A part of me still believes this could be the best year of my life. I just barely dare to hope, that things may have taken a turn for the better, like all of a sudden. But I need to give it time, and so I will. I can't tell you yet, it's way too early to make announcements. But yes, something good has happened, good enough for me to still believe even though I might have gotten myself an eating disorder which may doom me for the rest of my life.
That is huge, but as I said, I only barely dare to hope. Treading carefully, oh so very carefully to not shatter the fragile happiness that may lie ahead of me. I haven't taken it in yet, have yet not absorbed the great news, just terribly confused yet I'm not. It's hard to explain. So I drown my confusion in my fairly new obsession and focus on that problem. Not instead, just more than on that.
Sometimes my thoughts turn back and it makes me smile as I cannot fathom it. I never thought it would happen, I thought it would never happen, even though my life depended on it. For a long time it did. Then I was almost close to starting to move on when this hit me. I'm never moving on now. Never.
I'm well aware of that my cryptic hints in this post might not be so cryptic after all, cause I have a sensation that you already know what I'm talking about. Yet I won't tell you. It's too soon. It's just starting to sink in, but I'm not there quite yet. Time will tell... about that too.
Friday, 17 October 2014
It's weighing me down
I just feel as though I should write more in my blog about my pathetic and kinda tragic life than I've done the past month. I dunno if you feel the same. I'm constantly pre-occupied with thoughts of food, weight and my poor body image. The numbers control me. Weight, calories, dates, sizes, measurements, counting, counting, counting. I've always been drawn to numbers, ever since I first learned how to count. But now... yep, it's gotten to the extreme.
Not much has happened, not much is happening, except that I try to steer up a diet containing only 300 calories a day and thinking out how to plan each week depending on how much weight I have to lose until next Tuesday. Tuesdays have become my goal days, when I need to be on a certain weight. Theoretically it's 1 kg less every week, but in reality it's a little harder to keep it that way. This week I had to lose 2 kg to stick to my schedule, and amazingly enough: I made it!
So now I'm down on 56,4 kg and need to be on 55 by Tuesday. Unless I gain weight again, I only have 1 and a half kilo to lose until then. I do "identify" myself as anorexic because I behave like one, but I don't yet have any kind of diagnosis and I know that I'm 1 BMI point too fat to get it. Yeah I'm at 19,8 in BMI right now and I think it's 18,5 where they cross the line for underweight. I want to be underweight, I still do. Now more than ever, actually.
It scares me sometimes, how I just seem to want to go down to a lower number all the time. I'm never pleased with the way my body looks. It scares me because I might never become pleased, I might never become thin enough. I still hold back with the self diagnosis, don't want to diagnose myself with something I might not have. Leave that up to the professionals instead.
It's with both fear and anticipation that I wait for the eating disorder psychiatric unit to give me an appointment. Hoping for it to take some time, yet eager to know what they will have to say. Either torn between getting a diagnosis or getting laughed at. Being accused for being a "wanarexic" because I don't want to seek treatment for it, or I don't know.
Why won't I seek treatment? Several reasons. Just how hard it seems to be, that I'm not done yet, and that I need to explore this new territory of my mind. I wanna see where it leads me, and that will hopefully be to a much thinner body. I wanna look good for myself, to wear the clothes I've always wanted to wear...
Speaking of clothes, I can wear skinny jeans now! I only have one pair and it's the only pair that fits me now. Everything else is too big. Still wear the same baggy shirts though, still trying to cover up fat and hide my gross hips. But my legs look alright, from about half my thighs down, and they appear thinner in tighter trousers.
I get colder all the time now, especially when I fast. I fasted for 4 days this week, and I'm gonna do it for another 2 days on Sunday and Monday. Fits quite fine cause I'm gonna have some blood tests taken on Monday morning which I need to fast for. Not for 48 hours of course, but details.
This is so frustrating and restraining, losing weight so fast and being so scared of gaining weight. I put a lot pressure on myself. A whole lot of pressure... and it's, pardon the pun, weighing me down. I feel accomplished when I manage to starve, and like shit when I eat. All those stupid online tests about eating disorders that I did before they all said like "maybe you're starting to get bad" I've now done again and they show sky high results. I don't know why I keep doing those, they're stupid.
I still haven't told my mother, I don't want her worried looks on me. I don't want her bringing up Christmas, I don't want to break her heart. I'll wait until I get that appointment at the eating disorder unit. But every day when we talk is just so hard, I don't know how much longer I can hide it for.
I tend to lean towards the online forum instead, the one that offers support to people with eating disorders, and I only almost realise how much I need it. I don't really have anyone to talk about it with, and not really anyone who understands or goes through the same or similar. It's like a sanctuary there, you can talk about anything ED-related and even though my infected computer fucks up that website badly, it's still my favourite site as of now.
It doesn't even compare to facebook or tumblr, and besides, my sister follows me on tumblr so I don't know just how open I can be there. I don't know if she's already told my mother even, about those ED-related posts I've made there. Well, they're gonna find out sooner or later anyway, and it would save me the trouble to tell them.
Sorry, I'm just rambling. I don't know how to sort this out, so I just ain't gonna. I still look forward to school by the way, and I hope this thing won't get in the way. That I will somehow be able to study on a chronically empty stomach and focus on those studies along side with my eating problems and everything else. We'll see how things will go.
So anyway, just wanted to tell you how things are going, and they're not going very good, are they? I'm rapidly falling apart and get worse by the day. I'm reluctant to help and would rather just continue to get worse until there's no going back. I don't think I can go back to how things were before now. I think I'm stuck already, but yep, only time will tell. I'll keep you posted.
Not much has happened, not much is happening, except that I try to steer up a diet containing only 300 calories a day and thinking out how to plan each week depending on how much weight I have to lose until next Tuesday. Tuesdays have become my goal days, when I need to be on a certain weight. Theoretically it's 1 kg less every week, but in reality it's a little harder to keep it that way. This week I had to lose 2 kg to stick to my schedule, and amazingly enough: I made it!
So now I'm down on 56,4 kg and need to be on 55 by Tuesday. Unless I gain weight again, I only have 1 and a half kilo to lose until then. I do "identify" myself as anorexic because I behave like one, but I don't yet have any kind of diagnosis and I know that I'm 1 BMI point too fat to get it. Yeah I'm at 19,8 in BMI right now and I think it's 18,5 where they cross the line for underweight. I want to be underweight, I still do. Now more than ever, actually.
It scares me sometimes, how I just seem to want to go down to a lower number all the time. I'm never pleased with the way my body looks. It scares me because I might never become pleased, I might never become thin enough. I still hold back with the self diagnosis, don't want to diagnose myself with something I might not have. Leave that up to the professionals instead.
It's with both fear and anticipation that I wait for the eating disorder psychiatric unit to give me an appointment. Hoping for it to take some time, yet eager to know what they will have to say. Either torn between getting a diagnosis or getting laughed at. Being accused for being a "wanarexic" because I don't want to seek treatment for it, or I don't know.
Why won't I seek treatment? Several reasons. Just how hard it seems to be, that I'm not done yet, and that I need to explore this new territory of my mind. I wanna see where it leads me, and that will hopefully be to a much thinner body. I wanna look good for myself, to wear the clothes I've always wanted to wear...
Speaking of clothes, I can wear skinny jeans now! I only have one pair and it's the only pair that fits me now. Everything else is too big. Still wear the same baggy shirts though, still trying to cover up fat and hide my gross hips. But my legs look alright, from about half my thighs down, and they appear thinner in tighter trousers.
I get colder all the time now, especially when I fast. I fasted for 4 days this week, and I'm gonna do it for another 2 days on Sunday and Monday. Fits quite fine cause I'm gonna have some blood tests taken on Monday morning which I need to fast for. Not for 48 hours of course, but details.
This is so frustrating and restraining, losing weight so fast and being so scared of gaining weight. I put a lot pressure on myself. A whole lot of pressure... and it's, pardon the pun, weighing me down. I feel accomplished when I manage to starve, and like shit when I eat. All those stupid online tests about eating disorders that I did before they all said like "maybe you're starting to get bad" I've now done again and they show sky high results. I don't know why I keep doing those, they're stupid.
I still haven't told my mother, I don't want her worried looks on me. I don't want her bringing up Christmas, I don't want to break her heart. I'll wait until I get that appointment at the eating disorder unit. But every day when we talk is just so hard, I don't know how much longer I can hide it for.
I tend to lean towards the online forum instead, the one that offers support to people with eating disorders, and I only almost realise how much I need it. I don't really have anyone to talk about it with, and not really anyone who understands or goes through the same or similar. It's like a sanctuary there, you can talk about anything ED-related and even though my infected computer fucks up that website badly, it's still my favourite site as of now.
It doesn't even compare to facebook or tumblr, and besides, my sister follows me on tumblr so I don't know just how open I can be there. I don't know if she's already told my mother even, about those ED-related posts I've made there. Well, they're gonna find out sooner or later anyway, and it would save me the trouble to tell them.
Sorry, I'm just rambling. I don't know how to sort this out, so I just ain't gonna. I still look forward to school by the way, and I hope this thing won't get in the way. That I will somehow be able to study on a chronically empty stomach and focus on those studies along side with my eating problems and everything else. We'll see how things will go.
So anyway, just wanted to tell you how things are going, and they're not going very good, are they? I'm rapidly falling apart and get worse by the day. I'm reluctant to help and would rather just continue to get worse until there's no going back. I don't think I can go back to how things were before now. I think I'm stuck already, but yep, only time will tell. I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, 15 October 2014
I told my psychologist...
Maybe I'll look back at this time of my life and think I was crazy. Maybe I somehow get my life back on track again. Maybe... or maybe I'm lost in this now. Is it really crazy that I want to be underweight? I mean, we all look at thin models and say we want to look like them, don't we? And my point is that they are not exactly at a healthy weight. Or am I crazy to actually aim for that goal with all my will power and more?
My shrink told me weird things. Like this "thing" would not work because I would end up regaining all the weight again. I was like, how...? I'm not eating! I won't start eating normally again. People don't get that, and maybe it would be dangerous if I made them get that. Cause then they would really be worried.
Yeah, I told my shrink and she's gonna send a referral to the eating disorder psychiatric unit here in Visby. I was kinda shocked at that, I really thought she wouldn't believe me or just tell me to think about it some more until our next session or something. I wonder what will be of that. I haven't been able to let go.
If or when they will send an appointment for me. Would I smile or sink under the floor or perhaps a combination of both? I'm really scared I'll get an appointment too soon. I don't want it this month, preferably not until right before Christmas. It's only October but I so just wanna get to a lower weight first, before I'll have to tell my mother too... cause you know, she's gonna drive me there.
One hell of a mess it became... why did I have to open my mouth about it so quickly? Could have waited until the next session with my shrink. I wonder if she too will abandon me now. If she does, I'll get that fucking diagnosis, hang around long enough for it and then piss off from the psychiatry once and for all. Cause they can't help me if they keep abandoning me.
I'll keep taking my medications though, keep in touch with a doctor for that. But no more therapy. I'm not saying it's gonna happen. I just fear it, that she will leave me if I do end up with an eating disorder diagnosis and that is all what's on my mind and she won't be able to help me with any of that. So she would just transfer me to a new person instead. That, is when I will give up on the psychiatry once and for all. Never again.
Just saying what I think about a possible, not so far away future. I always keep my guard up in those buildings, letting them believe that I trust them, unless they up front ask me if I trust them, to which I coldly reply no. I have no reason to. It's the harsh truth, I have no fucking reason to trust them, I've never had.
But despite how much I expect them to turn their backs on me again, it still hurts me every time. I've just got too many fucking problems for one doctor to handle. I'm too much to handle for everyone but my mother. And everyone isn't my mother.
So if shit fucks up, I'll just say fuck that shit and be off on my own once again. Lost and delirious I'll continue down this destructive path which has no end. Whether I get help or not, there is still not gonna be an end to it. New things will keep on coming up while some of the old ones fades or stays. That's just my life.
I don't even want to get help for this. All I want is an expert opinion and then to be left alone. So if my shrink leaves me because of a possible eating disorder that I don't want help for... yeah, I guess you can imagine. Also, while writing this, I haven eaten for 4 days and I'm about to crumble.
My shrink told me weird things. Like this "thing" would not work because I would end up regaining all the weight again. I was like, how...? I'm not eating! I won't start eating normally again. People don't get that, and maybe it would be dangerous if I made them get that. Cause then they would really be worried.
Yeah, I told my shrink and she's gonna send a referral to the eating disorder psychiatric unit here in Visby. I was kinda shocked at that, I really thought she wouldn't believe me or just tell me to think about it some more until our next session or something. I wonder what will be of that. I haven't been able to let go.
If or when they will send an appointment for me. Would I smile or sink under the floor or perhaps a combination of both? I'm really scared I'll get an appointment too soon. I don't want it this month, preferably not until right before Christmas. It's only October but I so just wanna get to a lower weight first, before I'll have to tell my mother too... cause you know, she's gonna drive me there.
One hell of a mess it became... why did I have to open my mouth about it so quickly? Could have waited until the next session with my shrink. I wonder if she too will abandon me now. If she does, I'll get that fucking diagnosis, hang around long enough for it and then piss off from the psychiatry once and for all. Cause they can't help me if they keep abandoning me.
I'll keep taking my medications though, keep in touch with a doctor for that. But no more therapy. I'm not saying it's gonna happen. I just fear it, that she will leave me if I do end up with an eating disorder diagnosis and that is all what's on my mind and she won't be able to help me with any of that. So she would just transfer me to a new person instead. That, is when I will give up on the psychiatry once and for all. Never again.
Just saying what I think about a possible, not so far away future. I always keep my guard up in those buildings, letting them believe that I trust them, unless they up front ask me if I trust them, to which I coldly reply no. I have no reason to. It's the harsh truth, I have no fucking reason to trust them, I've never had.
But despite how much I expect them to turn their backs on me again, it still hurts me every time. I've just got too many fucking problems for one doctor to handle. I'm too much to handle for everyone but my mother. And everyone isn't my mother.
So if shit fucks up, I'll just say fuck that shit and be off on my own once again. Lost and delirious I'll continue down this destructive path which has no end. Whether I get help or not, there is still not gonna be an end to it. New things will keep on coming up while some of the old ones fades or stays. That's just my life.
I don't even want to get help for this. All I want is an expert opinion and then to be left alone. So if my shrink leaves me because of a possible eating disorder that I don't want help for... yeah, I guess you can imagine. Also, while writing this, I haven eaten for 4 days and I'm about to crumble.
Friday, 10 October 2014
Time will tell
I wonder... can't help but wonder how I suddenly turned eating disordered over night between the 15th and 16th of September. Over night I became obsessed with losing weight like never before and I haven't been able to let go since then. That's why I hope it's phase, a dangerous "diet" or something close to it. A way of living that will eventually pass and I'll be back to my old self again once I've reached my goal. I hope, but I don't believe.
I don't dare to, scared of losing control but it feels like I've already lost it now. I can't get over the fear of certain foods, the fear of gaining weight, how horrible I think my body looks, how utterly obsessed I am, how I feel hungry all the time but can't allow myself to eat or drink anything with "too much" calories. My fears of weight gain and calories are constantly rising a little more day by day until...
I don't know where I'm gonna end up. With a "fuck this shit" attitude around Christmas and be able to just bounce back to normal again a heartbeat, or in a hospital dangerously underweight and riddled with disordered eating so to the point of it threatening my pure survival. I know myself too well to know that there won't be a middle ground.
I've gone down to 57,6 kg now and that is almost 3 kg in 3 weeks. I've been fasting yesterday and today as well, nearly 40 hours without any kind of food, just coffee, tea, diet coke, water and energy drinks. And the result it gives me is anticipating, exciting and driving me to continue. I lost half a kilo over night and I'm just so excited to see what the scale is gonna show me tomorrow.
I'm losing both weight and my senses, I'm losing this game but I keep on playing. Like poker, I'm gambling with everything I have hoping to win the biggest reward ever: underweight. I'm also doing it to distract myself from other harsh things about reality, things that I can't even begin to think about without breaking apart. I don't want to tell you, because that means acknowledging it.
It's not really a horrible thing that's happened, nothing's changed really, but it tore my world apart, or it would have if I had not had my mind so completely filled to the brim with weight loss obsession and food anxiety. So I keep obsessing, for better or worse, but it's getting harder to hide it from my family, shrink and the crew.
They keep asking me about food and exercise and I lie. Don't know what else to do. They can't know, they'd try to stop me. And I don't know, but I think telling them the truth would somehow be me asking them for help to "recover" or whatever. I don't want that. I don't want to stop obsessing, I only want one thing right now and that is to get thin. I don't care what it costs, I'm getting there.
I will however, try to eat something tomorrow. If I've gone down to 57 kg flat, that is. If not I'll fast yet another day but that's it. On Sunday I'm gonna eat no matter what. I promise, and I always keep my promises. So you know I won't stop eating altogether. It's a myth, you know, that anorexics don't eat. They would all be dead if that was true, but "only" 20% of them die. I say "them" because I know that I'm not anorexic. I might be heading that way, I likely have EDNOS which is eating disorder not otherwise specified, but I'm not anorexic.
I'm just not gonna self diagnose myself with that. EDNOS is a better self diagnosis and most likely also true, but time will tell if it develops to anorexia, which is what I think and fear. And I won't be getting any help before then, before time has told me what's the verdict.
I'm sorry if I worry you, I just wanted to update you a little. I'm sticking to my goal of getting down to 50 kg by the end of November or beginning of December. I plan to stop then, but yeah. We'll just have to wait and see how that goes.
I don't dare to, scared of losing control but it feels like I've already lost it now. I can't get over the fear of certain foods, the fear of gaining weight, how horrible I think my body looks, how utterly obsessed I am, how I feel hungry all the time but can't allow myself to eat or drink anything with "too much" calories. My fears of weight gain and calories are constantly rising a little more day by day until...
I don't know where I'm gonna end up. With a "fuck this shit" attitude around Christmas and be able to just bounce back to normal again a heartbeat, or in a hospital dangerously underweight and riddled with disordered eating so to the point of it threatening my pure survival. I know myself too well to know that there won't be a middle ground.
I've gone down to 57,6 kg now and that is almost 3 kg in 3 weeks. I've been fasting yesterday and today as well, nearly 40 hours without any kind of food, just coffee, tea, diet coke, water and energy drinks. And the result it gives me is anticipating, exciting and driving me to continue. I lost half a kilo over night and I'm just so excited to see what the scale is gonna show me tomorrow.
I'm losing both weight and my senses, I'm losing this game but I keep on playing. Like poker, I'm gambling with everything I have hoping to win the biggest reward ever: underweight. I'm also doing it to distract myself from other harsh things about reality, things that I can't even begin to think about without breaking apart. I don't want to tell you, because that means acknowledging it.
It's not really a horrible thing that's happened, nothing's changed really, but it tore my world apart, or it would have if I had not had my mind so completely filled to the brim with weight loss obsession and food anxiety. So I keep obsessing, for better or worse, but it's getting harder to hide it from my family, shrink and the crew.
They keep asking me about food and exercise and I lie. Don't know what else to do. They can't know, they'd try to stop me. And I don't know, but I think telling them the truth would somehow be me asking them for help to "recover" or whatever. I don't want that. I don't want to stop obsessing, I only want one thing right now and that is to get thin. I don't care what it costs, I'm getting there.
I will however, try to eat something tomorrow. If I've gone down to 57 kg flat, that is. If not I'll fast yet another day but that's it. On Sunday I'm gonna eat no matter what. I promise, and I always keep my promises. So you know I won't stop eating altogether. It's a myth, you know, that anorexics don't eat. They would all be dead if that was true, but "only" 20% of them die. I say "them" because I know that I'm not anorexic. I might be heading that way, I likely have EDNOS which is eating disorder not otherwise specified, but I'm not anorexic.
I'm just not gonna self diagnose myself with that. EDNOS is a better self diagnosis and most likely also true, but time will tell if it develops to anorexia, which is what I think and fear. And I won't be getting any help before then, before time has told me what's the verdict.
I'm sorry if I worry you, I just wanted to update you a little. I'm sticking to my goal of getting down to 50 kg by the end of November or beginning of December. I plan to stop then, but yeah. We'll just have to wait and see how that goes.
Wednesday, 8 October 2014
Planning weight loss
I haven't written here for a while again, cause I've just been ranting the same thing over and over and it's killing me, yet I can't and won't stop. This disordered eating now takes up more space in my head than K does. It's constantly taunting me, for everything I eat, for every time I skip my exercise.
I'm trying out a new thing again, to count my calories and stay under or around 300 a day. Also take at least one long walk a day every day, and go to the gym for 30 to 60 minutes 2 or 3 times a week.
I had so much anxiety going to the gym today. I thought I was gonna die. But I did go there and burned 157 calories under a 30 minutes session on the stationary bicycle. I bought a gym card that I intend to use but we'll see how it goes. I'm not gonna lift any weights anymore, I don't want to gain muscle if it's possible to avoid. It would only make me look fatter and it won't help me actually lose weight.
I'm so tired today, but ate for 310 calories, but now it's been almost 12 hours since last I ate something. Gonna go to bed soon though, and weigh myself for the third time today. I now fit into every criteria of anorexia nervousa except that I'm not thin enough. Way to go... Anyways, I'll be back soon.
I'm trying out a new thing again, to count my calories and stay under or around 300 a day. Also take at least one long walk a day every day, and go to the gym for 30 to 60 minutes 2 or 3 times a week.
I had so much anxiety going to the gym today. I thought I was gonna die. But I did go there and burned 157 calories under a 30 minutes session on the stationary bicycle. I bought a gym card that I intend to use but we'll see how it goes. I'm not gonna lift any weights anymore, I don't want to gain muscle if it's possible to avoid. It would only make me look fatter and it won't help me actually lose weight.
I'm so tired today, but ate for 310 calories, but now it's been almost 12 hours since last I ate something. Gonna go to bed soon though, and weigh myself for the third time today. I now fit into every criteria of anorexia nervousa except that I'm not thin enough. Way to go... Anyways, I'll be back soon.
Tuesday, 30 September 2014
The end of the world
Knowing that K will always be in my heart and soul doesn't terrify me anymore. It comforts me and I never feel quite alone within myself, cause he's always there, somehow.
Other things terrify me, but no matter what happens, I will never let him go, never completely. I can't just take him out of my heart and soul, he'll always be there, even if anything. If I'd somehow manage to fall for someone else, if my heart would break, if he would die, if I would die. He'll always be with me that way, and that is comforting but also saddening, heavy.
It's heavy to carry and loving has never been easy for me. Easy to fall in love, way too easy, but keep loving someone has always been hard. Not that I would fall out of love, but that it's wearing me down so much. It's a weight that I can't take off, only crumble beneath or find ways to endure.
I worry about the future, my own, his and ours. Not that we have a relationship, but we have something. Friendship, some form of trust, he likes me and I like him more. If something awful happened to one of us the other would be devastated. I truly believe that, not just that I want to, cause I don't work that way. Before, not many months ago, I did not think he would even flinch if something happened to me, but now... it's different now.
So much has changed yet I crave so much more. I wonder if that is right of me, if I should even be allowed to feel this way for someone who might not feel the same. It shouldn't be that way. Hearts are supposed to find each other, not chase each other. I feel like I'm chasing him, trying to turn him towards me and desperately want him to see me the way I see him.
Is it love, is it obsession? I ask myself as I can't think of a truthful enough answer. Because if it is just obsession, then it is just a chase. But if it is love, then the chase would be meaningless. Though I know that, that the chase is meaningless. It's hindering me, it's wrong and it won't lead me anywhere. I'm running in circles around him, cause I've already caught up, if that makes any sense. I don't know.
I only know that I'm there, right beside him, but unable to reach out. Like there's a glass wall between us even though we could be as close to each other that our bodies touch. It scares me, how far away I feel that I am from him. I don't know how to change it, without making it any worse. I want to show him my world, sides of me that not many get to see, but I don't think he wants to know those sides in particular.
And it holds me back. It's like I need to be sure that I'm not making a fool of myself before I go that far. Before I try to break down that glass wall, even if that would mean cutting myself on the broken shards in the process, I just want to know if it's right. My own needs come second and for months, a year and more, I've only put him first and neglected my own needs and desires.
I do it because I care, because I love him so damn much. I can't think clearly when I'm around him, I forget what I want to say, become shyer by the day and I don't know why. It should be the other way around. I'm just scared that if I don't hold my mouth I won't be able to control myself. So I hold it, I hold it until I suffocate.
I know that that is not right, I shouldn't suffocate because I'm scared of letting him know the whole truth. I've given him a glimpse, almost like a whisper. That was all I could do, because after withholding something for 17 months it's very hard to break that barrier completely. No matter how drunk I am, my heart races faster than I can imagine, I get dizzy and it gets hard to swallow, hard not to cry, just by thinking about telling him.
Yes, it does suffocate me, little by little every day, or week at least. It's drowning me and I don't know much longer I can keep doing this. Someday I'll have to let him know. I don't think it would be wrong, just hard. So incredibly hard I can only begin to fathom it, it breaks like shattered glass inside me, like nothing I've ever encountered before.
I hope that by trying, by imagining telling him, over and over I'm going through it in my mind, that I could somehow get used to that thought and it would be easier to actually telling him. To get used to my racing heart, or try to calm it down in the middle of my thought process to then continue. Trying to be realistic, expect a variety of answers: bad, neutral, good, indifferent, none existent, chaotic, calm, terrifying, anything that my mind can possibly come up with.
His reaction is the key to my dreadful anxiety about this. Everything is connected to that. It could be a full sentence, a phrase or just one word. It could break me, and that is what I'm so scared of. That when I finally decide to completely let my guard down before him and spill out everything I want him to know, he would react in some way that would completely break me. That is my nightmare.
It's different, if you just have a crush on someone. It's very different. Cause for me, we're talking unconditional love that not even the end of the world could interrupt. I'll love him no matter what, literally no matter what until my last breath.
I haven't updated you on this for a while, just wanted you to know that despite my anorexia tendencies and obsession with food and weight, K still comes first, he always will.
Other things terrify me, but no matter what happens, I will never let him go, never completely. I can't just take him out of my heart and soul, he'll always be there, even if anything. If I'd somehow manage to fall for someone else, if my heart would break, if he would die, if I would die. He'll always be with me that way, and that is comforting but also saddening, heavy.
It's heavy to carry and loving has never been easy for me. Easy to fall in love, way too easy, but keep loving someone has always been hard. Not that I would fall out of love, but that it's wearing me down so much. It's a weight that I can't take off, only crumble beneath or find ways to endure.
I worry about the future, my own, his and ours. Not that we have a relationship, but we have something. Friendship, some form of trust, he likes me and I like him more. If something awful happened to one of us the other would be devastated. I truly believe that, not just that I want to, cause I don't work that way. Before, not many months ago, I did not think he would even flinch if something happened to me, but now... it's different now.
So much has changed yet I crave so much more. I wonder if that is right of me, if I should even be allowed to feel this way for someone who might not feel the same. It shouldn't be that way. Hearts are supposed to find each other, not chase each other. I feel like I'm chasing him, trying to turn him towards me and desperately want him to see me the way I see him.
Is it love, is it obsession? I ask myself as I can't think of a truthful enough answer. Because if it is just obsession, then it is just a chase. But if it is love, then the chase would be meaningless. Though I know that, that the chase is meaningless. It's hindering me, it's wrong and it won't lead me anywhere. I'm running in circles around him, cause I've already caught up, if that makes any sense. I don't know.
I only know that I'm there, right beside him, but unable to reach out. Like there's a glass wall between us even though we could be as close to each other that our bodies touch. It scares me, how far away I feel that I am from him. I don't know how to change it, without making it any worse. I want to show him my world, sides of me that not many get to see, but I don't think he wants to know those sides in particular.
And it holds me back. It's like I need to be sure that I'm not making a fool of myself before I go that far. Before I try to break down that glass wall, even if that would mean cutting myself on the broken shards in the process, I just want to know if it's right. My own needs come second and for months, a year and more, I've only put him first and neglected my own needs and desires.
I do it because I care, because I love him so damn much. I can't think clearly when I'm around him, I forget what I want to say, become shyer by the day and I don't know why. It should be the other way around. I'm just scared that if I don't hold my mouth I won't be able to control myself. So I hold it, I hold it until I suffocate.
I know that that is not right, I shouldn't suffocate because I'm scared of letting him know the whole truth. I've given him a glimpse, almost like a whisper. That was all I could do, because after withholding something for 17 months it's very hard to break that barrier completely. No matter how drunk I am, my heart races faster than I can imagine, I get dizzy and it gets hard to swallow, hard not to cry, just by thinking about telling him.
Yes, it does suffocate me, little by little every day, or week at least. It's drowning me and I don't know much longer I can keep doing this. Someday I'll have to let him know. I don't think it would be wrong, just hard. So incredibly hard I can only begin to fathom it, it breaks like shattered glass inside me, like nothing I've ever encountered before.
I hope that by trying, by imagining telling him, over and over I'm going through it in my mind, that I could somehow get used to that thought and it would be easier to actually telling him. To get used to my racing heart, or try to calm it down in the middle of my thought process to then continue. Trying to be realistic, expect a variety of answers: bad, neutral, good, indifferent, none existent, chaotic, calm, terrifying, anything that my mind can possibly come up with.
His reaction is the key to my dreadful anxiety about this. Everything is connected to that. It could be a full sentence, a phrase or just one word. It could break me, and that is what I'm so scared of. That when I finally decide to completely let my guard down before him and spill out everything I want him to know, he would react in some way that would completely break me. That is my nightmare.
It's different, if you just have a crush on someone. It's very different. Cause for me, we're talking unconditional love that not even the end of the world could interrupt. I'll love him no matter what, literally no matter what until my last breath.
I haven't updated you on this for a while, just wanted you to know that despite my anorexia tendencies and obsession with food and weight, K still comes first, he always will.
Sunday, 28 September 2014
Control state: 50-50
Everything is so messed up right now, I can't think clearly. Don't even know where to begin. That I told my crush sort of what I feel for him, that my life situation is spiralling out of control with this food/weight stuff, that I'm back to cutting and drinking. I just feel this intense self hatred that is blowing out of proportion and it effects everything I do. I'm just so fucking self aware it has become a problem.
I went fasting yesterday but now I'm back to eating my baby portions again. It did give me result and this morning I was at the lowest weight I've ever been since junior high (ten years ago) which is at 59,5 kg. So happy over that but even more scared of gaining weight as I've started eating again... If I do get above 60 kg again I'll just have to fast again but for two days instead of one and keep going until I just don't get above 60 kg again.
I'm very persistent and I've made this shit my life goal number one. It makes me not think so much about the other things that I worry about. Like K, every finishing my book, and whatever is going on in my fucked up mind. To keep constant track of what I eat, should eat, shouldn't eat, when to eat and even why. My constant fear of gaining weight, my thoughts of how fat I feel, exercise plans and goals and this list is too fucking long to write down... but I'm sure you get it.
It's a full time work and it's driving me crazy half the time, and only half the time I feel like I'm in control over this thing, the other half I feel this thing has control over me. So it's 50-50 now... It's just been barely two weeks so who knows, it might calm down in a while, but somehow I doubt it. Something just snapped in me that Monday the 15th and I don't think I'm gonna snap back.
See, I'm obsessing again. And again and again and again. I've never been like this before, this is some new kind of hell for me. The hell of slowly losing control for yet another mental illness. I mean, I've been starving before, I've even worked out hard before, and I've obsessed about my weight before. But not all three, this intensively, all at once. Everything just hit me at once and I'm crumbling beneath it, but I still stay strong, knowing I just have to go through with it if I want to reach my goal.
Why do I feel bad? Why do I feel bad over eating a meal of as little as 40 calories? Shit, I'm really on a down hill slope now. I can't, I can't eat or drink or have anything else with calories today except from tea which contains so little it just says <4kcal are="" br="" can="" changing="" doing="" everything="" figure="" i="" keep="" lose="" m="" maybe="" of.="" on="" out="" package.="" right="" seem="" so="" some="" still="" t="" that="" the="" there="" things="" think="" to="" weight="" why="" wrong.="" yet="">
This guilt is so hopelessly strong, it still is. I crave and I crave but I just can't have any of it. Not until tomorrow. Right now, that guilt is enough to keep me from anything and everything. I won't binge, I certainly won't. I read somewhere that you're considered anorexic if you just starve yourself (live on less than 900 kcal a day) but I don't think that's true. It's about a certain mindset, it's more about control and weight and numbers and obsession than it is about food.
I know. I've read tons of articles, forum threads, essays, and seen loads of youtube videos and documentaries by now. I am literally obsessed as I've never been before. For only almost two weeks I've searched the whole internet for information, pro-ana tips, ways to avoid it, what causes it, if I have it and so on.
I went fasting yesterday but now I'm back to eating my baby portions again. It did give me result and this morning I was at the lowest weight I've ever been since junior high (ten years ago) which is at 59,5 kg. So happy over that but even more scared of gaining weight as I've started eating again... If I do get above 60 kg again I'll just have to fast again but for two days instead of one and keep going until I just don't get above 60 kg again.
I'm very persistent and I've made this shit my life goal number one. It makes me not think so much about the other things that I worry about. Like K, every finishing my book, and whatever is going on in my fucked up mind. To keep constant track of what I eat, should eat, shouldn't eat, when to eat and even why. My constant fear of gaining weight, my thoughts of how fat I feel, exercise plans and goals and this list is too fucking long to write down... but I'm sure you get it.
It's a full time work and it's driving me crazy half the time, and only half the time I feel like I'm in control over this thing, the other half I feel this thing has control over me. So it's 50-50 now... It's just been barely two weeks so who knows, it might calm down in a while, but somehow I doubt it. Something just snapped in me that Monday the 15th and I don't think I'm gonna snap back.
See, I'm obsessing again. And again and again and again. I've never been like this before, this is some new kind of hell for me. The hell of slowly losing control for yet another mental illness. I mean, I've been starving before, I've even worked out hard before, and I've obsessed about my weight before. But not all three, this intensively, all at once. Everything just hit me at once and I'm crumbling beneath it, but I still stay strong, knowing I just have to go through with it if I want to reach my goal.
Why do I feel bad? Why do I feel bad over eating a meal of as little as 40 calories? Shit, I'm really on a down hill slope now. I can't, I can't eat or drink or have anything else with calories today except from tea which contains so little it just says <4kcal are="" br="" can="" changing="" doing="" everything="" figure="" i="" keep="" lose="" m="" maybe="" of.="" on="" out="" package.="" right="" seem="" so="" some="" still="" t="" that="" the="" there="" things="" think="" to="" weight="" why="" wrong.="" yet="">
This guilt is so hopelessly strong, it still is. I crave and I crave but I just can't have any of it. Not until tomorrow. Right now, that guilt is enough to keep me from anything and everything. I won't binge, I certainly won't. I read somewhere that you're considered anorexic if you just starve yourself (live on less than 900 kcal a day) but I don't think that's true. It's about a certain mindset, it's more about control and weight and numbers and obsession than it is about food.
I know. I've read tons of articles, forum threads, essays, and seen loads of youtube videos and documentaries by now. I am literally obsessed as I've never been before. For only almost two weeks I've searched the whole internet for information, pro-ana tips, ways to avoid it, what causes it, if I have it and so on.
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