Things restored imperfectly

You know what? If I won't like the scarring on my new boobs when I get them, I could get a tattoo. I've seen some really gorgeous, feminine, gothy chest tattoos that would be badass. Like those "under boob" ones that come up in a point between the boobs, and look like lace. I could get something like that but let it trail up on the boobs as well, towards the nipples. Cause I suspect most if not all of the scarring would end up on the lower halves of the boobs. But then also the scars might not even bother me.

I saw some short youtube vids about breast reconstruction and well... seems like the ones with skin grafts (if I would need to get that kind) take several stages to complete, and they're kinda like a phalloplasty, but for the chest. It would leave far less scarring on the donor site(s) though, and most likely that would be taken from the back, butt, thigh or stomach. The scars there would just be a line, so nothing like a phalloplasty donor site scar that look like burn wounds. I mean, if I'd need to go that route, I could try to opt for either thighs or butt (because it would be for making two boobs and not just one I'm guessing tissue would be taken from both sides of the body instead of just one side, as was shown in the videos) so I could get a butt lift included for free or slimmer thighs. That would be pretty neat.

I wonder what my situation with body hair will be like by that time though, cause I'd prefer not getting hairy boobs. But then on the other hand, my chest is already hairy so maybe it wouldn't be so big of a deal.

But I am still hoping it will be enough to just get implants. Like with expanders first or something. That would be amazing though, with expanders. Cause then it be like literally watching them grow! With growing pains included! Almost like a third puberty! I mean, if I count my male puberty as my second puberty. I think that would be a very... positively intense experience, as well as letting me get used to getting new boobs over time. So I'm hoping for that method to be a viable option for me.

My brain has been bothering me with images and sounds from a tv series. A character dying from breast cancer complications. I know I don't have that struggle, but the way her feelings about her post-op chest are portrayed, although they only sit around bleak in my memory now, resonate with that part of my heart that hurts when it gets triggered. And I was just writing and editing a longer text for tumblr when that character's entire death scene kept playing on a constant loop in my head... I'm restless, I can't focus. It hurts and I'm sad.

But well at least I did manage to sort out my feelings about getting breast reconstruction a bit more, and they solidified a more too. The key points are:

- That I actually want to be able to embrace my chest as it is now but feel too fucking ripped apart to manage it. Like it's not possible without boobs there.

- That it's not even a fight at all. It's more like I'm trying to comfort something inconsolable, and it's heartbreaking. Cause it's myself I'm trying to comfort, it's my own mental wounds I'm trying to kiss better, but they won't heal. So I'm not even fighting with myself on this at all. I'm not holding a battle axe against my feelings, I'm holding a first aid kit.

- Also about my feelings having changed: Cause as a guy it was hard for me to embrace my fem parts, and as a woman I struggle to accept my masc traits instead. And the irony is that it's still the same body and the same mind; just different perspectives, and a lot more knowledge about myself. I can't "go back" to feeling like I used to, cause I know too much now.

Like for example if there was a rumour going around about a hurricane approaching my village, but no one really knows for sure, I might think "it's probably not a real threat, maybe just a slight storm coming or something" so I'm not worried. But then a reliable news source confirms it with lots of info, then I'd likely get really fucking worried and panicky. Cause getting more knowledge changes perspectives. Same with my chest: before I thought it wasn'st such a big deal and like I could handle it cause I didn't know my true feelings about it or what it meant or even the real reason I had my top surgery. But now I know and literally it's like "I can't unsee this" and thus, it's affecting me a lot worse now in detransition.

- (about my what if's) But I don't think those are actual doubts. I think they're a mix of desperation in my grief of pleading for the dead to wake up again (as in not wanting to accept my harsh reality) - and my fear of ending up making a mistake again.

- I know I can't go back in time to undo top surgery, although that would have been practical. So I know I'll need to reconcile with that shard of my past whether I'll get the reconstruction or not. But I also feel like I can't even begin to reconcile with it without that reconstruction.

- It is to the point where I am dependent on my breast forms. I can't go around without them very long at all (only for showers and sleep). They're not enough but they're something, and that something I'm holding onto with a desperate grip for my dear life, and refusing to let go of.

- And I do feel certain that more surgery is what I need, already taking into consideration that I want to alter body as little as possible from here on to find my peace with it. But I also have to accept that sometimes some things hurt too much to embrace as they are, and then you need to take a different route to find that peace.

Like I can reconcile with pretty much all the permanent changes that the testo gave me, even the difficult ones, and I'm pretty sure I can find ways to be fine with them (without removing/fixing them) although it's difficult and may be a long process, I feel it is possible. But with my chest what I feel is so different it can't even be measured with the same scale, so I need to take a different approach.

And also this little kinda sidenote realisation:
- They're (the breast forms) like a child's comfort blanket. But then I always hold onto my comforts as though I'm still a child, scared of losing something I love, even if it's just been gone for 2 seconds. I panic, and it ramps up so quickly, as if the world is suddenly falling apart at my feet. I know that is probably very directly connected to my traumas, because it is a very old, and irrational, fear. It is most definitely a child's fear.

To wrap all that up:
By going for surgery I'm not trying to escape having to reconcile with and embrace my chest, but rather using the surgery as an aid to reach that goal. An aid that I need for that specific part of my body but not the rest of it. That I have to take a "part by part" approach and upon doing so I see that I need to work in different ways with my chest specifically, and then it hit me more firmly that getting the reconstruction is in fact something that I NEED to get but wish I didn't have to do. So it's a means of necessity to obtain the same goal as with the rest of my body, but just needs a bit more specialised care for me to get there with it.

I do definitely keep in my mind that surgery should be a last resort and not the first thing you go for. And it wasn't the first thing I reached for. Padded bras and shaving my chest was the first thing. Then taping a fake cleavage. Then trying to embrace it as it is. Then breast forms. Then trying to focus on the positive aspects of it. Then trying to ignore it and just letting it be there. All has failed or is too far from enough. My chest is like a wall of sadness that won't stop crying no matter what I try to comfort it with. And I know that what it says between snivels is that it needs new breasts to feel at home and comforted, and that nothing else could console it. I feel like a stressed out mother trying to comfort her constantly crying child, in all the ways she can possibly think of, but nothing is working. And the child's pain and sadness creeps into my soul, until eventually all I could do was just being there and whispering calmingly "I'm here, I'm here" and that's the state I've been stuck in for the last couple of months or so now.

And then hearing that I can get the reconstruction via the gender clinic lifted much of the weight that that sadness has brought. That too, was a form of confirmation that I truly need that surgery. The crying child finally responded and gave me a hug. Although it's still crying, it has hope now. And it's the only thing that's given it hope so far. To me that is a very important sign, that soft, careful hug I felt from within myself upon hearing I can get the surgery. I think that was my heart's way of telling me "yes, this is what I need".

I know I have to get that surgery, no matter how scary it is. No matter how much I'd rather there was a less invasive and less scary way to heal my wounds. I've tried everything I can think of, but to no avail. There might be a lot of things about the surgery that scares me, and also that little thought in the back of my mind that says "I never thought I'd ever want to get a breast reconstruction" as though it's the wildest and weirdest and most "not me" thought ever, even despite all that... I long for it. And the thought of having it done soothes me so much, like it makes my heart sigh of relief. And I feel like I'll love my new boobs no matter what, even if they're a scarred and uneven mess... cause I'll give them all the love that I never could give my original boobs.

But I also keep in mind that I might struggle at first. That I might feel unease at what they look like or their weight on my chest, and that they might bring me flashbacks to my past traumas. So I plan to be super self-caring and gentle with both my chest and my mind, and be super keen on giving myself time to adjust, and allowing myself to feel that unease. Not judge that feeling as "I made another mistake" at least not right away, cause that's not certain at all. And I think that's super important. And I'll most definitely try my absolute hardest to not force myself to love them or hurry that process up. If it needs time, so be it. I've got time. And if that becomes a very difficult struggle with little to no progress, then I'll look into what I could do about that. Like if I might need to seek a revision, or consult in some therapist about my trauma feelings, or even just go to a spa or something relaxing like that... or whatever might come in handy to help me cope better.

Cause I know I've always struggled to embrace or to not feel "iffy" about natural things that have been artificially made or things restored imperfectly. I'm pretty sure that comes from that teddy bear I had as a child that the family dog ate, that it created a kind of trauma and a phobia. And it just hits me now... that is exactly what I fear about my chest after reconstruction. Just thinking about that teddy I had as a child... and how horrible I felt about it after my father had fixed it for me. It looked WRONG and it made it crawl under my skin whenever I looked at it or tried to touch it. I felt so guilty that I couldn't love it. Eventually I had to stuff into a drawer or something where I could forget it ever even existed. But of course it doesn't work that way, because I always remembered it. And the phobia it caused always followed me. I wonder if I still have it somewhere. If I could find it....

Oh god I'm crying. This hit a particularly sore spot in me. And it's not just sore, it's really painful and bleeding. I doubt I still have that teddy and even if I don't... I'm gonna need to really deal with that phobia/trauma of mine, cause now it's about my body. I can't stuff my chest into a drawer and try to forget it ever existed. Fuck, it's gonna be sooo difficult. How could I have missed that piece? My body is gonna be that teddy... it already is but even more so after surgery, when it's been "restored imperfectly". Fuck.

I'll really try to find that teddy, as there's only one place it could possibly be, in my storage room. And if I'll find it... I'll bring it up into my apartment and have it in my bed at night and on my desk at day, and use it to deal with that phobia once and for all. If I can't find it, I'll just try my best to expose myself to other things that trigger that phobia, and kiss my fingers when I feel that creeped out tingly feeling in them after touching what triggered me. No matter how painful and how difficult, I need to work with this now. I can't ignore it anymore.

Well, at least there I found the explanation for another one of my "doubts"... but yikes, that's a painful splinter jammed into my heart. I've no idea how to yank it out. I can feel it's the source of a lot of pain. But yeah... I'm glad I found it.

I wish I had a better option than surgery, but I don't. This is my best option so I'm just gonna have to work with it as well as I can. And if that means going through another grieving process (cause of comparing my new boobs to my lost ones) so be it and I'll get through that too. No one grieves forever. No one grieves forever.

Before my top surgery, I wasn't aware of that I carried a trauma about my chest that showed itself as a form of gender dysphoria, so I took the wrong route in my attempt to heal my pain. Like taking the wrong medication for any illness you could have been misdiagnosed with. But now I know the truth behind that pain and also know how best to heal it, and even tried it out on other parts of my body with truly exceptionally amazing results. So the risks of me being wrong again now, I feel are extremely low.

And I feel all the more certain the more I'm looking into it, and the more I'm able to connect to my emotions again as my natural hormone levels restore within my body. I feel, more and more, like I can trust myself again. My gentle, yet brutally honest approach to my insecurities, worries, fears, desires, wishes and hopes, really does feel like a ride in the exact right direction. And I keep getting it confirmed that I'm not messing up at all this time. This time, I'm actually healing myself, not just thinking or assuming that I am.

I wonder if another reason for my insecurity could be that this "truth" I've discovered is essentially a self-diagnosis, and the "wrong" was an actual, medically made, (mis)diagnosis, as far as I know. Perhaps it will solidify my feelings and thoughts on this even further if the psychologist I'll see in Stockholm who's gonna re-evaluate my gender situation will confirm that I am in fact not a transsexual, do not have gender dysphoria and that I was in fact, really, truly, misdiagnosed. Cause I think so. Just getting that medically professional opinion that I'm not mistaken now instead of back then. And that I'm even sitting here and thinking that might be the case, I think says a lot about how much I really want to make sure this time. I got burned, really badly burned, by that mistake I made, and now I'm scared to go near that stove again.

But with all that said, I still feel on a very deep level that breast reconstruction surgery is what I truly want and need. I feel a lot of positivity and soothing calm around it. Like it is going to restore my body, as much as anything can. I do long for it, I yearn for it, and I can't stop thinking about how awesome it will be. But the actual completeness that I seek from myself, I will need to work on on a soul-level to find. Just having the surgery won't make me complete, it is merely a necessary tool to find that completeness. I will find it though, eventually.

This one thing also hit me recently:
Sometimes I hear trans people say that if someone has no doubts about going into surgery or taking hrt, then that's a red flag that something is wrong. During my entire transition, when I was in it, I felt like I had no doubts. Suddenly, I understand what they mean. It's not that I didn't have doubts, it's that I did but refused to acknowledge them and that's what led to this disaster. It has now taught me to always, always listen to my heart: it knows me better than my mind does, and it always wants what's best for me.

Just a sidenote to finish this entry with:
Having been on testosterone taught me the value of logic and keeping it cool in difficult situations. Going back to estrogen teaches me the value of emotions and allowing yourself to break down every once in a while. Both are just as important and valuable, and that also helps me become a little less sexist. I am loving women more and more, and I don't think as poorly of them anymore, by far, compared to just a month or two ago. As I also come to love myself and my own womanhood more and more.

I'm not nonbinary, although I'm glad I looked into it without judgement. Just that I feel so very connected to and uplifted by thinking of myself as a woman says really all I need to know about my gender. I'm proudly a woman and I revel in being one. I re-invented myself as my own kind of woman and that's very important for me. Thinking of myself as nonbinary would just be another escape from who I truly am.

Yes, I am strange, unconventional and androgynous, and sometimes I feel like a man, but so what? It doesn't make me less of a woman or not a woman. It just makes me a different kind of woman. Because the term "woman" has no limits. Limiting myself to that term is not actually a limit at all, but a world of possibilities and potential. And I know now that I can find and already have found, a hell of a lot of strength in that.

I don't think I can explain in words what being a woman means to me, but I feel it like a spark of warming and energising light within myself. It is a bright fire that needs no fuel to burn. All it needs is the space to exist.