such surgery or not or whatever the fuck they'll want to know. They really want to make sure they're not making any mistakes, huh? Like I've already gotten my diagnosis (GID), got cleared that I was stable enough to go on hormones and have top surgery, and got my legal gender and name officially changed, lived full time as male for the past 8 years, so what damn more do they want from me to give me bottom surgery as well? Isn't it just another part of my medical transition?
I don't even get why they value my genitals more than any other part of my body. My body, not theirs. I don't think I value my genitals more than all other parts of my body. In fact I'm pretty sure I value my face and my hands a fair bit more. Is sex and reproduction really all that important to other people? I don't get it. However I certainly am not saying that it's completely unimportant either, obviously. I mean it's one of the most important things about my body, and I think only my face and hands are more important to me, so the rest of my body isn't.
The only reason someone would want to get such bottom surgery is if they're trans and have dysphoria in that area, which the trans team should already know about me by now. Ugh, I just hate the entire Swedish health care system to the bone. I hate how they're always complicating everything and drawing it out in time too. I remember when I just started my transition, and other trans people told me that the whole process would take around 2-3 years. What a damn joke. 8 years later and I'm still not done.
At some point later in my transition, I wished to myself that I would at least be done before I'm 30. Maybe I can still be, I don't know. I've never even heard of anyone else who's had a decade long transition, which is apparently what I'm looking at here. It does feel endless. I'm shifting between losing my patience and holding onto my hopes. Or maybe I do both at the same time, always. But if I can't make shit work at least halfway decently until that day, I don't know how to manage. I need a temporary solution of some kind, but I can't find one.
I keep running into problems with no solutions and the only thing I can do is waiting them out and hope for the best. It's tiring, it's exhausting and it's pissing me off. I feel an aversion to life and reality. It feels like I'm trying to swim against the stream in a storm. Of course I'm being dragged backwards no matter what I fucking do.
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