Sadness and sorrow

I dreamed about David Bowie this night and morning. It was a quite complicated dream and each moment led to a greater one which led to a deeper understanding. In the last "scene" or what to call it I saw him running away, turning his face towards me and looking at me with sad and reassuring eyes. Wind in his silvery hair. Was I visited by him from beyond?

The teacher who told me about his death was in my dream as well, she never had been before, in other dreams. I listened to "Lazarus" on loud volume as I went to bed around 1:30 or 2:00 this morning, wishing I would dream about him. And I am not disappointed. I'm thankful for that dream. It struck me, sometime yesterday, that all through my life, having him as an inspiration every step on the way was always positive. He was like, one of the few things that were always good in my life. Oh, how I'll miss him.

Y, I'm glad to hear that I'm still in your thoughts too. I was wondering how things are for you now, and I'm glad for your message. It's good that you tell me you have a hard time reaching out to me again, then we both have that right now. I do welcome you protecting me as good as you can, it feels warming and calming. I think I felt yesterday, that my feelings are slowly starting to come back to me again. I was close to crying while resting on my couch and I did just barely feel the sorrow wash upon me again. Hopefully it will continue to happen slowly, cause that way I think I can more easily deal with it.

Yeah, I know it's not my time yet. I think though, that the thought of suicide always comes when I'm down, always alluring me with its false promise of being a solution. And I don't know if it sounds silly or not, but the thought has been there, that I'd want to be united with David Bowie on the other side. I know I'm not done with this life yet, but just... the thought of being free from it is hard to resist. I don't know if I'll do any attempt in the near future or not, it hesitates and lingers. I believe so too, that our eyes will have to meet at least one more time. I'm curious about that too. It's just that... yeah, I guess my sorrow has been talking for me this past week.