I just wrote a reply for a post in a facebook group about opinions on non-binary, and while I wrote that reply, I got a new realisation about myself, in a particular paragraph that I'll include soon. But I just want to first say that this blog entry became something truly special that I really did not expect would happen. That single paragraph eventually spawned something bigger, something way bigger, and very important. Not just important, but profoundly crucial for my journey. Sharing this feels like sharing a piece of my heart's inner-most core, something very pure and truly beautiful, which I'll very gladly share, with a bright smile on my face.
Here's the paragraph, and then follows the rest:
"What of that is gender dysphoria or not, I don't know. Having had top surgery was a mistake for me as it made me feel like I lost an integral part of my body, but it feels more like I've been amputated than induced gender dysphoria. Although that difference may be very subtle. I don't think I miss my boobs because they were female, but because they were simply a part of my body that I now feel incomplete without, like any other limb. And I think that is the same reason I don't want to undo the changes I've gotten from T, as they are too, now a part of me. And why I don't think I ever got dysphoric about being on T might be because it never removed anything from my body, but only added more to it."
My thinking with that is, perhaps I never really had gender dysphoria at all. Not even now. Perhaps my perception of what makes my body "complete" has nothing to do with gender at all. But with keeping it intact. In the sense that I reacted badly to top surgery because it removed a part of my body, not because it was a gendered/sexed part. The way I feel about my chest now is very, very different from how I feel about any other aspect of my transitioned body. And I think this is a very important distinction for me to have found out about. I know what it means now but I struggle to find the right words to explain it.
What I feel about any and all of the additional changes my body went through on testosterone, ranges from frustrated to happy. There is no grief, regret or true disconnection towards any of them. At worst it's that I feel frustrated about my body- and face hair while still liking it on a deep level. At best it's my voice that I totally love and wouldn't want to change for the world. And then the rest ends up on a greyscale between those two. I do not regret having taken testosterone, but I also don't wish to go back on it, and I don't think I ever will.
If I could go back in time, and do things how I'd want for them to be now, knowing everything I know now, and if I had all the options completely free at my hand... would I then still have taken testosterone? Ah, that's quite an interesting question, isn't it? And I think you might like my answer: Actually, I think I would have wanted that.
But why would a feminine cis woman actually want to go on testosterone, if she'd know she's cis and proudly feminine? I think that's dwelling into the real complexities of gender and personal choices that even I cannot quite yet claim to be able to grasp. But I'll try, cause this is soooo fascinating, just how can I not? I think, in my personal case, that has a lot to do with my androgynous mind, and me having that male/masc side that seems to be very prominent and potent, and me now embracing it while also embracing my female/fem side, having taken testosterone and reaped its permanent effects, allows me to be both fem and masc and show both those two sides simultaneously and even better: integrated with each other as a whole person.
I do not need to compromise my love for a very feminine style anymore, which I tried to do in my teens to achieve an androgynous look. I am androgynous in my looks regardless of how I choose to dress. I am complete (except from my lack of boobs), I just rejected what my own idea of completeness means! Is that real tears? My goodness, I think it might just be... I'm crying, finally! I'm actually crying... I've waited for those tears... I've waited so long for this release... Oh my god, it feels like a HUGE weight just melted off me!
I may not have realised it before, but the sheer force that this huge revelation now hit me with is nothing but beautiful, and I can't possibly explain how much I really needed its velvety softness now caressing me from within. It feels like my literal soul is hugging me. I just let go of another one of my barriers and another wall within me fell down, letting me step a little bit closer to myself. Wow. Just wow. Little by little, I'm healing. Can you see the wounds closing? Well, I can feel it in my smile.
How about we analyse that a bit? Like what just fucking happened?
Alright, here's what happened: I just stopped rejecting my bodily androgyny cause of thinking it was a "defect" or that it's "wrong" for me to want/like it as a woman. I accepted it fully. Then I listened to what it had to say to me, and it told me: "You are complete with me, I was never wrong, regardless of your gender. You wanted me, always, on a very deep level. I was your goal, and I still am but your adult opinions of gender and your mother's love for androgyny block your acceptance of me. Let them go. I matter more. Your completeness matters more." And it all fell into place. I knew that piece of my shadow was right, so I let it forward. And as it stepped forward, it connected with my sense of self like a key clicks a lock open, and it overwhelmed me with a feeling of wholeness that made me cry and feel as though a weight was lifting from me. I now feel lighter, more relaxed, at ease, happy, together and connected to myself.
That's my Shadow Work. This wasn't planned, but I'm absolutely grateful and happy about that it happened while I was writing this, letting me document the exact and entire process without interrupting it, as well as tell you exactly how it affected me. It's very quick. That probably wasn't even 5 seconds in real-time. But it takes longer to explain it in detail. And just to be extra clear, that what my bodily androgyny "said" to me was just a feeling I got from within myself, not an actual worded message like that. I just chose to write it as a worded message as a way for me to explain what that feeling figuratively "told" me. I hope that makes sense. My body wasn't actually talking to me. But I think this was still a pretty good description of how that process actually works for me, and how strong the positive impact of it is, and how very important and effective it is.
I've gotten quite a hang of it now, and it's become not just rewarding despite the pain, but actually fun and something I look forward to the next little steps of, without being very impatient for those next steps. They happen when they're meant to, and it's not something that I can force. Now this step was especially huge. Its release was very intense compared to most previous steps. It might not seem like it was a huge thing that I unlocked, but to me it really was. The impact is what told me it really was. Now I'll leave you with this little treasure of mine, while I'll enjoy it in my privacy.
No comments:
Post a Comment