I think we could call this blog entry somewhat of an EZP stp review, as I did kinda end up going in depth about my experiences with it so far, and also what more I need to practice and figure out about it, and some issues I've run into about using it. But then I also rant about other things that are more or less related to that.
How seldom do I really need to pee? I've recently wondered. Cause I think I only peed once the day before yesterday, and twice yesterday. Usually I want to wait until it's a strong need so I can more easily go with the stp, but once yesterday and then this morning I could go without it being super urgent. I hope my kidneys are doing fine, considering how seldom I pee, as lately, since I started using my stp and paying more attention to my peeing, I've only done it 1-2 times per day. I still drink a lot of water and coffee, and think I'm only mildly dehydrated. Sometimes my pee is very lightly yellow, other times it's golden or even deep orange, which is probably the best indicator I have to go by in determining how dehydrated I am.
But I also know my bladder is really huge (stretched over years of practicing holding it, to deal with my childhood incontinence that lasted far up into my teens, and last time I really had to deal with that issue I was 18 years old, but it was only a constant issue until I was 15, but now it's a thing of the past) and I probably pee out more than half a litre per time, cause it's a very heavy stream that lasts at least a couple of minutes, sometimes up to 5 minutes. I haven't ever measured the full content of it (by peeing into a bowl or pitcher then), but I know for a fact it most definitely does not fit in a 2 dl cup by very far, from urine tests I've taken for medical reasons.
It's so weird though, but in an amazingly good way, that ever since I used my stp for the second time (few days ago) and figured out how to make myself release it right away... it seems I've cured my "shy bladder" situation. It used to take me forever to make myself release the pee even when I was sitting down on my own toilet at home while completely alone and no pressure on me what so ever. Like I usually had to sit and focus on relaxing and letting it out for at least 5-10 minutes unless I was in a panicking need to pee like literally unable to hold it. Like it never worked instantly, sometimes even when it was urgent. I used to have the tap running or listening to music or holding my one hearing ear to block out sounds around me, closing my eyes, taking deep breaths, focusing as much as I could to relax, reading a comic, like anything I could possibly think of and it still sometimes wouldn't work so I had to give up and try again later.
For all my life, peeing has been such a fucking nuissance I don't even have words for how incredibly frustrating it's been! No one else ever talks about having those kind of issues, but I'm not gonna be ashamed over what's essentially just a medical issue about a very natural bodily function that literally everyone has, cause everyone pees. And if me talking about it can help others feel less ashamed over having suffered the same, even better! But yeah, all of my childhood and most of my teens I had undiagnosed incontinence, meaning I couldn't hold my pee quite a lot of the time, or a few times a week at least. It got from "no need" to "bloody fucking urgent" in a split second and then all I could do was while sitting jam my heel into my crotch and try to massage it to some kind of lesser urgency cause then I was stuck sitting like that until I could gain some control over it, cause if I got up to go to the bathroom I peed myself and there was nothing I could do.
My boy room where I slept as a kid was on the second floor, the farthest away from the bathroom possible. So at night when in urgent need to pee I had to run through a hallway, down a curved flight of stairs, through the vestibule, the kitchen, the living room and another hallway before I finally reached the bathroom - and by then it was usually too fucking late and I had left quite a trail after me...
I wet my bed hundreds of times, also when it wasn't my own bed at home, and peed through probably all of my pants and panties at some point or another. What triggered it I'm not sure, but laughing very hard was always very risky, and going to bed without having peed the evening before. Being extremely nervous could trigger it as well, and many times it just happened for no apparent reason. While at the same time I couldn't make myself pee when I was actually on the toilet! Can you imagine my utterly sheer frustration with my stupid bladder!? Or my stupid brain, rather, cause it was most likely a neurological issue more or less tied to my asperger. Possibly also the trauma stuff, but I had those issues long before my bullies fondled me, so that didn't cause the issues. But that's also a reason I think maybe I was abused when I was too young to remember it, cause incontinence is a very common reaction for kids who've been abused, especially sexual abuse.
But I think it was mostly just that my body/brain sucks at giving me the right signals at the right times, cause it's always been the same with my hunger and tiredness; meaning I feel no hunger at all until I'm suddenly starving, and I feel no sleepiness at all until I suddenly can't keep myself awake, and I'm not sure if I can even feel thirst at all (I just get a dry mouth from my meds and then feeling dizzy after a long time of no water). There's just no in-betweens, it goes from no signal to extremely urgent. I think why that is, is because of a poor brain-body connection in me, which could be an asperger thing, but it is still a mystery cause it seems to be rare and not understood in the medical field. All the doctors just shrug and look confused at me before they sigh and say "could maybe be your asperger?" so there's that, huh.
In my childhood I tried to talk to my parents about it, and they were very much aware of the issue cause quite often they changed my bed sheets after an accident and they gave me a plastic blanket to keep under my sheets on the mattress of my bed and told me to learn to hold it, but other than that they weren't really helpful. When I was 12 and first got my period, wearing such pads was mildly helpful (also a big reason I always preferred thick pads over tampons). It only helped if it was a mild accident, but often I just peed right through that damn thing along with my pants and if I was sitting on a cushioned chair... aw, man! That sucked. I did try to practice holding it and eventually I got to the point where I could hold it for several hours at a time, but I still had moments when it was just impossible to keep it in.
I don't know what eventually made the frequency of accidents decrease, sometime when I was around 15 years old, but it could have been because that's when I graduated from that school that sucked the life out of my soul and inhabited all of my previous bullies and so on. I hated that school and finally being free from it was a huuuge relief. So it could have impacted my mental state enough to give me more control over my bladder, but that's a theory at best. Since then it only happened sporadically, maybe a few times a year. Then as I said before, the last time I remember it happened was when I was 18. I was with R (that manipulative boyfriend) at a bus stop in Uppsala while waiting for a bus to take us back home again, and we were there with a few of his classmates as well, who were good friends.
They were telling some jokes that I thought were extremely funny and my hysterious laughter triggered my bladder. I knew that was way too familiar so I instantly sat down on the ground as I always did to quickly and (rather) effectively try to prevent a leak. I did manage to prevent it that time, luckily. Only a few drops escaped into my pantiliners. But of course it was embarrassing at the time to cause that kind of scene in front of other people and in public at that, cause of course they all understood what was going on. They weren't mean at all about it though, but it was just the last thing I wanted for much of anyone to know about me, regardless of how kindly they took it. But me managing to prevent it that last time it happened, might have actually been a huge stepping stone to me learning how to control it and keep preventing it. Okay it has happened after that, but then only while being very drunk, and I don't quite think that counts, and it was just a few times up until I was like... 21 or 22, I think?
Jeez, I think the only reason I had that fucking issue all the way up until my damn 20's was because my parents were so neglectful about it when I was a kid. I'm actually amazed that I managed to sort it out on my own eventually... Cause now I'm confident it won't happen and it doesn't ever happen anymore, whether sober or drunk. And also, that's kind of why I have such an easy time controlling my stream with using my new stp now and I mean I have very good control over it. I could play melodies with it against the toilet bowl! Also considering how much pee I can get out at once, I could make an entire 5 minutes long song before running out of it! I'm laughing at this right now...
So anyhow, up until around 8-9 years ago I struggled with not being able to stop the pee from flowing. And since forever up until very recently I also struggled with not being able to get the pee to flow when I needed for it to... So that has just been an overwhelming amount of pee-frustration in two opposing ways. You could say it clearly piss-ed me off! Pun totally intended, cause that one was too good to resist. Okay so that was a long rant about my past pissues, let's get back to present time:
Now as soon as I've positioned the packer and made sure it's in the right location and I've angled the dick right, it takes less than 2 seconds until I'm able to go. Every time. Like I just "do it" and have zero issue with it... it's so strange, cause most trans guys who've ever used stp's have the opposite situation, meaning they struggle much more to pee with the device than without it. I think what makes it the reverse for me, might be cause of some underlying pee dysphoria I wasn't aware of that I even had, that got relieved when I used the stp and it relaxed me. Like my body/mind on some subconscious level finally got to pee "the right way" and something connected and clicked within me.
I never thought that using an stp could be an actual "need" for me, dysphoria wise. I always just thought it could be practical and somewhat gender affirming, but I never thought my satisfaction from using one would turn out to be quite this rewarding. It amazes me that I found a solution that I didn't know I was even looking for, by just trying it out for fun. Before when I tried to use my old stp, the "Mr. Fenis" one, I really struggled to go with it at all, because I didn't trust it at all and knew I was gonna spill with it, because I always did spill with it no matter what I tried to do. Then that made me tense and not relieved, one way or the other. It's also not a very realistic looking stp, it just barely resembles a very plain dick with a vaguely pronounced head and in one solid caucasian skin colour. It's also big and clumsy, which further made me feel "off" and insecure about using it.
But with this EZP one, it works so well that I managed to let myself trust it almost right away, and that me trusting it, was what made me able to make myself go instantly. I did spill with it once, few days ago, and I know that it can happen at some point or another cause it's still possible I may misjudge the positioning cause of being unfocused or forgetting, but I still feel I can trust it, despite that. And that is actually huge.
For me and my extreme trust issues, I mean. Perhaps it seems silly, that my trust issues even extend in inanimate objects, but they do, cause that's how deep that wound goes. And maybe that's a reason why I get so angry at things when they don't behave as I want for them too, as if they prove to me I still cannot trust them either and that pours salt in that old wound that never fucking heals. Because it cannot heal for as long as I refuse to let myself trust. My fear and reluctance is like an infection to that wound, and having that fear being "proven" to be valid again and again by objects not "obeying" me, only worsens that infection and makes that figurative wound grow bigger. Or at least that's my theory. But I also think there's no one explanation/reason as to why I get angry so easily, but a whole nest of underlying reasons that intertwine and fight with each other. And I think I'm not yet even half aware of what most of those reasons are.
So, me being able to trust that stp is indeed a huge thing. And it's a wise kind of trust that allows for mistakes, which I think only makes that connection stronger and more likely to hold for a very long time. It's like my feeling towards it says something like: "I know you're not perfect and you will make mistakes and fail me at times, and I know someday you might break or get lost so I might have to replace you and hope I can get another of the same kind... and I hope you won't fail me when I most need you to work, but it's okay if you do and I'm strangely fine with all of that. I trust that you WILL work while at the same time I don't expect you to, and I forgive you if you don't." And that... is a kind of trust I have literally never known, never felt, never had before. Towards anyone or anything.
So... it might just be that this new stp not only relieves dysphoria I didn't even know I had, but also is a stepping stone to managing my very deep trust issues, which I totally didn't expect at all. Oh hell yes, I'm bringing it with me everywhere from now on! Even though I rarely come across any men's bathrooms that even has urinals, just using it in a stall would obviously work fine as well. Just make sure I won't spill over the edge in a public bathroom, cause that's not nice. But yeah, whenever I might get to somewhere there are urinals, I need to try using my stp there as well. I've never peed into a urinal before... that makes me both giggly excited to try it and nervous at the thought.
I know in the men's locker rooms at the swimming hall they have one of those wide urinals that looks a bit like a bathtub where you could stand at least 2 or 3 guys at the same time, and it's located in a separete, open room next to the showers, but I'd be naked if I'd be near that urinal and it would be a tad weird for me to use my stp while naked cause I don't think I can keep it in place as it is with no underwear or harness to keep it in place. And also a bit awkward cause other guys there would see it's not a real dick if I literally attach and detach it! I might be able to hide that action though, by facing a wall while fiddling and keeping my towel close at hand for when not having the stp attached to my crotch, and hiding the stp in the towel and/or the plastic bag I'd carry my soap bottle and swimshorts in. It might be tricky but doable.
Otherwise I don't know what public place I ever go to where there might be urinals. Only place I can think of is the ferry that goes between Visby and the mainland, but I'm not traveling with that one often at all. That "Creative Media" place I go to sometimes (that job-training thing) doesn't have urinals at their toilets. Just two regular toilets in stalls. So no such practice can be done there. As far as I can remember, the gym here in Hemse (that I haven't been to for the past 4 years) didn't have urinals either. The hospital/psychiatric department in Visby doesn't either. Maybe I could go to a random bar/pub somewhere in Visby to get drunk at and hope they have urinals, cause I can't think of any other place I could possibly practice that except from the swimming hall.
Cause I want to practice that despite so seldom being in a situation I'd pretty much have to. Because you never know when in any future I might actually need that particular skill/confidence. If I'd travel to visit my friends on the mainland again and go clubbing with them and then find myself in a desperate need to pee but the only stall in the men's room is occupied but the urinals have space, for example. I'm confident enough that my stp looks realistic enough to not look suspiciously fake for any cis guy who might catch a glimpse of it at a urinal. Especially if they're drunk at some night club or bar. Then I could probably use a fucking beer bottle painted with some beige paint as an stp and cis guys would be like "dick looks fine to me" if you catch my drift. Sometimes I really wonder if drunk guys can even tell the difference between a dick and a beer bottle... maybe that's why straight guys get gay when they drink...!
Sooo... I wouldn't worry about my stp not passing around drunk guys, and I also don't think I need to worry about it not passing around sober guys either. I mean, as long as I'm not using it in a very obviously weird manner that gets attention. I know that when I position it now, I have to kinda stand in a wider stance and bend my knees outwards a bit to get it positioned correctly before I can close my legs again, aim and pee. That might be a weird manouver that I might have to work on making more subtle first. The shape of my thighs is what makes it tricky to position the stp, but also is what makes it easy for the stp to stay well in place once I've positioned it right. I have kind of a very small "thigh gap" of 2-3 cm just at my crotch, before my thighs get much wider and then thinner again before the knees. So, that means I have to get that stp into that space that is my "thigh gap" which is a bit tricky, but once its there that little space is a perfect holder for it cause of my thighs keeping it in place from both sides and underneath. So when I pee through it, I don't need to hold it in place underneath. All I need to hold is the shaft to angle it downwards a bit and aim. So my body shape isn't ideal for it, but it totally still works.
But I'm thinking if maybe I can get it in place more subtly by standing a bit wider in stance and without bending my knees outwards try to like... slide it into that gap or space. It might not work if there's too much friction with the material of the stp against my hairy thighs. But, I'll try it nonetheless. Otherwise maybe I can position it well long before and keep it there as a packer so when I'll need to use it I can just whip it out like any cis guy would do it. It would be placed very low though, compared to cis dick.
But one thing about that which seems most trans guys are not aware of cause they're not total gay sluts like me... is that some cis guys actually have their dicks located very low, in a position that's very close to where my clit is on me. So cis dick location is actually very individual and can vary by several cm in height. Some cis guys I've been with had their dicks so low that their balls were very far back between their legs. Just a thought for when trying to figure out best way to position any kind of packers: whether it's high up or low down actually doesn't matter. But as a pointer: just 2-3 cm above the clit seems to be the most common location, in general. But anywhere between clit and about 10 cm above it are all natural variations in cis dick placement!
I definitely need to try using the stp at home while drunk! Let's see if I can hit the bowl, huh? Or if I'll shower my entire bathroom with piss... Well maybe that will be enough of a push to make me finally clean up in there. However, I don't want to get myself drunk that soon again. Although I might get drunk on Midsummer's but then I might have sexy company so practicing with the stp then might be weird... but I do plan on bringing it with me to use for peeing even when/if I'll have company. He might watch me, he might not. I haven't told him about me using an stp when we talked about both liking piss sexually... so me using that thing at some point or another might be a turn on or a turn off for him. I've just no idea. But of course I hope it would be a turn on for him... Cause I think it totally would be for me! Like it totally turns me on right now just thinking about peeing on or in him while using my stp... He's actually a bottom gay guy, and I'm just getting all sorts of ideas about that. Like maybe I'd want to ask him if I could penetrate him and/or play with his ass... He did show me some pics of his butt and it's a totally sexy butt! I'd love to get cosy with it, if he'd want for me too. I get the feeling he'd be totally up for it, but maybe just assuming I wouldn't be.
It does make me totally nervous thinking about penetrating another guy, but just general butt play on the giving end I'm less nervous about and more secure in that I know I like. So... maybe I could start by suggesting something more along the lines of touching, fingering and eating his ass out, and then if so, see if that could possibly proceed if we'd both be into it. But how come me, a bottom guy, ended up planning sex with another bottom guy? Well, he does seem to be kinda more of a verse bottom and expressed interest in penetrating me, and since I'm curious about topping as well, and into some more or less "topping stuff" like rimming another guy, being on the giving end of many kinks, etc... I'm sure we could have a lot of sexy fun together even though we're both at least primarily bottoms, cause seems we're both not exclusively bottoms.
He is very hot and handsome, not a whole lot older than me, a shy and sweet guy with a dirty mind whom I have a lot in common with in the sexual aspect... I somehow feel rather safe around him even though we haven't even met yet... and that makes me consider it more directly that maybe I'd actually want to try topping with him, even though he's a stranger. But we'll see if I'd even dare to ask him about it, and if we'll even manage to meet up. And also how well we'd "click" sexually in real life. But it's a thought and it's an idea that I'll be holding on to.
I think me exercising and working out as much as I do these days, actually discourages me from drinking alcohol though. Cause I know how bad it is for the body to work out while drunk or soon after/before drinking or while hangover. And I'm much more focused on working out than getting drunk, so it gets down-prioritised. And that's good though, isn't it?
But back to my packer. Despite how amazing it is and what an amazing tool it is, there is a downside to using it that I have not quite brought up yet. I don't want for that issue to discourage me, cause it does mean I can't really use it as a packer, like keeping it in my pants for a longer time, unless I can figure out a solution for this issue that has arisen, a few days ago. What it is, is that when I wear it positioned as a packer in my briefs, the cup part of it kind of "vacuum locks" my actual genitals into that cup part. And what happens with that is... well, they swell. And after just an hour or two my pussy doesn't look very good and it's a little uncomfortable. What I'm saying is, that my stp basically functions as an unintentional "pussy/dick pump" and I don't think that's entirely healthy if it goes on for too long or I'd forget about it, cause I don't feel it initially. Like it could cause bruising and possibly even block bloodflow, cause the swelling gets uneven like a lot in some areas and barely any at all in other areas. Then the swelling areas could get too swollen and get bruised, and they could potentially block bloodflow in the non-swelling areas.
When it's just been few minutes to an hour and only twice so far before I decided to not wear it as a packer in my briefs but instead keep it in my bathroom and only use it as an stp when I get the need to, I don't think I should worry about it. But it does mean that's an issue currently preventing me from simply wearing it, unless I can figure out a way to position it that doesn't cause that vacuum-locking situation to occur. In the instructional video about this stp on the website the guy said the edge around the cup part of the stp would not touch against your body all the way around... but for some reason that's exactly what it does on me, preventing any and all air from getting in between my crotch and the silicone, which is what's causing that vacuum, that in turn creates a "sucking" pressure which then swells my actual genitals, in pretty much the same way a (manual) dick pump works.
So, as for a solution, I need to find a way to place it there without the entire edge of the cup part touching my body so that air can get in between me and the stp. But how??? Ugh, I've no idea. I tried placing it higher up - didn't work. I've tried pushing it to the side a bit - didn't work either. There's not really that much else I can think of, you know. Lower down and it would be very inconvenient and leave me with no visible bulge at all, plus I would literally sit on it then. Except I could try to maybe put something between me and the stp, like a piece of toilet paper or a pantiliner, maybe. But I worry that might make using it as stp more difficult cause of papers or what not being in the way. It locking against my body like that is very good when peeing through it, cause it prevents spilling very well. But it doing that when not peeing with it might actually injure me. Tough shit, huh? Well I'll continue thinking about it and hope I get a good idea at some point.
On the positive side of that though, it does collect my pussy juices really practically in the cup part, and then I "rinse" that goo away from the stp whenever I pee next time. That's a neat thing, but makes the stp stink a tad more quickly.
Other than that I don't think I have more to say about my stp habits so far, or all of my various pee issues. However I'm looking into maybe buying some extra large non-latex condoms... been realising the ones I already have at home will be way too small for a lot of guys. I can very barely stuff one of those onto a barely medium-sized dildo, it takes a lot of effort and it sit very tight on it. Also cause non-latex condoms aren't as flexible as their latex counterparts. And I know not having big enough condoms that won't cause an allergic reaction is a huge reason I'm too often skipping condoms altogether. Yeah I can whine about it all my life how fucking inconvenient my latex allergy is, but it's not gonna go away and it's also not an excuse to skip condoms altogether.
I googled some xl non-latex ones and I did get a few results, so maybe I should order some of those then. I should have thought of this sooner though, cause I might need them in just a few days, in which time they might not arrive, unless I'm lucky as fuck enough that the guy I have plans with actually already has some non-latex ones available and with him. But I highly doubt that cause that kind of allergy is pretty rare and not something most people even think about unless they themselves or their partner has that allergy. And I just really, really doubt my current condoms would fit on this guy unless some kind of miracle happens! Yeah okay so I at least ordered a pack of extra large non-latex condoms, 10 in a pack for 180 kr (around 19-20 euro). I don't think I'd need more than ten of them quite this soon, and if I will I think it would be fine to just order more next week or so then. They don't tend to last forever (about 2 years though) and hardly every guy I am/would be with is quite that well-endowed. I chose some "fast order" option that didn't cost me that much more, so I'll hopefully get them before Midsummer, but yeah here's me crossing all my fingers and toes for that.
Cause even though I'm not the one equipped with dick, I kinda have to be the one making sure condoms are available because it's me with the inconvenient latex-allergy that means it's difficult to find condoms I can even use, in most physical stores. I really can't have sex with latex condoms, it's so painful I'd just rather not have sex at all then... and I know for a fact it's the latex that makes it painful and not some lack of lube or lack of arousal or too big dick or whatever. It's been incredibly painful with small dicks and heaps of lube of being so damn fucking aroused I thought I was gonna flip off to crazy-land. And that pain is also very different from friction-damage and pain from being stretched too far too quickly. Latex pain is much more long-lasting and like a literal "slow burn" cause it feels like a burning sensation. That's just not something I want in my sex life if I can at all possibly avoid it.
This guy seems very keen on protection, which I think is very understandable and reasonable and I'm definitely not complaining about that, cause I know I really need to start using them as well. I'm not complaining about him or anyone else wanting to use them with me, I'm really just complaining about my own reluctance to use them, and of course I'm also complaining about the existence of std's in general, and the existence of my own annoying reproductive system that I surely want yanked out of me so I won't ever have to worry about pregnancies, at the very least. I wish that yanking out my uterus could prevent me from getting std's as well though. Better finish this shit off now or I never bloody will.
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