So, the appointment at the gender clinic in Stockholm... but first, one major complaint about the trip in general: I got stung by a wasp! The nasty bug had fallen down on my wig and I didn't know what it was so tried to remove it with my hand... it didn't like that! So it stung me on my finger. But luckily it wasn't a bad sting. It just hurt for a while and got slightly swollen. It's still a little sore, but not too bad. I know exactly where that little bugger came from: there's a nest of them on my parents' porch, where I sat to smoke. The few that are still alive heat up on the ceiling lamp out there, which was right above me. So the wasp that stung me must have fallen down from that lamp and onto my head. God damn creatures... I'm not scared of them, but they do make me very uncomfortable when they're close. I don't panic around them, but I sure tense up quite a bit. So, as soon as that one had been dealt with, I was calm again and really just bitter about the pain in my finger.
But let's move on from that slight misfortune. At the appointment I met with the therapist alone, and she asked if I preferred her asking me questions or me just telling, and I said questions would be better. So she first asked me boring stuff about how I live, what I do for a living, if I have a partner, and so on. And then she asked me about how, why and when I started thinking I wanted to detransition. I tried my best to explain my situation with that, mention a little about my breakup with Y (cause I think that was my first very small step towards detransing), and also talked about Anna's part in all of that, cause she did play a huge part. Without my switching with her, that day in late June, I would likely never have come to this realisation. So I thought it was important to bring up.
It was however difficult for me to explain what my switching with Anna means and how she is not me yet she is. Like that about her not being a part of my consciousness but acts and appears as though she's a different person in my mind and sometimes in control of my body. It's weird. It's rare. I bet that therapist doesn't often get to hear about that kinda stuff happening to real people in reality.
Anyhow, moving on. I also told her about my "shadow work" like that's how I've been managing to dig up and accept uncomfortable aspects of my mind, which was part of my more direct approach towards discovering my truth. I think she understood that better. A therapist (actually her title is doctor (within psychiatry) which is a high rank with lots of education required) is likely to know about one of the most world known founders of modern psychology: Carl Jung, and his most famous theories. I'm an amateur, but she did seem to understand why I've chosen to be my own therapist, and seemed to like that it's been helpful for me. I dunno, something glistened in her eyes when I talked about it.
I also told her that I think my dysphoria was solely a reaction from my past traumas, because since I started healing them from within, the dysphoria has been disappearing more and more until eventually it was completely gone. I told her I quite often get called "he/him" by strangers etc, but that it also doesn't bother me, and I really don't mind being called "she/her" either. That pronouns indifference of mine. So then she also asked me what I felt the most uncomfortable/dysphoric about now, and I said just straight out and very clearly: "my chest". I know I have a tendency to beat around the bush, sound unsure and sugarcoat things I struggle to talk about even when I am super sure about them, because I get uncertain about what reaction I might get; but this time I really did outdo myself! I was very straight to the point, clear and concise. I'm proud of myself for that achievement. That actually surprised me, that I could manage that with sheer will-power.
Then we did look at her computer at some of the earlier notes from the time of my treatment at their gender clinic (from years 2013 and 2014) and some of the notes from the gender clinic in Uppsala where I got my diagnosis (from years 2009 through 2012). She said that when she took my case, back in 2013, she had looked through my case/file in regards to what the clinic in Uppsala had noted about me during my evaluation, and thought it was alright and nothing odd about my diagnosis. But we found one REALLY odd thing about the Uppsala clinic's notes though, and it kinda shocked me: it said they had referred me to endo for starting me on testo, back in 2011...
They most certainly had NOT. Or at least I never got told about anything such and nor did I get any appointment for endo back then. I can't have been so out of my mind with my suicidality and addictions etc that I simply missed that. Not fucking possible. That simply did not happen. Unless I could have switched with Anna and blacked out?! I'm guessing that's a faint possibility. If she could have told them off claiming I didn't want it. Cause if it was late in 2011, that could have happened, theoretically. I don't think I got any more appointments with them into 2012 (I then moved to Gotland in June 2012, and sought the clinic in Stockholm) and like I wondered why. Shit. That would explain that! Well of course I can't blame Anna now if she did do that. Not that it helped in the long run though, but still. I think if she did that, I'd almost actually be thankful? Or at least I'd be very compassionate to her, knowing how very much she did NOT want to go on testo. If that was her one and only time showing herself in public, just to do that... damn, that would have been impressive of her!
And I'm actually considering that as a possibility cause there is a lot I still don't know about my mind. And damn, reading that note hit me out of nowhere. If she finds those complete papers from Uppsala... I'd wanna read them too. This is so fucked up! I wonder if that 7 years old referral can be found in the system somewhere, like if it can be traced... to find out if I was actually referred to an endo back then or not.
This is really grinding my gears, man!
Reading that note was... strange. I saw it on the screen myself. It said "(me) has been referred to endocrinologist for starting testosterone" dated at 2011. 2 years before I remember having actually gotten it. I was self-medicating with testo back then, or around that time. I stopped the self-medding in August 2011. Then I was off testo for 2 years until I got it from the clinic's in Stockholm referral to an endo on Gotland.
Something she told me too, that with that I have Asperger's. She asked me if it's possible I could be a bit "fixated" or "stuck" on this detransing thing. It was a little harsh, but she told me very gently and I could see she had true concern about that. So I told her I'll give it some thought.
But oh my god, I can't delay it anymore, I have to say the greatest news! I will very likely be able to get breast reconstruction surgery from there!!! Oh my jolly good grievens, suuuuch a relief to hear that! And also sooner than I thought. The plan is this:
- I'll need to see a psychologist to do a "mini evaluation" to basically revoke my transsexualism diagnosis and make sure that I'm on the right track now and also so that they can write a letter for the "powers that be" (the state board, highest creed of the country) that will grant me a female gender marker again. It's to basically abate (overturn) that I was granted a legal sex change, to change it back. The board that handles such cases requires a psychologist's note but my therapist said they'd very very likely grant it. So like, no worries. They just need a reason, that's why the hassle.
- So I'll need to see that psychologist a few times or so, and that will apparently be done over the next months to 6 months or so, depending on the psychologist's and my availability. Although apparently video appointments could be an option. Like with webcam. Then I'll get to see the gender therapist again in February next year, which is also, btw, very close to my rape (12th) anniversary. 2 days before it to be exact.
- And then after that evaluation is done and if everything seems to be alright, she'll send a referral for plastic surgery!!! Which means, I could even get it within a year from now! Oh my god, that's so exciting! (And yeah btw, I've already reconciled with that I'll most likely get scarred boobs. Cause you know what? My chest has been scarred for the past 4 years already. And the old scars can be lessened too with surgical alterations. But the flatness is what's REALLY bothering me, not the scarring, current or future ones. So yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll love my new boobies, scars included. Both my mind and heart have calmed down significantly about that. It's not a big deal at all, for me now. Having gotten that a lot more realistic expectation some weeks ago was harsh at first, but since then I've felt much better about it, and now I don't feel deterred by it at all.)
But also, I want to clarify that she asked me about how I felt about having had top surgery before, and I told her about my "instant post-op regret" that I buried and shoved away, cause I thought it was a permanent change and like there was no going back, so might as well try to like it. And that I was like happy about it on the surface, but in actuality I felt really terrible about it. And also clarified that it was not about the result itself being bad. I said I think it looks really good, like if I had been a trans man it would have been amazingly good (but not "perfect" but then I've never been a perfectionist) but I'm a woman and.... yeah, yikes. So she seemed to understand that my missing having breasts and wanting new ones is a wish that goes really deep.
Then she also asked me about some various testo changes and how I felt about them now. She started with my facial hair and to that I said that I'm unsure and need more time to figure out if I want to keep it or not. I said that to purposely give an "open answer" just in case my feelings might change on that, considering I'm so dithering on it. It does NOT mean I'd go against my feelings to fit into society, it simply is to give myself the option just in case I'd actually start to feel really really bad about it and come to that decision on my own to want it removed. Then she asked me about my body hair, and I told her it bothers me, especially that on my chest and stomach. She said that might likely get reduced by giving my body more time off testo. That has been my thought too.
And... then she literally whispered when she asked me how I feel about my clit having grown on testo... even though it was just the two of us in that room. But I get it was because of it being a rather sensitive question. It was a little awkward, but I shook off that feeling quickly. And I told her, clearly and and simply, that "it doesn't bother me". (I do love it, along with the rest of my pussy). I gave her no more details than that simple statement though. I guess I could have said that my reasoning for that is that well, it's still a clit (and not a dick) and some women have larger ones naturally, and mine didn't get THAT large on testo. It's still just one inch (exactly 2,5 cm) and I know some trans guys grow theirs to several inches, like up to about 10 cm. That would likely have made me uncomfortable about it now, if mine had grown that big. But it didn't, and that might be a big reason as to why I'm still fine with it.
But then I really didn't feel like digging deep into the topic of my clit, with her. That its increased size doesn't bother me is probably enough information for her to know. But yeah, if it's brought up again and/or she wants more details about how I feel about any parts and all of my body, I'll try to be a bit more elaborate then...
She also asked me about my voice and I said I'm fine with that too. I think it's really good that she did ask me about all those various things, because I clearly feel very different about a lot of the changes I got from my transition. That's a lot better than if she had just straight up assumed I wanted to reverse everything or even none of it, for that matter. So that felt very good and non-judgemental. She treated me as just a person, and neither as a trans man nor a cis woman, with whatever expectations there might be on either of those two categories. Yeah I'm a cis woman, but I'm not exactly an "average Ms. Jane Doe girl next door" kind of cis woman, am I?
She did only ask me about the permanent effects. Which makes sense, cause no need to discuss the things that will return and/or reverse on their own, given more time off testo. I think we did discuss periods a bit too though, but I don't remember much of that, and it probably wasn't very interesting either. Btw, my "period dysphoria" vanished when I started loving my pussy. They appeared to have been connected. Since then, I've just been thinking that periods would be annoying, but not dysphoria-inducing in any way. So that's how I know I'll handle them. I mean, unless they end up becoming super extreme, like they've been in the past, simply in terms of practicality.
We did also take a look at my the results of my hormone levels, that I got tested 10 days ago. Apparently my testo is at 20, which is within normal range for adult males, so I don't think it's dropped much, if at all. However my estrogen was actually quite high, at 230-something. It's not "high" for adult females, but it's in the lower end of "normal" for women, like she explained it can be like that during certain times of the menstrual cycle for cis women. I was a bit happy about that number though. My ovaries are alive!!! They've risen from their slumber! I didn't think they were dead, but just... it's just nice to see them waking up again. My little estro-bulbs.
But with my testo still being that high, I think I have even more reason to ask my endo (whom I'll see on Monday) about testo-blockers. Cause this might take half an eternity if I'm just gonna wait for the testo to leave my body. But then also, it's only been 3 weeks that I've been off testo, technically. So it might start dropping for real within a month or so from now. I really don't know though. Despite the return of the periods (that will happen but hasn't yet) I really do look forward to being free from that extra testo. I just hope going off it won't kill my sex drive. But somehow I don't think it will. I've always been a horny girl, considering my 20 years long masturbation habit. I've wanked off the past two thirds of my life! Not really, I know, but it was fun to say.
So, now I'm waiting for an appointment with whichever psychologist they'll assign me. Also, she did say that usually the detrans evaluation is meant to be done by the same psychologist who did the original trans evaluation on the patient, but in my case.... it was in Uppsala and apparently that psychologist is not working there, or at all, anymore! I'm guessing he's retired. He was kinda old already back then and was close to getting retired, and that was back in 2009, meaning 9 years ago. So, wouldn't surprise me at all he's not working anymore. So, for my detrans evaluation, I'll get some new psychologist, and in Stockholm, instead.
I did tell her also, btw, that I feel it was something iffy about the team in Uppsala, how they treated my case. She didn't have all the papers from them in her office today, so she promised she'll look hard to find them for our next appointment in February, so we can go through it properly. I think that's good, really good actually. That might also allow for me to truly, once and for all, get to the bottom of just HOW iffy they were. If I was hit with actual malpractice from their part, possibly even. I think that's worth looking into, especially now considering my detransing. If they actually fucked up my case, I think that should be brought to light. They'd be in real trouble if that happened though, but somehow I don't much care for saving their reputation if so. They misdiagnosed me. I've no reason to feel sorry for their fuckups if I'm their fuckup.
She also asked me about other detransitioners (and she used the word "detransition" with a Swedish pronounciation, which intrigued me), if they've often gone through trauma, and I said that yes, that seems to be very common. I should have also told her that other very common reasons are internalised misogyny (in detrans women), internalised homophobia (most common in detrans lesbian women) and dissociative disorders (seems more common in detrans men), but I couldn't find the Swedish words for any of those things. I could have translated the first one to just "sexism about/targetting one's own gender, and feeling bad about it" and the second one possibly to "feeling bad about being attracted to the same sex" or some stronger word than "bad" maybe. But I was nervous and too focused on myself, maybe.
But I could clearly tell she was very keen of learning something, ANYTHING about detransitioners in general. And yeah she kinda saw an opportunity with me there, haha. I don't think that was a bad move of her's though. Cause it wasn't insensitive and only took up like half a minute of our conversation.
I didn't bring up my own bisexuality, by the way. I just thought of that now. But I think really though my detransing was not because of my bi-denial, even though my bi-denial was definitely connected to my detransing. I'm not sure how to explain that in simple terms, but like.... both my original dysphoria and my bi-denial spawned from the same pile of crap, but they are both actually two separate issues. Until I detransed, then I could let go of my bi-denial cause of being more true to myself in general. But my bi-denial was not, as I see it, a cause for my dysphoria or why I thought I was trans.
But now I'm getting off on a tangent. So maybe it's time I'll finish this entry before I'll just keep writing until I fall asleep. I don't think there's any more important things for me to add about my appointment. But yeah, also that according to her professional opinion, I did get misdiagnosed. But that won't be official until after the evaluation.
To sum it up, it was a very informative and rewarding conversation. It cleared up a lot of what I was uncertain of, she seemed to understand me (at least somewhat, that dissociation stuff was tricky to explain), I did not feel pressured into anything, I'm proud of that I could speak up clearly, and it made me SOOO happy I can actually get my breast reconstruction surgery. That loosened up quite a few knots in my stomach. I feel positive about this. And I think that evaluation could be interesting to go through as well. It might even teach me something more about myself. Now I need to go sleep. Really struggled to keep my eyes open reading through the last third or so of this. It's 3am and I've been up for almost 23 hours as well. I felt to tiredness, then suddenly I'm almost snoozing on my keyboard. As per usual, that is. Ketchup effect on everything...
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