Fears and worries

There might be another reason for why I'm so against non-binary identities, which is that I feel threatened by that phenomena, and what becomes of its popularity. And I tend to react violently towards what or who I feel threatened by. I'm just spinning more on some previous thoughts, as I haven't really been able to let go of this topic. I have gotten the feeling that the more non-binary identities become established in society, the more people in general don't take transsexuals seriously. That suddenly gender is a performance, a social construction, something that essentially doesn't matter. That that's how the general population sees it.

So then my maleness isn't even considered real and transsexuals get lumped together with those who claim to be non-binary. And the idea that gender is a choice also hints that being transsexual is a choice too. It makes me go all defense and offense in attempts to protect my own validity. All my freaking life I've been fighting to be taken seriously, and for a brief moment in history transsexuals were almost considered real and okay in society, until the non-binary wave hit the fan. It scares me, what will become of the majority of people's opinions and views on transsexuals over time as non-binary gets all the more established.

I'm also worried about being mistaken for non-binary myself. I remember that during the early stages of my transition a lot of other people saw me as some kind of third gender, a neither male nor female kind of person. Some even thought it was a compliment when they referred to me as something gender neutral but it felt just as wrong to me as being referred to as female. And now it seems one has to be super masculine and male-looking to be considered actually male according to how people view non-binary identities. That the slightest bit of femininity would somehow make me something other than male, or both male and female. And I don't want to be/look 100% masculine to avoid being misgendered based on people's ill-placed assumptions.

So, what I'm trying to say is that how other people choose to identify or not really doesn't matter much at all to me, but the impact it has on society, that matters to me. I feel threatened by the phenomena of non-binary identities because of how society reacts to it, how it interprets it, and how I as a binary transsexual may suffer from the consequences of living in that changing society. So I defend myself, foolishly, carelessly. Jump aboard the "truscum" -train and the anti-sjw train in desperation. I know I'm most likely not thinking clearly about my stand point, it becomes an emotional attack to not fall victim myself.

However, if society had reacted differently to non-binary stuff, and if sjw's hadn't been a thing often combined with it, I don't think I would have reacted quite so badly myself. What bothers me the most about the whole concept, is that most people see non-binary people as crazy and attention-seeking people, and they lump them together with binary trans people, as if we were all the same. I've got a huge thorn in my side about that. Now I'm sure not all non-binary people are like that and it's never been my opinion that they would be, but that's not my point.

Of course the best would be if we could all just live side by side and not fight about who belongs into which category, but humans do have a tendency to categorise everyone and everything and sometimes they can do immense damage by doing so without meaning to. I do not know of a solution, and not would it matter if I did. But as far as I'm concerned, it's the sjw non-binary people and their impact on society that I'm against, not actually the non-binary concept in and of itself. Although I still don't understand it. However, my opinions on the sjw's have coloured my opinions on the non-binary concept with or without the sjw bullshit wrapped around it, because it seems most people who are non-binary also are sjw's. But not all of them, and I try my best to keep reminding myself of that, but I keep forgetting it as my own fears and worries rise within me.

I've been thinking of changing my name again. Or rather just add a new first name onto the pile of names I already have, however I might want to remove Eli, but that's not so overly important. I've never felt like John is a suitable or very interesting name for me. I took it mostly cause it was the best I could come up with at the time, and because I back then wanted a neutral "no-name" -name, something non-personal. And now I want something that is personal, interesting and more rare. I would want to change it to Lamont instead, or rather keep John as a middle name then, and add Lamont as a new first name.

I will think about it quite some more first though, before making impulsive decisions about it. Also there's new law about name changes here in Sweden coming out in July, which will mean that the cost to change one's name will go down from 1000 kr to somewhere around 250 kr. So it would be wise for me to wait at least until then. I wouldn't care all too much about which name my friends and family members would choose to call me then though, if I do change it again. I know it would likely drive them nuts if I would tell them they'd have to use that new name then, so I'd like to go easy on them and not demand such a thing. It would be for my own sake anyway, and it's not as a big deal to change my name from a male one to another male one - as it was to change it from a female one to a male one. So it wouldn't be as important.

Mostly I just want a nicer name, something I can feel a bit proud of having. And I did specifically choose a name that starts with an "L" because of my surname starting with that letter, so they'll sound and look nice together. Also, not having the same initials as my sister would be a good thing too. Lamont is of Scandinavian and French origin, and means "lawyer" and "man of law" which would be a bit ironic for me but I kinda like that. Also only 17 people in Sweden have it as their first name, according to random sources online. But whatever, I haven't decided for sure yet, I'm just playing with the thought for now.