I am so beyond pissed now. Again. What a surprise. So I got a note about me having a package to pick up and another letter containing the bill for the wig that I ordered bloody 2,5 weeks ago, so naturally I thought that note was about that I had finally received my wig, so I went to pick it up. But, as I arrived at the post office and got a fucking letter instead I was furious. Nearly tore the damn letter to pieces before even opening it, but managed not to. And what was waiting inside the envelope? Another one of those warnings or you'll get evicted notes, which I had already gotten two of before, and they're all the same. What the fuck is this shit? I fucking got it the first time!
Now I will have to write to the damn company I ordered the wig from and try to not go apeshit crazy with cursing and what not if at all possible at this point. That damn package has, according to the tracking website, been stuck in Järfälla of all god damned places since Friday last week. What the fuck are they up to? Why don't they continue sending it to my address?
Okay just sent a message to the company without any curse words or anything even remotely unpleasant. Now I'm working on getting drunk as fuck just to stay somewhat sane and tolerate this existence for a little while. And I'm waiting for you to come online cause I miss you as fuck, but you're not coming online, and I guess this might be how you're feeling when I'm not available online. I really want you here right now.
The reason as to why I haven't been posting anything here for quite a while is because I haven't been able to write, and if I have it's just been a few lines. Hardly enough for a blog entry. I usually, these days, manage to write a few lines of text about once every third day, which is next to nothing compared to my usual self. I don't know where my creativity has gone. I can't create anything at all, and now alcohol helps but I'm on the verge of being too drunk to write.
I wish I could be poetic, I wish I could be anything. But what is left, but an infinite void and emptiness? Nothing can bring me together, it feels like. And how I still can't keep my anger within even though my apartment depends on it. Catch myself almost screaming "fuck" when my cell phone refuse to send my latest selfie to my e-mail after repeated tries, and how I repeated those tries tenfold, elevenfold, twelvefold and then lost count until I had no more breath to use.
Now only loud music in my headphones and dreaming of seeing you again keeps me sane, but how I cannot even bother with the piece of duct tape on my balcony door to keep the cigarette smoke from swirling into my apartment. Yeah, my mother tried her very best to clean my old apartment that I had been smoking inside for about 3 years in, but it had apparently failed and now my family have to pay 30 thousand Swedish krona to get that apartment fit for a new person to live there. So I should perhaps care at least a little bit about not causing the same ordeal to this apartment, right? Right...?
Well fact is I have no care left at all. Fact is when the winds are too strong on that balcony I light my cigarette halfway inside the apartment cause I'm an addict and if I can't get my fucking fix I will panic and panic has no limits. I smoke a lot less already, maybe somewhere around 10-15 cigarettes a day, but that still doesn't mean I can go one more second without a cigarette when I need one. And have I mentioned how very much I hate this season yet? If it's not raining... oh, fuck that it's freaking constantly raining and I have no roof over my balcony, but aside from the rain, strong winds are more than just common as well.
It feels like something keeps the light away from me. I won't even take another sip of my drink. I thought, perhaps stupidly, that drunkenness would keep my anger away for a while, but it's not helping at all. I'm sick of it all. So fucking sick of this hell.
Saturday, 19 November 2016
Thursday, 3 November 2016
Halfway
Everything feels empty, shallow. Like it doesn't really exist. I lied down on the couch with a cigarette and an hour went by. I don't know if I fell asleep or not. I watched a movie that I hadn't seen before. It was about a girl, maybe around 12 years old, who was abused by both her parents and she had a connection with her twin sister who had committed suicide. Now it lingers, and somehow some aspects of that girl follow me now. Her silence. The way she viewed the world around her. Maybe I'm making my own interpretation, I don't know. It's like everything around me became distant, vague, further away. It's like I keep staring at random normal objects but I can't understand what they are, or if they're real.
My level of consciousness seems to have changed into this strange, slow, disconnected state. I'm not entirely dissociating, but halfway there. So many times I've been there: halfway. It feels like I'm falling and falling expecting to reach the bottom or ground but I never do. I just keep falling. Falling through life.
I thought I was better after my wake-up call, that I was getting better again, but today hasn't been good. It hasn't been bad either, cause I wasn't here. I wasn't anywhere. The whole forenoon and over noon I sat on my chair, watching my mother and sister move my moving boxes back and forth between my apartments, I think it was three times. I just sat there, unable to really do anything. My sister said she had found something I had written online, from 2011 and she hugged me and said she now understood me better. She didn't specify what it was that she found though. I can only really rule out the thing when I was 9, because I know I didn't start writing about that before 2013. Whatever.
The rest of the day went by, unnoticeably. I forgot most of it. Oh yeah, I fell asleep on the couch soon after they had gone and I dreamed about a lost cat of my family's. It was a happy dream, and it tore me to pieces. I wished to not have to dream again for a while. I wished dreamless sleep, cause even the good dreams make me feel shitty upon waking up. I want no dreams at all.
That was when this empty, detachment started. A certain sadness lingers within me, but I don't know why it's there or where it came from. I'm not completely apathetic, I can still do things. Like cooking, eating, smoking, writing, but I am only halfway aware of what I'm doing. I believe that if someone would look me in my eyes now they would clearly see that I'm not quite alright. But I would appear, still somewhat functioning.
I cannot seem to fix my sleeping pattern, it is totally wrecked. I sleep around 5-6 hours in the morning until my mother usually wakes me up upon arriving at my front door, then I'm awake for some time, but crash in bed or couch around noon. Sleep for a couple of hours, then up again. Then that repeats. I usually take two to three naps a day because I'm literally unable to stay awake. I fell asleep trying to stay awake, sitting in uncomfortable positions by my desk, several times today. Nothing seems to work. I do eat food, at least one cooked meal a day, several sandwiches and often some sweets too. I do drink a lot of coffee. I try to go to bed earlier but it's hopeless.
I do dread tomorrow. My uncle is gonna come by and help me, my mother and possibly also my sister to move my furniture to the new apartment, and they're gonna come early. Of course. I won't have gotten that much sleep, I'm just gonna assume, and I'll probably be even more lethargic, exhausted and apathetic. If I'll even be able to get out of bed.
Oh, I forgot to mention. Something else that's been tormenting me today was intense stomachache which I could only figure out was menstrual cramps. I had no pain killers at home, they had been taken to my new apartment. But after resting on the couch for that hour, the pain had gone. And I'm indifferent to the relief I'm supposed to feel.
My level of consciousness seems to have changed into this strange, slow, disconnected state. I'm not entirely dissociating, but halfway there. So many times I've been there: halfway. It feels like I'm falling and falling expecting to reach the bottom or ground but I never do. I just keep falling. Falling through life.
I thought I was better after my wake-up call, that I was getting better again, but today hasn't been good. It hasn't been bad either, cause I wasn't here. I wasn't anywhere. The whole forenoon and over noon I sat on my chair, watching my mother and sister move my moving boxes back and forth between my apartments, I think it was three times. I just sat there, unable to really do anything. My sister said she had found something I had written online, from 2011 and she hugged me and said she now understood me better. She didn't specify what it was that she found though. I can only really rule out the thing when I was 9, because I know I didn't start writing about that before 2013. Whatever.
The rest of the day went by, unnoticeably. I forgot most of it. Oh yeah, I fell asleep on the couch soon after they had gone and I dreamed about a lost cat of my family's. It was a happy dream, and it tore me to pieces. I wished to not have to dream again for a while. I wished dreamless sleep, cause even the good dreams make me feel shitty upon waking up. I want no dreams at all.
That was when this empty, detachment started. A certain sadness lingers within me, but I don't know why it's there or where it came from. I'm not completely apathetic, I can still do things. Like cooking, eating, smoking, writing, but I am only halfway aware of what I'm doing. I believe that if someone would look me in my eyes now they would clearly see that I'm not quite alright. But I would appear, still somewhat functioning.
I cannot seem to fix my sleeping pattern, it is totally wrecked. I sleep around 5-6 hours in the morning until my mother usually wakes me up upon arriving at my front door, then I'm awake for some time, but crash in bed or couch around noon. Sleep for a couple of hours, then up again. Then that repeats. I usually take two to three naps a day because I'm literally unable to stay awake. I fell asleep trying to stay awake, sitting in uncomfortable positions by my desk, several times today. Nothing seems to work. I do eat food, at least one cooked meal a day, several sandwiches and often some sweets too. I do drink a lot of coffee. I try to go to bed earlier but it's hopeless.
I do dread tomorrow. My uncle is gonna come by and help me, my mother and possibly also my sister to move my furniture to the new apartment, and they're gonna come early. Of course. I won't have gotten that much sleep, I'm just gonna assume, and I'll probably be even more lethargic, exhausted and apathetic. If I'll even be able to get out of bed.
Oh, I forgot to mention. Something else that's been tormenting me today was intense stomachache which I could only figure out was menstrual cramps. I had no pain killers at home, they had been taken to my new apartment. But after resting on the couch for that hour, the pain had gone. And I'm indifferent to the relief I'm supposed to feel.
Sunday, 30 October 2016
Wake-up call
I need to say this, I'm not sure if you know anything about it. Please do not panic, this doesn't have anything to do with you, me or anyone we personally know. It's about Teal Swan on youtube. At first I was skeptical, then I fell for her openness, but always remained somewhat skeptical. I can still not claim to be able to confirm anything, but seems like things are not looking so good for her authenticity. I've come across several different people who have claimed she is in fact a fraud and or harmful which includes a lot of various accusations.
One of those accusations is that three people who took her advice have committed suicide because of what she told them. Right or wrong? Not my place to judge. Others have said that she promotes suicide with the claim that it has no consequences on a spiritual level, which they claim was the cause of her followers suicides. On a less severe note people also accuse her of having stolen and twisted ancient teachings (can't remember which one right now).
However, whatever the case is with Teal Swan, I do choose for now to not fully trust or join any side. All I'm saying is that I'll be more cautious when watching her videos and listening to whatever she's saying.
On another side note, I did come across a to me very interesting view on suicide and its consequences from one of these people's videos, from a spiritual perspective. It did actually manage to shake my numbness, and I do believe that is indeed something powerful because I have not been able to do so at all until now, despite trying very hard, for weeks now. Although I do realise now, that I've been watching the wrong videos entirely. I guess you could say that the message got through.
Now, no matter if that person was right or wrong about her statements, that is not important. I've come to the point with my trust issues where I think there's no point in just blindly believing complete strangers whatever they're saying, no matter the circumstances, how "believable" it sounds or doesn't, their body language or anything, but to focus on trusting the people that matter to me.
I can be shaken emotionally and on an intellectual level, by something I'm told, without putting any trust into it. I look beyond whether a statement is true or false and into what does it changes within me. Now this is very difficult for me to explain as well as I would like to, but I try. When I watched that video, what I felt was that something fell into place within me. Not because of what I was told, but because of what I already knew.
I don't know if I've told you this at some point, but it is my belief that every single bit of knowledge is already within us all. It's just that some have more access to more and different things than others, or more likely, they only think they got access to different things than others. That is however not me stating it as some kind of fact, it is just a belief. That our knowledge comes from within, but I do also think that interacting with others is just as important as interacting with ourselves to get access to that knowledge. I've had that belief for at least the past 10, maybe even 15, years.
But, back to the video, this person also said something else that also hit me hard. She said, that there are divine worlds out there (not earth then) where people live with a certain kind of enlightenment, but it is not the same kind of enlightenment that can be obtained here on earth. That the kind one can achieve here, is the ultimate form of enlightenment. That being put in a human body is basically the greatest gift to get to achieve that. (That also lead to her further explaining why suicide does have consequences, as she said that destroying one's human body is to not accept that gift, and karma will get you, but a bit more complicated than that). I hope I'm remembering this at least somewhat right, but if not I can easily find that youtube video again. However, what she said about those divine worlds, hit me hard because I think she spoke about Dala. That Dala very well might be such a place. I'll definitely add that to one of many possibilities if not else.
Was this a wake-up call? Can I somehow get back on track again and try to stop abusing myself as I've been doing these past two or so weeks? I cannot say for sure, but it definitely stirred something within me. I do realise I'm not giving you the full picture of my experience, but I'm so out of place these days I simply cannot. As I write I cannot give the details in the right order or precisely describe them. But my point is, that whatever happened within me, for just a moment, I could see my past, my present and my future exactly how they were tied together and all significant. All there, at once.
Now, if I can just pull my ass out of this damn chair and go do something about it, that is something different. I need more time to think and collect myself before becoming any means of social again, meaning I'll continue to stay offline for the rest of the night and maybe tomorrow I'll feel up for talking again. I hope so. I have so much to say, perhaps mostly about other unrelated things though, but I never have the energy to bring it up. Hopefully, as I'll start to take better care for myself again, at least some of my these days quite horrible state of mind can be stabilised or something. Starting with going to bed at a more reasonable time than dawn. Then I'll take it from there.
One of those accusations is that three people who took her advice have committed suicide because of what she told them. Right or wrong? Not my place to judge. Others have said that she promotes suicide with the claim that it has no consequences on a spiritual level, which they claim was the cause of her followers suicides. On a less severe note people also accuse her of having stolen and twisted ancient teachings (can't remember which one right now).
However, whatever the case is with Teal Swan, I do choose for now to not fully trust or join any side. All I'm saying is that I'll be more cautious when watching her videos and listening to whatever she's saying.
On another side note, I did come across a to me very interesting view on suicide and its consequences from one of these people's videos, from a spiritual perspective. It did actually manage to shake my numbness, and I do believe that is indeed something powerful because I have not been able to do so at all until now, despite trying very hard, for weeks now. Although I do realise now, that I've been watching the wrong videos entirely. I guess you could say that the message got through.
Now, no matter if that person was right or wrong about her statements, that is not important. I've come to the point with my trust issues where I think there's no point in just blindly believing complete strangers whatever they're saying, no matter the circumstances, how "believable" it sounds or doesn't, their body language or anything, but to focus on trusting the people that matter to me.
I can be shaken emotionally and on an intellectual level, by something I'm told, without putting any trust into it. I look beyond whether a statement is true or false and into what does it changes within me. Now this is very difficult for me to explain as well as I would like to, but I try. When I watched that video, what I felt was that something fell into place within me. Not because of what I was told, but because of what I already knew.
I don't know if I've told you this at some point, but it is my belief that every single bit of knowledge is already within us all. It's just that some have more access to more and different things than others, or more likely, they only think they got access to different things than others. That is however not me stating it as some kind of fact, it is just a belief. That our knowledge comes from within, but I do also think that interacting with others is just as important as interacting with ourselves to get access to that knowledge. I've had that belief for at least the past 10, maybe even 15, years.
But, back to the video, this person also said something else that also hit me hard. She said, that there are divine worlds out there (not earth then) where people live with a certain kind of enlightenment, but it is not the same kind of enlightenment that can be obtained here on earth. That the kind one can achieve here, is the ultimate form of enlightenment. That being put in a human body is basically the greatest gift to get to achieve that. (That also lead to her further explaining why suicide does have consequences, as she said that destroying one's human body is to not accept that gift, and karma will get you, but a bit more complicated than that). I hope I'm remembering this at least somewhat right, but if not I can easily find that youtube video again. However, what she said about those divine worlds, hit me hard because I think she spoke about Dala. That Dala very well might be such a place. I'll definitely add that to one of many possibilities if not else.
Was this a wake-up call? Can I somehow get back on track again and try to stop abusing myself as I've been doing these past two or so weeks? I cannot say for sure, but it definitely stirred something within me. I do realise I'm not giving you the full picture of my experience, but I'm so out of place these days I simply cannot. As I write I cannot give the details in the right order or precisely describe them. But my point is, that whatever happened within me, for just a moment, I could see my past, my present and my future exactly how they were tied together and all significant. All there, at once.
Now, if I can just pull my ass out of this damn chair and go do something about it, that is something different. I need more time to think and collect myself before becoming any means of social again, meaning I'll continue to stay offline for the rest of the night and maybe tomorrow I'll feel up for talking again. I hope so. I have so much to say, perhaps mostly about other unrelated things though, but I never have the energy to bring it up. Hopefully, as I'll start to take better care for myself again, at least some of my these days quite horrible state of mind can be stabilised or something. Starting with going to bed at a more reasonable time than dawn. Then I'll take it from there.
Monday, 24 October 2016
Not my day, apparently
So, today didn't have the best start even though I managed to get a couple of hours more sleep in the morning just before school. My headache is somewhere up at a 6, bordering to a 7 on a pain scale, I feel completely out of whack and my thoughts won't stop spinning. Everyone in my class got the assignment/question-thingy late yesterday that said "describe a situation in which you felt respected" and at school this morning everyone shared their stories except from me. Why? Cause I told the teacher that I was tired of discussing that issue and that I ignored the question/assignment.
Then when they asked me what I would be interested in doing with the class on one day at the holiday week (which is next week apparently) and I said I want to be left alone cause I need to rest. Also I declined participating in an art exhibition thing that I had said I was interested in before, but I said it was just too much for me right now so I decided to skip it. I'm increasingly trying to take better care of myself, rest as much as I can without entirely dropping out of school, and I just don't listen if anyone is against any of those decisions.
One classmate noticed my vibes or something today and she asked me how I was. I did tell her that I'm overstressed and emotionally shut off because of it, and she seemed to be understanding. I also talked a bit to other classmates mostly during cigarette breaks.
Aaaarghhh... of course there are troubles with my moving situation. So, my mother just made a phone call to Gotlandshem (the instance my new apartment is owned by, that I'd be renting from) and got some rather annoying news. My mother had been very clearly told this summer that if I wanted to get rid of LSS there was no way I could keep this apartment. Also she was told I do not have to keep paying for this apartment for 3 months after leaving it upon moving, but... now she was told the exact opposite of those things and there's no way my family could afford both rents for both apartments for 3 months. I asked her if the instance I get my money from and which also pays for most of my rent now couldn't possible help us out but she did not think so.
Now, as my mother called Gotlandshem from my apartment she didn't have access to look at my contract for this apartment (there was something important said in it that she needed to check but couldn't remember) she will continue talking to Gotlandshem when she's gotten back home and can look at my contract. And of course the two different instances, Gotlandshem and LSS, don't have any contact what so ever with each other and none of them knows what the other is doing. Great.
Now I'm feeling way too fucking dead to even be able to truly take all this in and I'm glad for that. I will try to not start worrying about it too much and let my mother help me handle this chaos and hope for the best. I truly can not deal with any of this kind of stuff. It would break me on a good day, these days it would disintegrate me. So I simply cannot take this kind of responsibility and take charge over the situation. I stand beside and try and not get too worried, it's all that I can do. This society and all its fucking systems are starting to really annoy me now. I more than just sensed how distressed my mother now is about this, it was like she just let go of everything and went home. Like the air just went out of her.
I don't know what to say or do, but to try to support her on an emotional level and try not to let this get me down as well. The issue is still not solved and there are one person's words against another's. I cannot know the outcome yet, all I can do is wait and hope this won't become an economical and legal disaster. I need to shut off some more right now.
Then when they asked me what I would be interested in doing with the class on one day at the holiday week (which is next week apparently) and I said I want to be left alone cause I need to rest. Also I declined participating in an art exhibition thing that I had said I was interested in before, but I said it was just too much for me right now so I decided to skip it. I'm increasingly trying to take better care of myself, rest as much as I can without entirely dropping out of school, and I just don't listen if anyone is against any of those decisions.
One classmate noticed my vibes or something today and she asked me how I was. I did tell her that I'm overstressed and emotionally shut off because of it, and she seemed to be understanding. I also talked a bit to other classmates mostly during cigarette breaks.
Aaaarghhh... of course there are troubles with my moving situation. So, my mother just made a phone call to Gotlandshem (the instance my new apartment is owned by, that I'd be renting from) and got some rather annoying news. My mother had been very clearly told this summer that if I wanted to get rid of LSS there was no way I could keep this apartment. Also she was told I do not have to keep paying for this apartment for 3 months after leaving it upon moving, but... now she was told the exact opposite of those things and there's no way my family could afford both rents for both apartments for 3 months. I asked her if the instance I get my money from and which also pays for most of my rent now couldn't possible help us out but she did not think so.
Now, as my mother called Gotlandshem from my apartment she didn't have access to look at my contract for this apartment (there was something important said in it that she needed to check but couldn't remember) she will continue talking to Gotlandshem when she's gotten back home and can look at my contract. And of course the two different instances, Gotlandshem and LSS, don't have any contact what so ever with each other and none of them knows what the other is doing. Great.
Now I'm feeling way too fucking dead to even be able to truly take all this in and I'm glad for that. I will try to not start worrying about it too much and let my mother help me handle this chaos and hope for the best. I truly can not deal with any of this kind of stuff. It would break me on a good day, these days it would disintegrate me. So I simply cannot take this kind of responsibility and take charge over the situation. I stand beside and try and not get too worried, it's all that I can do. This society and all its fucking systems are starting to really annoy me now. I more than just sensed how distressed my mother now is about this, it was like she just let go of everything and went home. Like the air just went out of her.
I don't know what to say or do, but to try to support her on an emotional level and try not to let this get me down as well. The issue is still not solved and there are one person's words against another's. I cannot know the outcome yet, all I can do is wait and hope this won't become an economical and legal disaster. I need to shut off some more right now.
Fear
Oh my fucking god! Just trying to process a short dream that I just had. It started out with the fairly harmless, witty joke: "This is is Scotty, don't ever call him Scotland." and I saw a lonesome man in a suit sitting down by a table in some kind of building. Could have been a café but looked more like a conference room. Then he pulled up the dead and badly rotten body of a man into his lap, feet first. The body wasn't clothed except from the crotch. The man apparently named Scotty then proceeded to carefully and slowly unwrap the dead guy's dick and I could hear at first a faint pounding from it, as if he was about to unleash some kind of monster from the layers and layers of fabric, then the pounding increased in strength for every beat... I managed to somehow force myself awake before the guy was finished with the unwrapping, and I knew exactly what his intentions was. I just shudder at the horror of it... But in case I'm not clear enough, I knew his intention was to put whatever was left of the dead guy's dick into his mouth.
Okay... moving on. Before that dream, I had a quite long, dark, complicated and confusing dream about us. I cannot possibly include every single detail of it for three reasons: 1) it's fading from my memory, 2) I'm too tired to write that much, and 3) I don't want to reveal way too personal details about you online. However, the dream kinda started with that you visited me in Sweden, suddenly you were just there. We half shared a very long night. I couldn't sleep so I went up to draw, but it was so dark in the room that I didn't see (or in any other way notice, apparently) that you later also got up because you couldn't sleep either. We ended up in separate rooms and by the time I was tired enough to crawl back into bed again, I noticed you weren't there. I tried to go back to sleep but was still unable too, I couldn't figure out where to you had gone. The next morning I woke up and some hours later you told me via facebook that you had gone back home again. It had for me been a misunderstanding that you had only planned on staying one night and I was pretty upset by the outcome.
Moving on into the same dream. I woke up at a party with no memory of how I got there or where I was. For some reason I couldn't figure out what language people were talking but I used English whenever I would talk to someone. It was a to me very strange party, dark, gloomy and the atmosphere was very intense. You were at the party too, blending into the mass of people trying to fit in all the many small rooms, while I didn't quite blend in as I was mostly just lost and tried to not lose you in the crowd, but what I was more afraid of, was losing you to the darkness of that party.
Basically, what was going on were a lot of heavy drugs, downright dystopia and people were losing their minds until they basically became just shells. They became deeply depressed, overdosed, dozed off and wouldn't wake up. Not technically dead, but lost. I lost my best friend in that dream, as I found her near the end of it, lost in that vegetative-state. I tried to wake her up but when I was told there's no use, I wrapped her up in blankets on the sofa she was lying in cause it looked like she was cold, shivering. And then I sat there, adjusting the blankets, for quite some time.
Mostly I ran around in the rooms trying to find you and not lose track of you. I tried to convince that please don't take more drugs. You were still able to walk around, even talk but not a lot, but you weren't coherent or showing any signs of emotion, and you didn't seem to recognise me or understand what I was trying to tell you. I often found you in the bathroom. You were then standing in line waiting for your turn, but you never got in there. So you just continued to walk around seemingly aimlessly. You changed clothes a bunch of times and I also often found you among a group of people who were your friends but they were strangers to me and I didn't trust them at all. They kept inviting you do to more drugs and lead you to different rooms all the time.
As I still couldn't figure out where I was I eventually asked a small group of not so heavily drugged people where I was, like in which country. They just stared at me as if I was crazy, but then I explained my situation and that I often used to travel between Sweden and Germany. Then they seemed to think I was alright so they gave me the answer that we were in Dortmund. (My memory is crappy so I just now had to google it to see if it was a real place or something my mind made up).
It wasn't until the very end of the dream that things finally turned brighter again. We were alone just outside of the building, breathing in the fresh air, when you suddenly told me that you wanted to show me, I'm not gonna say it straight out here, but what about you that you've been trying to decide if you would want for me to see or not, meaning in reality. In my dream you didn't wait for an answer but I was quick to stop you, I looked deeply into your eyes and told that it was not the best time or place to make that decision, I urged you to truly think about it. Cause although I was excited, it was more important that you would feel comfortable and not regret it if or when you'd sober up again. We sat there for a while as I saw you were trying your best to think in that situation. Eventually you did break through the drugs and slowly started to become yourself again. We embraced each other tightly and just couldn't stop crying.
Do I have some fear maybe, of losing you, kinda showing through heavily in my dream? I do think however that the drugs were just an example. There are many ways to lose someone. I am so glad for the happy ending though. Saved me from waking up in utter distress. Though it was very sad seeing my best friend like that in the dream. But for some reason I feel detached from that part of the dream, maybe because I refused to truly accept that she was gone. Then I was more affected by seeing in you in that state, watching you damaging yourself further, and feeling utterly helpless in the situation no matter what I did. That was scary to say the least.
Just finished my cup of caffeine free coffee and time is 6:12 am. I've already been up for more than an hour writing this and trying to remember. The dreams bring up more thoughts than feelings. They're there, but they're subtle. Don't know if I'll go back to sleep or not yet. I have school soon.
Okay... moving on. Before that dream, I had a quite long, dark, complicated and confusing dream about us. I cannot possibly include every single detail of it for three reasons: 1) it's fading from my memory, 2) I'm too tired to write that much, and 3) I don't want to reveal way too personal details about you online. However, the dream kinda started with that you visited me in Sweden, suddenly you were just there. We half shared a very long night. I couldn't sleep so I went up to draw, but it was so dark in the room that I didn't see (or in any other way notice, apparently) that you later also got up because you couldn't sleep either. We ended up in separate rooms and by the time I was tired enough to crawl back into bed again, I noticed you weren't there. I tried to go back to sleep but was still unable too, I couldn't figure out where to you had gone. The next morning I woke up and some hours later you told me via facebook that you had gone back home again. It had for me been a misunderstanding that you had only planned on staying one night and I was pretty upset by the outcome.
Moving on into the same dream. I woke up at a party with no memory of how I got there or where I was. For some reason I couldn't figure out what language people were talking but I used English whenever I would talk to someone. It was a to me very strange party, dark, gloomy and the atmosphere was very intense. You were at the party too, blending into the mass of people trying to fit in all the many small rooms, while I didn't quite blend in as I was mostly just lost and tried to not lose you in the crowd, but what I was more afraid of, was losing you to the darkness of that party.
Basically, what was going on were a lot of heavy drugs, downright dystopia and people were losing their minds until they basically became just shells. They became deeply depressed, overdosed, dozed off and wouldn't wake up. Not technically dead, but lost. I lost my best friend in that dream, as I found her near the end of it, lost in that vegetative-state. I tried to wake her up but when I was told there's no use, I wrapped her up in blankets on the sofa she was lying in cause it looked like she was cold, shivering. And then I sat there, adjusting the blankets, for quite some time.
Mostly I ran around in the rooms trying to find you and not lose track of you. I tried to convince that please don't take more drugs. You were still able to walk around, even talk but not a lot, but you weren't coherent or showing any signs of emotion, and you didn't seem to recognise me or understand what I was trying to tell you. I often found you in the bathroom. You were then standing in line waiting for your turn, but you never got in there. So you just continued to walk around seemingly aimlessly. You changed clothes a bunch of times and I also often found you among a group of people who were your friends but they were strangers to me and I didn't trust them at all. They kept inviting you do to more drugs and lead you to different rooms all the time.
As I still couldn't figure out where I was I eventually asked a small group of not so heavily drugged people where I was, like in which country. They just stared at me as if I was crazy, but then I explained my situation and that I often used to travel between Sweden and Germany. Then they seemed to think I was alright so they gave me the answer that we were in Dortmund. (My memory is crappy so I just now had to google it to see if it was a real place or something my mind made up).
It wasn't until the very end of the dream that things finally turned brighter again. We were alone just outside of the building, breathing in the fresh air, when you suddenly told me that you wanted to show me, I'm not gonna say it straight out here, but what about you that you've been trying to decide if you would want for me to see or not, meaning in reality. In my dream you didn't wait for an answer but I was quick to stop you, I looked deeply into your eyes and told that it was not the best time or place to make that decision, I urged you to truly think about it. Cause although I was excited, it was more important that you would feel comfortable and not regret it if or when you'd sober up again. We sat there for a while as I saw you were trying your best to think in that situation. Eventually you did break through the drugs and slowly started to become yourself again. We embraced each other tightly and just couldn't stop crying.
Do I have some fear maybe, of losing you, kinda showing through heavily in my dream? I do think however that the drugs were just an example. There are many ways to lose someone. I am so glad for the happy ending though. Saved me from waking up in utter distress. Though it was very sad seeing my best friend like that in the dream. But for some reason I feel detached from that part of the dream, maybe because I refused to truly accept that she was gone. Then I was more affected by seeing in you in that state, watching you damaging yourself further, and feeling utterly helpless in the situation no matter what I did. That was scary to say the least.
Just finished my cup of caffeine free coffee and time is 6:12 am. I've already been up for more than an hour writing this and trying to remember. The dreams bring up more thoughts than feelings. They're there, but they're subtle. Don't know if I'll go back to sleep or not yet. I have school soon.
Friday, 21 October 2016
On the topic of darkness
My mind is ravaging an endless flow of thoughts today. Most of them just pass through. But one thing I feel like bringing up is that I'm a lot more like Anna when I'm in this state, but I tolerate her less than usually. Now I think she's just an annoying bitch who should shut the fuck up cause I've had it with her insolence nonsense and utter bullshit. I curse more at her, insult her more brutally, but everything I say just runs off her like water on a goose. She's just as mean towards me and somehow it's astonishing to me how we can be so utterly horrible to each other and then just "whatever, coffee and a sandwich on that?"
(What I'm about to tell you I've never opened up about before, I want to warn you it is not nice. I feel less scared of my darkness when I'm in the state that I am now, I feel okay sharing this now. And I've been close to many times, but been scared to. I know you won't judge me, but I feel it is time to let you know the reality of my situation with Anna. Why I cannot truly just accept her as she is, why I can't stand her most of the time, why she cannot possibly be a guardian angel of mine.)
It's as if we've become immune to each others hatred and despise and foul language that it doesn't bother any of us anymore. Yes, we can be extremely horrible to each other, like that one time, 5,5 years ago, I think it was spring 2011 and we were 21 years old. She started our second war by actually raping me and in my defense I tormented her and she tormented me constantly for months afterwards. We called each other every horrible thing we could even think of, threw threats at each other (oh, but death threats and torture threats are just common daily life for us these days, but it was extreme back then). What eventually "ended" the war was that we agreed to a truce of some kind, because we both realised that we were stuck with each other and had to make our lives tolerable again. It was the only way we could survive.
Now how would such a rape even be possible? I don't know for sure if that word is exactly correct in this context, but what else should I call it? What happened, was that she took over my body, against my will, when we were having a verbal fight one day, I think it was February or March 2011, and well, she controlling my hands and all, me not being able to do anything but in thoughts scream at her to fucking stop, she... uhm... yeah, how to describe that delicately... brutally used my own hands (and other stuff I might want to add) in my nether regions to a painful degree. That fucked me up, but I haven't told anyone about it before.
Should I even count it as the third time of being sexually assaulted, or am I just that crazy? I was literally fighting against my own body, against my own mind. No, things were never truly "fine" between us again after that. I will never forgive her and she knows that. Who is the prisoner in who's head now again? We are dangerous in each others company, we are toxic to each other in sometimes a very high degree. But even if that can not in any way count as actual sexual assault, fact remains that it fucked me up to a considerable degree and it definitely fucked up my relationship to Anna. Is she evil? Hard to say, but she's certainly not good.
But I still believe that I need her, for utter selfish reasons. And I think I have every right to be selfish when it comes to her. She's not a real person, she's a figment of my imagination and I kept her for a reason. She still holds key information to my self discovery, and even though I hate her fucking guts, I still love her too.
So yeah, in some way, I guess one could say that I'm still holding onto an 18 years old abusive relationship with a part of myself. And whether or not you think what happened between me and Anna could count as rape or not, that was how it felt. I'm only using that word to describe how I perceive it, as I'm the only real person who can account for what happened. Because speaking of darkness, that's the really dark side in my situation with Anna. Luckily, it has not yet become darker than that, but it might also be as dark as it possibly can get, what do I know. She knows how to push my buttons, and she has no limit what so ever as to how far she'll go. That's the really scary thing about her. She can be so fucking ice cold that anyone in my situation would be running towards anything and anyone just to survive.
But, that's why I feel absolutely free to be cruel to her in return. I know she can take and if she cant, she definitely deserves it. Yeah, I know, this is very much a "fight fire with fire" -situation. Actually that quote fits remarkably well. But how are things really between us now, more than five years after that completely unforgivable thing she did? If or rather when she brings it up, things get heated. I might throw some random insults and threats her way, she gawks and grins and I scream at her some more. No one can win, that, or I lost many years ago.
Fact is it is very humiliating to me. I don't know about other people who have been sexually assaulted more than once, but after the first time for me, I was like... this shouldn't happen again, I should learn to defend myself *takes karate lessons for three years* - still ends up being assaulted a second time *not okay in the least bit of sense but I really, I mean really, should defend myself if I even remotely think things might lead in that direction again, this is getting humiliating* - it happens a third time *okay guess what I'm sick of this shit and if anyone as much as looks at me the wrong way I'm gonna get the fuck out of there or lose my senses completely and beat them up in advance* That's is just my emotional response, but my point is, that for every time, something has definitely been shooting more sparks within me, and yes, I am still putting some of the blame on myself cause it's just not okay for me to end up in that kind of situation three times. It's just not.
But however, now you know more about my darkness than I've been comfortable telling you about before. My situation with Anna is pretty damn screwed up, to say the least. I don't go around thinking "what happened that day should not be possible" because it did happen, but I know that going around talking about it, however casual or serious, most people would just think I'm utterly crazy beyond their belief. And I do feel ashamed, I do feel very humiliated and the whole event just took away so much of my own autonomy, my own power and control over my own body, that I just don't have words to describe it. How can I? Ultimately, she is my prisoner, and I am hers. I am not safe with her, but I'm so attached to her that I can't imagine living with the void within me it would become if she suddenly wasn't there anymore. Yes, our relationship can be truly toxic, if it isn't all the time. But no, I can't let go. She's a part of me.
(What I'm about to tell you I've never opened up about before, I want to warn you it is not nice. I feel less scared of my darkness when I'm in the state that I am now, I feel okay sharing this now. And I've been close to many times, but been scared to. I know you won't judge me, but I feel it is time to let you know the reality of my situation with Anna. Why I cannot truly just accept her as she is, why I can't stand her most of the time, why she cannot possibly be a guardian angel of mine.)
It's as if we've become immune to each others hatred and despise and foul language that it doesn't bother any of us anymore. Yes, we can be extremely horrible to each other, like that one time, 5,5 years ago, I think it was spring 2011 and we were 21 years old. She started our second war by actually raping me and in my defense I tormented her and she tormented me constantly for months afterwards. We called each other every horrible thing we could even think of, threw threats at each other (oh, but death threats and torture threats are just common daily life for us these days, but it was extreme back then). What eventually "ended" the war was that we agreed to a truce of some kind, because we both realised that we were stuck with each other and had to make our lives tolerable again. It was the only way we could survive.
Now how would such a rape even be possible? I don't know for sure if that word is exactly correct in this context, but what else should I call it? What happened, was that she took over my body, against my will, when we were having a verbal fight one day, I think it was February or March 2011, and well, she controlling my hands and all, me not being able to do anything but in thoughts scream at her to fucking stop, she... uhm... yeah, how to describe that delicately... brutally used my own hands (and other stuff I might want to add) in my nether regions to a painful degree. That fucked me up, but I haven't told anyone about it before.
Should I even count it as the third time of being sexually assaulted, or am I just that crazy? I was literally fighting against my own body, against my own mind. No, things were never truly "fine" between us again after that. I will never forgive her and she knows that. Who is the prisoner in who's head now again? We are dangerous in each others company, we are toxic to each other in sometimes a very high degree. But even if that can not in any way count as actual sexual assault, fact remains that it fucked me up to a considerable degree and it definitely fucked up my relationship to Anna. Is she evil? Hard to say, but she's certainly not good.
But I still believe that I need her, for utter selfish reasons. And I think I have every right to be selfish when it comes to her. She's not a real person, she's a figment of my imagination and I kept her for a reason. She still holds key information to my self discovery, and even though I hate her fucking guts, I still love her too.
So yeah, in some way, I guess one could say that I'm still holding onto an 18 years old abusive relationship with a part of myself. And whether or not you think what happened between me and Anna could count as rape or not, that was how it felt. I'm only using that word to describe how I perceive it, as I'm the only real person who can account for what happened. Because speaking of darkness, that's the really dark side in my situation with Anna. Luckily, it has not yet become darker than that, but it might also be as dark as it possibly can get, what do I know. She knows how to push my buttons, and she has no limit what so ever as to how far she'll go. That's the really scary thing about her. She can be so fucking ice cold that anyone in my situation would be running towards anything and anyone just to survive.
But, that's why I feel absolutely free to be cruel to her in return. I know she can take and if she cant, she definitely deserves it. Yeah, I know, this is very much a "fight fire with fire" -situation. Actually that quote fits remarkably well. But how are things really between us now, more than five years after that completely unforgivable thing she did? If or rather when she brings it up, things get heated. I might throw some random insults and threats her way, she gawks and grins and I scream at her some more. No one can win, that, or I lost many years ago.
Fact is it is very humiliating to me. I don't know about other people who have been sexually assaulted more than once, but after the first time for me, I was like... this shouldn't happen again, I should learn to defend myself *takes karate lessons for three years* - still ends up being assaulted a second time *not okay in the least bit of sense but I really, I mean really, should defend myself if I even remotely think things might lead in that direction again, this is getting humiliating* - it happens a third time *okay guess what I'm sick of this shit and if anyone as much as looks at me the wrong way I'm gonna get the fuck out of there or lose my senses completely and beat them up in advance* That's is just my emotional response, but my point is, that for every time, something has definitely been shooting more sparks within me, and yes, I am still putting some of the blame on myself cause it's just not okay for me to end up in that kind of situation three times. It's just not.
But however, now you know more about my darkness than I've been comfortable telling you about before. My situation with Anna is pretty damn screwed up, to say the least. I don't go around thinking "what happened that day should not be possible" because it did happen, but I know that going around talking about it, however casual or serious, most people would just think I'm utterly crazy beyond their belief. And I do feel ashamed, I do feel very humiliated and the whole event just took away so much of my own autonomy, my own power and control over my own body, that I just don't have words to describe it. How can I? Ultimately, she is my prisoner, and I am hers. I am not safe with her, but I'm so attached to her that I can't imagine living with the void within me it would become if she suddenly wasn't there anymore. Yes, our relationship can be truly toxic, if it isn't all the time. But no, I can't let go. She's a part of me.
Wednesday, 19 October 2016
The hidden showing through
I feel stranger the more I braid, and it's not the weight on my head. It's as if I'm changing by the minute. It reminds me of when I used to switch between what I called "light" and "dark" versions of myself. As if something triggered me, ticked me off the edge and parts of my mind are changing as a result of that. My lack of interest for the world around me is growing stronger, and I feel a strong urge to just hide away for some time. From school, from the German course I have no wish to attend to tomorrow, from social events, classmates and most of my friends. Perhaps all the stress lately triggered this somewhat dissociative state.
I feel difficulty connecting, both to myself and everyone and everything around me. As if they're all in another universe. I feel darker, less affectionate, further away. And I think it's just getting worse. I think it started already this Monday, as my impatience for the synthetic hair to arrive was... unusual, to me. I couldn't think clearly about it, it was as if nothing else mattered except from getting that synthetic hair. And now that I got it today, I don't feel satisfied, better or anything at all. I feel a certain coldness within me that freezes my every emotion.
When last I changed like this, it felt very much the same as it does now. Strange, yet familiar. Walking feels different, the face I see in the mirror appears to look different, my entire body feels different. My thoughts and feelings are changing. I did a quick sweep on google, as I had the word "depersonalisation" on my mind, and well, it seems to fit. Or I don't know, could that include a change in personality? I become insensitive, sometimes nearly cruel, although that's probably up for discussion. I care less about others feelings, generally, become more self absorbed, and yeah sometimes that leads to me being more snarky and I'm usually not exactly quick with saying sorry for being insensitive.
I am a bit scared however, where it might take me this time. I don't want for it to ruin anything between us, I don't want to hurt you just because I'm suddenly further from my real feelings. I am sure this state is temporary, but I don't know for how short or long it will last. It also scares me cause this is, in some ways, the darker parts of my personality that I'm otherwise working so hard on shoving away, hiding, drowning and denying. But now it's on (almost) full display and I'm scared behind my grin. Definitely not saying this is the "real" or "true" me, just that it's an usually hidden part of myself.
I'm split in more ways than I can even begin to fathom. I wonder if I even have the guts to go to school tomorrow. This took a few days to unfold, but now it has fully broken through. Yes I've been taking it easy and not stressed myself since the end of last week or so, but I had no control over this. I didn't even know it was that which was happening until now. I don't even remember when last time was, but at least a year ago, maybe more. Please know that I do not love you any less, even my darkness loves you, it's just that it's more difficult for me to connect when I'm like this. The wall between me and everything else is thicker, even more difficult to break through.
I think divided myself like this, because I couldn't accept what I view as the darker parts of my personality, or of who I am. I believe, that by trying to shove those parts away as I've done for years, maybe even decades, in situations of being too stressed, it comes right back to me in full strength. Like bottling emotions, but perhaps a bit more complicated. This shows just how little control I have over myself. But is it even possible to divide myself like this, although unintentionally? I don't know what is going on, these are just theories. But whatever it is, I do think it is damaging.
First of all, it's hardly a good thing to shove away and deny personality traits just because I don't like them. Secondly, I'm so far away from reality when I'm in this state, that it has and can happen that I hurt people and walk away with a grin on my face, ice cold and not caring at all. It isn't until I get back to my usual self again, that I may suffer the consequences of my actions. There is a reason why I normally try so desperately to hide this part of me. It is not very nice. I will talk to my therapist about this on Friday, as I do have my next appointment with her then.
I feel difficulty connecting, both to myself and everyone and everything around me. As if they're all in another universe. I feel darker, less affectionate, further away. And I think it's just getting worse. I think it started already this Monday, as my impatience for the synthetic hair to arrive was... unusual, to me. I couldn't think clearly about it, it was as if nothing else mattered except from getting that synthetic hair. And now that I got it today, I don't feel satisfied, better or anything at all. I feel a certain coldness within me that freezes my every emotion.
When last I changed like this, it felt very much the same as it does now. Strange, yet familiar. Walking feels different, the face I see in the mirror appears to look different, my entire body feels different. My thoughts and feelings are changing. I did a quick sweep on google, as I had the word "depersonalisation" on my mind, and well, it seems to fit. Or I don't know, could that include a change in personality? I become insensitive, sometimes nearly cruel, although that's probably up for discussion. I care less about others feelings, generally, become more self absorbed, and yeah sometimes that leads to me being more snarky and I'm usually not exactly quick with saying sorry for being insensitive.
I am a bit scared however, where it might take me this time. I don't want for it to ruin anything between us, I don't want to hurt you just because I'm suddenly further from my real feelings. I am sure this state is temporary, but I don't know for how short or long it will last. It also scares me cause this is, in some ways, the darker parts of my personality that I'm otherwise working so hard on shoving away, hiding, drowning and denying. But now it's on (almost) full display and I'm scared behind my grin. Definitely not saying this is the "real" or "true" me, just that it's an usually hidden part of myself.
I'm split in more ways than I can even begin to fathom. I wonder if I even have the guts to go to school tomorrow. This took a few days to unfold, but now it has fully broken through. Yes I've been taking it easy and not stressed myself since the end of last week or so, but I had no control over this. I didn't even know it was that which was happening until now. I don't even remember when last time was, but at least a year ago, maybe more. Please know that I do not love you any less, even my darkness loves you, it's just that it's more difficult for me to connect when I'm like this. The wall between me and everything else is thicker, even more difficult to break through.
I think divided myself like this, because I couldn't accept what I view as the darker parts of my personality, or of who I am. I believe, that by trying to shove those parts away as I've done for years, maybe even decades, in situations of being too stressed, it comes right back to me in full strength. Like bottling emotions, but perhaps a bit more complicated. This shows just how little control I have over myself. But is it even possible to divide myself like this, although unintentionally? I don't know what is going on, these are just theories. But whatever it is, I do think it is damaging.
First of all, it's hardly a good thing to shove away and deny personality traits just because I don't like them. Secondly, I'm so far away from reality when I'm in this state, that it has and can happen that I hurt people and walk away with a grin on my face, ice cold and not caring at all. It isn't until I get back to my usual self again, that I may suffer the consequences of my actions. There is a reason why I normally try so desperately to hide this part of me. It is not very nice. I will talk to my therapist about this on Friday, as I do have my next appointment with her then.
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