This shitty week

In the middle of eating chocolate cake I just casually check tumblr again as I do from time to time and noticed that apparently Alan Rickman is dead now too. Also cancer. Also 69 years old. Just 4 days after David Bowie. I'm still in my frozen/shut down state so I didn't react much when I got the news about Alan Rickman, other than that I thought "no, not him too" and couldn't continue or finish eating my chocolate cake.

I did like him, I sure as hell did, but he could never mean as much as Bowie did to me. I loved his roles in the movies he starred in, he had amazing charisma and a voice that almost made me tremble. I did find him handsome too. But he didn't shape my childhood and teenage years like Bowie did. He was a great person though, as far as I could tell. This numbness really did come with perfect timing, cause without it, I would probably be either climbing the walls or crying on the floor non-stop by now. I think I would still be crying for Bowie if the numbness hadn't struck me.

Also I worried about K quite a lot, almost to tears, right between the news of Bowie and Rickman. It's been a horrible week and I just want this to be over. But I feel as though, this is just the beginning. Of possibly that great tragedy I'm awaiting by the spring. How much worse can it get? Oh, don't even get me started. It can always get worse and worse it always gets. I'm quite used to that by now. Since I thought I had reached that mysterious "bottom" back in 2010 only to discover I was to fall even further down into darkness. There is no bottom, it's just degrees of darkness and it always gets darker.

I know I've said it before, but I still believe that. I wonder what state I will be in when I snap out of this numbness. Devastated, probably. Cause I didn't get much time to mourn Bowie and then all that other stuff happened too. I keep shaking my head in disbelief, even though there's no one to see me here. I've wondered how my sister is coping with these celebrity deaths too, I know she's a big fan of Bowie too and that she did at least care about Rickman on some level. I've been meaning to ask my mother but for some reason I don't dare to. Though, if my sister's reaction had been extreme in some way that would worry me, I think my mother would have told me already.

And I keep thinking about my two classmates that have apparently been kicked out of school because of drug or alcohol addiction. Apparently one dragged down the other as they were both rehabilitating from that. Or at least the one who was dragged down back into it was. She's the one I'm thinking the most about. I will miss her. So that's actually a 4th kinda huge thing happening in my life this week. The same bloody week!

No I can't fathom it. I don't know what to think, believe or say. Hey, good thing I bought two candles during Monday. I now light one for Bowie and the other for Rickman. Even wrote their names on the candles. I won't burn them all the way down then, so that I can keep the candles forever and ever to always remember that I lit them for the two stars. Might do something artsy with the candles later on, when I'm done burning them, or just leave them as they are now. Put them in my cabinet/bookshelf with glass doors.

It just feels so surreal now. And they both died of the same cause, and they both kept it hidden and died at the same age.

I'm so tired to the bone. Tired mentally, but it effects me physically too. I listened to "Absolute Beginners" by Bowie again earlier today as it's one of my favourite songs by him and it made me shiver to an extreme. Now I listen to "Send me an angel" by Scorpions instead. I need breaks. I need to try and let the remains of my heart rest from all the tearing. I don't know if I want to feel ever again.

Now I'm thinking about that classmate again. We became, almost like friends. I do consider her a friend by my standards but I don't know if that's mutual or not. She just seemed to have so much fire in her, you know? Like she would have done anything to keep fighting and getting better. For her children and herself. Her kids had been taken away from her, but she was allowed to see them sometimes. If that was under supervision or not I don't know. Now I can't help but think what will happen to her, if she really is back with her addiction that she fought so much to be free from.

And I will miss talking to her at school, sharing cigarettes and laughing at how miserable everything is. But she's not gone gone, you know. She just won't be coming back to school. Or for fucks sake that's what I hope my other classmate who told me meant. I don't know what I'll do if... But it's still sad however and I can't stop wondering what that other classmate has been up to. The one who apparently dragged her down back into the addiction, I mean. I liked her too at some point, or I just barely more than tolerated her. She seemed cool but extreme in ways that were exhausting for me.

Then when I heard she had been drinking on her way to school and smelling like alcohol during class my thoughts of her became less caring and less accepting. I wondered if she was drunk when she was in her more extreme states. Now I just wonder what the fuck actually happened. But that third classmate (sorry if it's getting confusing by now) promised to tell me more about when we meet at school next week. Oh god, what a mess everything became...

And then I'm here, halfway alcoholic not giving a shit. Keeping it a secret from everyone at school. What does that make me? I should probably feel bad about that, but I'm just protecting my own skin as usual.

And then K... he did write something yesterday or if it was the day before (I keep mixing up the days lately) that worried the hell out of me. I don't want to say too much about what he wrote but he's not getting any better and frankly I think he's just getting worse. I also feel I should say that I got the impression he indirectly said to me (and his other friends) that no one cares or wants to be around him. And I just... I don't know, I felt the need to write him a long ass message telling him more than ever before about how much I actually do care and why I gave him space lately. I just don't think now in my numbness is such a good time.

I still want to write him that message, with no demands or expectations on him. Just a selfless, truthful letter that he won't even need to reply to. I still love him to bits even though my mind has been a bit preoccupied with other things lately. I never forget about him, I never take anything for granted when it comes to him. But yeah, life keeps happening and fact remains that I'm very far away from him and he doesn't always respond to my messages to him and when he does he rarely wants to talk to me. It makes me frustrated, but I can't blame him. I blame myself for being annoying, needy, clingy and just wanting too damn much. More than he can give me.

So I'm stuck not knowing what the fuck to do. I don't want him to die believing I never really cared about him when in fact I've been in love with him, truly madly deeply, for soon 3 years. I don't want him dying at all of course though. And I just have all these fucked up thoughts and sensations within me spinning like crazy and I can't reach them now in this numb state. I can't reach out to myself, so how could I reach out to anyone else?

I need this state to be over but I also need it to stay and protect me. Cause I could really use that protection right now. Today I'm thankful for it, yesterday I was not. I just tried to eat my dinner but it was so dull and tasteless I had to force it down. In fact everything bores me and now I'm getting more headache too. I wonder how it became that I bought two candles that Monday. Did I on some subconscious level know? No, it's silly, I couldn't have. I hope I won't have to buy more candles though...

I don't know if this only has to do with my shitty week or if it's actually deeper than that, but I feel lately that another suicide attempt might be coming up. Not today, likely not tomorrow either, but just... vaguely sometime in the future. And I'm not talking about the spring, so slightly sooner than that. I won't give you any details, I mean I wouldn't even if I had any. It's just a vague thought so far. I don't even know what method to go for as I'm all out of potentially lethal pills. And that's my favourite method, as you might have noticed.

After a quick counting, I come to the conclusion that I've tried pills 11 out of 18 times, strangulation 4 times, cutting 2 times and starvation 1 time. So yeah. Wonder what I'll do next. I have a few things I'd like to try but I know I shouldn't. Maybe that's why though. Oh, but things have to become hella shittier than this for me to go for it a 19th time. Or maybe it would be enough having my feelings come back to me. What do I know.

I'm getting tired, but I suppose I'm back here on my blog now. At least now I am, I'm not gonna promise that I'm permanently back just in case I won't be. I haven't read this through yet so it's hard summarise, but yeah, it's been one hell of a week and it's not even over yet. And my feelings took a break from me, which I now find to be a bit of a relief, or more like a necessity for my own damned survival. I don't know what more to say, so this is it for now.

Y, you're not forgotten in all of this, but I can't reach out to you right now. I still want to, but I can't find the words again. You still linger in my thoughts though and I find that comforting.