The spellcheck system on my OpenOffice is weird. It didn't recognise the word "merfolk". And since I had to go with the U.S English settings, it constantly complains about my Brittish spelling, which in no way is wrong, for that matter. Just less "Z" and more "U" here and there.
I notice that the more I write, the adventure is turning into a beautiful love story with humoristic undertones. I listen to Enya and I'm struck by the feeling of homesickness again. I think I miss Caspian more than I miss Dala itself, and I realise that I do know what true love is. That I have experienced it, and I think it is gonna show in this story. That my love for Caspian is very strong, immortal and unconditional. And maybe this is why I can't let go completely and fall for a human to 100%, always feeling the situation is never good enough. Because I can't let go of Caspian, and I just want to find him in this world, hidden in a human somehow. I'm looking for him, even though I know he's not here.
I think I'm a bit extra fragile lately, fantasising about people that don't exist, places that don't exist. I feel so lonely, homesick and heartbroken. I try not to think about suicide again, but it's hard. Thinking I can't go on much longer so far from home. But I know that I can, cause I have been able to go on for twenty four years. But 24 years is a really short time, and sometimes I feel like I've only been alive here for a couple of days. I'm not planning anything, just thinking about it. I wish I didn't though. It makes living so much harder.
Tuesday, 10 September 2013
Monday, 9 September 2013
Ten hours later
This is interesting! I started this day by waking up feeling empty and bored, hungry but disgusted by food. Twelve hours later I've eaten two pancakes, a meal of chicken bits with rice, had three cups of tea, coffee and started writing a fantasy story. I've been wanting to write such a story about Dala before, but never really knew what it was gonna be about since I don't really remember how my life there was. But then I just started writing down one particular memory, letting it unfold itself before me as the words came flowing out. Then I thought maybe this isn't an actual memory, but it doesn't matter. I don't have to write this story the way it actually was into every detail. So I thought, why don't I just make up a storyline and events leading up to the only event I can remember, which was what landed me here? I know all the main characters and most of the environment, what that world was like, so it's still very real.
The main character is me, who I was back then as a demon. I'm basically the same as now, but not completely of course. I had a whole different life back then. I was happy, in love, a snobby prince who never knew anything about this world or humans. Before any of this life had occured. So of course I was different then, but how much should I explain about who this main character is? If I only want my friends and family to read it, I wouldn't need to add so much information of what people already know about me. But if I want it to go public, then it's pretty much mandatory. Well, I could always make two versions.
Then there are two supporting characters, who are my long lost love Caspian and my dear friend and dragon. I'm at this point almost 100% sure it was a she, and the name Kazanndra has followed me since my childhood, I don't think it came from Dala, but it holds some significance. Eitherway, I'm calling her Kazanndra in my story.
I've just started writing and I already have a plot for it, how the characters are gonna develope and a few big events. It's not gonna be a book, or I don't think so. Thinking about writing a whole book is like... gah, so many words! Maybe a small book. I've written five pages so far, gotten through the first day and started introducing the main characters. So a rough estimation... maybe 30 pages? Introduction and such always takes up more text than later events, but maybe not that much more... so maybe 50 pages is a better estimation. Or maybe not. Whatever.
Hopefully, this isn't gonna be one of those projects I start and then never finish. I don't think it will though, considering I'm writing about the most fantastic place I've ever known, and the two people that I love so much they're not only in my heart, but in the core of my soul! I just wish I could remember their real names, and my real name.
The main character is me, who I was back then as a demon. I'm basically the same as now, but not completely of course. I had a whole different life back then. I was happy, in love, a snobby prince who never knew anything about this world or humans. Before any of this life had occured. So of course I was different then, but how much should I explain about who this main character is? If I only want my friends and family to read it, I wouldn't need to add so much information of what people already know about me. But if I want it to go public, then it's pretty much mandatory. Well, I could always make two versions.
Then there are two supporting characters, who are my long lost love Caspian and my dear friend and dragon. I'm at this point almost 100% sure it was a she, and the name Kazanndra has followed me since my childhood, I don't think it came from Dala, but it holds some significance. Eitherway, I'm calling her Kazanndra in my story.
I've just started writing and I already have a plot for it, how the characters are gonna develope and a few big events. It's not gonna be a book, or I don't think so. Thinking about writing a whole book is like... gah, so many words! Maybe a small book. I've written five pages so far, gotten through the first day and started introducing the main characters. So a rough estimation... maybe 30 pages? Introduction and such always takes up more text than later events, but maybe not that much more... so maybe 50 pages is a better estimation. Or maybe not. Whatever.
Hopefully, this isn't gonna be one of those projects I start and then never finish. I don't think it will though, considering I'm writing about the most fantastic place I've ever known, and the two people that I love so much they're not only in my heart, but in the core of my soul! I just wish I could remember their real names, and my real name.
Sunday, 8 September 2013
I hate food and eating
I wish I was a snake. Then I would only have to eat one giant meal like once a week and then not have to think about food until the next time. I basically do that already, but my human body seem to disagree with that solution. I also wish that I could be a carnivore and not have to eat anything other than meat. I basically do that already too, but a full meat-only diet wouldn't agree with my body either. Or better yet, I wish I didn't have to eat at all.
I'm hungry. I'm cranky, and I feel disgusted when thinking about food. You know that thing you do with your upper lip when you think of something disgusting? Yeah, I can't seem to get that expression off my face right now, thinking about food, even in the most general sense. What the hell should I do!?
I've tried several different techniques, one worse than the other:
1. Ignoring it. Usually works for about a couple of hours, then follows stomachache, nausea, headache, fatigue and concentration diffuculties. Wait long enough and I'll pass out.
2. Take the first thing I find in the fridge, close my eyes, nose and shove it into my mouth. Usually ends in puking or nearly puking, feeling even more disgusted and going for technique 1.
3. Concentrate and try to figure out something that might not be all too revolting, that is available in my kitchen. Usually ends with me not finding such a thing, leading to either technique 1 or 2.
4. Decide to skip the food and drink a lot of milk, tea, juice, coffee or whatever is handy instead. Usually works for a few hours, then leading to the same effects as with technique 1.
I wish food wasn't such an obsticle for me. Why can't I enjoy it? Why do I feel sick and disgusted near food when I'm hungry? It should be easier for me to lose weight than this. It's just that my body absorbs the tiny little I eat as if it was ten times more. So maybe this is the way it should be for me. Cause if I had a bigger (or any at all) apetite, I'd be fat. But experiencing eating and food as an evil necessity almost all the damn time, just isn't fun.
I feel like going into my kitchen and just throw all the damn food out of the fucking window. So sick of it all! If only starvation was an option.
I'm hungry. I'm cranky, and I feel disgusted when thinking about food. You know that thing you do with your upper lip when you think of something disgusting? Yeah, I can't seem to get that expression off my face right now, thinking about food, even in the most general sense. What the hell should I do!?
I've tried several different techniques, one worse than the other:
1. Ignoring it. Usually works for about a couple of hours, then follows stomachache, nausea, headache, fatigue and concentration diffuculties. Wait long enough and I'll pass out.
2. Take the first thing I find in the fridge, close my eyes, nose and shove it into my mouth. Usually ends in puking or nearly puking, feeling even more disgusted and going for technique 1.
3. Concentrate and try to figure out something that might not be all too revolting, that is available in my kitchen. Usually ends with me not finding such a thing, leading to either technique 1 or 2.
4. Decide to skip the food and drink a lot of milk, tea, juice, coffee or whatever is handy instead. Usually works for a few hours, then leading to the same effects as with technique 1.
I wish food wasn't such an obsticle for me. Why can't I enjoy it? Why do I feel sick and disgusted near food when I'm hungry? It should be easier for me to lose weight than this. It's just that my body absorbs the tiny little I eat as if it was ten times more. So maybe this is the way it should be for me. Cause if I had a bigger (or any at all) apetite, I'd be fat. But experiencing eating and food as an evil necessity almost all the damn time, just isn't fun.
I feel like going into my kitchen and just throw all the damn food out of the fucking window. So sick of it all! If only starvation was an option.
Decoding my brain
I seem to be bored. What an odd feeling. How do I deal with that?
There is nothing to think about, nothing I feel like doing. I've slept
through most of the day, yet the darkness doesn't bring me that familiar
rush of inner energy. Probably nothing to worry about, but I just don't
know what to do with it. What do people do when they are bored? Should I keep doing what I usually do, try to write something or watch a movie? I don't know.
I found myself purposely watching horror movies yesterday to invoke nightmares. That's another thing I don't quite understand. Why would I want to have nightmares!? Is my life really that dull? Or did I have just a little too much insanity with that super strong coffee yesterday? Beats me.
Or... Perhaps it was an obscure attempt to control my dreams, or rather what I was going to dream about. Come to think of it, that actually makes some sense! Senseless sense, but still sense. I could do a test like that. Decide for a new movie I haven't seen before, in a specific genre to watch just before I go to bed and then evaluate the results of which effects the movie had on my dreams. I think I will try that!
Even I don't always understand my complicated brain, appearently... It's like it's giving me encrypted messages that sometimes takes days to decode. My subconcious has me on a leash, and sometimes it tugs it for no appearent reason. Then I have to figure out why and what it means. It's definately interesting, trying to decode my own brain. Cause there's so much of it that I don't know or can't interpret. Maybe it is like that for other people as well, but I have a feeling most people aren't thrilled to get lost in the labyrinths of their thoughts, dreams, fears, emotions, experiences, ideas, secrets and regrets to this extent. Cause I do enjoy it, most of the time. Especially when I figure something out or find something I didn't know about before, or just get a new angle on a matter. The reward doesn't have to be clear for me to be satisfied with it.
I try to figure out what I should torment my new psychologist with at our next meeting (whenever that is gonna happen). Of course the trans team in Huddinge can provide with someone for me to rant with, but that would be inconvenient considering the travel distance. Things have been standing rather still in Visby lately, or I mean that I haven't had a personal contact person to see every week. I kinda need to lash out on someone who won't blab it to my parents and knows how to deal with unstable people giving up on their lives more often than they get a grip on themselves.
So the crew isn't really optional, I'm tired of scaring them with my crap. They don't know how to react or what to say and it leaves a lot uncomfortable silence and I feel like a monster or a creep and such. I feel like I'm just replacing my burden instead of being relieved. They are not equipped to handle that heavy stuff, and I don't like to put them in that sort of situations either. This might seem weird or insensitive, but I'd rather go to bed knowing my psychologist is staying up unable to go to sleep because of something I said than someone who is not getting paid to hear those sort of things. Maybe that isn't weird or insensitive, by the way. Cause that's what therapy is like, right? That's what psychologists are there for, right?
I just wish therapy in Sweden could be like therapy is elsewhere. You know, where they actually want to deal with your crap and don't just put up with it.
I found myself purposely watching horror movies yesterday to invoke nightmares. That's another thing I don't quite understand. Why would I want to have nightmares!? Is my life really that dull? Or did I have just a little too much insanity with that super strong coffee yesterday? Beats me.
Or... Perhaps it was an obscure attempt to control my dreams, or rather what I was going to dream about. Come to think of it, that actually makes some sense! Senseless sense, but still sense. I could do a test like that. Decide for a new movie I haven't seen before, in a specific genre to watch just before I go to bed and then evaluate the results of which effects the movie had on my dreams. I think I will try that!
Even I don't always understand my complicated brain, appearently... It's like it's giving me encrypted messages that sometimes takes days to decode. My subconcious has me on a leash, and sometimes it tugs it for no appearent reason. Then I have to figure out why and what it means. It's definately interesting, trying to decode my own brain. Cause there's so much of it that I don't know or can't interpret. Maybe it is like that for other people as well, but I have a feeling most people aren't thrilled to get lost in the labyrinths of their thoughts, dreams, fears, emotions, experiences, ideas, secrets and regrets to this extent. Cause I do enjoy it, most of the time. Especially when I figure something out or find something I didn't know about before, or just get a new angle on a matter. The reward doesn't have to be clear for me to be satisfied with it.
I try to figure out what I should torment my new psychologist with at our next meeting (whenever that is gonna happen). Of course the trans team in Huddinge can provide with someone for me to rant with, but that would be inconvenient considering the travel distance. Things have been standing rather still in Visby lately, or I mean that I haven't had a personal contact person to see every week. I kinda need to lash out on someone who won't blab it to my parents and knows how to deal with unstable people giving up on their lives more often than they get a grip on themselves.
So the crew isn't really optional, I'm tired of scaring them with my crap. They don't know how to react or what to say and it leaves a lot uncomfortable silence and I feel like a monster or a creep and such. I feel like I'm just replacing my burden instead of being relieved. They are not equipped to handle that heavy stuff, and I don't like to put them in that sort of situations either. This might seem weird or insensitive, but I'd rather go to bed knowing my psychologist is staying up unable to go to sleep because of something I said than someone who is not getting paid to hear those sort of things. Maybe that isn't weird or insensitive, by the way. Cause that's what therapy is like, right? That's what psychologists are there for, right?
I just wish therapy in Sweden could be like therapy is elsewhere. You know, where they actually want to deal with your crap and don't just put up with it.
Thursday, 5 September 2013
Solace in solitude
I seem to seek even more solitude than ever before. I can't recall being this hostile against humanity ever before. Cause I can't even stand talking to my mom on the phone, or anyone else for that matter. I can't stand having company for more than a few minutes, all I want is to be left alone. I don't know why, but I retreat as much as possible, don't want anything to do with the world anymore. It could go up in flames and disappear and I wouldn't notice, wouldn't care.
I was once like an open book, always wanting to tell everyone about my amazing, boring life. Well I still am, virtually, but not behind the computer. If you'd call me I'd probably say something vague about my general situation, hiding my true emotions and thoughts. You might hear me smoking a cigarette and or sipping from a glass in the long silences between the exchange of words. Just waiting to hang up cause I have nothing to say, nothing that I want to say. And if I have to, I'd lie to end the conversation. Say that I have to eat, go to the bathroom or that some guy is killing my character in WoW. I live in solitude, and I like it that way.
I was once like an open book, always wanting to tell everyone about my amazing, boring life. Well I still am, virtually, but not behind the computer. If you'd call me I'd probably say something vague about my general situation, hiding my true emotions and thoughts. You might hear me smoking a cigarette and or sipping from a glass in the long silences between the exchange of words. Just waiting to hang up cause I have nothing to say, nothing that I want to say. And if I have to, I'd lie to end the conversation. Say that I have to eat, go to the bathroom or that some guy is killing my character in WoW. I live in solitude, and I like it that way.
Wednesday, 4 September 2013
Today's nonsense
I seem to avoid even numbers. I can tolerate them, but feel uncomfortable around them. Like when choosing an amount of... let's say soups to buy, I go for three or five rather than four. Or how many holes up to tie my shoe laces. Or how many pieces of fried chicken to eat for dinner. Often three, seven, or thirteen but I can settle for any odd number. Didn't realise this until now.
I've been having these weird fantasies lately... about the guy that raped me. I think maybe my mind is testing me to see just how over that incident I am. Or I'm just mentally challenged. Hard to tell, sometimes.
Finally! Spotify has added a few songs of Elena Siegman to their database! So now I can listen to those four songs I totally love without having to hassle with youtube clips. They seem to be soundtracks to Call of Duty. Oh, never mind. I have them downloaded and they show up as "local files". I'm stupid sometimes, and I admit it. That explains why they don't show up on my cell phone!
Ugh... I have to go shopping again today... forgot to buy butter and milk at the store yesterday. How annoying. Though I can wait, store closes at 21.00.
I watched K-PAX again yesterday, and thought it would be fun to count how many times they say "K-PAX" in it. Counted to 44 times, but four of those they actually said "K-PAXian". That's a whole lot of repetition! Still a good movie though.
I don't feel very chatty today, all I write is just nonsense. Though, I just woke up two hours ago, and it takes some time for my brain to start. About midnight it gets really haywire though. I wonder what's going on between the stages "nearly braindead" and "totally crazy rollercoaster" though. Some scrolling on the internet, some wow-playing, a dozen of online quizzes, a few comments on various forums, and.... bam! Perhaps. I'm just guessing here. I like it when it gets crazy like that now. I feel alive, productive and all the ideas I get... undescribably awesome!
I've been having these weird fantasies lately... about the guy that raped me. I think maybe my mind is testing me to see just how over that incident I am. Or I'm just mentally challenged. Hard to tell, sometimes.
Finally! Spotify has added a few songs of Elena Siegman to their database! So now I can listen to those four songs I totally love without having to hassle with youtube clips. They seem to be soundtracks to Call of Duty. Oh, never mind. I have them downloaded and they show up as "local files". I'm stupid sometimes, and I admit it. That explains why they don't show up on my cell phone!
Ugh... I have to go shopping again today... forgot to buy butter and milk at the store yesterday. How annoying. Though I can wait, store closes at 21.00.
I watched K-PAX again yesterday, and thought it would be fun to count how many times they say "K-PAX" in it. Counted to 44 times, but four of those they actually said "K-PAXian". That's a whole lot of repetition! Still a good movie though.
I don't feel very chatty today, all I write is just nonsense. Though, I just woke up two hours ago, and it takes some time for my brain to start. About midnight it gets really haywire though. I wonder what's going on between the stages "nearly braindead" and "totally crazy rollercoaster" though. Some scrolling on the internet, some wow-playing, a dozen of online quizzes, a few comments on various forums, and.... bam! Perhaps. I'm just guessing here. I like it when it gets crazy like that now. I feel alive, productive and all the ideas I get... undescribably awesome!
Monday, 2 September 2013
It is what it is
I seem to have misplaced something in a dream. I can't find my fan, those smaller ones you can put on a table. I remember seeing it, recognising it and thinking "aha! there it is!" but I have no idea where it is when I need it. So my suspicion is that I found it in a dream, thinking I knew where it was, but then I can't find it when I'm awake. Yet the dream keeps telling me where it is, but I still can't find it in reality. Perhaps if I keep dreaming about it it will eventually show up.
I'm haunted by my past again. That past that happened before I was born, which is deep-rooted in my heart and soul. I don't know how I feel about it today though. It's only vague, lingering, shallow. I don't know if I want to know, cause I have a sensation those feelings aren't all that positive. Well, they usually aren't. It strikes me though, that how I've been trying so hard to find someplace where I belong, when I really never had to. Cause I know where I belong, it just that I can't reach that place anymore. I'm lightyears far from home, but I do have a home. And isn't it better that way, than to not have any place at all to call home?
I have memories of a beautiful place where I was beyond happy, and yet I sit here and whine about how awful this world is. That is the reason of course, but shouldn't I be able to turn it the other way around, to something positive? Like say, how many people have felt so complete and happy at all? Maybe it's time I realise just how wonderful that is, to have experienced that. I will probably never be able to fully move on and appreciate this world, but maybe I can find a way to cherish those memories and feelings, and keep them as a comfort. Instead of clinging to them as my main reason to wanna die, I mean.
Cause I'll get there one day, today I'm sure of it. That I won't have to throw this life away on a whim just because I'm tired of this horribly aching homesickness. I mean if this life is a prison, there's a chance on parole, right? I've never had any real reasons to doubt that my Dala is lost forever, rather the opposite. I have felt it in my gut, seen it my dreams and even been told from higher powers that I will be able to go home once I'm done with my journey.
I have every reason to believe, but still I always fear the worst. And what would the worst be in this case? Coming back here, as a human. This is my idea of a Hell, but it's merely my perception. The same with Dala being my idea of Heaven. But what really makes this world, this life, so awful? There are only three things here that aren't awful, but are wonderful, a blessing. That is my creativity, my family, and my closest friends. You know who you are! Without you I wouldn't be here today, but you already knew that, since I'm barely here even with you.
It's everything else... the things I've been through, the mental torment, being victimised, not being able to live an independent life, always having to rely on others to survive when I hate the human society, ethics, laws, money, eating, drinking, sleeping, dreaming, hygiene, going to the bathroom, having to take medicine in loads just to cope, always being in pain, my brain torturing me day and night, politics, prejudice, values, critisism, bullies, addictions, population, animal cruelty, species extinction, weather/climates, this dull dirty industrial world... Did I leave something out? Poverty, stupidity, close-mindedness, fanatics, homophobia, transphobia, the education system, the employment market and having to work for money, traffic, work-/school hours, the health care system, obligations... I can go on forever.
So you see it's not just that my life is crappy, I find this whole world rather crappy. Sure it's very much my attitude though, which is hard to change because I have Dala to compare with. It's a blessing and it's a curse. I may never be able to love life, but it would be neat if I could just hate it a little less. Perhaps I can't accept this life for what it is.
I'm haunted by my past again. That past that happened before I was born, which is deep-rooted in my heart and soul. I don't know how I feel about it today though. It's only vague, lingering, shallow. I don't know if I want to know, cause I have a sensation those feelings aren't all that positive. Well, they usually aren't. It strikes me though, that how I've been trying so hard to find someplace where I belong, when I really never had to. Cause I know where I belong, it just that I can't reach that place anymore. I'm lightyears far from home, but I do have a home. And isn't it better that way, than to not have any place at all to call home?
I have memories of a beautiful place where I was beyond happy, and yet I sit here and whine about how awful this world is. That is the reason of course, but shouldn't I be able to turn it the other way around, to something positive? Like say, how many people have felt so complete and happy at all? Maybe it's time I realise just how wonderful that is, to have experienced that. I will probably never be able to fully move on and appreciate this world, but maybe I can find a way to cherish those memories and feelings, and keep them as a comfort. Instead of clinging to them as my main reason to wanna die, I mean.
Cause I'll get there one day, today I'm sure of it. That I won't have to throw this life away on a whim just because I'm tired of this horribly aching homesickness. I mean if this life is a prison, there's a chance on parole, right? I've never had any real reasons to doubt that my Dala is lost forever, rather the opposite. I have felt it in my gut, seen it my dreams and even been told from higher powers that I will be able to go home once I'm done with my journey.
I have every reason to believe, but still I always fear the worst. And what would the worst be in this case? Coming back here, as a human. This is my idea of a Hell, but it's merely my perception. The same with Dala being my idea of Heaven. But what really makes this world, this life, so awful? There are only three things here that aren't awful, but are wonderful, a blessing. That is my creativity, my family, and my closest friends. You know who you are! Without you I wouldn't be here today, but you already knew that, since I'm barely here even with you.
It's everything else... the things I've been through, the mental torment, being victimised, not being able to live an independent life, always having to rely on others to survive when I hate the human society, ethics, laws, money, eating, drinking, sleeping, dreaming, hygiene, going to the bathroom, having to take medicine in loads just to cope, always being in pain, my brain torturing me day and night, politics, prejudice, values, critisism, bullies, addictions, population, animal cruelty, species extinction, weather/climates, this dull dirty industrial world... Did I leave something out? Poverty, stupidity, close-mindedness, fanatics, homophobia, transphobia, the education system, the employment market and having to work for money, traffic, work-/school hours, the health care system, obligations... I can go on forever.
So you see it's not just that my life is crappy, I find this whole world rather crappy. Sure it's very much my attitude though, which is hard to change because I have Dala to compare with. It's a blessing and it's a curse. I may never be able to love life, but it would be neat if I could just hate it a little less. Perhaps I can't accept this life for what it is.
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